don't know what's happening to me ?! scared

[lotus]

Hi guys

(keep in mind post might contain potential triggers)

I'll try to describe the situation I'm in even though it's so hard to collect my thoughts right now. I've been feeling very stragne for more than a week. I've never felt like this before. I would appreciate it if you could share your opinion on what's going on.

It all started when I was reading stuff on benzo withdrawal (horror stories), got very scared and convinced myself will most definitely have a seizure. Started thinking about it all the time. Began to feel head rushes and head going numb, vibration-like sensations in my head. Freaked out, felt desperate and doomed.

I've also been very depressed lately. Feeling that everything I've done in the past has been wrong, that I've messed up so badly I'll never ever get better. Feeling intense guilt, blaming myself about the past, and thinking I have no hope whatsoever. Thinking a lot about death (though I don't think I'm suicidal) and negative thoughts about life in general.

Then, in the beginning of last week, I started feeling this really extreme internal tension all day long, which would not subside (like a regular panic attack would) no matter what I do. It's been going on all week. It's like a sensation of horror and deep depression at the same time, and I can't make it stop. Everything seems scary, awful and hopeless as if I'm stuck in a nightmare. I'm usually able to make myself think about something positive or to distract and calm myself, but now I can't. I feel like I'm caught in a whirlwind of horror, trapped inside my own thoughts, which I want to escape so badly. I want to jump out of my skin.

It's like a never ending psychological panic attack, I'm freaking out on the inside. I don't have the usual physical symptoms like pounding heart, but I can't eat ot sleep. I get shakes and cold feet. Some nausea (could be from not eating). Dry mouth. I can't feel my body which makes me agitated, and I keep rubbing my face in order to feel something. Concentration and memory are bad. Some depersonalization and derealization. Weird thoughts which I can't explain (like I connect a sound or smell or sight or movement with a thought, and then freak out because it seems so crazy ... or like my thoughts are no longer held in my head but exploding all over the place, it's hard to explain). Constantly monitoring thoughts. Weird sensation inside my head, like pressure + tingling. Random memories and images are popping out of nowhere, deja vu feelings too. Feel like I've lost control. A couple of times I felt like I wanted to run to the psych ward and ask to be hospitalized. Didn't do it.

I visited a psychiatrist who is also a psychotherapist, but I don't think he understood the problem (I was freaking out the whole time, couldn't stop crying and couldn't explain exactly how I felt). He also kept interrupting me when I was telling him about the situation and was leading the conversation in a different direction.

I'm concerned I could be going over the edge here because I've never felt like this before. I read about psychotic depression and it turns out you could get delusions and hallucinations from being depressed. I'm scared this might be happening to me since I obviously overloaded my brain with scary and negative thoughts (about the seizures, etc.) Could I have driven myself to psychosis, what do you guys think is happening?

Sorry post is so long and thanks so much for reading it
I really need your opinion right now

[kathee]

Hello there, just to say hi and i am thinking of you, whilst I am not a doctor and if you are feeling so bad perhaps a visit to your doctor is justified just wanted to say that my therapist told me if you think you are going mad you're not because people who really go mad think they are behaving rationaly. It sounds to me that you seem to be in a state of high anxiety ( a state I know well !!!) I think you need to just tell yourself that your mind is playing tricks on you triggered off by what you read, be kind to yourself, have a nice long bubble bath - watch a movie -and keep reminding yourself that you scared yourself sh**less with what you read the way a horror movie would for some people...when you get these thoughts or feelings just laugh at them and maybe say to yourself "that will teach me for reading about trigger subjects" or something else lighthearted then let the symptom pass.... hope this has helped but like i say if you are very concerned see your doc ... take care hun x x

[lajjj]

hey:)if u was going over the edge or loosing your mind u would not be aware of it! anxiety is sneaky and will change alot to try and scare u and convince you, that you are about to die or go mad its about how YOU react to its threats.. i know exactly what u mean about wanting to jump out of your own body its how i get sometimes. just tell anxiety to do its worse accept what it throws at you! its the only way to calm it down it can only live when it thinks you are scared...watch what happens when u accept it !

[lotus]

I just made an appointment with the doc.
Hope to make it to his office and get some answers!

[lotus]

The doc doesn't seem to think I'm in danger of psychosis, but he refuses to calm me down. Again I couldn't explain my problem exactly. He says my detailed explanation is not necessary and my condition is obvious (?!). But I don't know if he's right. I'm afraid he dpesn't take me seriously.

I'm very scared something's wrong with me, I've never ever felt like this before, so out of it. Everything's so weird, and I'm weird, and my thoughts, and my bodily sensations, I don't know what's going on :(

[lotus]

I'm wondering if this could be something like agitated depression (mostly because of the extreme agitation I feel), but I don't know how to tell the difference between acute anxiety combined with depression and actual agitated depression. Does anybody have any idea?

[lotus]

It's me again

Sorry to be going on and on about this, but I'm scared and I don't know what's happening.

The weird feelings are still present. I can't feel my body. For example - I realise I'm touching my hand, but it doesn't feel like I'm touching my hand, very frustrating.
I feel detached from myself, like I don't know who I am anymore ? When I speak, it feels like it's someone else's thoughts. I want to cry but I can't, feel numb. Even my family members seem strange to me :( Everything is strange. I feel like I have a really high fever all the time and am perceiving the world in a distorted way.

I feel intense psychological anxiety and can't shake it at all. Almost no physical symptoms, apart from shaking (could be connected to the "can't feel my body" thing?), what I experience is more like a non-stop psychological panic attack combined with a cog fog. I feel trapped and like I want to escape myself and the planet. Everything is weird and terrifies me.

