panicmansach
16-09-09, 21:33
Hello everyone,
Firstly thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my story and my struggle within my own mind at the moment. I will try to keep it as short as possible. I am 29 year old Male , university grad and have a great job, family and life.
My story starts with a history of neurosis / anxiety for as far as I can remember. I have always been anxious for some reason or another throughout my life ie. school, work , social etc ... I was although very social at times and still don't have much of a problem in social situations. No history of mental illness in my family although my mother is an undiagnosed neurotic I think and does suffer with anxiety but deals with it by constantly being busy and she worries excessivley.
Approximatley 5 years ago I was exposed to alcohol (never drank until I was 24) and from the first drink it was such a relief. I went from being a social drinker, regular drinker to a full blown alcoholic in the last 2 years. The last 6 months of my drinking career was 500ML of Vodka per day usually alone in my apartment after work until I passed out. After a horrible 3 day binge I had a breakdown and called my family / girlfriend in tears that I just didn't want to feel this way anymore and didnt want these depressed feelings. I joined AA and have been sober now for 5 months. It has been a tough 5 months filled with anxiety / depression. Although I have noticed in the last couple months I have been feeling really down (depressed) not suicidal or anything (although anxiety can bring unwanted thoughts) and anxious. I have a major fear of going crazy ie. psychosis and it feels its right around the corner for me. I am constantly consumed by the need to search all over the internet for stories of people with psychosis / bipolar / schizo and start relating things to myself ... ex. Mood Swings (I have mood swings nothing major I mean I can go from sad to relativley normal and content throughout the day but not manic at least I dont tink so) or I will expect hallucinations to start happening and question everything for example if out of the corner of my eye at night I may see a black shadow or blob for a split mili second I convince myself this is the onset of psychosis (i think tis normal sometimes isnt it? could it be anxiety causing it always looking for something?)
I have been finding a need to read alot about spirituality when never really religious or spiritual in the past and went thorugh a period of questioning or existence being afraid of death and trying to understand why we are here what is the purpose of humanity is there really a god constantly trapped in my mind with these thoughts and searching the net for answers or explanations but that frightended me because I read that many psychosis / schizo experiences begin with some religious spiritual pre-occupation prior to onset of positive symptoms hallucinations / delusions etc... When I read about spirituality it brings a sense of calm and I feel like my outlook on life and the world has changed ie. money isn't so important , giving love and treating each person as you would yourself and all of a sudden an urge to repair strained relationships ie. with my parents, siblings. But then these thoughts of what if its the beggining of my psychosis that I am feeling this way.
I feel like a yo yo and each day is different experience sometimes I can go throughout the day relativley normal having a great day sometimes I can be depressed anxious and not so sociable. I am always hyper vigilant of my thoughts like always aware of every thing that I think or speak to prove to myself I have some sanity (hmmm a psychotic person wouldnt say this) after all the symptoms I read I can play tricks on myself such as ... paranoid thoughts since thats also a psychotic symptom even though I know its not real and just freaking myself out cause of the anxiety.
I suppose im afraid that this constant anxiety / depressed state will lead to something worse or maybe there is more to it then that ... at times I feel traped and think will I ever feel normal again be able to get married have kids and not fee so miserable. I also have dp/dr symptoms at times usually when anxiety is at peak it flows throughout the day.
I don't know whether I have full blown panic attacks because I dont get a racing heart usually its just this awful impending doom feeling, overwhelming depressed state and ridiculous thoughts and fear im going to snap or loose touch with reality any moment.
These feelings come in waves thorughout the day within each hour I can go from dread and despair, impending doom , fear to feeling normal again for a while ... are these panic attacks or something worse ...?:ohmy:
Thank you all very much in advance,
Panicmansach
Firstly thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my story and my struggle within my own mind at the moment. I will try to keep it as short as possible. I am 29 year old Male , university grad and have a great job, family and life.
My story starts with a history of neurosis / anxiety for as far as I can remember. I have always been anxious for some reason or another throughout my life ie. school, work , social etc ... I was although very social at times and still don't have much of a problem in social situations. No history of mental illness in my family although my mother is an undiagnosed neurotic I think and does suffer with anxiety but deals with it by constantly being busy and she worries excessivley.
Approximatley 5 years ago I was exposed to alcohol (never drank until I was 24) and from the first drink it was such a relief. I went from being a social drinker, regular drinker to a full blown alcoholic in the last 2 years. The last 6 months of my drinking career was 500ML of Vodka per day usually alone in my apartment after work until I passed out. After a horrible 3 day binge I had a breakdown and called my family / girlfriend in tears that I just didn't want to feel this way anymore and didnt want these depressed feelings. I joined AA and have been sober now for 5 months. It has been a tough 5 months filled with anxiety / depression. Although I have noticed in the last couple months I have been feeling really down (depressed) not suicidal or anything (although anxiety can bring unwanted thoughts) and anxious. I have a major fear of going crazy ie. psychosis and it feels its right around the corner for me. I am constantly consumed by the need to search all over the internet for stories of people with psychosis / bipolar / schizo and start relating things to myself ... ex. Mood Swings (I have mood swings nothing major I mean I can go from sad to relativley normal and content throughout the day but not manic at least I dont tink so) or I will expect hallucinations to start happening and question everything for example if out of the corner of my eye at night I may see a black shadow or blob for a split mili second I convince myself this is the onset of psychosis (i think tis normal sometimes isnt it? could it be anxiety causing it always looking for something?)
I have been finding a need to read alot about spirituality when never really religious or spiritual in the past and went thorugh a period of questioning or existence being afraid of death and trying to understand why we are here what is the purpose of humanity is there really a god constantly trapped in my mind with these thoughts and searching the net for answers or explanations but that frightended me because I read that many psychosis / schizo experiences begin with some religious spiritual pre-occupation prior to onset of positive symptoms hallucinations / delusions etc... When I read about spirituality it brings a sense of calm and I feel like my outlook on life and the world has changed ie. money isn't so important , giving love and treating each person as you would yourself and all of a sudden an urge to repair strained relationships ie. with my parents, siblings. But then these thoughts of what if its the beggining of my psychosis that I am feeling this way.
I feel like a yo yo and each day is different experience sometimes I can go throughout the day relativley normal having a great day sometimes I can be depressed anxious and not so sociable. I am always hyper vigilant of my thoughts like always aware of every thing that I think or speak to prove to myself I have some sanity (hmmm a psychotic person wouldnt say this) after all the symptoms I read I can play tricks on myself such as ... paranoid thoughts since thats also a psychotic symptom even though I know its not real and just freaking myself out cause of the anxiety.
I suppose im afraid that this constant anxiety / depressed state will lead to something worse or maybe there is more to it then that ... at times I feel traped and think will I ever feel normal again be able to get married have kids and not fee so miserable. I also have dp/dr symptoms at times usually when anxiety is at peak it flows throughout the day.
I don't know whether I have full blown panic attacks because I dont get a racing heart usually its just this awful impending doom feeling, overwhelming depressed state and ridiculous thoughts and fear im going to snap or loose touch with reality any moment.
These feelings come in waves thorughout the day within each hour I can go from dread and despair, impending doom , fear to feeling normal again for a while ... are these panic attacks or something worse ...?:ohmy:
Thank you all very much in advance,
Panicmansach