I've Hurt him and I dont get why i feel this way!

[Joellie]

Eugh im so angry with myself. I feel at the moment like i dont want to see my boyfriend soon, but im so angry because ive had a good weekend. I just had a full blown emotional evening. I felt seriously like i wanted to die because i cant see a way out of this.

First i was doubting if i loved him and resolved it because i know i do and i dont doubt it now but i feel so negative, like i think about the next month and not really midn if i dont see him and this upsets me alot because i cant understand where my feelings about it have gone. It sounds like nonsence but i feel like a failure.

Now i dont get why i dont feel like i want to see him. One mintue i do and think "i want to see him just in a couple of weeks like normal" but then another part is like vacant and "not sure if i want to ever" even though thats ridiculous to even think that. I do want to see him again because i love him but i seem to be numb to that idea its wierd.

Started on citalopram (10mg for 7 days then 20mg for the next 6 months ) again today which im hoping will lift me a little bit so i can deal with being upset.

I just feel like a failure, thing is even though i feel this way about not seeing him i still knowi love him and i dont doubt that at all just i think in my state of depression and anxiety every thing looks a bit bleak, i dont want to do anything anywya, dont want to go to college or work dont want to see friends or talk to anyone so maybe this is just general?

What do you think? am i just crazy? I am going to make sure i do see nick because i love him, and i think if a relationship was failing on being boring because its comfortabel that couple could still fix it. Maybe i need to think of it that way because i do love him, i dont THINK im bored because i had a good weekend i just see my future as bleak at the moment and i dont really want to see anyone.

Im such a mess

[hellbelle49]

hi Joellie, please dont dispair. I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I have been feeling down and depressed for the past 4 months really seriously with severe anxiety and this was all triggered by my relationship. I also have been prescribed citalopram and been on for about 6 weeks.sadly for me so far i dont see any improvement...also i have ended my relationship as i couldnt stop all the negative obsessive thoughts about him even though i do love him but this doesnt have to be true for you - i think all my thoughts have been bordering on the ocd side as they are so intrusive, but mine are also based on reality - such as he isnt as lively as me, doesnt dance etc but my brain has heightened all these things and freaked me out so that everytime i speak to anyone i analyse how i interact with them and how they make me laugh and how maybe he doesnt interact with people the same way - i can see that my brain has made everything alot bigger and also can see that my own depression and feeling low about everything else in my life hasnt helped.
Maybe for you as everyone is different you can focus on the negative thoughts you are having and then try calm yourself and see if you can see any truth in them or any real reason to panic about it? you have said here you are worrying about things far in the future - that we cannot have any control over so maybe try limiting your time frame you are worrying about if you feel your brain is looming ahead.
try some relaxation techniques - or anything even small that makes you happy - going for a walk,listening to a song,chocolate bar anything
i know all this is easier said than done and i find each day a real struggle but this websites shows me that i am not the only one.
we all need to keep fighting
feel free to private message me anytime
take care
Hellbelle

[Bill]

I think you're swamping your mind with so many questions and doubts that you feel overloaded and so everything feels too much to cope with which is why the future feels bleak because you can't see an end in sight.

Relax...take one day at a time and try and put your crystal ball away. The future will sort itself if you let it.

Slow down, "enjoy" your love for him and stop asking yourself so many questions that the future will answer anyway. Hold true to your heart, and the bond you share together will work things through. Stop overloading your mind with so many questions Joellie and try and think of "other things" to keep your mind occupied.:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Joellie]

Thanks guys, yeah i feel ok because i have accepted that its part of depression to not want to see anyone. The moment i feel something that can effect my relationship makes me panic i think. Like this: I dont want to see anyone, and i dont want to see my boyfriend next weekend. This applies to everyone not just him but it doesnt mean i dont love him. So i feel ok because i know that when he does come down whether or not im feeling like i want to see him or anyone else i will still enjoy the time we have together.

Im just afriad of so many things.

Today im not really with it, ive started the citalopram, even though im only taking half a tablet (i cant remember how much i took before) i feel quite out of it, dizzy, sick (been sick) and just a bit down. But its ok because the down feeling isnt like edgy its quite soft and not directed at anything.

I feel bad but i called in my work placement for college and said iw as sick in the night ,i was sick this morning but that was after the call but i just need today to let my tablets work and get used to my body, i think i had this when i used them before last time so hoping they will have settled by tomorrow or i wont be able to drive to college either, i litterally feel wobbly on my legs so not good.

I just hate hurting people especially my boyfriend and he was getting scared because all i was saying was "i dont want to be here anymore" which at the time was completely true, still is a little bit now but its more of an idea than a want today as yesterday it was a want, my head was just clouded and foccussed on that one thing. But i love him, i actualy wish he was here now.

[meg86]

Hello Jolie :)

I went through something similar to you, anxiety numbed my feelings and i didnt feel any love, none for my boyfriend or my family no one, this really scared and upset me. I seriously considered getting on a plane and dissapearing for a while.

I was honest with him i told him that i feel numb to everyone, and i was glad not to make any rash decisions in the times i was feeling like that.

I felt like this for a few months, it was awful and i questioned everything like you are doing now, but i knew that i was going through something, i wasnt well and i was just going to be like this for a while and tried to concentrate on getting better.

I still have anxiety but my feelings did return, i never forced them it just happened and i was so glad that i didnt make any decisions because that would have been a huge mistake, anxiety does this to us sometimes, try not to overthink things, you'll know what to do in time xx

[Joellie]

I feel like i dont have any decisions to make now becuase i know i love him i just felt guilty for not wanting to see him and then the anxiety started with "do you ever want to see him again?" because i was feeling that way. Im trying to ignore it so i should be ok just need to give it some time