Partner not very helpful!

[Izzycam]

I don't know whether any of you have experienced this, I find my partner really has no time and patience for my panic attacks.
I have only been having them for five weeks (since I had an accident).
They are not every day but when they do come they turn my world upside down for days.
Have tried talking to him but he seems to think that if he mollycoddles me it will take longer for me to pull myself together.
At the moment we are in seperate rooms, if I get one in the night I am frightened of annoying him, so my 10 yr old daughter is sleeping with me and helping me (luv her).
I am so sad, I don't know what I'm doing, very confused, are the panic attacks making me paranoid, or maybe he just can't cope with me being this way.

[Madeleine]

Hey Izzy,

I'm so sorry you feel this way at the moment, but remember it will pass. I think your partner is frightened of what is happening to you so he is blocking it out almost. I know you feel awful but he probably feels very useless too. It's not like looking after your partner with the flu and fetching them soup and paracetemols eh. Wish is was, bet you do too! I know this might be a daft question but have you tried having a real heart to heart with him, maybe you could go out for a drink, a neutral place?

Least we are all here for eachother in here eh?

Speak soon.x

[ikimasu]

I know how it is to feel like someone close to you doesn't understand what you're going through. But I think for us, as much as we want them to see things from our side, we need to see things from theirs. It's hard for me personally to do that, but it helps me be patient with them when I try to.

Try to get down to the bottom of the issue. Often times what we do in communicating and dealing with conflict is we see the surface issue, and not the heart of the matter. For example, imagine a couple who disagrees over the presence of a particular piece of furniture - say, a chair. Let's say the husband really wants the chair in the house, but the wife doesn't. What they can end up doing is arguing over the chair. But once they get to talking about it properly, they realize that the reason the husband wants it is because it belonged to his grandfather, while the reason the wife doesn't want it is because she wants people to respect the way their house looks. So they come to a compromise somehow and it is all fine. But if they kept just looking at the surface of it (arguing over a chair) they would just get more and more frustrated.

Try to see what is really behind his difficulty in understanding, and likewise make sure you understand why it is you want him to understand and be supportive. Then talk about those underlying issues. If the conversation revolves around the panic attacks, you'll probably both just end up frustrated.

Hope this helps ... good luck with the panic attacks. I know it can be rough, but just keep up hope. :)

[Izzycam]

It's just so hard to know what's real at the moment .
I'm sure you all feel the same.

[Veronica H]

:bighug1: Sorry you are having such a hard time. Panic attacks are very powerful and the only people who can really understand that are those of us who have experienced them. I think it is important that you understand as much as you can early on, so that you donot become too fearful and start to develop phobias. There is great information on this site and also a brilliant book by Dr Claire Weekes 'Self help for your nerves' which is available from the NMP shop. I can not recommend this enough as it clearly explains what is happening to us and how we can and will recover. Try not to take your husband's reaction to heart as it is based probably on his experience of other less complicated illnesses. As my husband said in the beginning 'if it was a broken leg then I would know what to do and what not to do'. This will get better.

Veronica

[Flying Badger]

Hi Izzy.

I've been at the mercy of panic attacks for a number of years now. I still live at home with Mum & Dad, and they have seen me go through many extreme attacks - yet they still don't really understand, nor are they of much help.

Panic attacks really are among those things that, unless you have experienced them yourself, it's doubtful a person is able to comprehend just what the sufferer is going through.

What I have found, is that the task of educating people falls down to us - those that have to deal with panic in the first person. It's frustrating to say the least, but if you are able to let your partner know what helps, and what doesn't, without actually asking them to do anything, they eventually begin to react in a more positive way. It's generally been like that in my experience anyway.

I hope things begin to get a little better for you - slowly but surley, one step at a time, and all of the other clichés you may hear, really are the key!

Cheers

Gary

[anxious elephant999]

My husband is not very helpful , if i tell him that i dont feel well(like im going in to a panic) he just says " i dont want to know" or " ive heard it all before " Or" just go away " they wont ever understand what its like until they have a panic attack themselves and then it will be left to us to tell them how to get through it , i also have my 10 year old daughter sleeping in our bedroom as she makes me feel calmer than husband does , hate it when shes at school as im stuck here with husband who just shouts at me

[Izzycam]

Thanks for the replies, I feel terribly guilty about not taking people seriously who mentioned to me that they had panic attacks in the past.
I really thought that by being strong willed and trying hard that you could overcome most things.
This is new to me and if nothing else will make me more compassionate to others in future.
Funnily enough I asked my doctor this morning how long on average panic attacks last and he told me however long I wanted them too.
He told me to just tell my mind to tell them to go away.
MMMMMmmmmmm I don't know what to say.

