harasgenster
15-09-09, 13:35
Hi
This morning I broke down just before work. I was at home, awake in good time, distracting myself from thoughts of work by looking at/doing other things, ever-conscious of the time. Eventually I rushed to get ready and get a taxi in. I was late, of course, and I just couldn't face going in. I didn't have a panic attack but I just couldn't face being near the office. I got out of the taxi early and didn't even go on the same road as my workplace. I phoned my Mam for advice but the moment she picked up I just burst into tears. She came and picked me up, despite my arguing that I could make my own way home, and forced me to the doctors. He's signed me off for a week and mentioned disability allowance (I have a form of bipolar disorder and apparently that counts). I still haven't phoned my boss to explain. Yet again, I can't face it.
I'm so embarrased and angry and dissapointed with myself. This has happened in every job I've had since uni. I'm 23 and I've just had a run of admin/customer service jobs that last just a few months. I've got ill in all of them and messed up. It makes me really angry because I was doing so well. I got straight firsts at uni then everything just went downhill. I'm working in the opposite of the career that would suit me. I'm a writer and work on this in my sparetime but I get so stressed in customer service roles. Angry customers, stressed bosses, heavy workloads and boredom. I thrived at uni because it was based on my strengths. I'm only any good for my brain. I have no common sense and I'm useless under pressure. The only stress I can deal with is deadlines. I have no problem with deadlines, in fact I enjoy the rush and the challenge. It's just when there's no goal at all. Just an endless stream of pressure with no end result. Like in customer service.
I don't know what to do after this week. I can't get paid as a writer until I have more experience so I can only do admin/customer service roles. And I just know that even if I switched jobs this would just happen again. I hate myself for the way I react to these things. Everybody else just gets on with it. I feel childish, cowardly and irresponsible for continously doing this. I'm worried I'm just selfish and lazy and spoilt and don't want to go to work because it's no fun. But that's not how life works. I want to act like a responsible adult and I don't want to go on the sick because I'd feel guilty and I'm worried I'd never get back into work. Who would take on someone with a history of mental illness-related sick leave?
I'm worried I'm screwing up my whole life. Anybody got any advice?
This morning I broke down just before work. I was at home, awake in good time, distracting myself from thoughts of work by looking at/doing other things, ever-conscious of the time. Eventually I rushed to get ready and get a taxi in. I was late, of course, and I just couldn't face going in. I didn't have a panic attack but I just couldn't face being near the office. I got out of the taxi early and didn't even go on the same road as my workplace. I phoned my Mam for advice but the moment she picked up I just burst into tears. She came and picked me up, despite my arguing that I could make my own way home, and forced me to the doctors. He's signed me off for a week and mentioned disability allowance (I have a form of bipolar disorder and apparently that counts). I still haven't phoned my boss to explain. Yet again, I can't face it.
I'm so embarrased and angry and dissapointed with myself. This has happened in every job I've had since uni. I'm 23 and I've just had a run of admin/customer service jobs that last just a few months. I've got ill in all of them and messed up. It makes me really angry because I was doing so well. I got straight firsts at uni then everything just went downhill. I'm working in the opposite of the career that would suit me. I'm a writer and work on this in my sparetime but I get so stressed in customer service roles. Angry customers, stressed bosses, heavy workloads and boredom. I thrived at uni because it was based on my strengths. I'm only any good for my brain. I have no common sense and I'm useless under pressure. The only stress I can deal with is deadlines. I have no problem with deadlines, in fact I enjoy the rush and the challenge. It's just when there's no goal at all. Just an endless stream of pressure with no end result. Like in customer service.
I don't know what to do after this week. I can't get paid as a writer until I have more experience so I can only do admin/customer service roles. And I just know that even if I switched jobs this would just happen again. I hate myself for the way I react to these things. Everybody else just gets on with it. I feel childish, cowardly and irresponsible for continously doing this. I'm worried I'm just selfish and lazy and spoilt and don't want to go to work because it's no fun. But that's not how life works. I want to act like a responsible adult and I don't want to go on the sick because I'd feel guilty and I'm worried I'd never get back into work. Who would take on someone with a history of mental illness-related sick leave?
I'm worried I'm screwing up my whole life. Anybody got any advice?