Joellie
23-09-09, 21:37
Eugh ive had a really bad evening.
Today i started college again and went to the docs about my problem and he said i have GAD and he prescribed me 80mg Bedranol (Propranolol Hydrochloride) but im worried as this is mainly for anxiety SYMPTOMS like heart palpatations and shakes. I dont get this i just get awful feelings about my boyfriend that try to make me think im not happy with him when i am and then i get so guilty about it after and so obsessed with thinking about it just end up in tears.
I was out to dinner tonight with my mum when i randomly got it again. My mum said something about a male friend i have (hes like a brother, hes my dads girlfriends son) and was like "so you like him like a brother?" and i was like "yes" because obviously! I dont fancy him, i dont like him like that, hes just like my cousin or my friends from college. But that was it,i started getting the horrible feeling in my stomach, the overwhelming unhappiness and i kept thinking "Am i happy?" "what if i do like him" as in the friend :S and then after i calmed down a little bit i realised, i dont liek him like that, i love my boyfriend and it was just the anxiety looking for something to worry about.
But that ruined my evening and i kept thinking about my boyfriend "Do i love him" of course i do, "Are we going to last" we will, "What if we get to 40 and want something or someone else" and the truth is i dont know, no one does. But I broke down to my mum after dropping my sister home as iw as going back to hers to help her with something on the computer and just told her how i feel about my boyfriend. I feel so bad because it seems to him like im going off him when im not im just trying to work through this and keep sane!
But that was really hard for me, my mum reassured me that everyone has doubts and that i cant look at the future and think that at 40 we will want something or someone else. Im just hooked up on my dad cheating on my mum which has just given me this horrible sence of history repeating. Im scared I'LL do that to the one i love and that for me makes me feel like a bad person and it hasnt even happend (and i plan that it never will) We talked about what love is. And i know butterflies are the meeting someone new feeling you get when you find someone you are going to love and its been about 3 years since i felt that, and obviously its not with me anymore. I care about my boyfriend so much, i dont want to hurt him, i want to be with him and i crave his company tonight but these horrible anxiety thoughts are telling me "Well are you happy with him?" "Do you still love him?" all because i cant feel the butterflies. Love isnt a feeling thats physical fo rme anymore but i still know i do love him, other wise i wouldnt be happy with him and would welcome these horrible thoughts.
Im too afriad to express all these bad thoughts to him incase he gets the wrong idea and gets upset or mad. I feel guilty about feeling them because i dont want to and im very afriad that my mind has used anxiety as an excuse to "feel"these things. I just dont trust me anymore.
IM so sick of this, Il give these meds a week like the dr said but tonight im drained and tired and i dont want to feel this way anymore. I feel the only way to win this is to not give up on nick because he loves me and i love him and it seems something doesnt want us to be together.
Sorry this is so long, i needed to rant, im just tired
Today i started college again and went to the docs about my problem and he said i have GAD and he prescribed me 80mg Bedranol (Propranolol Hydrochloride) but im worried as this is mainly for anxiety SYMPTOMS like heart palpatations and shakes. I dont get this i just get awful feelings about my boyfriend that try to make me think im not happy with him when i am and then i get so guilty about it after and so obsessed with thinking about it just end up in tears.
I was out to dinner tonight with my mum when i randomly got it again. My mum said something about a male friend i have (hes like a brother, hes my dads girlfriends son) and was like "so you like him like a brother?" and i was like "yes" because obviously! I dont fancy him, i dont like him like that, hes just like my cousin or my friends from college. But that was it,i started getting the horrible feeling in my stomach, the overwhelming unhappiness and i kept thinking "Am i happy?" "what if i do like him" as in the friend :S and then after i calmed down a little bit i realised, i dont liek him like that, i love my boyfriend and it was just the anxiety looking for something to worry about.
But that ruined my evening and i kept thinking about my boyfriend "Do i love him" of course i do, "Are we going to last" we will, "What if we get to 40 and want something or someone else" and the truth is i dont know, no one does. But I broke down to my mum after dropping my sister home as iw as going back to hers to help her with something on the computer and just told her how i feel about my boyfriend. I feel so bad because it seems to him like im going off him when im not im just trying to work through this and keep sane!
But that was really hard for me, my mum reassured me that everyone has doubts and that i cant look at the future and think that at 40 we will want something or someone else. Im just hooked up on my dad cheating on my mum which has just given me this horrible sence of history repeating. Im scared I'LL do that to the one i love and that for me makes me feel like a bad person and it hasnt even happend (and i plan that it never will) We talked about what love is. And i know butterflies are the meeting someone new feeling you get when you find someone you are going to love and its been about 3 years since i felt that, and obviously its not with me anymore. I care about my boyfriend so much, i dont want to hurt him, i want to be with him and i crave his company tonight but these horrible anxiety thoughts are telling me "Well are you happy with him?" "Do you still love him?" all because i cant feel the butterflies. Love isnt a feeling thats physical fo rme anymore but i still know i do love him, other wise i wouldnt be happy with him and would welcome these horrible thoughts.
Im too afriad to express all these bad thoughts to him incase he gets the wrong idea and gets upset or mad. I feel guilty about feeling them because i dont want to and im very afriad that my mind has used anxiety as an excuse to "feel"these things. I just dont trust me anymore.
IM so sick of this, Il give these meds a week like the dr said but tonight im drained and tired and i dont want to feel this way anymore. I feel the only way to win this is to not give up on nick because he loves me and i love him and it seems something doesnt want us to be together.
Sorry this is so long, i needed to rant, im just tired