My life is over. Ive failed

[sMINT]

Whats the point of everything :weep:
Why me? I was fine before why cant I be fine again.

Came home from Uni today (Uni doesn't start till 28th, Just moved in, I live an hour away).

I couldn't handle it there any more. Only moved in Monday and since getting there I haev had the most biggest doubts ever. I have doubts about everything, So many doubts racing around I cant focus my mind on any single one.

Im drained, Have no energy, Feel sick.

My main problem is, No matter how much I try, I cannot eat food when I have anxiety or when Im away from home. Today up until 7pm all I ate was a sandwich, Which i really struggled with and an apple.

I tried cooking some food before getting the train home but the microwave didn't work and then I couldn't get the oven to heat up properly to cook pasta. I just felt like crying. A 20 year old guy crying.

I made it to the train station, Starting sweating loads. Had a really bad panic attack, Train werent due for 30mins so thought I was going to pass out before it came. The station was soooo busy and crowded.

When it arrived it was a tiny train, PACKED! I thought theres no way I can stand here for an hour on a packed out train with no food and I was thirsty. Lucky I managed to fine one seat.

Now Im home I could eat food straight away, I had a huge plate of pasta, A yoghurt, Chocolate bar.
Why Why Why cant I do this there? I have to force down a bit of lettuce with the fear of being sick over that. Why cant I just be normal. All anxiety and panic aside, If I could manage to eat stuff away I could handle the panic etc.

Now Im home I dont feel like going back ever, All my stuff is there, I know I should go back and give it another go but why? As soon as I get there I wont be able to eat again.

My parents dont care/understand. My dad just shouts at me saying hes given yo blah blah blah. And my mum has gossiped to the whole street why Ive come home so Ive got people asking me if Im okay and stuff.

I feel like a freak show and a complete failure. No one can understand how much I hate myself right now. So much has hapened these past two days getting on packed trains, moving away, walkuing through crowded towns. Which could all be looked at as 'well done' things but I cant see them that way. I know when I go back Ill be right back to stage one. Not eating, feeling sick and faint. Its just a horrible cycle.

Sorry for the massive post and my rambling, Dont even know if it makes sense. Im just feeling so lost right now :weep::weep:

[Luci-loo]

Just wanted to give :bighug1:

I don't think you are a failure, if eating away from home is an issue that you have had for some time then I think you were really brave to even attempt to go to uni.

I'd say give it another try- perhaps your mum could cook some meals and freeze them for you to re-heat (sorry I don't know the exact in and outs just saying whats on top of my head). Or maybe some stuff you can eat straight away for when you are feeling really bad.

Lastly your life is in no way over. Not everyone goes to uni I'm sure there will be other stuff you can do or even wait a year or two and maybe try CBT (if you haven't already) in the meantime.

[bellabessnjet]

Look at the positives,
1, you made it through the day, however difficult
2, you did eat, I've only ate 1 meal today, I just dont feel hungry
3, you got on the crowded train, many would not have been able to
4, you're not a freak you just have anxiety like most people on here.

Have you tried any herbal treatments, I've started using the rescue remedy drops, although not an immediate relief they do calm me down a fraction.

Have you seen a dr, I tried to do it on my own and now i feel like I need extra help just till i get stronger maybe you could get some help just for the short time, maybe after you get used to uni things will settle down.

Take care and remember it might not have been a great day but you did get through it.

[Jaco45er]

Minty lad

In a nutshell, you are ill suffering from anxiety. This is no reflection on you as a person, it is merely an affliction that is affecting you in such a way that functioning properly at present seems impossible.


Try not to waste energy on beating yourself up, but concentrate more in getting yourself better.

If you need to, take time out. But listen, Uni is not the be all and end all to life. I left school at 15 and survived ;) so don't feel that you have to go through Uni to be a success.

Like the other good replies, I too would suggest you go see your GP buddy.

TC

Jaco

[Granny Primark]

My daughter left uni after 18 months.
I was saddend but I realised it was her life and she was entitled to do as she liked.
She got a job that she really enjoyed, met a lovely lad, bought a house and they now have a gorgeous daughter.
Theres no guarantee that after going uni and get a degree that you will end up with a job.
Go have a talk with your gp like what jaco says then go and have a good heart to heart chat with your parents.
The main thing is for you to be happy even if it goes against your parents wishes.
You definitely need to get your anxiety sorted so that can make a rational decision.
Best of luck and please keep us informed.

