Hi

[Telena]

Hi guys,

I sort of know how it feels to not be in control of your anxieties. When I was 9 I started a new school and I was bullied a bit, so I started to feel overly anxious about things. I needed the toilet all of the time, and I had what I can see now as obsessive compulsive tendancies, where I had to touch something within a certain amount of time or count to ten a lot. I don't know what happened, but after things settled down a bit at my school I sort of grew out of it, with only a few recurrances of unrelated depression etc during my teenage years. I made a conscious decision that I didnt want to be like that any more, and took back control. Since then I have believed in the power of the mind over the body. In that I can see how the mind can cause symptoms etc, but also that the mind can control many things in the opposite way. I even believe I can force my period to come if I think about it enough! (well sort of)

Now my partner of 5 years is showing symptoms of GAD. He is constantly complaining of aches, pains, twitches, heartbeats etc. We have just moved in together, the first time we have lived alone. He has his first proper job after uni, the job of his dreams. Everything should be ok. But he is obsessed with every little thing his body does. Its so difficult for me to see an end to it at the moment, because I feel as though he isn't trying. He keeps saying things like its impossible for him to stop himself thinking he is going to die. How is it impossible!? Isn't that half the problem? Believing you aren't the one who is in control? I have said this sort of thing to him so often... and I am constantly telling him he is ok. It just seems to fall on deaf ears, and he has this distant look in his eyes, like I couldn't possibly know or understand. And the thing is, maybe in a way I dont.

He goes to the doctor, finds out its not anything really wrong like a heart attack, but the next week his head hurts and he thinks hes got a brain tumour. One thing after another. I try so hard not to get frustrated with him, but he wont listen to me when I say its ok. I feel really helpless and I want to help him so much because its so hard to see him like this. Its hard for me to deal with the stress of the illnesses too, because when he goes on about it so much I can't help but think "what if he is seriously ill, what i I lost him?"

I want him to feel ok, I wish I could understand where this has come from and how I can help. But if he won't take control what am I supposed to do? Its driving me crazy. I am constantly worried about him, worried about what he thinks, how he feels, what to do to help him. I know hes not thinking this stuff about me, so I feel my life is getting a bit neglected.

All the things we had planned about when we'd move in together, all the friends we'd make, all the fun we'd have... its all gone out of the window since this has happened. I just wish he would take control like I did and choose life, but I feel as though thats the last thing on his mind. He should be concentrating on dealing with having GAD not a brain tumour, or a heart attack.

Another thing is that I often wonder if its because of me, he was fine when we weren't living alone together. No one at his work seems to know about it. Its just me, I get the brunt of it. I guess thats what you get for being in love.
(Sorry this is so long[:I])

[Meg]

Hello Telena

Welcome. You are absolutely right in all your comments especially that he has to figure it out for himself that he has a Health anxiety issue and these continual symptoms and trips to the doctors are not usual or helpful.

*I just wish he would take control like I did and choose life,* If he doesn't know he has an anxiety issue and still truly believes he is ill - he is not ready to even consider this yet.

Something will have triggered these thoughts off -- any idea what ?

Distraction and concentration on other things are key right now.

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/symptoms.htm
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/healthanxiety.htm

First Steps to overcoming Panic and Anxiety (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=942)


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[Trev]

Hi Telena,

I went through this myself over the last year. I went from the person who always sorted things for people to somebody who couldn't even feed himself.
My obsessions were initially stroke and then I really focused on heart attack. The reason I hit on these was the nature of the pains and sensations I was getting. I knew nothing of all this "Thoughts, Feelings, Behaviour" stuff at that time it all hit me. To me it came out of the blue. However, when I look back there are obvious triggers.