Constantly thinking what happened to me, am I going into psychosis, why do I feel like this, etc. Mostly worried about going into a psychotic depression or mania or schizophrenia.

Also - the second doctor I saw prescribed Coaxil (Tianeptine). It is a serotonin reuptake accelerator (actually the opposite of SSRI's). I don't know if I should take it now or maybe wait till I get better (right now wondering if I ever will)?

[bellabessnjet]

Sorry your feeling so bad, I have had only a few similar feelings, I feel like Im in a daze, I feel like crying but can't, unemotional, drained, not there. People talk to me don't have a clue what they've said. Thoughts about things being worse, and can't stop them. I feel not me, only way I can describe it. Also the shaking, arm and especially legs, I feel like a nervous wreck, want to sleep sooo bad, soo tired and yet every night awake. Your not alone, though I know it probably won't help, Keep annoying those Drs eventually they'll have to do something,even to just stop the nagging!
Take care

[lotus]

Thank you so much for your replies bellabessnjet, kathee and lajjj

My main problem is that I don't think this is anxiety and depression. I'm afraid I also have another mental illness which doctors misdiagnose. I was so scared today, because along with the feelings of anxiety and doom, I also experienced euphoria at the same time. Felt like I'm on really weird drugs and not having a nice trip at all. Makes me think I maybe in a mixed mania or something like that. It's so confusing, and I don't know when I will be able to see the doctor again.

[bellabessnjet]

I think because we think to much and try to analyze everthing our minds play tricks. I feel like I need meds to get me to a mental state where I then can work at the problem. Once you start thinking negative thoughts everything has a negative angle to it. (I know!) you start spiralling down and 1 prob becomes 2 and then breeds like rabbits. I'm not yet mentally strong enough to deal with it but am going back to Drs for more advice. I booked a double appointment first visit so that I wouldn't feel rushed. Dont know if this is an option for you, also dont hide your symptons I did 3 yrs ago, this time i've told them everything, even the things I'm not proud of. Good luck after reading this site there is hope and we can do it(eventually)(I hope!)

[lotus]

I don't hide my symptoms, I try to explain things as clearly as I can, sometimes the doctor takes the conversation in another direction, sometimes I just forget to mention a symptom. I've tried to book a double appointment but they tell me a regular one is enough.

I will see the doctor on Thursday, couldn't get an appointment earlier. Don't know what I will do till then.

[Maj]

Hi,

I agree with what the others have said. I think that it's possible to wind yourself up to a state of high anxiety. You said you have read about psychosis with depression, etc. We are so suggestible to everything when anxious. We think everything we read and hear will be our next symptom and this in turn makes us more anxious. You sound perfectly lucid to me! Just very very anxious. I think your doctor should be doing something to help you with this as you will feel worn out. Please go back to the doctor and explain everything and tell them just how awful you feel. You don't deserve to have to feel like this all this time. In the meantime try and relax as much as you can until that appointment. You can recover from this with the right help.
Regards
Myra:hugs:

[lajjj]

totally agree with myra...i used to feel alot like you lotus its so easy to get stuck in that way of thinking , it helps me to read through the posts on here you often find that everyone is going through the same stuff. i am sure the doctors must deal with this sort of thing alot you need to trust what they say i know its easy to think they may be missing something...maybe try and get a second opinion to put your mind at rest, its very hard to accept your mind can be causing so much pain.. but the mind is powerful. if you were going mad or something i dont think you would be able to actually come on here lookin for help! i really hope u start to feel better soon x

[sammie]

hi loftus

your experiences sound just like me two years ago , it was a living hell but it does get better, you have severe anxiety. you are not psychotic or any other major mental illness i can assure you of that and you will not develop any of the things you are worried about

please pm if you want to

sam x

[keleb0709]

Hey :)
Have you heard of a program called panic away? Check out the website www.panicaway.com (http://www.panicaway.com)
It changed my life! I too was 100% in your position a few months ago. A state i have been in for years on and off and usually anti depressants fix but this time they made the physical sensations worse. You are in a state of break down and that is all. I had no choice but to train my brain to get better because no meds were working and i thank god everyday for leading me to the site. This site too has been a god send, but the program i want you to look at is exercises, a book and cd's that really open your eyes. Please, please understand that you are in no danger and you will get better. In the meantime try some calming herbs from the health shop (that is only if you are not on any meds) and also some fish oil and magnesium which will settle the shakes.
Keep me posted sweetie x

[panicchick]

hello i am new to this site and i just wanted to tell you that i know how you feel i have been there a few hundred times myself. You feel like your going crazy and that you have what you read about. I know exactly how you feel my doctor told me if you think about something to much your brain tends to think you have it. I thought i had the swine flu but i went and got it checked out and i wasn't sick at all i was just thinking that i had it so much i made myself sick. I do hope you feel better and trust me your not alone at all.

[lotus]

Thank you so much for your replies, they managed to comfort me a little!

However, I'm still concerned! My doctor is convinced this is all anxiety, and he refuses to discuss symptoms and diagnoses further with me. He says it's not helping because I'm focusing too much on being sick (which I guess is true, but I feel sick all the time) and turning myself into a "professional patient".

If this is anxiety, it sure is a form of it I've never experienced before. I'm still concerned it's something else, so I'm thinking about seeing another doctor in the first week of October ... just to make sure. :unsure:

[MOJO]

Hi Lotus!
I was wondering how you are and if you went to another doctor or not. I just found your thread and it's exactly how I feel at the moment which is scaring me to death. I have had anxiety for a year but this is awful. I really sympathise with you.
Judy.