View Full Version : Panic- anger- HELP- numbness- crying- ARRRRGGGGGGG
I just tryed to ring CAMS about my 6y daughter to get her assesed for anxiety. I felt good about the phone call really good i wasn't scared or freaking out till she said that she thought my daughter was just an attenstion seeker and i need to be more stricter with her then it just hit my heart started to race I started to forget what I wanted to say I started to feel like i was going to say something i was going to regrett. Then i totaly flipped out I was finding it hard to breath and i hung up the phone on her and threw it down and then i lost it I was breathing so fast that i was getting really dizzy and i screamed and started pacing the floor anything to calm down. I rang my partner to talk to him and help me calm down but I'm sitting here now crying I can hardly see what I'm typing. I to curl up in a corner and just vanish i want to ring her back and scream at her i want to.
I so sick of this I so sick pf people telling me my daughter is fine is all my fault if i just did something better she will grow out it. If my baby wasn't with my right now i would walk out of the house and keep walking till i can walk no more. I feel so numb right now I want to cut my self to make sure i'm not really numb. i want to bang my head so hard that i pass out that's how angry i am in side but i feel numb on the out side like i dont have energy to move.
I rang some one to pick my baby up cause I dont want him around me right me now. he was picking up on the way i was feeling I he dosn't need to feel sad for me he's only 1y.
I dont know what to do I want to snap out of the way I'm feeling but i feel so numb and tired and like I sleep for eva. Deep dow inside me I feel such uncontrolable anger like I want run around my house and brack every thing knock it all over and throw it as far as i can throw it. i wnat to run a million mile just to make self feel some thing. The tear's are still rolling down my face slowly and i sit here typing and thinking it's like I've been put on slow motion. I new this would happen it all ways dose I'm hopeless and no one care about me. I'm just one person in this world and my safe section of the world is so small and It just feels like it got smaller. It feel like I not meant to be here if i was shouldn't it be easier it should feel like this i should have to feel like i do right now. i feel like i want to ring everyone i know and scream at all them. I want to find the highest building and loudest speacker's and shout "WHAT ABOUT ME WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU. WHY CAN I JUST DEAL WITH THING LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE"
I have my music up loud and I'm trying to sing but I cant stop crying.
I'm sitting here on my lounge curled up tryint not cry and all that keep flashing threw my head is every way posible that i might get so angry that I hurt my self or worse. I'm scrard to have shower in case I get so angry that a fall and hit my head. I scares to go near any place in my house that there might be something dangous that could hut me. i just want to thoughts to go away. i want to stop crying just get on with my day.
Everytime i think about what happen and think about ring back to fight for what i know to be true i start to panic again and breath way to fast that i get dizzy. I just hate being like this I just want to get my daughter the help i know she need's. She dosn't deserve to go threw what I have lived with for 27 year's. What if I caused this she was induced cause she was a week over due and thay induced me with the drug cinto(not sure of the spelling) what i beleaive is the same the type of drug that zolft the anti depressant is made from. What if that messed with her and that why she is alway been so hard to get to show her love a and feelings. What 6mth olf baby start pinching to get you to put her down and let wont let you feed her a bottle. That makes no sence to me I cant be the cause of that you dont disaplin ababy how can her problem be me and lack of disaplin if I didn;t disaplin properly she would still be loosing the plot still tadoy the way she did when she was 1y come on even i know that is not posible for a baby to have disaplin issues i didn't reject her or not love her enought. justb the opersite i never wanted to put her down she was the only thing plus my other kids giveing me a reason to live back then. What if my depression cause her to get some sort of depresion and what if she every keeps teeling me i'm the problem and sending me away and she become a self halmer like i did, what if no one listen to me an she starts thinking of killing her self i could handle that i dont want that i want people to take me serious and stop telling me i'm the problem if thay were living with her thay see what i see.
I'm feeling a little better now I had a HOT shower and then my partner drop in to give me a hug. I works close by I didn't ask him to come home he rjust did. I'm eating ice cream right now I still feel numb but I dont feel lso scared to get off the longe any more.
Mum,
Well done for settling yourself and doing the sensible thing whilst you were so angry and getting your baby looked after so well.
You did well to make that phone call even if you didn't get the reponse you needed.
I don't know how the system works over with you so can't suggest how to get what you need for her but your response was in line with your normal pattern but feel good that you didn't take off, that you did release by crying and you didn't destroy anything - thats looking better for you.
You do need to use your energy rapidly when that happens - could you get a exercise stationary bike or another piece of equipment that you can jump on and use this huge surge of energy.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Thankyou for your message. I have never taken off with out kids when I panic but it part of my panic that i might one day. I have how ever lost it and push a fue things ove but that was 6 year ago when i was in depression and I'd stuggling to pay bills and I received a letter saying i had to pay to $500 14 day's or thay would take me to court. it was an accident excess for the injury that 3rd party said she got after telling us she was fine and if was 8 mth after thue accident and we had moved house not realising she had made any claim's. The same day we receive a bill for her car for $1045 to be payed in 14 day as well. We managed to organise a payment plan for the car repair's that never happen cause day we hit nthe car there was no visable damage but when we got the photo there were dent's a scratch's. After trying to organise a payment plan for the excess for injuries's that we werr told didn;t even have to total $500 fo them to force us to pay 500 I just lost it compleatly for the first time ever. As i ran out the house i knock over thing i felt wouldn't brack and then when i got out side i was angry that i was too scared to even brack anything and then i was angry that I did it the cycle continued in my head I got into bed and after that day i found it hard to get out of bed to be the mother my kids needed. I got help and was put back on zoloft. I was on zoloft for a year and in that year i dont know how servived with the little amount of money we had after loosing out job's. We lived on milk ceral and sandwich and potatoe meal i didn't eat meat at all i safe the money for the kids to eat and I then had to be treated for extreamly low iron level's I had fatigue really bad. life got better with time my mum help us with food as well for the kids but i never ask her for anything for me. i had everyone around me i didn't deserve my kids and i should have never gotten in to debt but most of the debt was bad luck we could afford insurance on the car and my mumkeep bye thing for me and telling me to her pay her back peopke keep telling me I owed more to them that really did. I had not energy to fight them ansd stand up for my self . Are car was heap and keep having to be repaird. you name it it happen to us in the year leading up to the year I wish I could forget. We had a companuy go bust after paying for something and we never saw a cent back or the product. It was bad luck and being young that didn't help. Life is good now. But I still panic about loosing control.
I think you proved yesterday that you have learnt better coping and managing skills that you gave yourself credit for...
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
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