[eeyorelover]

I'd like to restate what bella said...
You struggled but you faced a lot of fears and survived!
Yes you went home but to even get there you faced obstacles that could have broke you... THEY DIDN'T!

Every person on the planet struggles sometimes with one thing or another in life. The real test of character is whether or not, after a setback happens, you get up, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward!
Only you can decide for yourself whether to go back or not. Perhaps you need more time to work on getting ready for Uni, little steps first...
OR
Perhaps you need to challenge yourself and take that leap and make yourself go back...
Only you can make that decision for yourself.

Know tho that your worth isn't dependent upon either choice!
You can't continue to get so upset with yourself over what you can't do while looking past what you can!
Focus on the triumphs in your life regardless of how small they seem at the time!!
xxx
Sandy

[ro44]

Please don't be so hard on yourself. This is a really big step you are taking. It's a stressful time in your life, I know. I have a 19 year old son who is going to school and even though he is living at home, he gets stressed and anxious. It is a big part of growing up, wondering what the future will bring, and what you are going to do for your income and all. Even for someone who is not an anxiety sufferer, it is a stressful time. Don't beat yourself up.

Take one day at a time. Have you ever thought about going to a doctor, and possibly requesting just a little medication to help you ease into this new lifestyle? I am by no means pushing drugs, but sometimes just a little on a temporary basis might help.

There are very few people at your age who know exactly what they want to do with their lives. It all takes time. My niece went to an expensive college and then by Christmas she was ready to quit. She finished out the year but never went back.

Just give yourself time. Do try to eat, even if it is just small meals. Not eating can make your blood sugar low and cause anxiety.

You are definitely not a failure. Your life is just beginning. Hang in there.
You are going to be okay. Remember, for those who aren't anxiety sufferers, it's just really hard for them to understand.

Let us know how you are doing.

Ro44

[Crush]

I would definalty see a Dr. He will give you some medication that will help a lot. There's Citralopram(sp) which is the real over all solution and you should take for a long time. Just don't be afraid to take less than what he recommends. He may also give you Lorazepam for the short term which will be very helpful. This will help calm your nerves down and release the tightness from your chest and body so you can eat.

In my opinion your suffering from anxiety and a bit of mania being in a new place which is caused from having a negative outcome in the future. Nothing is going to happen to you in school. You will get used to being there. This stage of your life will be over soon and you can move on from this but don't try to do it alone. The medication will solve your problems.

Also, do not let this continue. axiety onset can be slow and get progressively worse over time. Next you know you will have trouble going into a shopping mall and visitng the ER becaues you swear you had a heart attack.

Just trust me see a Dr now and explain your symptoms. Get in control of this early. Explain to him your physical symptoms. Also, I really hate to say this but mis diagnoses or incorrect perscriptions are all too common so don't be afraid to see another Dr if you get told to 'just breath' or somethign stupid like that.

[sMINT]

Thanks to each and every one of you for the replies and kind words.

My head is still spinning today, I dont know what to do.

I have seen too many doctors in the past and every single one has been as useless as the other. I refuse to take medication as well becuase I have my mind already set on how not good for you it is, But thanks for the advice anyway.

I got an email back from the Uni Counsillor today saying they dont have appointments until next Wednseday :(

Although I have contacted a private CBT therapist in the city of my Uni who does weekend appointments too. I think Im going to pay for that if she ever decides to ring back (she was meant to ring me at 10am)

Can anyone offer any advice on how to eat with anxiety? Im probably going to force myself back to Uni on Friday night (going to eat at home before leaving) but Saturday I know I wont be able to eat again.

[pd]

Hello :)

Firstly, you haven't failed. You're going back, despite all that, which is really admirable.

Secondly, eating with anxiety is a nightmare, isn't it? The only suggestions I have really, what works for me when my anxiety is bad, is try not to think about food at all, because if you're constantly fretting about how little you've eaten, it just becomes another thing to worry about on top of everything else, you will just feel more anxious about that and less hungry, and it becomes a great big 'thing'. If I really try not to think about it then I suddenly realise that I'm hungry and want some food.

Even if you can just manage a sandwich and a couple of bits of fruit or something a day for a few days, it's better than nothing and hopefully after a few more days you will start to settle down and eating will become less difficult.

Maybe buy something really easy to eat like ice cream or yoghurt?

Good luck! x

[sMINT]

Still undecided about going back just yet ha. Really dont think I can face it, Arghhh I dont know what to do :weep::weep: I was just reading the cancellation procedure with my halls and the only way I can drop out is if I find someone else to move in, Which I think would be impossible. I mean everyone who wanted to move in by now would have already so no one would want my room right?

Ive got one thought in my head about I want to leave and another one saying to stay, Its killing me.

and thanks, I can see what you mean about trying not to focus on it, Because that is what I do and it makes it so much worse. I find it really difficult not to focus on it when I know I have to eat becuase I havent ate for ages and I dont want to collapse.

Thanks for the advice though :)

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Dropping out would be hard, and make you terribly anxious and full of regret.

Going back would also be hard, nerve wracking and a tremendous challenge.

What are the pros and cons of each? What would give you the best chance of reaching a positive outcome?

[sMINT]

thanks for the reply

The pro's would be:
Get a degree,
Get away from where I live and my current lifestyle,
Make new friends

Cons:
Anxiety too much
Cant eat from anxiety/social anxiety making me feel weak sick and unwell.
I cant go on and persevere due to the risk on my health.
My brain cant take it

I think Im going to have to drop out. i cant do it anymore. I feel like dieing at the moment (not suicide thought, just in general a feeling of whats the point).

if it werent for the fact I cant eat i would go back 100% and try my hardest, but i cant see the point with the risks to my health. Now my parents have got me worried, would you say I have an eating disorder? I always thought it was social anxiety and anxiety itself stopping me from eating becuase I eat fine when im in the house (Breckfast, Dinner, Tea and usually a fourth meal, crisps, sweets, chocolate) Its just when im at uni or away from home in cafes etc.

Please reply :weep::weep:

[Madeleine]

Hey there,

Jusr read your post and i'm so sorry your anxiety is making you feel unsure of what to do. But don't forget, it's not you it's the anxiety, What do you truly want to do? Please try, (and I know you so are), not to let the anxiety make your decisions.

I f the absolute worse came to the worse and you tried it, but just simply could not manage, you really aren't stuck and you can leave if you really wanted to.

Give it a try if it's what YOU really want.

I wish you loads of luck.

Madeleine.x

[kazzie]

Hi Ya:D

When I first joined NMP years ago there was a young lady called Sophie who I think is still on here but not sure!!!

She hated uni at first but as I recall was ok in the end:yesyes:

Might be worth trying to contact her

And for the record You are doing well.....Ive got to go on a 3 hr course for work next week.....dreading it now lol

Hang in there:yesyes:

Kaz x x x:hugs:

[sophieunderscore]

Kazzie, do you mean me?

If so, yes I did hate uni when I first started, came home as much as I could (that carried on for the whole year, the longest I spent in halls was about 1 week), didn't get on with my flatmates at all, didn't do anything during freshers week and joined no societies!

But I loved the course, and managed to throw myself into it, made a few friends who I lived with in my second and third year and I have just graduated with a 2:1 degree in psychology.

I felt like dropping out during the first few weeks but I managed, and even in the second and third years I didn't do the whole clubbing thing but got on ok with friends I began to feel confident with.

Obviously my situation is slightly different because of the food issue but just to let you know I felt the same as you when I first started...

Would it be possible for you to maybe defer a year and spend that time dealing with your food problems - please don't think your anxiety will prevent you ever from getting a degree if that's what you want in life, but at the same time don't think a degree is the be all and end all.

Please, please, please, PM me if you want to talk to someone else who has been through uni with anxiety and depression :hugs:

[kazzie]

Yes Soph I meant you!!!!!:hugs:

So glad you have replied and biggest congrats on graduating:yesyes: :yesyes: :yesyes:

Hope you can help Smint

Kaz x x x:hugs: