P.T.S.D - Some advice please

[craigonportland]

I am new to this forum and having been looking to speak to others who can relate to my experiences....so here goes.

I have been diagnosed with P.T.S.D. I served in the South African Police for over ten years before relocating to England in 1999. Last year a close family memeber was murdered (in SA) which seams to have triggered my ptsd. I have flashbacks about things I experienced in the police and become overwellmed with anxiety, guilt, anger , fear to name but a few of the emotions.
I am currently off work as the environment I work in is 'crime' related and makes me feel worse. I get physically ill just thinking about going into work. My mood swings are terrible and my poor family bear the brunt of it! I avoid going out, places with crowds, meeting new people...all because I fear flashbacks and mood swings.

I feel that people, (employer mostly) think it is all in my head and should just get over it. I have considered suicide but havn't spoken to anyone about this as I see it as me being weak! To top it off my work is looking at sacking me for medical inafficiency!!

What do I do, who can help? If I do loose my job will I get help in terms of benefits? I feel that I cannot cope with these additional worries anmd it would be easier to simply give up!

Sorry for such a long post...gotta get it off my chest! I promise they will be shorter from now onwards.

[freudian nightmare]

Hello,
Sorry to hear what you've been through and how unsupported you feel, there are others on the site who have had similar experiences to you-you'll find their threads below this one or under ptsd. I haven't suffered ptsd but i have recently experienced a traumatic experience and i can relate to your feeling hopeless and helpless and feeling unable to cope with life, it's a horrible feeling and just having others who understand to talk to can be a great help. Have you spoken to you gp, perhaps counselling or cbt would help you to cope better with your stress and anxiety, i know it has helped others on here so ask your dr for a referral. Surely your employer is obliged to support you at such a difficult time though i know it doesn't always work that way but perhaps if you speak to someone higher up they might take your concerns more seriously. It's shocking to me how little help ones get with such serious problems and upsetting experiences as yours, i'm sure you'll find ones on here more willing to help. Take care and best wishes x

[craigonportland]

Thanks for the advice. I have seen my GP and am currently getting cbt from a counsillor( since February). I just feel like I take two steps forward and then three back!

Without going into too much detail, some of the things I went through in the police were horrific and traumatic. Ten years of recovering bodies, suicides, murders,rapes, child killings, accidents and being shot at have all come flooding back at once.

My wife and kids are getting the short end of the deal in terms of my angry outburst and bad moods....and it is simply not fair, but I simply cannot physically control it although I recognise that i'm doing it!!!. I am on medication which are supposed to control the moods but they appear to be getting less and less effective as the days pass!

Losing my job is just another 'nail in the coffin'! How will I pay rent, bills etc? How do you answer these questions when you can't even face tomorrow?

WHO KNOWS?????:weep:

[freudian nightmare]

Hello again,
I couldn't imagine the horrendous things you've seen while in the police force, i personally would not cope like you it would play on my mind. I don't think anyone who was exposed to these things on a daily basis would not be affected it just shows you're human. As for your family i know you feel guilty but i'm sure if you spoke to them about how you're feeling they would understand and try to support you through it, tell them how much you would value their patience at this time and try not to beat yourself up so much you are not reacting this way by choice none of us do. You may need to ask your dr to up your dose of meds they just may not be strong enough for you or the right one. Try not to worry about things too much i know it's easier said than done but you will get help while out of work i can't see why not especially as you have a family to support, you just may need to look into it a bit further. Take care :D

[Lynnann]

Hi craigonportland,

You need to concentrate on getting well PTSD is a difficult condition for you and your family to live with. Spend some time with your wife showing her information about PTSD it will help her to feel less isolated as your condition will affect both of you and her support will be invaluable to your recovery.

have a look at this site; their information packs are a very good source of information:

http://www.assisttraumacare.org.uk/information-pack

As to the financial implications that are causing you so much worry; you will recieve financial help if you find yourself unemployed; make an appointmant at your local citizens advice and they can go through which benefits you will be entitled to and they will assist you in applying for them.

Take care of yourself you have been through enough, take some time to recover and be kind to yourself.

Lynnann:flowers:

[craigonportland]

Thanks for that. It is helpful knowing that there are some people who understand.
I am not putting them down, but it feels like my GP and other local GP's havn't got a clue how to help me! I ahve been given meds and see a counsillor every couple of weeks. This has been the case since January and I don't feel that i've made any progress, in fact sometimes I feel worse than before!

Lately I have been experiencing deep feelings of guilt and anxiety. I have thoughts and flashbacks of things I could have stopped or changed whilst in the police. Most people know the history of south africa, but don't realise that as an 18 year old conscripted in to the police in the late 1980's I had no choice but to follow orders. I sometimes feel that I don't deserve to be alive!!!!

I am ranting again, sorry. I just feel like I am in a dark place and alone!!!

[Lynnann]

Hi Craig,

You are not alone you are a member of NMP; I know the dark place well although I don't travel there so often now. There are other treatments that can help you in your recovery besides counselling and drug treatments.

Have a look at this thread;
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=50687

I would also look into CBT, have a chat with your GP about it at your next appointment. We all have things in our past that we wish we could change and you definately deserve to be alive. We can't change the past all we can do is try to look to the future and know that we are older and wiser from our ordeals.

There is light at the end of the tunnel :)

Lynnann:flowers:

[ijustagirl]

hi craig, sorry to here about your pts... i to suffer from this after a serious rta as a pillon on a bike..mine seems nothing compared to what you have gone through..my heart goes out to you... anyway ive tryed so many meds and nothing has really helped , until today... ive been given a drug called stelazine for really bad anxiety for pts..used in small dosage they say it helps..i havent had a flash back for 6hrs and this is a great sign... maybe ask doc if this could help you.

[craigonportland]

Thanks I will mention that.
Seen my counsillor earlier today and she has refered me to a phyciatrist and recommended that GP changes my medication. Can't remember the names of the meds but she has notified my GP. I think that she has also realised that 8 months of CBT has not been enough! I will let you know how I get on.

Thanks to everyone for the continued support and advice, it is really invaluable.:yesyes:

[annette1]

Hi craigonportland

I'm sorry to read how difficult things are for you. My ptsd was diagnosed a year ago, in the previous 6 mths i'd had 2weekly sessions for CBT with a counsellor but felt i just wasn't getting to the real cause of my anxiety.
After discussion this my GP she felt it was time I saw a psychologist as at the time I was refusing meds. The mental health provision in my area is poor with long waiting lists so she suggested I go private. Having found a ptsd clinic run by psychiatrists & psychologist s & checking out their qualification I made an appointment with the psychologist & to be honest with you just hoped for the best, I just wanted some proper help.

Well, its turned out for the best. At first it was really hard for me to open up to her but as soon as I did I realised I could trust her not to laugh at me or make me feel my problems were all imagined. When she confirmed my diagnosis it was such a relief!

It has been the most incredible journey, she has taught me to feel & express my emotions-some of which I never have felt or were too afraid to feel. We have taken an eclectic approach to help me using talking therapies, EMDR & exposure therapy. I feel having weekly appointments has made a huge difference, we have been able to discuss any problems I've encounter & work intensively. She has also been willing for me to ring or email her when I have needed to for her to get me back on the right track. Its taken a lot of hard work & dedication to my recovery to get through it, with it sometimes feeling that therapy was making my symptoms worse. Bit by bit over the last eight weeks i've felt that life is worth living again. After 18 mths off sick I'm now back at work teaching full time & my symptoms have less impact on my life.

I hope that helps you Craig, I'm sure that at the moment life feels like hell & I fully understand why. Hang on in there & from somewhere you'll find the strength to fight your way out. Please remember that we're all here to help you so keep posting!

Annette