Hi there, please help

[Lauraa99]

Hey guys, new to this site so thought I'd drop by and leave a message and try and explain what im going through...

Up until Novemeber 2008 last year I was fine (normal as i say now)
I was in a shopping centre with my dad, browsing and shopping, we decided to go for lunch. I sat down in an indoor cafe and all of a sudden I started panicking, I knew it was a panic attack as ive had a few of them since being bullied at school when I was younger... but this was different, I cudnt stop fidgeting and my heart was getting faster and faster and hurting me physically, I was looking around me and i shouted for the waitress to bring me water (i must have looked a right idiot) ... My dad asked me what was wrong, i cudnt answer him, I just knew i needed to get to the car and out of this place, but my legs were like jelly, i cudnt stand I was shaking so bad and hyperventilating. I asked dad to bring the car to the door of the shopping centre but he didnt as he didnt understand what the rush was. Eventually i grabbed the car keys and I ran to the car myself and laid the front seat back and tried to shut my eyes but it got worse and worse....


Ever since that day in November 2008 my life has been hell! I have never been able to hold a job down since that day, I cant go out shopping with friends or family, I avoid resturants, I cant sleep over at friends houses.. my life is a disaster.

I have seen doctor after doctor, councellor after councellor in a year and not one of them helped me, they say panic is all the mind.. which, i agree but my god if they were in my shoes and feel what i feel when i have a panic attack im sure they wudnt be saying half of this s**t to me. I have every book u can think of do with anxiety... I read them but my physical symptoms r not going away.

I can go out one night a week, locally to my local town with friends, and i get very drunk. I think it relaxes me. Ask me to go bk to town the next day sober.. i cant do it!

I cant stand it anymore, I have cut off everything in my life, if i open the front door i panic and shut it, i cnt even see my friends for an hour in their car or in a coffee shop as i think so negative...

An example of what im feeling, today i was meant to go shopping with 2 friends for a birthday party i have on saturday... They asked me to come with them to Middlesbrough, straight away... my thoughts 's**t what if i cant get out the car coz my legs r like jelly and dont want to walk'.. 'what if when we get to this shopping centre i have the same expreience i did a year ago and need to run out but i cant coz its my friends car and i cant come home when i want to'... 'what if wen i get there.. i feel ok.. but then i walk round and as i start thinking about my anxiety il have a massive panic attack and feel so ill and like im going to faint'
I chickened out of today.. my friends have gone and im stuck at home. I cant even go shopping with them.

I am in serious need of help. I went to the doctors again yesterday, he pt me on more antidepressants but i am not taking them, i dont want to become needy on them and be addicted. I just want this pain in my chest to go. I am fed up of hurting and feeling like every day i am going to die.

Please help xxx:weep:


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[PanicOver!!]

Sorry your going through a bad time
your thoughts and experiences are common for anxiety
i was where you are some time ago and the only way i have been able to get over my fears is to go one step at a time
like if you are due to go shopping with your friends, reasure yourself you are in control and can come home anytime, even if you only get to the car and have to come back home that is a start, try in small steps and gradually build up, i have managed to almost get back to normal using this technique im sure it could help you,

never give up trying and you can beat it x

[Lauraa99]

Thankyou for ur advice. It seems so dead end to me, like i have no life...
I wish some of the ppl i have come across in my life who i dont like and have hurt me for whatever reason, can suffer thisthing instead of me. it always happens to the good people. xxx

[Fran74]

Hello Laura I am so sorry to hear what you feeling but trust me I know as had few panick attacks felt i was going to go crazy and like u that urge of instantly leaving the place where the panic striked with a feeling of a not knowing where to escape ...i have been helped by therapists and medications as well ...i understand you have been unlucky with the therapist you have found but i am sure you will find one that will help ..and also if you dont feel very well tablets help although is a choice and I understand where you r coming from
get well soon ..if u ever need to talk just say
take care
F

[Lauraa99]

Thankyou Fran means alot.
Yeah not had much luck with therapists, i actually asked my doctor the other day if he can advise me of one, my mum was sat in the room with us and he just laughed at me. Im fed up of not having anyhere to turn to.
Yes iv felt suicidal. i feel theres no way out, why do i have to live with this the rest of my life.. its worse than any other illness. xxx

[Lizzy73]

Hi,

with the right treatment and support you will be able to recover from the feelings you have at the moment. I can remember feeling just this way back in 2002 and refusing to leave the house just in case I had a panic attack. The key to me was a great psychiatrist, a CBT course and supportive family and friends. In the early days I would have an agreement that I would go to the supermarket with someone and aim to buy one item. If I achieved it (and I did) the next time I tried to stay longer. I always had what I called my 'opt out clause', that being the means to leave and get home whenever I wanted and a promise from whoever I was with that it would be ok to leave. It was not so much that I did want to leave, I just needed to know that I could as soon as I wanted.
It is hard and its very scary and I too hate panic attacks but you will always be ok. There is a good website called Moonjuice (run by NHS Scotland) that has some literature about Panic and Anxiety that I found helpful very recently.