[Jyellowhat]

Hi Izzycam
When my panic attacks started 2 yrs ago, my husband was the same, he could not get it at all. He said if i had something wrong with me that he could see he,d understand but just could not get it at all. I was unable to get up of the sofa for 6 wks or eat, and he would get so frustrated with me. At 1 point he said he was moving out. This actually made me worse because i felt that the 1 person i should be able to turn to for support was him and he wasn,t there for me at all. He has been the same when i,ve had reocurring bouts since as well. Just says he doesn,t want to go back to that time again. I realise that he was very worried about me and i still love him dearly but i have learnt that the panic attacks are mine and i have to deal with them and live with them. 2 yrs down the line the bouts occur less than they did, but i,m not over them and feel that i never will be. This site has helped me enormously though. x x x

[Amanda_27]

I managed to successfully hide my condition from my partner for some time but the last couple of months have been particularly bad for me, and in the middle of the night a few weeks ago I woke up feeling like I was struggling to breathe. I felt like I was being suffocated and I just kept saying there's not enough air, there's not enough air, over and over. Of course he woke up and was obviously very worried. I told him I would explain everything to him afterwards if he just talked to me and reassured me that I was okay at that moment. Once I had calmed down I explained everything to him and I know that he is trying to understand what I am going through but at the same time I know he can never possibly fully understand as he has never suffered from it. He said he can't understand why I can't just make myself think differently or "get over it". I also said to him can he imagine living in constant fear every day of his life and he said to me but why would you be in fear every day. That's why I am so glad I joined this site as it means I am with people who know what I am going through and actually really understand. I feel so alone sometimes

[Flying Badger]

I really do think that the distinct lack of support from other people is one of the biggest problems we face. As I have said, I don't expect people to understand exactly what we endure, but I do feel justified in being somewhat annoyed when people use terms like "get over it" or "pull yourself together" etc.

Panic Attacks are not "all in your head" - granted, your mind has a lot to do with it how you react, but the symptoms and sensations are physical, not imagined.

I am a newbie on these forums, but it's already clear that a lot of members need this as thier main outlet. Even in the middle of the night, if you feel the need to say something, you can post it here, knowing that someone who understands completley will read it, and reply.

[joannap]

really sorry if this offends but if my husband/partner was not understanding i would feel like kicking him out lol! i just find it really hard to believe because my husband has been my absolute rock and i would feel very let down and find it hard to forgive him if he was not. i don;t mean he has mollycoddled me - i try not to let my anxiety affect our lives too much but for instance - he never pressures me in any way to do stuff if i feel bad -he cuddles me if it anxiety gets on top of me and reassures me - he has never once got angry or exasperated. i am also very lucky that he is happy for me to only work part time - although we could afford to do more if i earned more - he says my happiness is more important.

i have a friend who suffers with anxiety and she can be quite awful to her partner - she takes it out on him but although i get upset with myself - i have never taken it out on others. My mum is brilliant too - i can tell her exactly how i am feeling and we try to have a laugh about it. her and my husband call my brain a mushy pea! (affectionately!) and the menthol headache stick i use for my many headaches - they call it a mental stick!

i think i should start to realise how lucky i am!

[Amanda_27]

I really do think that the distinct lack of support from other people is one of the biggest problems we face. As I have said, I don't expect people to understand exactly what we endure, but I do feel justified in being somewhat annoyed when people use terms like "get over it" or "pull yourself together" etc.

Panic Attacks are not "all in your head" - granted, your mind has a lot to do with it how you react, but the symptoms and sensations are physical, not imagined.

I am a newbie on these forums, but it's already clear that a lot of members need this as thier main outlet. Even in the middle of the night, if you feel the need to say something, you can post it here, knowing that someone who understands completley will read it, and reply.

I totally agree, I think lack of support is a major issue for me. I am made to feel embarassed and ashamed because people tend to roll their eyes with the "here we go again" attitude if I say I am feeling anxious or afraid. It's almost as if they see it like some attention seeking behaviour. Due to this I have pretty much stopped discussing it with people close to me because I feel they are neither really listening or interested. I mean why can't people see that if I had the choice I would absolutely choose not to have these issues. If it was as easy as just "getting a grip" or "pulling myself together" I would have done so already. It is so reassuring to know that this forum is here, and I know where my first port of call will be the next time terror takes it's grip in the middle of the night

[joannap]

i must add that there are other members of my family who i get the feeling think "what has she got to be anxious about" and come out with helpful comments (not) such as i haven't got time to get depressed which totally hacks me off!

[luisdelobo]

an accident can provide the onset to panic attacks , after that something called kindling can occur which is similar symptoms when placed in a similar environ to when the accident occurred, the brain / subconsious recognises this and creates a kindling effect which gives thed sufferer panic and panic attack symptoms. I paid £ 450 for this information for 3, 1 hour sessions and I still have symptoms 12 years on, the only difference is I recognise the kindling and tell myself i,ve had all these symptoms before, scary but less so :)

[Izzycam]

I think whatever the reason we have these panick attacks , be it brought on by stress, an accident death ect, We all seem to be in the same boat.
We are so lucky to have this site to come to, imagine how lonely people used to be before the web...no one to talk to, no advise close at hand, it must have been hell.
I feel a problem shared is a problem halved (well not quite Ha!Ha!) but it does go a long way to helping.
By the way, loved the quote about the mental stick, I guess you have to have a laugh at some point.
My friend who has been worried about me, offered to do a DIY lobotomy on me with tools from B and Q, so there's hope for me yet.

[mumof4]

it took my partner 7 years to understand mine as when me met i didnt suffer like i do now.

he used to say horrible things when i was in a panic but i knew he didnt understand.

give him time he will come round

my partner even though doesnt stay with me but we have 3 kids together gave up his work to help care for me and help me with the kids.

now he understands alot more.

wish u all the best

[Thumbelina]

My husband freaks out every time i am in relapse of panic attacks and depression.
In stead of beng understanding, he becomes aggressive and cruel.

Now i am sure its because there is niothing else he can do, he is helpless, he cant stop me having relapses and this makes him angry.

I know that and try to hide my relapses from him. This not always work....

I had it for 4 years now...
I am moer or less used to these waves...

[Angelic_one_]

Luckily for me my hubby 90% understands, he doesn't seem to grasp the concept however that i might not be able to do something this week that i was able to do last week, ie go to the supermarket and this makes him frustrated
I guess that i'm lucky in the sense that he's almost always present when my CPN visits and is always included in the conversation, he kinda gets a clearer picture then of whats going on, i dont think i could have explained it as well as my CPN, but i do find myself shutting myself away (usually the bedroom) if i'm feeling anxious, after ten yrs of marriage he knows the signs and will come check to make sure i'm ok
it hasn't always been this open and easy tho but i found books explaining anxiety and panic attacks helped us both to understand what was going on

gl to you all :)

[Izzycam]

Had a good long chat with my partner last night, (it's taken me three days to recover from my last bout), but yesterday I felt quite normal.
I explained to him how hurt I was by his inability to comfort me when I am struggling.
He tried to reason that not being a very affectionate person he finds it hard to show outward feelings. He says he does truly care but in a different way.
I must admit this hasn't really bothered me before these panick attacks came on, I have always managed to be in control of myself, and not having a lot of attention lavished on me hasn't bothered me in the slightest.
But...........and it's a big "But"......I feel so out of control when these attacks come on, that the most important thing to me is to feel someone is there for me, maybe in a way to try to take away my fright, trembling , sweating ect.
God...this is a bloody minefield.

[Jyellowhat]

Totally agree with you Izzy. I told my husband that in times of need i.e reocurring attacks i should be able turn to the one person that i care about the most ( HIM ) and get support from him, for reassurrance, just for a cuddle and for him to tell me i,ll be ok. But he can,t do it. He resents me and the anxiety, so he gets very grumpy and this actually makes me feel worse. The thing is i would never do that to him. I have learnt to accept that this is how he deals with it but does make me feel totally let down.