really need help again today sorry

[LisaLisa]

Hello everyone

Im really really upset and very anxious today.

I worry about having hiv becuase i have all these symptoms that i have read happen only with that. I have been tested 5 times and they have all been negative so i got some cbt to deal with health anxiety.

My cbt has finished and im really struggling because I have found a new symptom, a lymph node in my parotid gland in my face. I already have a cyst thing in it and i big lymoph node underneath it in my neck.

I posted about this the other day and felt a bit better becuase i started to rationalise that my tests couldnt be that inaccurate that they would miss it.

But to try and reassure myself i went loooking on google again to look up stuff about the different strains and where they are in the UK. Well I read that 10% of strains in the uk cannot even be identified according to their strain!! And that there all subtypes and combinations of those subtypes have been found in the uK !Where does this leave me for if my tests worked or not? What if i have a strain that is not picked up by the tests used by the NHS?

Does anyone know anything about all this?

Does anyone work in the nhs who can help me with this?

I am so worried that I am going to die and that i have infected my baby , becuae when she was born last year there was some blood in my waters when they broke and im so scared that if i have it she would have caught it then. Also I am sickened about if i have infected my partner, i feel so disgusting and cant bare to be with him becuae i am so horrified that this is happening to me.

Can anyone please help me i just cant do this anymore its too hard

Im sorry to be so needy but im really so stuck


Lisa
xxxxx

[meg86]

Aww Lisa, i think you are just going through a very very anxious phase at the moment (we all have them) i know this is a reoccurring fear for you but i think you have 100% convinced yourself you have it, when everyone is trying to convince you that you 100% dont.

If you convince yourself you have something and look on Google you will find the symptoms, i have done this both with brain tumours and MS. I dont think whatever anyone says to you on here will convince you otherwise.

I see you give people on here fantastic logical advise to their own fears but you cant seem to rationalise your own.

I also have a large gland under my jaw as do alot of people, the doctors have told you your fine, the 5 tests have confirmed it, but this means nothing have you confirmed it true to yourself.

I think you need to go back to you doctor and request a extension on your CBT, ask him to have a look at your gland, request a 6 HIV test if it would help, but i think even if you had a 100 negative HIV tests it might not even help.

How did the CBT therapist tell you to rationalsie this fear? xx

:hugs:

[rainbow]

Hi i'm so sorry that your feeling like this. Its so hard to believe what the doctors say sometimes, despite having tests that should bring reassurance. I used to worry so much about HIV but would never go for a test and i remember thinking to myself at that time i'd rather get cancer that be HIV positive, because at least there is a chance of a cure with cancer. Now my biggest fear is cancer! Did you feel that the CBT was working? I've just been discharged from mine about a month ago and i'm struggling at the moment with a new worry.

The lump that you feel in your partoid gland, where is that exactly? I have a small lump in front of my ear that i noticed about a year ago. Its moveable and about 1cm in length.My partner also has a small moveable lump just above his jawline that he's had for many years. I think most of us have these strange lumps and bumps on our bodies but those of us without HA probably don't really think much of it.

I hope you get some peace form this worry soon.

[LisaLisa]

Meg and Rainbow thank you so much for your supportive replies. Meg i am very anxious just now, thats something i have to agree with so im going to go with that and just have faith that that is why i am so convinced again. Thank you so much for explaining this to me becuae my anxiety really messes up my ability to see whats happening.

Rainbow I have to say your mention of your lump in your cheek in fron of ear made me feel soooooo much better. Thats exactly where it is. Ist must be something else if anything at all.....my tests are good you a right.

I went and looked again, right or wrong, and found a report for sutypes for my area since 2005 and there werent any odd ones that werent subtyped. They were all the ones that i read could be picked up by the tests and there was only one person who had an unusual one in the whole of scotland so lets face it they could have been from anywhere.

So im feeling a little better but of course my anxiety is currently munching through this already aaaaaaaaaaaa

Sorry to go on so much............

Lisa
xxxx

[meg86]

no probelm hun, i really hope you conquer this fear big hug to you xxx

[blacksheep]

LisaLisa, stop worrying. The test for HIV can tell you if you have the illness, without having to know what strain you have. I am a gay guy and have been barraged with hundreds of messages about HIV in loads of publications (sadly it is still seen as a "gay diseease" so information doesn't filter in the heterosexual community the same) and through work I have done lots of sexual health training. The first point is that HIV is a hard disease to catch, on training I was informed that even if I had unprotected sex with someone with HIV it wouldn't guarantee me getting it, in fact, even if you had sex with lots of HIV people it would not guarantee you becoming infected. Also, I was informed by a very good sexual health nurse that the NHS do not see the disease as dangerous these days as they once did as new treatments offer most people with HIV a life expectancy of 30 years now.
HIV does not actually kill you, AIDS is what kills people, HIV can lead onto AIDs but also does not guarantee that it will develop. I have friends who have lived with HIV for 20 years and have partners who are not infected and still have active sex lives. The symptoms of HIV are so similar to any virus and so if you read other information on none life threatening viruses you would see HIV doesn't have "unique" symptoms - nothing does. You have had tests and they are all clear so stop hunting for super strains and undetectable variants...As for your baby, there is about a 30% chance of the mother passing it onto her new born, so even that isnt guaranteed. You have a healthy gorgeous baby and should be enjoying your life free of this fear. If there was anything in any of your tests then they would have seen it and would have started you on treatment. I hope this helps somewhat to calm you down.

[Gee]

hey lisa my cbt woman (hiv specialst for over 10yrs) reassured me about the strains she said the first test they do is just looking for hiv antibodies OF ANY STRAIN OR KIND then the following further tests they do 3 or 4 which will identify the strain and subtype and that is to see what treatment will be needed - nothing will be missed. we think its just one test they r doing but this isn't true. Also she said it cannot hide and is not hard to find at all. chin up! xxxx

[Stressed32]

Lisa, you are getting much great advice here! 1st of all from blacksheep.....it is just like me with fertility....I know a lot about it because I live with it and work with it....he works in health care and is around STDs and such....you are hearing from him that is it not an easy disease to catch. You know that already! He is an expert on the subject because he works with it and must be careful.

Also, Gee is having cbt from a lady who specializes in cases of HIV phobia.....

You have several people here who are much much more relaible that ANY of those websites you are reading telling you that you are fine and most importantly....YOU HAVE 5 TESTS all negative.

Honey, you have to accept these results and get on with your life. My fear for you is that you will wake up one day and your daughter will be in school and your hubby will be lost (you said you are scared to be with him) and you will not even know how it all happened. There is no need for you to fear your husband or being intimate with him b/c you don't have it....and neither does he....and even if either of you did....you promised in sickness and in health! I have heard SO SO SO many stories of couples where 1 had it and the other didn't and they had active sex for years and it was not passed. We are taught and conditioned to beleive that if you have sex ONE time with a + person you will be infected. I am not saying that is not possible...just highly unlikely. It is the same with pregnancy....we are taught if we have sex ONE time we will get pregnant...bull s***!!!!! I am here to tell you I have SO much sex trying to get pregnant and nothing. That is not always the case for everyone.....and the same holds true for HIV....not impossible to pass but highly unlikely.
As far as strains....you are no scientist...how do you know if what you are reading online is even accurate? You really do not know enough about viruses to make that decision. So instead you are letting your fear on the issue run your life.
You are the most logical person I know! You are able to tell me how stupid I am thinking when I have my moments so you know that what we are all telling you is true. You also know you did the same thing with cancer. Let me ask....if you had HIV (which u don't so please don't misunderstand my question) but if you did....what would be the worse thing that would happen? You would have to take meds and keep yourself healthy...that is it! You could still have babies...they just give c-sections to prevent transmission at birth...you could still have sex....what would you no longer be able to do? AND you would live well into your 70s and by then there will probably be a cure anyway. What are you so scared of?
You are fine....go get the nodes checked out b/c you probably need a good antibiotic! Email me at work and let me know how ur holding up.

Lisa...at some point you are going to have to make a choice...u are going to have to say screw it and live your life or this will run your life and make you ill with worry! Is this how you want to live forever.....you must break this pattern of thinking...for your family :) You are strong and can do it...you have done it before for days on end...you can let this go and you will be ok if you do. HUGS!

[blacksheep]

Lisa, your friend talks very good sense. I have swollen lymph glands quite often in my neck, they are like elevators!!! one day one is up and one is down, one day both are up then both down!!! I asked a Dr once and she said "Yep, some people do have glands that come and go, doesn't mean anything". Also, our lymph glands go up with all manner of viruses, even a common cold can make them play around.
The different strains of HIV are not missed, the test spots them all, the only reason they test for the type of HIV is once you have a positive result - then they know what treatment to offer and get you started on. There is (although in early stages) a vaccine being developed that can reduce your risk by 30% of catching it (a few years off being perfected though) but they do say it indicates a cure could follow. However, don't concern yourself with that as you wont need it as you don't have it.
You need to leave it behind you, love and be with your husband and child free of this fear, 5 tests cannot be wrong, they cant. The testing is done bt professional's who know what they are looking for and they wont miss it 5 times in a row, they wouldn't miss it once in honesty, they cannot afford to.

listen to your friend and read the advice on here...you have nothing to fear. My best mate had the same fear for years, she seemed to stop when I said, if I need a blood transfusion, I want yours as you are healthy!! :)

[LisaLisa]

LisaLisa, stop worrying. The test for HIV can tell you if you have the illness, without having to know what strain you have. I am a gay guy and have been barraged with hundreds of messages about HIV in loads of publications (sadly it is still seen as a "gay diseease" so information doesn't filter in the heterosexual community the same) and through work I have done lots of sexual health training. The first point is that HIV is a hard disease to catch, on training I was informed that even if I had unprotected sex with someone with HIV it wouldn't guarantee me getting it, in fact, even if you had sex with lots of HIV people it would not guarantee you becoming infected. Also, I was informed by a very good sexual health nurse that the NHS do not see the disease as dangerous these days as they once did as new treatments offer most people with HIV a life expectancy of 30 years now.
HIV does not actually kill you, AIDS is what kills people, HIV can lead onto AIDs but also does not guarantee that it will develop. I have friends who have lived with HIV for 20 years and have partners who are not infected and still have active sex lives. The symptoms of HIV are so similar to any virus and so if you read other information on none life threatening viruses you would see HIV doesn't have "unique" symptoms - nothing does. You have had tests and they are all clear so stop hunting for super strains and undetectable variants...As for your baby, there is about a 30% chance of the mother passing it onto her new born, so even that isnt guaranteed. You have a healthy gorgeous baby and should be enjoying your life free of this fear. If there was anything in any of your tests then they would have seen it and would have started you on treatment. I hope this helps somewhat to calm you down.


Thanks you everyone for helping me with this. Stressed32 I have emailed you dear.

Blacksheep, thanks soooooooo much for your reply, i really apprciate you taking the time. You reply was really helpfull thanks you so much. I have read it over a few times, again to day and it has calmed me right down again

Thanks everyone

Lisa
xxxx:hugs: