Why Don't People Understand?

[SH2727]

I feel so horrible today. I have been in a really bad HA phase for a few weeks now. I could spend hours with my GP discussing all my ailments but as we all know that isn't possible.

I have been onto BUPA and thought I would have a Well Woman check so that I could discuss my problems/fears, particularly as I do have ongoing women's problems. I mentioned it to my husband who automatically went into 'whats wrong with you now' mode. He is a lovely husband, but he really doesn't understand my HA at all and gets really fed up with it. We have just had a huge row and now I am really upset.

Sorry to rant on, I just needed to have a moan to someone.

[fed_up09]

My BF is exactly the same :( He gets so fed up because I ask for reassurence, he gives it to me, and then seconds later I'm asking again. I try to bottle up my worries, but that doesnt work either as get into such a stage. Arghhh :(

[pollyanna]

People who havent experienced anxiety on this level really cant begin to understand, they try, but i suppose its like everythiing if you havent experienced it you can only imagine, and sometimes its way off the mark.

To a rational mind, they really cant, as hard as they try see how deep our problems/thoughts are, i have a rational mind too, unfortunately the irrational side has way too much power at times and will take over.

I know its frustrating, however much we want them to understand, 'to get it' its just not going to happen on the level that we would like, to feel understood, thats the beauty of sites like this, you are among people who do understand, and you can talk, air your thoughts and vent some of the frustration, and feel comfortd by knowing that people here understand, which allows you to go back and carry on in your 'real' life , and know you have somewhere to turn to.

I know we get frustrated by friends/family who dont understand, some dont want to, and some try, bless them, but dont quite get there, but thats not really there fault, sometimes we dont even understand it ourselves....

hope things improve for you soon.

Best wishes


P x :hugs:

[debs180]

My BF has been really great about my GAD and HA for the past year, but recently he has been saying things like, "what is it now", "snap out of it" all that kinda stuff, and it makes me feel more down because i feel im burdening him, and now things have got quite bad and we are not talking, and hes the only 1 i can turn to because hes been there from the start, so im feeling a bit lost and lonely at the moment.
So i can totally relate to how your feeling at the moment hun, take care, Debs x

[Maj]

Hi,

Yes, it can be a lonely business, high anxiety. Some people who've never been there just don't understand it and I suppose if you're more laid back it must be difficult. I know many people who don't suffer from high anxiety. My husband is one of them. He seems to be able to logically put things into perspective. Sometimes I seem to put everything illogically up in the air!! It is hard at times but you've just to keep going and concentrate on yourself. I firmly believe that you can't change your personality but you can learn to live with and accept that you are an anxious person. Try not to waste your time and effort convincing someone else how you feel. Try convincing yourself that you can recover.
Myra:)

[Joellie]

My dad didnt accept my anxiety from the begining. It starts with things like "Oh yeah i had that once" and your thinking you damn well didnt! and then it turns into "whats wrong now?" and "you have to stop worrying about nothing youl just get yourself more worked up" its very hurtfull. My boyfriend is very supportive of me but i feel he will soon get bored of the "im upset" calls and will get upset with me

[MOJO]

I found my hubbie quite understanding at first, but now it's nearly a year since I was like this and he just doesn't know why I'm not better. Neither do I!!! He says things like "Why are you panicking?" or "It's time you got a grip on yourself" really helpful! I know it's hard for our partners but it's even harder for us. Thanks goodness for this site and all the understanding people on it.

[Joellie]

I had a breakdown when i last went to the docs over thsi subject. I said how i get anxious about change as i dont want to move from home to go to uni because of the support ig et from my family.And he was like "well what support do you get" and the truth is i dont really, i get more support from everyone here than i do from my dad and sister.

Sometimes people you dont know are th emost understanding

[SH2727]

Thank you for all your supporting words. I love this site, it makes me feel as if I am not going mad.

I am so bad at the moment and everything is cancer. Even as I write this my heart is racing with the fear I have something awful. I really want to get rid of this but don't know how to.

Best wishes to all my fellow sufferers. xx

[Ella_Jayne]

My boyfriend and well all my family are the same. Although my BF is great with my HA and gives me reassurance, if I find a new symptom or have a pain, he just looks at me as if to say 'Oh no, here we go again'. We've had many arguements about it, but I just have to accept that he will never fully understand unless he experiences it himself.

It's hard 'cause if my mum phones and I'm having a 'good day' (by good I mean thoughts that I have a brain tumor or some form of deadly disease are at the back of my mind, not fully gone) then she just assumes that I'm fine and my HA is just a phase. Nobody seems to understand completely. I find extreme comfort reading through this forum though, knowing that I'm not alone.

I hate feeling constant worry about my health, it's no fun thinking you have a serious illness like cancer and then being patronised by doctors when you query your symptoms. I hope everyone on here finds a way to overcome their HA, including me. It's makes life even more tough.

[Ella_Jayne]

Thank you for all your supporting words. I love this site, it makes me feel as if I am not going mad.

