CheshireCat
29-09-09, 12:58
I had a huge fight with my mum on Sunday afternoon. We've never had a good relationship, which has been a huge contributing factor in my anxiety and self-esteem problems. To cut a long story short, when I was 15, she told me I was worthless, would never amount to anything and she wished I'd never been born. And believe me, when you hear that from your mother day in and day out, you can't help but believe it.
Anyway, after the counselling and everything, I'd started to be able to just take everything she said with a pinch of salt and not let to get to me. But on Sunday, my sister (pride and joy of the family, artistic, extrovert, exciting, teaching English overseas) sent me an e-mail about a job interview I have tomorrow. She basically gave me a list of questions to ask, saying if I take her advice it'll get me the job. Maybe I overreacted, but I was really insulted by this - as though I need my little sister's help to get a job - plus, the family make a massive fuss of her and tell me how I should be more like her and I was just pigsick of being the black sheep. When I told my mum how insulted I was, she had a go at me saying that I need to take my sister's advice, there's clearly something wrong with me and that's why I've been unemployable for the last 12 months.
I did my usual thing in confrontational circumstances and left (walking out on a bloody roast dinner too!) and went back to my flat - where I totally fell apart. I was crying so much I couldn't breathe, which led onto a panic attack and I wanted so desperately to self-harm. And the more panicky I got and the more I thought about self-harm, the angrier I got with myself for letting her get to me after so long, and obviously, that just kicked off this vicious circle.
Thank God for my amazing friends - my wonderful J phoned me up and spent ages on the phone with me, calming me down and helping me get back into control. So thankfully, I didn't slip back into self-harming, which I'm so pleased about.
I'm still annoyed with myself for letting her get to me so much - but then, I realised that I finished my counselling three months ago, and in the space of three months, I've only had one "blip" as bad as this one. One, in three months, whereas before I could barely go a couple of days without falling apart. So that's progress, right?!
Sorry for the long post - I just reeeeally needed to get that off my chest! I'm back to my normal self again now, thank goodness, although slightly nervous about my interview tomorrow! Eeek! Wish me luck!
Anyway, after the counselling and everything, I'd started to be able to just take everything she said with a pinch of salt and not let to get to me. But on Sunday, my sister (pride and joy of the family, artistic, extrovert, exciting, teaching English overseas) sent me an e-mail about a job interview I have tomorrow. She basically gave me a list of questions to ask, saying if I take her advice it'll get me the job. Maybe I overreacted, but I was really insulted by this - as though I need my little sister's help to get a job - plus, the family make a massive fuss of her and tell me how I should be more like her and I was just pigsick of being the black sheep. When I told my mum how insulted I was, she had a go at me saying that I need to take my sister's advice, there's clearly something wrong with me and that's why I've been unemployable for the last 12 months.
I did my usual thing in confrontational circumstances and left (walking out on a bloody roast dinner too!) and went back to my flat - where I totally fell apart. I was crying so much I couldn't breathe, which led onto a panic attack and I wanted so desperately to self-harm. And the more panicky I got and the more I thought about self-harm, the angrier I got with myself for letting her get to me after so long, and obviously, that just kicked off this vicious circle.
Thank God for my amazing friends - my wonderful J phoned me up and spent ages on the phone with me, calming me down and helping me get back into control. So thankfully, I didn't slip back into self-harming, which I'm so pleased about.
I'm still annoyed with myself for letting her get to me so much - but then, I realised that I finished my counselling three months ago, and in the space of three months, I've only had one "blip" as bad as this one. One, in three months, whereas before I could barely go a couple of days without falling apart. So that's progress, right?!
Sorry for the long post - I just reeeeally needed to get that off my chest! I'm back to my normal self again now, thank goodness, although slightly nervous about my interview tomorrow! Eeek! Wish me luck!