New, don't know how long I can carry on like this :o(

[carried]

Hi all,

I've been lurking for a while, but things are getting so bad now that I just need to join you and get some reassurance from people who understand what I'm going through.

I'm 30 years old, happily married and have a fab 3 year old son. I had post-natal depression after his birth, which has slowly morphed into HA. Ever since my son was born I've been obsessed that I've got some terminal disase and he's going to grow up without a mum, or I'll become disabled and won't be able to bring him up.

For 3 years now every doctor I've seen has said that all of my problems are anxiety-related, although I've never had any tests. I've been on Citalopram on various doses since my diagnosis and am now back up to 60mg. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to convince myself that it's nothing and it's really starting to affect family life. Symptoms I've had/got are (front head to toe!):

One-sided headaches
Blurry vision in one eye
Spaced-out feelings
Tongue/mouth pain
Dry mouth
Sore throat
Rib/chest pain
Breast pain/lumps (doc said hormone-related)
Stiff neck/shoulders and upper back
Joint aches (fingers, wrist, elbow, hips, knees and ankles)
Mid-back aches
Lower back and sacroilliac (sp?) pain (doc says sciatica)
IBS (knew I had that already)
Feels like my bones are aching, esp shins and arms
Muscle aches
Pins and needles in hands/feet
Nausea, most of the day until dinner time
Total fatigue, from the minute I wake tillI go to bed
Loss of apetite, have lost 2 stone in 13 weeks

I'm sure there are many more but there are so many I can't keep up with them all.

I can justify all the muscle aches and nausea in my head with anxiety but not the stiff and achey joints.

At the moment my evil head is telling me I've got MS, bone cancer, rheumatoid arthritis (V convinced about this, due to all the joint pain), Lymphoma or Leukaemia.

I can't be a proper mum to my son as I just haven't got the energy to deal with him and feel sick all the time. He knows something's the matter as he's always telling people mummy's sick. I'm at my wit's end and can't see an end to it.

Please respond, even to just tell me I'm going mad, sat here, at work, in tears!!

Carrie x

[gypsywomen]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: hello no your not going mad if you were all the people on this site would be as we all have same symtoms at diff times.... its anxciety its an awful illness...matbe you need to change your meds have a word with your docter...i feel for you with a youn child must be hard..i think you have come tothe right site ,,,i find if i put music on i concntrate on that ,,, love margaret god bless

[Fran74]

Hello Carrie,
you r not mad but i can also tell you that a lot of your symptoms seems to be anxiety related ...i am sureyou will find lots of help here so stop crying and start smiling-:) i suffer from anxiety and because i am always worried i tend to not relax my muscles for example ..i dont breath properly thetefore i feel dizzy i have stiff neck ...cant seem to be able to swallow sometimes etc etc .. So be positive and try and relax
take care
F

[PanicOver!!]

Hi Carrie

I have had most of your symptoms at some time or other (except the breast ones thankfully as i am a male)

Best wishes

[Cell block H fan]

Oh hunny, it sucks big time doesn't it. I am always stressing that my kids will have to grow up without me. Mine are 14 & 12, & I have had loads of dreams about it recently. I am a single parent too, so when I sometimes think about having a heart attack in my sleep & my daughter finding me dead, it is awful! Very negative & pointless thinking. I had HA before my first child was born, then it went on to being anxious about his health! To the point where I had a special monitor that sounded an alarm if he stopped breathing. Needless to say it kept going off, I called the doc out & she told me the monitor is rubbish & I need to get rid! I had a normal monitor in his room til he was past 4! And I woke even when he turned over in his cot! Thats insane.
All those symptoms you have listed I can explain away to you, but its easy for me because I'm not you!
Do you know what triggered the HA? I know what triggered mine. I thought only old people got cancer, & that was when I was 18! I hadn't had anyone close die, when my father in law died of cancer at 57, when I was 21, reality hit & I started suffering HA & its never gone away completely since. It didn't help that at the time I ended up with I.B.S but I didn't know that at the time, I thought I had cervical cancer because I had an abnormal smear test, then had to have treatment for it! I had a letter in the post from the docs saying it was abnormal & it was my first test. I think thats wrong to tell women in that way! So it was all bad timing really.
Ive had all the stmptoms you've had, & more. And most of the time they have gone away eventually with me never finding out what they actually are/were. I cant think of one ailment I haven't had at some point or the other. And usually most of them more than once over the years.
I went to counselling years ago. It didn't work & seemed to send me the other way..of not wanting to go to the doctor, almost being scared to! (in my early 20's I was there every week, sometimes more than once)
I was given Citolpra....sorry cant spell it, years ago, but the side affects were so bad I stopped them after a couple of days. The only thing thats ever calmed me down enough to break the cycle of.. worrying about symptoms..making them worse...worrying more about them...making them much worse! is Diazapam. Literally one 10mg tablet stopped all the Lump sensation under the arm pit, numb feeling breast meaning I have breast cancer, red hot poker pain on the left hand side meaning ovarian cancer or bowel cancer. Etc etc etc.
The other thing that made it all worse was PMT. Is there any way you could suffer from this? It started in my early thirties, & exagerated any worries about my health I had at the time. To the point where I was on another planet & almost suicidal! Always in tears. Thats when they gave me the Diazapam. But only 10 tablets at a time as they are quite addictive if you take them for more than say, 5 days on the go. I have only ever taken about 20 in my whole life over the years though.
You're not going mad, you're suffering from HA, & its very real, & extremely exausting! Hense you feeling tired/teary & tense 24/7.
Ive been sent to a specialist before & put on Beta blockers due to being convinced I had something terminal. And its only as the years have gone on I have learnt the power of the mind. I just need to master how to get control of it! Thats the hardest part, that bit I haven't got yet. I'm 38 by the way.
Sorry, that was all a bit of a mission to read.
Just hate to think of anyone getting themselves in a state, because I have been there myself so many times, & it is pants!

[freudian nightmare]

Hello carrie,
Sorry to hear you're feeling so low, anxiety can cause so many symptoms and everyone is different so we don't all experience exactly the same feelings. I haven't had the joint pain but i have had most of the other things you've listed, but as margaret said it could be a side effect of the meds you're on so you may just need to mention it next time you see the dr. Have you tried a good omega oil which could help with your joint pain and can also be good for hormonal problems which can also cause some of the symptoms you describe. Try not too worry too much though which i know is easier said than done but i'm sure you'll be fine, just remember that there's others who understand and you're not on you're own although sometimes it feels that way. Take care x :)

[Cell block H fan]

Hello carrie,
Sorry to hear you're feeling so low, anxiety can cause so many symptoms and everyone is different so we don't all experience exactly the same feelings. I haven't had the joint pain but i have had most of the other things you've listed, but as margaret said it could be a side effect of the meds you're on so you may just need to mention it next time you see the dr. Have you tried a good omega oil which could help with your joint pain and can also be good for hormonal problems which can also cause some of the symptoms you describe. Try not too worry too much though which i know is easier said than done but i'm sure you'll be fine, just remember that there's others who understand and you're not on you're own although sometimes it feels that way. Take care x :)

You're right, you do feel like you're on your own. I look at people at work & think they dont worry about anything. But they might be thinking the same thing as me! You just dont know what people go through, I certainly dont go mentioning anything about this anywhere but here, & to my sister, who has HA too. Maybe its a family thing!

[freudian nightmare]

Yes it can be a very lonely illness as many are not willing to discuss it with others, unfortunately there is still a stigma attached to depression and anxiety even though 1in4 will or has had either. My sister has depression and i don't feel i can even talk to her about it-sad i know, and yes i do think it can run in families as other members of my family also suffer with anx/dep. I recently found out a few girls at work suffer from anx/dep and to look at them i would never have guessed, just goes to show doesn't it.

[carried]

Thanks all for your replies.

I've been on Citalopram since the start so I don't think that the joint pain is a side effect as it's only fairly recent (probably started as soon as I started reading about rheumatoid arthritis!), although mega digestion definitely is, and I've been on Omeprazole from time to time and had a endoscopy.

You're so right that it's a lonely illness, there are no marks or bruises for anyone to see, mental torment is invisable.

Luckily my husband is quite supportive, I took him to see the doctor and as soon as the doctor gave what I'm suffering from a 'name', hubby went home, Googled it (Oh to be sane enough to be able to do things like that!!) and now understands that it's not something I can just 'put to the back of my mind'.

[Tangerine Man]

Lonliness and crying at your desk at work I can relate to along with may of your other symptoms.

The problem with depression is there is no external bandage so we all become fab actors around others and they do not appreciate the internal torment we are going through. This a a shame as some 15% of people suffer at any one point in time adn over a whole lifetime you have a 25% chance of suffering from it at one point in time or another.

Thankfully this site prevent the Victoraian stigma of depression from being a lonley illness in 2009 quite as much.

[joll]

I know how it feels I have been not myself for the last few mths sore bones and joints so I am stressing it's something bad as I do I have been for blood test and the came back good apart from low thiroid maybe have that tested. I am so the same I always stress that I am going to die from cancer and leave my darling kids and this first stated after my first one was born I now have four and it's even worse. I think your so stressed out that it's causing all this. I am the same it's sucks and takes over your life I understand don't worry

[AnxiousMummy]

Id just like to say i have exactly the same as you and i had my little boy 9 weeks ago cant really offer much explanation other than i know what you goin through pm me if you ever want to chat x

[tobyjug01]

Hi ya. Every symptom you have said is classic anxiety. I have had most of these. I convinced myself that I had MS,Ive been to see four doctors and they have each said there is nothing to worry about (easier said than done). My last doctor finally asked went through a few things with me and refered me for CBT. He also gave me two websites to go on which are all free and are CBT online courses they are living life to the full and mood gym. Have a look and see what you think,follow some of the simple exersices and feel the difference.

Its hard to overcome but you can do it,trust in yourself and try to remain calm,dont get me wrong im having a wobbley spell at the moment but it doesnt last as long now. The main thing is you are not alone,we are all here for you. Give it ago you will be amazed what you can do. PM me anytime you want,even just to let off steam.:yesyes: