View Full Version : Really Worried !!
Hi,
I'm sure that I am not the only one to think like this, but I truly think that I am having a nervous breakdown. I am currently taking Mirtazapine for anxiety and stress 15mg. I was only prescribed to take one per day, but I have had to resort to taking 2 per day because I am so nervous.
I am now bordering on agoraphobia. I hate leaving the house, because I am so nervous that I need to keep going to the toilet. Have been diagnosed with IBS recently and have to take 6 Imodium to keep that at bay.
I am finding taking my children to school a real problem. It's only a 5 minute journey but I feel worse first thing in the morning and I always have to go to the toilet at the school when I get there because I urgently need to empty my bowels.
It is so annoying, it's frustrating, and it's draining me terribly. I feel emotionally drained, I am tired all the time, but I am trying to put on a huge brave face in front of my kids because I don't want their friends to stop coming to the house to play because they think their mother is a nut job !
I have a supportive husband, but I don't know how much longer I can lean on him. He worries for me when we are out because I keep having panic attacks and need to rush home.
To say that I am desparate is an understatement. I am also afraid because my mother has had two nervous breakdowns in the past and I am worried that my condition could be genetic.
I want my old self back. I was so confident, I could travel anywhere, not have a care in the world and be full of life. To a certain extent, and to the outside world, I am still like that, but behind the scenes, as soon as I return home from a function I rush to my bedroom, put my PJ's on and I sit and cry because of the amount of effort it has taken me to stay 'sane' for the couple of hours I have been socializing.
I have had CBT for my panic attacks, but I feel that after 5 years of being on my medication, I am back to how I was at the very beginning. Scared to leave the house, scared to socialise, dreading the moment when my husband wants to go out shopping or just for a drive. Those four words are torture for me. My stomach turns over, I feel sick, and I just have the constant thought running through my head "I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it".
It is torture. I feel weak, pathetic and worried to death.
Anyone, please help me. Words of advice, let me know that everything will be okay and that I am not heading on a downward spiral.
I am going to make an appointment with my GP for this week, but I am even dreading this, because if he can't help me, I will just crumble into a heap right in front of him and I have visions of ambulances, hospitals. My mind is just racing.
Please help me somebody.
omg im all those u just described..im a 41 yr old male...i cant even get to the docs..its all a dreadfull state to be in !!..i wake early with those thoughts.3 am 4 am 5 am cant sleep or rest properly...really stressed all the time..things will and do get better tho ..
Hey, I think prehaps agrophobia may be worse than you thougth in your case. Not sure how to help but i feel the same about the docs, my meds arent working i think im getting worse with my anxiety as now im geting a knot in my stomach and feeling worried and sick without any reason!
I want my old self back. I was so confident, I could travel anywhere, not have a care in the world and be full of life.
I've looked at a few of your old posts but I can't see a full picture. What do you think happened recently to cause you to feel so ill again? Was it over a period of time due to excess stress or did something happen suddenly that frightened you badly?
Whatever the cause though, it has sparked a cycle of fear which you need to break. However, because you used to feel So well, I have No doubts that you Can get back to how you used to feel once you remember how you used to "think" when you were so well.
I can remember how I used to be about going to work. The night before I would become very anxious because I knew I'd need the loo as soon as I got to work! I used to eat lots of fruit the night before in the hope of emptying myself before I left for work but it never worked! I just ended up going twice or more! I was using the wrong approach.
The cause though was really the stress I felt about going to work. I just hated the job so would feel really anxious about going to work which then triggered me needing a loo which then triggered "my fear of needing the loo" while I was out which then Also made me need the loo! It became a cycle.
Firstly, I'd say to identify what it is that has triggered your cycle. It will just help you to understand what's happened. You then need to work on your thought patterns. In your post you use the words "scared" and "I can't". You also say you have panic attacks when you're out which makes me think that something has happened to cause you to feel very stressed.
Try to find ways to ease your stresses. Take time out to practise how to stay relaxed. Don't focus on feeling scared or thinking "I can't". Practise saying to yourself "I can", "I will", "I have nothing to fear". Remember how you used to think when you were well.
When you're out, make sure you're not shallow breathing. Use distraction so that you don't focus on how you're "feeling". Make sure you relax your tummy muscles. Don't hold them tight.
You will need little steps but eventually you Will be as before. Anxiety likes to bully. It enjoys frightening us and making us tense. Don't let it because it Can't harm you.:hugs:
Hey Bill,
I honestly cannot pinpoint a moment in my recent life that has caused my panic symptoms to blow up like they have. I can only imagine that since being diagnosed with IBS-D I have had moments whilst out socially when I have not made it in time to the toilet, I have had diarroeah in my car, and on occasion I have had to pull over to poo into a plastic bag because I was no where near a toilet.
This is what I am afraid of happening whilst taking my kids to school, because no one knows that I have this disease, and I don't want my kids to be made fun of because their mother can't control her bowels.
I'm always thinking that I am being a nuisance to the school receptionist having to ask to use the toilet all the time, even though there are little kids with their mums constantly in and out of the loo !!! I worry about it on returning home, calm down a bit, then worry about it again at 3.30 when I have to pick them up.
A cycle has been formed and I cannot seem to crack it, Bill.
Courage, confidence ... they are both strangers to me at the moment. How can I make them my best friends?
If your IBS is stress-related i.e. these incidents only happen when you're feeling very anxious and stressed, you Can learn to manage it yourself because I have!:hugs: The reason I say "if" is because often our diet can play a part with IBS. If you're eating the wronf foods that irritate your tummy, you will become aware of it and so will make you feel anxious which then makes you need the loo. There's a list on NMP. Take a look and see if you're eating any of those foods listed and eliminate them from your diet.
If you can feel better in yourself, it'll ease things and courage and confidence will join you.
If your IBS is being caused by stress, as you have been doing, immodium can help but it's not ideal to always have to take them. I find the key to managing IBS is to learn how "not think about your body or feelings". Sometimes I feel anxious before I go out and I will need the loo but once I step out the door, I don't think about my tummy anymore. If while I'm out and I do become aware of my tummy, I look for distractions to stop me thinking about "me". For instance, looking at scenery, listening to the radio in the car, looking at pictures on walls, engaging in conversation etc.
However, IBS is often "stress related" so you also need to think about the things that are stressing you at moment, and not just worrying about needing a loo. I think "perhaps" that could be a symptom rather than the cause and the stress you're under is making you focus on it.
Analyse your thoughts. Other than worrying about needing a loo, what else is causing you stress at present. I know you mentioned panics but they normally occur because we're feeling stressed about something.
It could be that you were simply feeling stressed "just one day" which sparked a panic or your IBS which then triggered the cycle because you now fear it happening every time you go out...and this thinking process often makes the panics/IBS repeat themselves.
I'm Sure you will get better!:hugs:
Bill,
I really like your quote of "anxiety likes to bully". What a great way to explain it and so true. Also when you say "don't let it because it can't harm you" instantly made me feel more positive and I'm sure will help others. Thank you.
Myra:yesyes:
Thank you Myra:hugs:
I feel it's true to say that anxiety is a bully because it's always trying to stop us doing what we want and taking our lives from us by trying to frighten us but when we stand up to it and tell it to leave us alone, it does always go away because it knows then that it can't scare us through the illusions it creates.
I often think of anxiety like a ghost! :scared15: It likes to say "Boo" to frighten us but if you stand there and wait, it doesn't know what else to do or say so it evaporates into nothing. Anxiety is like that - full of bark but no bite! We only find out though if we don't run from it otherwise it'll keep chasing us until we lock ourselves away behind 4 walls but like a ghost, it can still get through the walls to make sure that not only are we too afraid to go out but also too afraid to even get out of bed or open our eyes because it's always there with us until we find the courage to tell it to get lost!!!:mad:
Often we will hear that we have to "fight" against anxiety but the term "fight" can be very misleading because when we fight it, we have to almost use "reverse psychology" to defeat it.
When we are faced with what feels a dangerous situation, we will tense ourselves up to be prepared for the battle but when we do that, the tension works in favour of anxiety. It's a ploy it uses to keep control of us because tension creates stress and stress induces panic. Panic is what anxiety wants us to feel to defeat us.
What we have to remember is to not be tricked by anxiety or allow us to fall into its hands because once we do, the hole can feel much deeper to climb out of. When anxiety does take control, that's often when we need a leg up through medication to help us see the light again.
When faced with our "bully", the key thing is to not allow ourselves to tense up because if we stay relaxed and tell it to "get lost", it Will and once it's gone, we have to remember the same method of approach, remember our stress limits and try to "forget" all about anxiety. Just like a bully, that's one thing anxiety hates - being ignored- because it thrives on attention but starves when it's not fed fear.
This is why we should never dwell or analyse worries because that's what our bully wants us to do because it then feeds off us. We have to remember to Try and ignore it and be "care free" when it knocks on the door by treating it like a salesman- "Sorry, I'm not interested" and it'll walk away.
Distraction works for this reason. We forget how we're feeling so we strve our bully of attention. It has nothing then to use against us.
If we open a cupboard door and see a spider (especially at this time of year!), just get a container, let it out the door then "forget" it was ever there because that's one thing anxiety likes to use against us- our memory. It knows that if he can put something into our minds that really scares us, we won't forget it and it then uses this "implant" against us. This is why it's important to wipe a tape clean after seeing or experiencing something frightening because that way when we go back to the situation, the spider won't always return....but if it does, just let him out and start again. Never look back- always onward and up because anxiety loves to drag us back down so it can keep us feeling low and scared so it can rule us.
I'm not just saying this- I have suffered panics in the past and I often have IBS trouble. I used to take medications and I have selfh and taken od's long ago now, and my bully is still there waiting to pounce. I just remind myself these days that it may win a battle but I'll never allow it to win the war because there is too much good in life to live for. I'll never give up trying and I hope I can at least help someone else find some happiness too because I know happiness is out there because if you look around, there is always something or someone who will make you smile when everything looks black! When I was out with the dog this evening I saw a glorious fiery sunset and it was one of natures wonders that reminds you that whenever there is a storm, the sun is always behind the clouds waiting to shine. Just as in life, terrible things are always happening but if we keep hope and belief by our side, our weapons will always help us fight our battles until we see the sun again.....so Never give in!:hugs:
This is very true....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxEkKxSO8Zo&feature=related
OK Mrs Cluggy, here i go! Firstly, IBS is not a disease. It is merely a symptom of some underlying cause. Ummm your case it's the anxiety! So get out of your head that you have a disease because that in itself will cause these symptoms! Next, you are 100% normal for someone with GAD and you can get better. I know it is so scary when you lose yourself, you feel alone and like noone else could possible be the same. It is worse when you feel you don't want to talk about it with loved ones to save them the stress which in turn leaves you more isolated! Please be assured, you are certainly not alone, your sensations are purely made from worry and you will get past this. Please go to this website www.panicaway.com (http://www.panicaway.com) and follow the links. It saved my life and i have made a huge circle of friends who all support each other. You may decide to purchase the content that i think is approx $60 US but believe me it is totally priceless!
Keep me posted hun x
My levels of anxiety havent reached what you describe is happening to you, but I understand the feeling of dread you get when a function or activity is planned. I still get those feelings but always force myself to go as I find once there I dont feel as bad as I thought and the things I thought would happen to me never have.
Sure you have had a few bad experiences which then add to the fear, but try and gradually change the I cant, I cant, I cant thinking to I can, I can, I can.
I get the upset stomach too but at times when I felt I couldnt wait any longer, I have distracted myself and this feeling has gone away. Just take it slowly. Some days I find it is easier than others.
Bill
You give such good advice. Thank You. :hugs:
You're most welcome pretty poppy.:hugs: I just wish I could do more.
I think sometimes things can become so much that we feel we just lose all the strength to fight ack and keep going. It can feel like a mountain to climb.
I always feel we should never expect too much of ourselves. we should never try and run before we've learnt to walk again. All it takes is an acorn for our confidence to gradually grow back into the oak tree it used to be but it doesn't happen overnight.
Sometimes we need to learn "patience" because too often we get frustrated and angry with ourselves which has a bad effect because it creates extra pressure and more tension which we need to avoid. Like the old saying "Patience is a virtue" so we have to learn to be kind to ourselves and give ourselves time to recover by taking one day at a time. One small achievement at a time soon renews confidence.:hugs:
Hello Bill:hugs:
Thank you for your brilliant posts once again. Reading them is helping me to remember how I should be dealing with this horrible anxiety. When things are getting out of control again I need to be told what to do over and over again. It's something for me to grab on to. It gives me hope once again. I so missed your advice when you were away from here for a while.
Just look at all the people who have posted thanking you for your help. Please know how much you are needed. I feel safer knowing you are there to listen and reassure me.
I hope you are feeling a bit more positive yourself at the moment Bill.
Thank you again.
Judy.xxx:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:
Hi hunny, you were brave to write about the poo thing. I'm exactly the same as you, the urgent rush for a poo is horrendous. Years ago my doctor told me it was IBS, and tried chopping and changing what I ate etc, and it didnt really help. Its only now that I can pinpoint the start of my anxiety and panic, and that when my daughter was born nearly 19 years ago. As my 2 older children grew up, and started to be more independent, the anxiety kind of wore off, but hovvered over my shoulder, and if I was getting stressed, it would be back again, albeit less intensly.
I had a little boy 5 and a half years ago, and bingo, it was back again.
You just have to find coping strategies I think, like always taking clean undies, and a pair of spare trousers with you (and wetwipes!!!) At least you know you can sort yourself out, and no-one need know.
Its blinking horrible, and not a nice subject really, but its managable. (easy to say I know) What would we do without immodium? But try not to rely on them, as they can make your bowel quite lazy I think.
I would be completey up front with the staff possibly, and if its a woman, maybe have a quiet word. If its a bloke tell him its 'womens things' thats usually enough information for them to be running for cover!! Hope you are ok, and you most certainly arent on your own.:hugs:
Pxx
Thanks Peggy27, It's nice, in a way, to know that I am not on my own. I feel like I am on my own, especially today. I have had a rotten day, not with my IBS but with trying to suppress a panic attack. I am exhausted. It took all of my strength to go to the school and pick up my sons. I really didn't want to be around people today, but inevitably I ended up speaking to loads of mums and putting on such a front, but inside I was crying and screaming.
I managed to get home to 'safety'.
All day I have been trying to test my strength by getting in my car and trying to drive to my local shopping mall (approx. a 10 min journey). I have done this journey 1,000 of times without any hassle, but today, I turned back twice because I got stuck in traffic and the weight of panic just pushed me down and down until all I could think of was "got to get home, got to get home". So, I turned around and went home. I waited half an hour, tried to calm myself down and I tried again. This time, I got further than before, but again, panic rose in me and I had to turn back for the second time. I gave up after that. I feel pathetic, small and very weak. Trouble is, I was beginning to relax after picking up my boys ready for a night in front of the TV when my husband called on his way back from work and asked if I wanted to go to the shopping mall tonight for a bit of shopping !!!! I tell you, my stomach turned over, I felt so sick I just said "No" straight away. Now, he has returned home in a complete sulk and is not talking to me. He knows obviously about my panic disorder, but he is very much part of the pull yourself together brigade and doesn't offer any amount of understanding whatsoever. So, now, I am panicking over what happened today on top of that I am now worried that I have pushed my husband too far and what's going to happen if I get worse, how will he cope with having a wife on the verge of a nervous breakdown, because I seriously believe that that is what is happening to me.
I have an appointment with my GP on Thursday evening and I honestly cannot wait because I need help desparately and I need it now. I can't go on like this and I cannot put my family through this either. It's not fair, but then again, I don't think me having this illness is fair.
It's hard to reason with someone who is standing behind a brick wall and offers no positive help.
Aw mrscluggy, I REALLY do feel for you, when you're really low, its hard to scrape together any kind of energy to just get throught the day. And I know what you mean about going to the school! You had it in a nutshell. Nobody really knows whats going on, because like the graceful swan, all serene (ish!) on the surface, underneath you are paddling furiously to stay above water. Its absolutely exhausting, putting on a face. I really know what you are going through.
Can you try to talk with hubby? Is it beyond sitting him down and trying to make him understand how you feel? You feel so down just now, it feels like everythings on top of you, and more just keeps piling on, and its really easy on the outside to throw well meaning advice at you. Are you getting help at home, support with the kids? I really struggle to cope each day, and some days are better than others, but try to look after yourself and give yourself some time to get your head clear, because you will start to feel better, just take it each small step at a time.
I hope i'm not sounding patrionising, cos I dont mean to. Dont be afraid to ask people for help. You arent well, you are exhausted, your brains so tired, and you do need support.
I promise that you will always have us to come to, to have a moan, and ask for help. Its been a lifeline to me in the last few weeks. Start to think small steps, positive thoughts, just wee ones every day.
Take care, and huge hugs, we are here with you!!:hugs: xxx
And I apologise in advance, but i've said to my partner (who incidently is amazingly supportive) that to understand just how awful it is, it would be useful if he could just experience the panic attack that I feel, just once for a few seconds, to know just how horrendous it is. I would never ever ever wish it on anyone, but you know sometimes it would be helpful to walk in someone elses shoes just for a wee taste of how they feel!!
(would be a learning curve to many of us at some point in our lives, i'm sure):blush:
Pxx
Judy:hugs: I'm sorry I was away for so long but things here haven't been easy and if anything they're getting worse because I'm having to push for help before both of us get too ill but I've actually found coming back has helped me to cope because it's taken my mind off things and I feel amongst friends. An oasis in a hot desert.:hugs:
MrsCluggy:hugs: I know how it feels to get stuck in traffic and panic starts to consume us. It's a truly horrible feeling so don't be too hard on yourself wanting to get home. A couple of thoughts that might help you....
trying to suppress a panic attack. I am exhausted.
Trying to suppress an attack will make an attack feel worse because you're trying to fight it and this will cause so much tension that you Will feel exhausted as a result. I wondered, have you ever attempted to sit one out? My suggestion is that instead of driving home each time to start again, could you find somwhere to park for 5 mins in a side street or in a layby? If you could do this and focus on deep breathing and relaxing all your muscles, the attack Will pass, and once you feel camer, then continue on your journey.
When someone suffers from OCD, they will suffer a severe attack of anxiety and will seek immediate relief by repeating or performing a ritual. However, by doing this, the anxiety attacks will keep coming back because they never prove to themselves nothing will happen if they just ignore their compulsion. OCD is something I have had to learn to cope with.
The reason I'm mentioning OCD is because you can draw comparisons with how people cope with panic attacks. By returning home every time they experience to seek "safety", they're also seeking immediate relief but just as with someone suffering from OCD, this pattern of severe anxiety followed by seeking immediate relief will occur continuously until the sufferer proves to themselves that nothing will happen by allowing themselves to experience the anxiety and letting it "gradually" subside. This is why if you could find a layby and sit it out, you'll see there's no reason to run home because once you learn how to relax your body, the feelings Always pass. This way you also build confidence because you then know you have a "safety net" when you're out and just the knowledge of having a safety net provides a feeling of "security" and that security then prevents panics.:hugs:
One thing I tried was the paper bag trick! I know it doesn't work for everyone but I put one in a drawer so that every time I experienced a panic I could turn to it. However, simply by putting it in the drawer gave me a more secure feeling knowing I could turn to it and that secure feeling then helped me to overcome my panics. In fact I never needed the paper bag after that. Perhaps you could try carrying one with you to use in the layby?:hugs:
I know Peggy will feel very fortunate to have such a supportive partner. I know what you really need and it's very sad that your husband can't or won't help you because a partner can easily become a therapist for their other half because of the love, bond and Trust that should exist in a relationship. It saddens me I can't help you in the way you need but hopefully your doctor will help you find a therapist as a therapist is much more effective than medication which only helps to lessen the symptoms.:hugs:
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