No idea what to do! Any advice?

[harasgenster]

Hi
This morning I broke down just before work. I was at home, awake in good time, distracting myself from thoughts of work by looking at/doing other things, ever-conscious of the time. Eventually I rushed to get ready and get a taxi in. I was late, of course, and I just couldn't face going in. I didn't have a panic attack but I just couldn't face being near the office. I got out of the taxi early and didn't even go on the same road as my workplace. I phoned my Mam for advice but the moment she picked up I just burst into tears. She came and picked me up, despite my arguing that I could make my own way home, and forced me to the doctors. He's signed me off for a week and mentioned disability allowance (I have a form of bipolar disorder and apparently that counts). I still haven't phoned my boss to explain. Yet again, I can't face it.

I'm so embarrased and angry and dissapointed with myself. This has happened in every job I've had since uni. I'm 23 and I've just had a run of admin/customer service jobs that last just a few months. I've got ill in all of them and messed up. It makes me really angry because I was doing so well. I got straight firsts at uni then everything just went downhill. I'm working in the opposite of the career that would suit me. I'm a writer and work on this in my sparetime but I get so stressed in customer service roles. Angry customers, stressed bosses, heavy workloads and boredom. I thrived at uni because it was based on my strengths. I'm only any good for my brain. I have no common sense and I'm useless under pressure. The only stress I can deal with is deadlines. I have no problem with deadlines, in fact I enjoy the rush and the challenge. It's just when there's no goal at all. Just an endless stream of pressure with no end result. Like in customer service.

I don't know what to do after this week. I can't get paid as a writer until I have more experience so I can only do admin/customer service roles. And I just know that even if I switched jobs this would just happen again. I hate myself for the way I react to these things. Everybody else just gets on with it. I feel childish, cowardly and irresponsible for continously doing this. I'm worried I'm just selfish and lazy and spoilt and don't want to go to work because it's no fun. But that's not how life works. I want to act like a responsible adult and I don't want to go on the sick because I'd feel guilty and I'm worried I'd never get back into work. Who would take on someone with a history of mental illness-related sick leave?

I'm worried I'm screwing up my whole life. Anybody got any advice?

[bellabessnjet]

Hi Haragenster,
Sorry to hear your having such a bad time. I think your allowed a bad day. does your current employer know about your condition. Are they understanding? Also it might help going to a disability service to see if they can help you find a job. My husband was diagnosed with Aspergers 3 years ago and was put in touch with one of these services they helped sort his CV and are going to keep an ear/eye out for jobs that would suit him. I don't know how you get in touch but try your library or even job centre.
I hope your feeling better soon, and I'd hate working in a call centre too!
Take care
Angela
PS Disability is not just a pysicall thing, mental illnessess are also a disability.

[anxious elephant999]

Sorry to pry but you said you have a form of bipolar ,i thought there was only one type ,im worried i have bipolar but i dont have highs like they say i would , could you enlighten me on your condition please :)

[den68]

firstly ring your boss or get your mum too and tell him your ill and that you have a sick note for a week. That will give you breathing time to decide if you want to go back and give it another go or not. Last year i went through a stage when if i managed to get to work id have a major pa and i had to take 6 weeks off but i did manage to go back and deal with the stress after a councillor taught me how to control my stress levels. The decision is yours but use your sick time to consider it

[harasgenster]

Hi
Many thanks for the advice

In response to the question on bipolar disorder:

Bipolar is a spectrum that runs from Bipolar 1 (the most severe - the one we'd recognise as BP) to cyclothymia which is mood swings between mild euphoria and dystopia (mild depression). In the middle is Bipolar 2.

Bipolar 1 is the only condition in which people suffer from mania - the high mood in which people can become inappropriate, risk-taking and, well, quite mad! Bipolar 2 sufferers have a hypomania - a huge amount of energy, optimism, difficulty sleeping, euphoria; and/or mixed episodes where you feel euphoric but don't enjoy it (it's difficult to explain). The difference between bipolar 2 and cyclothymia is that people with bipolar 2 have or have had a period of major (as in clinical/severe) depression, and people with cylothymia haven't.

I have a condition between bipolar 2 and cyclothymia (no label given!) because I used to suffer severely from depression but not anymore and I swing from a pessimitic, dystopic mood to an optimistic, energetic mood or a mixed state and because these swings affect my functionality in other areas of my life.

To be diagnosed with bipolar you need to have an assessment with a psychiatrist. If you are diagnosed you will normally be given mood stabilisers rather than antidepressants (which tend to make ppl with bipolar worse).

Hope that helped!