:flowers:

[Lauraa99]

Thankyou lizzie. It means alot.
I am the same, i need to know if i go the shops to buy something or even to sign on the dole (which i do fortnightly) that someone is with me and if i need to get out i can. Its hard trying to take them first steps tho, i live in a small village and getting on the bus to the next town is very hard but on days when i need to sign on i HAVE to go, i get so physically ill. I was on ESA (employment support allowance) but they took me off it as they say my anxiety was not a genuine enough reason for being off work!! Its horrible how they dont understand and dont even want to xxx:mad:

[Alicat]

Hi Laura,

It's terrible that your GP laughed at you!! :ohmy: It's disgraceful. People who haven't experienced anxiety have nooooo idea!

I can understand how you feel about the medication but I think it might help you just make the first steps towards feeling better. If you can get rid of some of the symptoms, you might have more luck getting to the bottom of your anxiety. Also, I'd keep perservering to find a therapist that suits you. Mine has helped me so much.

Good luck!

[MrsCluggy]

Hi Laura,

YOU ARE NOT ON YOUR OWN. I have felt exactly the same as you for this past week. I have used excuse after excuse to get me out of social events because I just cannot handle the anxiety I feel when I leave the house. I tried my hardest today. It sort of came to a head. I wanted to go to my local shopping Mall. A place I have been to 1000 times with no worries. I got in the car. My stomach was churning, I had butterflies, I couldn't concentrate, but I forced myself to drive there. It's literally a 15 min. drive from my house. I made the first 5 mins. then got stuck at traffic lights. Suddenly, DREAD descended on me like a black heavy blanket. All I could think was "get home now, get home now". I needed to feel safe. I was so afraid. I turned the car around and drove home. I got back home, thoroughly dejected and feeling a complete failure. So, I gave it an hour, then got back in the car and tried to do it again. This time I managed to get to the Mall, but I couldn't park the car. The dread had returned. So, back around the roundabout and off to the safety of my home.
It took all my strength after that to get to my childrens' school to pick them up at 3.30pm. I just wanted my bed and duvet. My safe place.
Anyway, I managed to come home, but then my husband phoned on his way back from work, and asked if I would like to go to the shopping mall to do a bit of evening shopping !!! I tell you, my stomach flipped over like a dead fish, I had butterflies, I started shaking, I just said "no" - and now, he is sulking upstairs, watching the football and not talking to me. He knows I have panic attacks and anxiety attacks and he knows that I avoid everything, and I think he has just got sick of it. So, with everything else that has happened to me, I now have the guilt trip from my husband to deal with.
I am going back to my GP on Thursday evening to review my meds. I currently take Mirtazapine (antidepressant) and it's not working for me anymore.
It's a personal choice as to whether you want to go down the road of tablets and medicines etc. but I always think of my nervous problem and anxiety as the equivalent of an open wound. It's needs treating properly in order for it to get better.
I've never ever been able to explain to anyone just how horrible this feeling is, and to have it constantly from the moment I open my eyes to the minute I collapse from exhaustion at the end of a very nervous day.
My trouble is, I hide it from everyone. On the outside I try to appear 'normal', not a care in the world, when on the inside I am screaming like a banshee.
I need to unload this burden and start telling people that I suffer with 'bad nerves' and panic disorder. I am sure that once I tell people, I won't feel so exhausted at all of this pretending.
I don't really like to offer advice because everyone is different at how they recover etc. but I would say to you go out of your house every day, even if it just means walking to the top of your road, to your local shop, small journeys where you know you can get back if you want to. Let your confidence grow with each step. You will get days when you can't manage anything at all - this is absolutely fine. You will have a better day the next day. Small steps, little journeys. Forget the car and the bus for now, just get used to being outside walking little journeys knowing that you are okay, nothing can harm you. You will know when you are ready to take the next step.
Accept that you are not well. You need help. Also accept that you will get better.
I hang on to that thought every single day - I WILL GET BETTER.
WE WILL ALL GET BETTER.
It just takes time. Allow yourself this time and you will soon be back shopping with your mates, hopping on and off buses - back to normal !
Take care, chickie.

[Lauraa99]

Thankyou guys for all ur advice n for listening. Really does mean alot. I am still no nearer to getting out the house but i will do...one day! I am glad i have this website as a kind of reassurance...

Mrs Cluggy, i totally feel for u. All last night i was worked up, about signing on the bloody dole today, I had to do it at 2pm tho i didnt wanna think about it, but my panic was there with me all night last night, I called the job centre first thing this morning and they told me there was no way around it and that i had to be 'actively seeking work' i managed to get on the bus but i cudnt do it. Im probably going to lose out on my money now and i feel so ashamed but my head was like 'get home noe ur safe there' I am sooo fed up!!! Everyday is passin me by and i live in a horrible small village with no shop, no1 friendly, and i dont see any future in my life at all. This 'thing' in me is awful and its not going to stop anytime soon. Im losing faith in everything :( xxx

[Lauraa99]

I still dont feel any better... one week in the house now, stayed in bed, im so sad :( xxxx

[Maj]

Although you say you've read every book and nothing helps, you haven't ACCEPTED what the book explains and seem to be fighting and struggling your way through this. You will never recover this way. This just creates more anxiety and unhappiness. Also, no-one likes to take meds but if you feel as bad as you seem to be then please try and see if they help you. What can you lose? Take advice from everyone on here, many who have felt as bad as you. Take meds if prescribed. Take advice from the books. Accept you are very low and anxious. Eventually you will see light at the end of the tunnel. The only way is up - you don't have to feel like this with the right treatment.
Take care
Myra:hugs: