Luci-loo
14-09-09, 06:46
Just now everything seems to be going wrong and I apologise if I babble I'm just so wound up and upset and everything seems to be getting to me. The last 2 or 3 weeks have been pretty hellish and it's partly because I start home visits with my CBT therapist as I struggle to get out- haven't had a session in over a year and worried I won't like the new person. When appointments are made far far in advance I obess and worry about it as I never know how I'll be by time it arrives. On top of that been having issues with my meds- the duloxetine has given me really bad migraines and I've haven't been sleeping due to itching. I've also seem to have devolped a really nasty temper that is quite honestly scaring the hell out me. I can't bear loud noises and everything is stressing me out.
I'm shouting and losing my rag then crying because I feel bad about being grumpy and I worry that my boyfriend will leave me because I'm being such a b****- he is in constant pain and the last thing he needs is getting whined, moaned and yelled at. I've also been shouting at the cats- esp one of the kittens- for just being cats. Everytime they race and crash about it freaks me out as they are too loud and keep playing on some shelves and it makes me feel phyiscally sick as I worry they are going to fall off which leads to me yelling at them and the look I get breaks my heart. One of my cats seems to be taking it badly as he came from a really bad home before he came to us and I also worry he is scared of me now. I was about to crack and let them go outside but I found a dead cat in our street 3 weeks ago and changed my mind. My boyfriend and my cats are about the only things that keep me happy and I'm pushing them away with my temper when I need them the most. I'm in constant fear of hurting someone- either physically or by saying something I can't take back. I won't even visit my family because I'm too scared I'll hurt one of my sisters kids if they make too much noise or do something I think is dangerous which would lead me to shout and tell them to stop it.
I'm supposed to be seeing my doctor today but the car broke and don't know how I could get there as there is no way I could take a bus or taxi (I only like getting the in car with people I know driving) and I know if I cancel I'll have to wait at least until Thursday as the car isn't getting seen until Wednesday so I won't be able to get out til then. I don't even know if I can wait as I feel so down and worried sick someone will get hurt- but the same worried that I might get commited under the mental health act if the doctor thinks I'm a danger to people and the sspca take my cats away and put them down (I don't trust the sspca as they put down cats they can't home and one of my boys is an ex-feral and wouldn't home easily).
Sorry for rambling but it's been a long night and I'm at my wits end.
I'm shouting and losing my rag then crying because I feel bad about being grumpy and I worry that my boyfriend will leave me because I'm being such a b****- he is in constant pain and the last thing he needs is getting whined, moaned and yelled at. I've also been shouting at the cats- esp one of the kittens- for just being cats. Everytime they race and crash about it freaks me out as they are too loud and keep playing on some shelves and it makes me feel phyiscally sick as I worry they are going to fall off which leads to me yelling at them and the look I get breaks my heart. One of my cats seems to be taking it badly as he came from a really bad home before he came to us and I also worry he is scared of me now. I was about to crack and let them go outside but I found a dead cat in our street 3 weeks ago and changed my mind. My boyfriend and my cats are about the only things that keep me happy and I'm pushing them away with my temper when I need them the most. I'm in constant fear of hurting someone- either physically or by saying something I can't take back. I won't even visit my family because I'm too scared I'll hurt one of my sisters kids if they make too much noise or do something I think is dangerous which would lead me to shout and tell them to stop it.
I'm supposed to be seeing my doctor today but the car broke and don't know how I could get there as there is no way I could take a bus or taxi (I only like getting the in car with people I know driving) and I know if I cancel I'll have to wait at least until Thursday as the car isn't getting seen until Wednesday so I won't be able to get out til then. I don't even know if I can wait as I feel so down and worried sick someone will get hurt- but the same worried that I might get commited under the mental health act if the doctor thinks I'm a danger to people and the sspca take my cats away and put them down (I don't trust the sspca as they put down cats they can't home and one of my boys is an ex-feral and wouldn't home easily).
Sorry for rambling but it's been a long night and I'm at my wits end.