Is it just anxiety? ... Why do I feel its worse?

[panicmansach]

Hello everyone,

Firstly thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my story and my struggle within my own mind at the moment. I will try to keep it as short as possible. I am 29 year old Male , university grad and have a great job, family and life.

My story starts with a history of neurosis / anxiety for as far as I can remember. I have always been anxious for some reason or another throughout my life ie. school, work , social etc ... I was although very social at times and still don't have much of a problem in social situations. No history of mental illness in my family although my mother is an undiagnosed neurotic I think and does suffer with anxiety but deals with it by constantly being busy and she worries excessivley.

Approximatley 5 years ago I was exposed to alcohol (never drank until I was 24) and from the first drink it was such a relief. I went from being a social drinker, regular drinker to a full blown alcoholic in the last 2 years. The last 6 months of my drinking career was 500ML of Vodka per day usually alone in my apartment after work until I passed out. After a horrible 3 day binge I had a breakdown and called my family / girlfriend in tears that I just didn't want to feel this way anymore and didnt want these depressed feelings. I joined AA and have been sober now for 5 months. It has been a tough 5 months filled with anxiety / depression. Although I have noticed in the last couple months I have been feeling really down (depressed) not suicidal or anything (although anxiety can bring unwanted thoughts) and anxious. I have a major fear of going crazy ie. psychosis and it feels its right around the corner for me. I am constantly consumed by the need to search all over the internet for stories of people with psychosis / bipolar / schizo and start relating things to myself ... ex. Mood Swings (I have mood swings nothing major I mean I can go from sad to relativley normal and content throughout the day but not manic at least I dont tink so) or I will expect hallucinations to start happening and question everything for example if out of the corner of my eye at night I may see a black shadow or blob for a split mili second I convince myself this is the onset of psychosis (i think tis normal sometimes isnt it? could it be anxiety causing it always looking for something?)

I have been finding a need to read alot about spirituality when never really religious or spiritual in the past and went thorugh a period of questioning or existence being afraid of death and trying to understand why we are here what is the purpose of humanity is there really a god constantly trapped in my mind with these thoughts and searching the net for answers or explanations but that frightended me because I read that many psychosis / schizo experiences begin with some religious spiritual pre-occupation prior to onset of positive symptoms hallucinations / delusions etc... When I read about spirituality it brings a sense of calm and I feel like my outlook on life and the world has changed ie. money isn't so important , giving love and treating each person as you would yourself and all of a sudden an urge to repair strained relationships ie. with my parents, siblings. But then these thoughts of what if its the beggining of my psychosis that I am feeling this way.

I feel like a yo yo and each day is different experience sometimes I can go throughout the day relativley normal having a great day sometimes I can be depressed anxious and not so sociable. I am always hyper vigilant of my thoughts like always aware of every thing that I think or speak to prove to myself I have some sanity (hmmm a psychotic person wouldnt say this) after all the symptoms I read I can play tricks on myself such as ... paranoid thoughts since thats also a psychotic symptom even though I know its not real and just freaking myself out cause of the anxiety.

I suppose im afraid that this constant anxiety / depressed state will lead to something worse or maybe there is more to it then that ... at times I feel traped and think will I ever feel normal again be able to get married have kids and not fee so miserable. I also have dp/dr symptoms at times usually when anxiety is at peak it flows throughout the day.

I don't know whether I have full blown panic attacks because I dont get a racing heart usually its just this awful impending doom feeling, overwhelming depressed state and ridiculous thoughts and fear im going to snap or loose touch with reality any moment.

These feelings come in waves thorughout the day within each hour I can go from dread and despair, impending doom , fear to feeling normal again for a while ... are these panic attacks or something worse ...?:ohmy:

Thank you all very much in advance,

Panicmansach

[Madeleine]

Hey there,

I think what you're describing is derealization or depersonalisation. Two lovely symptoms of anxiety! Look them up, I think there maybe info on this site or just google them. I suffer from both and they come in waves as you describe. Derealization is where you feel like the world around you is not real, and depersonalisation is where you just don't feel like you're here.

Does that sound like what you experience?

Madeleine. x

[Bill]

All anxieties are created by "excessive worry" brought on by "fear". We live in fear so every worry we create is based on fear.

We're often also intense people and deep thinkers which makes us analyse and dwell on every worry.

One thing which I think is very common is a "fear of losing control". We fear that if we lose control, we'll lose our minds but this is just based on our need to feel safe.

We're often very insecure and lack confidence so we constantly doubt ourselves. When our anxious feelings become too great, we often look for ways to ease our symptoms such as smoking, drinking, selfharming etc, even by developing OCD for immediate relief.

Fear of losing control not only makes us analyse our thoughts but also affects how we go about our daily lives. For instance, we might worry that if our curtains aren't straight, neighbours will think we're not in control of ourselves or our household. We want to appear "normal" to others which is often associated with a lack of confidence in our own abilities creating that self-doubt.

One of the problems with a fear of losing control is that we feel the need to keep "safe" which means we create tension for ourselves. This means that every time we feel forced off our "safe path" we become anxious which then leads to our feelings of being depressed because we feel we should be "stronger" and more capable.

However, th only real difference we have between ourselves and others is our lack of confidence. A confident person doesn't live in fear because they feel they can cope with anything so they don't need to stay on a "safe path".

To overcome fear, we need to allow ourselves to be free. A safe path creates a cage because we feel trapped creating emotional stress. We need to allow ourselves to fly and to be "care free".

When you get these thoughts, don't dwell or analyse them. tell yourself they are just thoughts created by fear. Be care free by telling yourself these thoughts are unimportant. They are "just" thoughts. Learn how to tackle intensity by learning how to relax and letting thoughts "go through you". Try to resist feeding your anxiety by searching for answers to worries.

The more we focus on anxious thoughts and try to keep control, the more anxious we become.:unsure:

[panicmansach]

Thank you so much for the reply both !!!!

[Crush]

Hello everyone,
These feelings come in waves thorughout the day within each hour I can go from dread and despair, impending doom , fear to feeling normal again for a while ... are these panic attacks or something worse ...?:ohmy:

Thank you all very much in advance,

Panicmansach

Well your story is pretty classic.

Firstly I do not think you have anxiety, but rather a mood disorder (which will of course cuase small levels of anxiety.. but that's only from the mood disorder. When you have panic attacks you'll know it.)

You seem to need Lithium actually becuase it can regulate your mood swings. This Dr. on youtube really likes Lithium. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JnvxB_ommw

Step back and look at this from the outside.

You have a great life.
You are young.
You have no reason to be upset, yet you are and don't know why.

This is a classic mood disorder.

And to medicate this problem you drink. This is the only enjoyment you get in your day. I did the very same thing. Some people turn to food, other starve themselves.

When the midcation started to work me, the drinking stopped. It's that simple. I quit smoking (before my panic attacks were diagnosed) and till this day I do not even crave ciggarettes.

It was odd all those other times I quit I would still always think about and crave ciggarettes. It was really the anxiety making me want to smoke.

Anyhow, realize that Alcohol is a drug that you are using to medicate yourself. It's not something you are truly addicted to. So when you stop drinking, you'll still having problems.

Just see a Dr. and get some medication. Put this part of your life behind you and enjoy a drink every once in a while.

[panicmansach]

Well your story is pretty classic.

Firstly I do not think you have anxiety, but rather a mood disorder (which will of course cuase small levels of anxiety.. but that's only from the mood disorder. When you have panic attacks you'll know it.)

You seem to need Lithium actually becuase it can regulate your mood swings. This Dr. on youtube really likes Lithium. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JnvxB_ommw

Step back and look at this from the outside.

You have a great life.
You are young.
You have no reason to be upset, yet you are and don't know why.

This is a classic mood disorder.

And to medicate this problem you drink. This is the only enjoyment you get in your day. I did the very same thing. Some people turn to food, other starve themselves.

When the midcation started to work me, the drinking stopped. It's that simple. I quit smoking (before my panic attacks were diagnosed) and till this day I do not even crave ciggarettes.

It was odd all those other times I quit I would still always think about and crave ciggarettes. It was really the anxiety making me want to smoke.

Anyhow, realize that Alcohol is a drug that you are using to medicate yourself. It's not something you are truly addicted to. So when you stop drinking, you'll still having problems.

Just see a Dr. and get some medication. Put this part of your life behind you and enjoy a drink every once in a while.

Thanks for your reply Crush although I disagree with your post entirely and you can not assume everyone has a mood disorder because of your experience as I have seen thats a common reply from you. Please don't take offence to this but mood disorders often are 'Extreme' otherwise 90% of the population would be diagnosed with mood disorders as everyone feels ups and downs throughout the day / week.

Its the level of these swings that may indicate a problem. I have never had a hypomanic / manic episode ... when I say I feel ''good' this means feel normal nothing excessive.

I agree perhaps mood stabilizers such as lithium are beneficial but wasn't recommended by my psychiatrist as I did not qualify for a mood disorder.

And as far as alcohol is concerned (Once you cross the invisable line) it is hard to resume drinking on a normal level. Alcoholics can not stop at one drink you see that is the key ... statistics show that 1 in 20 people suffer from alcoholism in North America and that doesn't qualify each one as a mood disorder .... don't get me wrong many of them may have mental illness vast majority anxiety / depression .... and a small part with mental illness in the psychosis realm such as bipolar / schizo.

I think if you can drink on occasion thats fantastic and wonderful for you ... I certainley know that I can never pick up a drink and don't want to for the feelings it brings along with it are simply not worth the momentary relief.

Glad to know you are doing well and god bless

-Panicmansach