Feel like walking out on it all... [Archive]

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PoppyC

29-09-09, 00:13

Hi
Had the most horrendous day, which ended with my sister being really nasty saying that I was a Freak for having agoraphobia and not even being able to walk down the road, (which I can do but it does stress me sometimes) and that my brain was messed up - only she put it a little stronger than that!. My sister who is in her 50's isnt a nice person so I dont expect anything less from her, however that said the comment did hurt.
My whole family which now consists of sisters and brother just seem to resent me. It seems to have got worse since my parents died in Dec and July. If I mention agoraphobia or anxiety at any time, they just don't want to know, in fact they just ignore me as though I had not mentioned the subjects.
My partner who I wanted some support off just said the usual, 'Ignore her' and basically didn't seem that bothered.
I keep thinking that he is thinking less of me because of how I am. I guess I wanted some back up. I really do feel alone in how I am and that's why I turn to this site.
Earlier I thought, I just feel like packing my bags and leaving and disappearing, get a name change and maybe start again. I just feel that no one, except people on this site, can understand.
I feel really numb and actually since I got ill last year with anxiety and the rest, that I am different to everyone else that I know and that actually most people do not care at all about anyone but themselves.
Sorry I sound like I am whining but I just really feel like I have had enough. I dont mean by that, that I would contemplate suicide, I mean that I just feel ready to walk away and just disapear. Not sure where I would go to with agoraphobia though - makes it a bit difficult lol
Has anyone ever felt this way?

Lynnann

29-09-09, 04:07

Hi Poppy,

Yes I have felt like that from time to time but it passes. Trouble with families they can be an insensitive bunch but then they will do something to make us smile and it will remind us of why we love them.

I think it is difficult for people who have not experienced anxiety and agoraphobia to fully understand; they try but they don't quite get there at times. So they try to pretend it doesn't exist instead in the hope that it will go away.

Remember tomorrow is a bright new day.

Lynnann:flowers:

Joellie

29-09-09, 10:32

I had this very discussion with my dr yesterday. My dad cannot accept that anxiety is actually a condition! He thinks im just a bit worried. Its so much more and yesterday i hada breakdown and all he said was "oh for gods sake what are you upset about now? your working yourself up over nothing again" and it really hurt.

But thats when i come online here to all these lovely people who know what ive been through who can relate to my experiances. Sometimes peopel who havent had what weve had cant understand or contemplate ever feeling the way we feel. Because they cant contemplate it it seems too far fetched for them to understnad so they choose to see it as "not serious"

Were always here if you need us. Your sister sounds liek my sister, she has called me "psycho" before for having a depressive episode. I couldnt really challenge her without making her sound right so i did ignore her. I know ignoring her seems like a stupid thing as it gets you no where but really shes the one who is in the wrong!

charlotte83

29-09-09, 11:49

Hi poppy,

I'm sorry you're family are treating you this way. People are complicated whether they have anxiety or not and sometimes familes just don't truly understand the way anxiety makes you feel unless it happenes to them. I found sometimes when my anxiety was at its worst, my mum would say "I think you're overdoing it and making a fuss about it, its not that bad surely" and of course I got really angry and hurt, how did she know how bad I felt?!
Looking back, I think she didn't want to beleive or accept it was "that bad" so if she just kept pretending it wasn't, it might disappear and I would get better. It can be incredibly frustrating to get anyone to understand the way you feel and as a result you can feel quite alone. I've stopped trying to explain to my family anymore and I just say "well thats the way it is" but it still hurts sometimes. Things might be different tomorrow, keep venting out here if it helps, and remember that everyone here will always understand :) Take care xx

freudian nightmare

29-09-09, 13:31

Hello poppy,
Sorry to hear you're so down today but you know you're not alone and we're here for you no matter how bad you feel. Sometimes the ones closest to us can be the least sensitive to our problems because they feel they know us better, even though they don't always know the distress we're experiencing at different times. I suppose if we look at it from their standpoint it is hard for them too they may not always know what do or say to us to make it better, and as we know dep/anx can't just be made better. It's not as simple as some physical ailments that require pills and bed rest, anxiety and depression are more complicated. But that doesn't justify your family for treating you the way they have and especially the thoughtless words they used, i have had similar things said to me by loved ones and it's very hurtful and cruel. Feel free to pm me if you need to chat and i hope you feel brighter soon. :flowers: x

Mudskipper

29-09-09, 16:32

Yeah families, the greatest potential blessing and greatest potential curse on the planet! To my nearest and dearest I'm Eyeoore, always going around under a grey cloud; better than Psycho I guess but not nice to think that's how they see me all the time. Many times I've dreamt of just hooking up my caravan and disappearing, but it'll only ever be a dream because I could never leave my kids. However, rest assured that I and plenty of others on here know exactly how you feel and if all we can do is sympathise and lend an ear, well here we are.

Take care.:flowers:

Coni

29-09-09, 17:44

Hi Poppy, I totally agree with whats been said already.

In my experience family can be the most difficult to turn to when you need support and its sometimes much much easier to turn to a relative stranger who has no emotional ties to you...for this reason I found counselling very helpful.

I know when I was at my worst I would do anything rather than allow my mum or siblings know how bad I was (my mum didnt know I was off work till I had been on sick leave for 3 months)...my sister and brother still dont know...and I cant tell my husband either.

It does make things difficult though, trying to keep a lid on things and many times I do feel like disappearing...with the added wish that I would be missed by no one and that no one would ever know I had existed.

thats where this site comes in because you can bet that someone else, many in fact, have been where you are right now and everyone is here to help each other through.

Sorry you're feeling so rotten though, hopefully this will pass and just know we're all thinking of you.

take care

Coni XX

Veronica H

29-09-09, 18:30

:bighug1: Hi Poppy

I keep thinking that he is thinking less of me because of how I am. I guess I wanted some back up. I really do feel alone in how I am and that's why I turn to this site.
Earlier I thought, I just feel like packing my bags and leaving and disappearing, get a name change and maybe start again. I just feel that no one, except people on this site, can understand.
I feel really numb and actually since I got ill last year with anxiety and the rest, that I am different to everyone else that I know and that actually most people do not care at all about anyone but themselves....I could have written this myself a few months ago. It does pass. It is very frustrating when people just don't get it. Thank goodness for our buddies at NMP.

Veronica

PoppyC

29-09-09, 21:21

Thank You all who have replied. :hugs:I love coming onto this site, when I feel like nobody else understands, and then I get on here and just feel at home.
I could not sleep last night, because of what happened yesterday. I tried to sleep but everything just kept going over and over in my mind.
I had a chat with my partner today and although I moan about him at times, he is good, and maybe I expect too much. It can't be easy for him, seeing me as he does a lot of the time.
I dont feel like running away today - its a bit cold outside and I can't get that far with agoraphobia on my own.:unsure:
I was looking at retreats and thinking maybe of going to one for a few days, but the thing is I would probably get there, and then want to be home again. Has anyone ever been to a retreat???
Anyway, I have not run away but Thank You to all who replied. Your replies mean a lot. :flowers:

xBettyBoopx

30-09-09, 01:44

eternally optimistic

30-09-09, 15:18

Hi Poppy

Just read your initial post. I hope you are feeling better today.

That was unpleasant of your sister to make that comment and I hope that you can deal with it accordingly, however that might be!!!!

Sometimes when anxiety/pa's/agrophobia becomes too much, you feel like finishing it all.

I felt very low several weeks ago and just felt shear despair at not overcoming my issues.

I personally just want to be relaxed and see things for what they are, which is nothing really - not compaired to what alot of people have to deal with.

I hope you are smiling today and keep going - it can and it will improve.

ElizabethJane

30-09-09, 15:59

Dear Poppy I have been 'on retreat' several times. The first time was as a guest in the home of people who were part of a wider Christian Community. Theirs was also a working farm. I was there for a complete rest and did not get involved with any of the chores of the farm. The house was Elizabethan in origin and owned by the Guiness family. The second retreat was a silent retreat at our local Christian retreat house. I absolutely hated it and wanted to come home straight away. I have also stayed with a Christian community in Pilsdon Dorset. This was another Christian Community but much larger. Whole families made up the backbone of the community. The very large Elizabethan house was also a home to the rest of the Community who were mostly people who had experienced mental health problems. They also took in guests too. Wayfayers were also made welcome. They were given ahot meal and clean clothes and sent on their way.This community function by everybody taking part in the chores. I was a guest but I was still expected to help in the kitchen, bake bread and do some cleaning. This community was also a farm and so people worked on the farm and looked after the animals. There were people who you could talk to. Some people stayed for about two years while they got their lives together. I hope this helps. I only have experience of Christian retreats. I expect there are many more that are not Christian. PM me if you would like details of the Dorset community. Jane.

fishman65

30-09-09, 17:43

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Poppy}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Big hugs for you.Yes I've felt like walking away many a time,and sadly when our nearest and dearest are so blase about how we suffer it can make us want to just give it all up.The thing is,they just don't understand what is wrong with you.Some may try,but ultimately they can never really know what its like to be agoraphobic or suffer anxiety/depression.My family have known about my problems since December 1985 (when they started),but are none the wiser after all those years.I long ago stopped trying to explain,its pointless because the only way they can understand is to experience it.This is why all of us here understand you Poppy :hugs: and why everything you say to us makes perfect sense.So even if your family are going through sympathy burn-out (as I like to call it),we certainly are not and are here to listen.Hang in there and know you are among friends here.Please take care,

Hugs, Fishy xx

Veronica H

30-09-09, 18:30

Yes a retreat might be the answer for me too...lol. If you get there poppy please report back.

Veronicax

PoppyC

02-10-09, 17:48

Hi all :)
Thanks for all the replies!
As the week has gone on, I have gradually felt better and not run off into the distance. I am still thinking about retreats though and Thank You Elspeth, for all the info.
My sister and I had a massive argument - I hate arguing too as it makes my anxiety get a lot worse afterwards - and we have now vowed not to have anything more to do with each other, however for now that good be a good thing!
I agree with what you all wrote about some people not being understanding and that's why I am so glad there is this site.:D

mandie

03-10-09, 11:10

:hugs: Hi Poppy

Sorry to hear about how yr family are treating you.

Until u have this condition for yourself, people think its a case of pulling yourself together etc, they dont understand it is a proper medical condition

Glad to hear u are feeling bit better now

:hugs: :hugs: mandie x

fishman65

03-10-09, 17:27

[quote=mandie;558737

Until u have this condition for yourself, people think its a case of pulling yourself together etc, they dont understand it is a proper medical condition

How true that is Mandie

den68

03-10-09, 18:00

a retreat sounds just the ticket to me too at the moment. Just 1 week away from everything and everyone bliss. Its a pity people have this pull yourself together attitude. Poppy your sister dosnt know if this awful illness wil come to her yet and i bet she wouldnt like it if you treated her the way shes treating you On a brighter note im glad your starting to feel a bit better

Louise21

03-10-09, 18:36

Hi Poppy,
So sorry to hear how bad you're feeling and I do sympathise.
I've been on a retreat which I've mentioned in another post. It was Aylesford Priory, near Maidstone, Kent.
Thinking of you and sending a big :bighug1:
Love,
Louise