All I can say is, when you are going through it, it is hell. You want to be yourself so much but it genuinely seems out of your control. The pains are horrible and it is a genuine belief that you are about to croak it. I believe that your body becomes so pumped with adrenaline etc that to some degree your control initially is dulled. You become primed to every change. The slightest change in temperature. Supermarkets used to really do me in. They are designed to attack your senses. When you are ok you don't notice this. When you are riding high on adrenaline, believe me, you notice alright! You also become hyper sensitive to what is said to you, news articles, etc. etc. It becomes almost impossible to be logical about stuff.

He needs education on what is happening to him. He needs to accept that it will take a bit of time. He needs to accept that cure will only come from him. However, he needs support. The best support I had was that my girlfriend and close friends were normal with me. I couldn't have coped with people being different around me. It would have been the final straw.

What worked for me briefly :

1) Relaxation. Time away with my girlfriend.
2) Distraction. As Meg says. I started playing guitar. You may have to cope with wearing ear plugs for a bit!! :D
3) Education. Books like Claire Weekes "Self Help For Your Nerves" are essential reading in my opinion. Meg also does a CD course which I only found as I was virtually recovered. I wish I had found it at the start.
4) I saw a councellor who put me on a stress management course. That was the first time I found out about this T, F, B, model and realised I was doing it to myself.
5) Exercise has been essential. Get him walking. He'll probably think he's gonna die in the park but encourage him gently. Increase the intensity over time.
6) Cut out all stimulants. I cut out coffee and tea and started on those cammomile things.....ahhhh.
7) Improve your diet generally.
8) I started doing Hatha yoga which is the more relaxation focussed one.
9) I had acupuncture.
10 Found a good masseur. There's a natural health clinic near us and she does brilliant aromatherapy massages.

Right, I'll leave it there.

He will come out of it if he accepts what he has to do. It won't be easy but it is a simple cure. Believe me, he's probably more cut up about what it's doing to you than you may realise.

Good luck.

Trev :D

[Telena]

Wow, Thankyou. You have helped me a lot. To understand, and even just typing all of that stuff helped, because I got it out of my system and now I can sit back and look at it from a bit more of a distance. I got all caught up in it for a bit there! I just have to be optimistic instead of thinking that he might never accept it. Its a relief to be able to indulge in self pity for a little while, sometimes its hard to be optimistic all the time. Especially because all close our friends are quite far away at the moment and the only people we can talk to are each other. I like to be quite optimistic when I talk to him, so I don't always get to air my worries. I love him and I'll be there for him whenever he needs me.

I just have to be patient and wait until he accepts it, until then I'll make sure hes fed well and feels comfy and relaxed a lot. I knew it would take time, but sometimes its hard when it feels like we are getting somewhere and then for seemingly no reason we take a step back.

We have a pretty good diet, coz I have an illness which is related to insulin resistance, is there any specific foods that help with anxiety?

I can't really think of what could've caused it, It happened when we moved away together alone. Previously we lived with my parents and at uni with friends, so we have always had other people around. I've asked him and he says he has no idea. Maybe it just meant he wasn't distracted from his problems so much anymore.

Thank you guys! I've been watching the forums for a little while, and I think you are all amazing! :D

[Trev]

Hi Telena,

Typing it out does help I think. I've found it useful as a sort of on-line journal of my progress as well.

Quote..."I just have to be patient and wait until he accepts it, until then I'll make sure hes fed well and feels comfy and relaxed a lot."
Good on you. :D Keep his energy up. It's what he needs at the moment. Don't forget to look after yourself as well. It's hard on you watching it happen to someone you love. Take some time for yourself as well when necessary.

Also, however much you keep an eye on him he still needs to do the things himself. Education is key. Cure will only come from within himself ultimately. And it may take a bit of time. Just get thim to try and do normal things even though he may feel like ****! Have you got him onto this site? I wish I'd found it earlier. And I believe the sooner you can deal with it the less time you have to build up the bad memories and the quicker cure will come.
Foods for anxiety is not my subject really. I have heard that Omega 3 is meant to be good and also magnesium. There is a section on this site about supplements if you go back to the home page. I think a good balanced diet with all the obvious stuff is probably best. Fruit, veg, no processed food etc.

Don't necessarily worry too much about finding out what caused it. You can waste alot ot time and energy on that one! It's here now and his main worry is probably the pains and perceived imminent death. Deal with the current problems I reckon. That was what my main problem was in the end. Once I knew why it was happening I could start to accept it.

You can't underestimate the need for friends around you. I had a similar situation. A large group of friends from uni days gradually dwindled away to different parts of the world. It wasn't my main factor but it didn't help. I didn't realise I was spending more and more time on my own until it was too late. My girlfriend flies so I had chunks of time on my own which used to be filled with the friends that had now gone.

He's lucky to have someone who cares so much about him. It makes it a lot easier. :D But, as I say, don't forget to take some time to spoil yourself here and there.

All the best,
Trev

[Meg]

Hypoglycemia (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=189)
Gi Diet (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=3179)


Insulin resistance GI regime is perfect for him too.

Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[rhowes2000]

Hi Telena, that post could have honestly been from my girlfriend! I panic over the slightest symptom, and always expect the worse. Heart attack, brain tumour, cancer etc. As previously mentioned by Trev his methods certainly sound great. I am working on distraction at the moment and just today felt so much better by really focussing on my work. Exercise is very helpful as well, he may feel worse at first but it will quickly improve. Just try and encourage him not to exercise too hard as this will produce more adrenaline which usually leads to heightened panic. Going for walks together would be ideal. Good luck and also I know it wasn't what you were trying to gain from your post but it has made me think about my girlfriends perspective a lot more and made me even more determined to beat this. Thank you.

[Meg]

Telena

Might it have to do with sudden dawning of responsibility and his expectations and beliefs in his role in life ..

New qualifications- new job - new house - new boyfriend role leading to ... what if what if

Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[desperate]

I must say i was the same a bit

New house....degree 'counting'.....living with new people....new boyfriend....getting the bus too uni.....it was just a hell of a lot to take in at once and i didn't cope very well with all those changes. Especially if you are used to a pretty mundane village life!

Take care of yourself as well!

First Anxiety...then panic attacks...now GAD and depression...now working on a better future!

[Telena]

Thanks Trev, You've really helped me understand a bit more how to help. I was getting frustrated because I felt as though I couldn't really do anything. But you made me realise that what I do does help. He tells me that it does, but when I see him like that its really hard to believe. I think its hard when you love someone, because a major part of love is that you make your partner happy... so its really hard when they are sad because it feels like you have failed them in some way.... Its not something I consciously think about, I just think its in built or something.

Meg, I agree it probably is the change in lifestyle etc. Its a bit weird coz he was looking forward to moving out of my parents house for so long and he has his dream job! I think it all happened quite quickly, so maybe he just felt like he wasn't in control anymore. I don't think we'll ever figure out exactly why its happened, there are so many small little things it could be. In the 5 years we've been together, living together for 4 years (with other people tho), we've been through so many changes so its hard to pinpoint what it is about these ones that makes it different.

rhowes2000, I am glad that I helped! I don't always feel that way, only sometimes when it all gets on top of me. I was worried when I first posted coz I just typed all the stuff in my head! It can be that intense sometimes, but most of the time I just want to help him, I bet thats how your girlfriend feels too. I told my boyfriend about this post (he is on this forum), I don't like to rant at him and depress him but we also tell each other everything. Sometimes its nice to know that he worries about me too.

Hi Desperate, You helped me understand more too! I actually went through a similar thing when I first went to uni. I moved from a tiny weeny village to Leeds, which was really scary and big to me... and I wasn't at the same uni as my boyfriend. My stresses seemed to manifest themselves physically, and I was throwing up every day. I wasn't worried or anxious really, which is where it differs slightly. I just hated my course, being in a big city and being away from everyone I loved and I think it was my bodies way of making sure I did something about it. I moved unis to where my boyf was and made lots of friends and didnt even realise how often I had been sick until about a month after!

Geez another long one!