View Full Version : The leaf
I took the dog out this evening for his usual walk and as I stood by the trees, I looked up to see the changing colours of the leaves when suddenly I noticed a leaf hanging in mid-air by its stem as if in suspended animation.
As I watched, the leaf twisted and turned with the breeze in ever quickening spinning circles without ever moving anywhere. I then noticed it was hanging by an almost invisible spiders thread which appeared too weak so I was expecting this lonely leaf to fall at any moment.
It was trapped yet being pushed so hard by the breeze with only the tiniest of threads to hold on to which at some point I knew would break sending it crashing to oblivion with the thousands of other leaves already trampled on the ground...........and then I suddenly thought........
........I was watching "me".:hugs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcRGBjyAOok&feature=PlayList&p=E28F07E99193D24D&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=23
Knock off the bit about falling from the tree and it's a great analogy...sees you as a strong person whose determined to hold on even though the odds are against him.
And even if you have to let go off the tree, just think of all those other leaves there, ready to catch you.
Just thought I'd try and cheer you up, as it seems you help alot of ppl on here.
Nat x
You're very sweet Nat.:bighug1: :) Yes, you did make me smile! I have no choice but to hold on I feel but it feels too much of a strain lately. Someone once told me I help people because it helps me forget my own troubles...very true....but it always helps me to smile when I can help make someone else find their smiles again.:)
Thank you Nat for giving a smile to me!:hugs:
Hi Bill,
Have to agree with Nat; below is all the freinds you have made here waiting to catch you :D
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/0d/Red_autumn_leaves.jpg
Hi Bill
It is amazing how something that seems so fragile and delicate can be so very strong. I think this is a very good analagy as i think this sums up how quite a few of us feel, blowing in the wind at its mercy. But there is a very strong "thread" running through us, that our minds, when we are unwell/exhausted tricks us into believing it will break. It won't Bill.
You are a knowledgable, caring, compassionate and empathic person. You show these qualities in every post you make to help others, I know how hard it can be to really listen to yourself, but if you can Bill you will benefit as I and many others do on NMP, from YOUR knowledge and caring.
Please take care of yourself.
Sue xxx :bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:
Bill, it makes me sad to think you feel this way! I can totally see how you feel with this, the wind for me is the change around me that i cant control however i see myself as the thread and the leaf as my mind and that even though i feel fragile at the moment im actually alot stronger than people would think and that once the wind has settled, the spider (maybe my medication, my boyfriend, my family) will come and help to make me a little stronger.
But its very true, i guess in a way we on this forum are like trees. We make the forum colourful with our problems but yet were all here with the same kind :)
:weep: Today i feel like that leaf - right at the end of my tether. My head hurts and is light and giddy and and etc etc you all know the feeling:weep:
And then this post - the written words have such a depth of meaning they really touched home - BUT then lynnann's picture really made me cry with all the pent up emotions. It is such a beautiful picture.
Thank you all :hugs: you were there at just the right time:yesyes:
Best wishes
June
:hugs:
Yes, Lynn's picture is very beautiful! All the special colours of those leaves remind me of every special person I've come to know on nmp. If I fell into those leaves, I know there could be no more special place but you'd have to search for the dull brown one amongst you to find me!
I had to talk to the doctor today and she's contacting the team to see if they will do something to help me with my caring role before that thread breaks! Time will tell though if they actually come up with anything...and in time!
Thank you for being such Lovely people. I so much Envy your partners.:bighug1:
Desprate Dan
30-09-09, 09:32
Yes, Lynn's picture is very beautiful! All the special colours of those leaves remind me of every special person I've come to know on nmp. If I fell into those leaves, I know there could be no more special place but you'd have to search for the dull brown one amongst you to find me!
I had to talk to the doctor today and she's contacting the team to see if they will do something to help me with my caring role before that thread breaks! Time will tell though if they actually come up with anything...and in time!
Thank you for being such Lovely people. I so much Envy your partners.:bighug1:
Bill you are such a special caring person and i feel really sad that you feel so down, when you help so many to feel good, the advice and help you have gave me has without a shadow of doubt helped me, but i feel upset that i dont know how i can help you in return.. You are a strong person and all them leaves on the floor are all us caring people waiting to catch you and surround you with our friendship.. Dont ever think your alone Bill, "ONE FOR ALL AND ALL FOR ONE" we will help each and everyone through what ever difficulties we may face..
(Hold on for one more day and things will go your way) I always tell myself this its the line from a song i think by Wilson phillips...
Take Care My friend...:)
Desprate (To help others) Dan
Dan that was a lovely post
Yeah that was really nice :) I feel the same also, i feel bad always spilling my problems and never having answers for anyone else.
Bill you are one of the most important people to me on here, i look forward to your posts and you know you can always pm me if you need anything. Keep your chin up :)
reallyfedup
30-09-09, 12:26
Bill
you spin those webs. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: love Sara xxx
i feel upset that i dont know how i can help you in return..
Dan, as June says, that was a Truly lovely post! Thank you!......but it's just typical of you, Joellie and others here because you're very caring people!:)
There's nothing anyone can really do to help me with my problems and my situation but you help me more than you know by allowing me to "try" and help you because I then forget about "me" for a while when I read about all of you! Like I say, I just wish I could do more to help you!
During the day, I often re-run what I've read about yours and others problems and try to think what more I can say to help and that helps me so you really can't do more than you are already!
Someone I once knew was an agoraphobic. They couldn't get out the house without suffering panics. I offered what I could to help and they'd say to me they would keep in their mind "What would I be saying, what would I do". They were also seeing a therapist at the time and eventually after a long period of time, they went from strength to strength and the last I heard they had found a good job and were going abroad on holiday. I'm Not saying this to blow my own trumpet though. I'm saying this because it gave me immense satisfaction knowing they had moved on with their life and were now content and happy. They said I'd played my part in their recovery because I helped to give them belief in themselves. I don't know if I did or not but knowing they are now happy just made me feel happy too for "them". If I could do the same for others, I feel my life would have been worth something so it really helps me just to know that I'm doing some good for you.:hugs:
Do they do awards for people like you? Lol you are so nice and caring it makes you believe in the human race again! After you see war and stuff, all i have to do is think about how you help everyone and i just think "its not all bad" :)
Like your friend, i do often think of you when im having difficulties because i think back to everything youve said about how i should think of my anxiety as silly thoughts like cream cakes and just let it pass us by. Its worked a few times, the newer anxious thoughts are harder because theyre like a new wound but youve deffinately helped me heal the old ones.
Thanks :)
If they ever did awards, I know where it would be pinned on me!:blush:
Sweet Jollie:) , I'm just glad I've been of some help to you. As I read just now in another thread, I think from Charlotte, you need to stop analysing every thought that's created by your anxiety because they make you go round in circles. I think it maybe that you're feeling more insecure without your b'f around but it should be easier when he's back.
Someone once said to me I'm "too" nice meaning I'm too soft and I knew they were right. It creates my inability to say "no" and risk hurting people which has caused alot of my past and present problems. If I cause hurt, I'd rather take it out on myself because it makes me feel such a bad person. You see, I have issues which will always hinder me from being more than I am.
Today I feel very weak. Everything's getting to me again. Since speaking to my wifes cpn on Monday and the doctor last Tuesday, I've heard nothng. I've even asked my mother to talk to them as they seem to ignore me and I feel bad asking her in her condition but maybe they'll know then that I feel I've had enough and I'm not just moaning.
It seems every day you turn on the news these days, you hear of someone in a similar position to me taking drastic actions because no one ever listens by which time it's too late because their silence and lack of action pushes the person over the edge.
I'm sorry Joellie for being depressing tonight because I know how much you care. If they ever do clone people, save some of your dna for them so that there can be many more of you caring about others. stay well and keep safe sweet Joellie.:hugs:
Desprate Dan
02-10-09, 07:36
Bill, i cant believe everything i have just read "Is Me"..:scared15: :scared15:
Thats why i was stuck in a relationship were i got bullied by my GF but couldn't do nothing because even though she caused me so much hurt, i could never hurt anyone.. I have so many times took the hurt off others and carried it on my own shoulders, i would rather hurt than to see others hurting.. I wouldn't even go to the doctors because i feared i would put them in an embarrasing situation, i feel others pain and embarrasment, so i try to protect them from it...
I to fear that if i dont sort this problem out i too dont know were the road will take me, i read something in the newspaper just yesturday and thought OMG that could be me...
Thanks and i really hope you feel better soon because i am sharing you hurt too..
DAN
ladybird64
02-10-09, 11:01
Hi Bill
I have a leaf exactly like the one you described in my front garden, it's been spinning away all week..I have also been waiting for the "drop" but it hasn't happened yet..this leaf is tougher than it looks. :)
I have been reading your posts but have not responded until now, I believe we have been watching the same news articles and after a period of doing very well, the story about the mother and her daughter has haunted me..it has not been the best week.:weep:
Carers come bottom of the heap don't we? You have advised me often enough to push for the help that I needed, now it's my turn to wag the finger. :D I don't know what you feel you need, a break from your wife (would she go into respite?) or you getting away, even for a weekend. I'm sure your mum will be glad to help you, even if she is ill.
I'm concerned that the CPN has conveniently chosen not to get back to you and am worried for your own mental health. Please go to your GP and tell them how bad you are feeling? Then ring the CPN at regular intervals until the bugger has to do something.
What about MIND, are they any help? Harrass everyone hun..you know that you need to get some back-up for yourself.
Keep me posted. by PM if you prefer.
:hugs:
what wonderful words from Bill and Dan x x Bill you always make me feel a little brighter with your wise words !!!
kath
x
I know you understand how I'm feeling. Thank you.:hugs:
I spoke to the cpn last Monday who said she'd contact the psychiatrist and ask the carer support worker to contact me. On Tuesday I spoke to the doctor on the phone who said she'd fax the mental health team to add weight for "me". This morning my mother rang the mental health team telling them how things are affecting me........and yes, you've guessed it....nothing! No calls, no visits...Nothing!
Is it any wonder these tragic events keep happening when carers are constantly ignored???:mad:
For these past weeks my wifes not got to bed before 6am. I've tried sleeping but I'm either restless or have nightmares. We've had 2 lunchtime functions recently that we were supposed to attend but I've just felt too exhausted and had no energy to even get up because I've had so little sleep for so long together my mood becoming so low. Today no one asked why and no one said anything when I eventually turned up. They were just annoyed I'd let them down...again.
10 years ago I felt like this when the lack of action and support was the same. I felt trapped, alone and without hope so I selfh and took od's. Yes, it was act of desperation to get help but nothing was done so it was a waste of time. In the end I just didn't care if I Did take too much!
Things are different now though. Not only have I got my wife to care for but now my mother has her terminal illness so I have no choice but to survive.
On the surface I appear "ok" but underneath, I feel if I get ill, at least the doctors can't say I don't have a "genuine illness" and I can be in hospital for a while and get some rest!
When I took the dog out this evening, I couldn't find that leaf...the thread must have snapped!
Some things never change......except that now I remind myself I'm not the only one being treated like this so I'll keep fighting! But when oh when are they going to realise that carers are "part" of the team and not to be treated as non-essentials to be ignored. If we gave up our positions, who then would be left with the caring? Those who ignore us! It just makes me So Angry that we're taken for granted and virtually abused by those who are supposed to be there to support us and work with us!:mad: Yes, I know there is a lack of resources but what should come first....finances or peoples lives???:shrug: The body count seems to be growing higher than the finances over these past 10 years! Are lives really worth so little? Is there That little caring left in this world?:mad:
Bill
If it wasn't for people like you in the world where would society be. The only problem is that all these "professionals" are going through life's problems also they also are on the roller-coaster. In actual fact we all are. Sadly you have to put on your own oxygen mask first or you cant help others.
I fear the medical profession is lacking in true carers and that most are driven by financial incentives.
Take care Bill
Mee
Great analogy Bill, sums up most of us on this forum, thanks for replying to my thread on self harm and depression to
As some of you may have read....I spoke to my wife's cpn a week ago on Monday who said she would discuss with the psychiatrist about changing her meds and also contact carers support for me. The next day I spoke to the doctor who said she would be sending a fax to the team because of my own health. On Friday my mother spoke to the team saying how tired I was feeling.
Well...I still hadn't heard anything from anyone this Monday so I decided to write a letter and I delivered it to the surgery for the doctor to read today. I really just described my mood and that no one has done anything to help for over a week.....together with some other depressing things which I won't worry you with. Whether or not I'll actually hear anything from anyone today....well....you know as much as me!
I confess there are old habits that are tempting me but I know I mustn't but in a way it adds to a feeling of frustration because I can't do anything to relieve how I'm feeling. I don't think a day has gone by recently without some..:weep::blush:
I know I say to people that when you feel very low, look for something you enjoy but to tell you the truth, I can't find enjoyment in any of the things I normally enjoy which rather disturbs me. In every direction I can think of to help myself I feel trapped with no way out.
When I spoke to my mother today she said she worries about me like any mother would so I know I can't do anything that would worry her further, especially with her illness.
I know I can't change my situation and that's one cage I'll just have to accept. If you've seen anything of Eastenders lately (boy, that programmes So nasty and So depressing!) and Staceys illness, you'll have a good idea how ill my wife was when I first met her so you may also understand why I can't leave my cage if you've seen how trauma has affected Stacey. I also know that my wife would od because she's told me. Not because of emotional blackmail but just stating a fact which I know is true because of her family's history. I couldn't live with that on my conscience or even make her as ill as she used to be because I know that would happen.
So, what other choices do I have? Respite? Yes, but it's not as easy as it sounds because my wife couldn't cope alone which would mean her going somwhere. I couldn't ask her to do that. Could you ask your partner to leave so you could get some sleep? well, I'm not that mean! lol
Well, if they can't do anything, maybe I'll just get too ill and then their problem would be much bigger than it is at present.
Also I've had to visit the dentist weekly for the past 6 weeks. When he asked me today if my mouth was numb after the injection, I replied "I" Do feel numb! The only nice thing about the visits is the chance to relax in his chair! It's So comfortable! I want one! I've had 3 fillings, 1 crown, and an extraction today and I'm hoping that's it for a while because they know me so well now they offered to rent a room for me! lol If only a! lol
So, tomorrow's a new exciting day with lots to look forward to...I think I'll have a long long long lie in if I'm allowed!....and I know those who are leading normal working lives are wishing they could to....and they'd be welcome to swap with me!
I said to a nurse one day I admired her for the job she does and she replied, no, she's lucky, she can go home after work......but I can't. I still greatly admired her though and all nurses because I know I couldn't do their jobs. I just wish I had one....no, not their job...just one of them!:unsure:
After I'd written the above, I just had a nice reminder why a nice long lie in sounds such a good idea! Our poor old dog has trouble with his "works" these days so normally I lay out newspaper in the hallway but tonight I didn't bother because I knew my wife was just a door away down there while I was upstairs so I knew if he started panting or fidgeting she'd let him out. Big mistake! I must remember to have a tattoo done to remind me "Do not trust her!". I know she's ill and I know she can't help it but whenever I make the mistake of trusting her, I'm always the one who walks straight into it, as I did literally just now in my slippers! and I'm the one who has to clear up the...... literally sometimes! I never learn! Funny that.....isn't Stacey talking about looking after a dog too?
What's the time? 4.18AM. Only another couple of hours to go til I can get some sleep.
Sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve this life and whether one day I'll just decide I've had enough of being given it. I can't see a point to it lately and no one seems to be bothered enough to help or they wouldn't ignore us for over a week so far....
Good News!!!....kind of!
At last they've been in touch. We just have to wait another week until we can have a meeting together to discuss a plan of action. Well....it's a step forward perhaps.:shrug:
Thats good news Bill ,I will keep my fingers crossed something good will come out of it .Its such a disgrace that you have to fight so hard to get heard and sink so low before anything is done .Take care dear Bill ,love and Hugs Sue xxx:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::b ighug1::bighug1::bighug1:
Thank you Sue:hugs: I'm compiling a list of issues so they can see how bad things have become. I'm going to force them to do something to help both of us one way or another!:hugs:I'm afraid to say, all carers know that the carers who get help are the ones who shout the loudest. It's just tiresome that you have to keep fighting professionals when you have enough pressures at home already.:hugs:
ladybird64
10-10-09, 20:04
Hiya Bill
Fightng talk my friend? Good on ya :D
If you don't keep on their arse Bill then they are going to ignore you, regardless of how desperate you are, you know it and I know it.
Sometimes it seems easier just to give up the fight because we get tired and so much effort is required to keep going but the alternative is unthinkable.
As you say, those with the loudest voices get the help, not necessarily those in the greatest need. It has always been this way although of course they deny it :lac:.
You do pplenty for us here so let us return the favour. Keep us updated, tell us how you are feeling and if we can do anything to help you.
Don't become another statistic that slips through the net.
:bighug1:I'm with you.
the thing is bill , even if the leaf is amongst the others ,,its still an individial, each unique, in colour , shape, but when the are all together they go to make up a rainbow of colours like people do,,besides which you noticed the leaf didnt you,,so it was apricated for itself,,isnt mother nature beautiful especially autumn my fave time of year
I've posted under the "Autumn" thread about a few things.
Teez, your post made lovely reading! Thank you.:hugs:
the alternative is unthinkable.
As you say, those with the loudest voices get the help,
10 years ago I couldn't have shouted any louder but I still wasn't heard so the unthinkable became very thinkable which I then put into practise. Still.....no one heard. I've never had any help for "me". My wife has always received help to "indirectly" help me.
Anyway, I have my mother to think of so no matter what thoughts I have and no matter how I feel, I Have to think of her and keep Trying to push for help but like I told my mother today, if I become too ill to cope, that's when they'll probably hear me. Oh well. I'm Sure you understand how I feel.:bighug1:xxx
Hello Bill,
:hugs:
Do hope the meeting goes well and you receive the extra support you so desperately need.
Thank you Rosie.:hugs:In a way I'm trying not to think about it because everything feels like too much hassle and actually, well, every day IS meaning more hassle! I don't think someone up there likes me!:shrug:
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