I am so bad at the moment and everything is cancer. Even as I write this my heart is racing with the fear I have something awful. I really want to get rid of this but don't know how to.

Best wishes to all my fellow sufferers. xx

I know exactly how you feel. Every symptom I have, I just put it down to cancer, then think the doctors are wrong and they're leaving me to die from this deadly unknown disease. And if my BF doesn't take me serious about a symptom I tell him he must not care. My mind is then full of thoughts about death and so on... Oh I could go on and on. You're not alone hun, I feel like this 24/7.

x

[Ella_Jayne]

My dad didnt accept my anxiety from the begining. It starts with things like "Oh yeah i had that once" and your thinking you damn well didnt!


I got that exact same thing from my dad, he was like 'I felt like that when I was your age' or every symptom that I have he seems to have had the week before, and I'm like NO you didn't, trust me!

[Humly]

I think that if you havent suffered with HA yourself it is difficult to understand how awful it is. My hubby is great but I dont want to bother him now with my worries. I also tend to mention things in passing to other people (friends, family, colleagues), just dropping things into the conversation so that I can talk about it, and give the impression that I am not really concerned but inside I am worried sick and cant think about anything else. In reality I think that there are many people like us but they keep things to themselves like I do. Thank goodness for this place!

[amu]

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. My favourite comments from my husband:

- "get yourself together" (love it, my favourite chlice, wonder what it means)
- "don't start"
- "I've had enough of this"
- "never talk to me about this again"
- "Actually if you do have cancer it's your fault that you haven't been diagnosed because you didn't push the GP enough to send you for the proper tests"

he really knows what to say to someone with HA :(

[sarah jayne]

I know exactly what your going through. I broke up with my husband over it last week, it was the worst day of my life. We are back together now though and weve promised each other never to let it get to that stage again. My husband said he felt helpless not being able to make me feel better and he bottled it all up and started being horrible, he was the total opposite of the kind loving person he is. I didnt realise until last week that it doesnt just effect us but effects our loved ones a great deal to. Anyway i'll stop rambling on, i hope you feel better soon, your not on your own xxx

[blacksheep]

Hi, I have suffered for HA for 15 years and have lost mates who couldn't handle my HA and I have drive partners away with my wittering and negativity and constant "new ailments". I think what you have to realise (and this may sound horrid) but despite the love these people have for us it must be horrendous for them too. Look at it from your partners point of view for a minute and imagine how listening to lists of symptoms and worst case scenario's must be very draining! My best friend is very honest with me and despite loving me dearly she says she finds time with me to be negative and draining because I constantly need reassurance and want to discuss new medical conditions I may be having. Last time we were together I had to apologise after for ruining what would have been a great time together. We are going for dinner sunday evening and I am going to try my hardest to not let HA rear its head and wreck another night. Health Anxiety is awful and controls and ruins our lives, but in turn it can have that affect on our nearest and dearest. Imagine an evening with yourself....listen to the sort of stuff that your partner and family have to hear. Health Anxiety is hard to understand to those who don't have it, but in truth as a sufferer myself, I do think the condition makes us quite self focussed and quite negative to be around. I totally understand how you feel but just take a step back and put yourself in your boyfriends place.

[chellebelle]

Oh my gosh - every post on this threadd could have been written by me to some degree. - Sarah Jane,"he bottled it all up and started being horrible, he was the total opposite of the kind loving person he is". This sounds like it might be the answer with my partner! I'm going to discuss it with him later.

What I wanted to add to this is a suggestion. It would be great eye opener for our loved one's if they would agree to do all the activities you can do to bring on anxiety like sensations. i.e, breathe as shallow and fast as possible for 60 seconds, spin on a chair for 30 seconds, breathe through a straw for 60 seconds. etc.

Anything that brings on the "fight or flight" type symptoms that we experience, but without any real threat. I don't think it's truly possible to experience the horror that we do, but perhaps it would help them to gain a little insight.

[blacksheep]

Does nobody else see how hard it must be for our loved ones to hear health fear after health fear and not be fed up with it? reassuring someone time and time again must be very draining. I spoke to my best mate about it tonight and she said there are times she cannot bear being around me because I bring her down with worries and fears. I recognised myself in a lot of the post's above and have heard many of the same lines, but the one thing that shocked me was how self absorbed and negative HA sufferers are - myself included!!

I dont wish to offend anyone or look judgemental, I am not, but maybe we should all spare a thought for those people that have to live around us. They dont know what is like to live with HA, but equally we dont know what it is like to live with someone who is constantly anxious and often depressed or fearful.

[sandy35]

I think my fiance and my parents are sympathetic to a point and do their best to reassure me but if it is a bit more ongoing I think I can tell that I am testing their patience. They know what I am like as I have now had health anxiety for 20 years. It is hard for people to understand when they have had no experience of mental health issues but wish this would change. My parents were also brought up at a time when mental health issues was a taboo subject.