View Full Version : Relapsed into cancer HA and going downhill again
So. This summer I got married, moved to a new country, got a new job. I also had a colonoscopy and about the millionth ultrasound to investigate the lump in my abdomen, both clear. Also went through a detailed medical exam for the new job, all clear.
Well it didn't last long. The lump in my right lower abdomen is still there (of course as it's been there since I first noticed it in Feruary last year!!!), and though I now know it is not colon cancer, I want to know what it is and I am freaking out, I am breathless ALL the time, and about 90% of my thoughts are about the lump.
Going to the toilet is a nightmare, as OCD-like I use every occasion to investigate the lump and the uneven shape of my belly, I press it until it hurs and I freak myself out every single time that it is slowly growing, and getting painful and harder.
What is that lump??? I am so afraid of cancer and I spend a large part of my day researching cancer in general as strangely it's the only thing that calms me down. What is it though, is it a soft tissue sarcoma or ovarian cancer (unlikely as ovaries measured at just 3cm) or WHAT??????????
And how can I go further into testing what it is? I want a CT scan or an MRI and I don't even have a GP yet over here :(
Somebody help :weep:
blacksheep
02-10-09, 17:18
YOU NEED TO STOP!!!! you are driving yourself up the wall. You body is lumpy and bumpy all over like all of us. maybe it is just muscle, simple piece of healthy muscle sat under your skin doing its job as it should be. I had a lump there too and had ultrasounds and all sorts of test and the Dr, finally prodded it and said.."I have the same lump in the same spot" I think the breathlessness is likely to be anxiety and panic feelings, because the worry is with you so often the anxiety is likely to be there as often. Sometimes anxiety is such a frequent state that we dont even realise we are in it permanently. Are you truly breathless? are you unable to catch it when walking upstairs? do you have to stop half way up because you cant breathe? accept that your body will have natural imperfections and that if there was anything there then the tests you have had would have shown it and as it has gone on for over a year you would have more signs of it being serious than you have. Try and distract yourself from the thoughts when they come and stop researching cancer, the symptoms they list are also symptoms of hundreds of other non serious conditions, Breathlessness for example is a symptom of anxiety - look at the symptom section on here and read it over and over, I did and it calmed me more than any medical website ever did.
Thanks for this. Well the breathlessness is weird, because it feels as if I was constantly keeping my chest tight, holding my breath, and sometimes when I walk and talk at the same time, I do need to catch my breath.
However I went running on Saturday and I wasn't breathless at all during running and I ran for a good hour. And when I feel breathless I feel the same breathless when resting as when moving.
But the lump is worse as it is actually visible. I have never heard of anyone having a visible lump in their abdomen. It has a tendency to slide back inside my abdomen sometimes when lying down (but it's not a hernia) and because it is then no longer visible I haven't managed to properly show it to a doctor yet, but I did get them to carry out a series of ultrasounds and the colonoscopy.
The way I feel is indescribable. Awful is no a strong enough word. I feel like there is nothing worse than feeling this way. :weep:
blacksheep
02-10-09, 21:17
I can understand your fear, I have been there so many times. You have answered your own question about the breathlessness, when you were running (for over an hour!) then you didn't have the same feeling and were fine. I think the likely cause of it is anxiety, the tight feeling is being caused by your muscles tensing up and the breathless feeling is probably down to you shallow breathing (I have had the breathless fear on many occasions!!) I think you are bringing it on subconsciously as you are expecting to feel it and it sneaks up on you as the fear is always rolling around in the back of your thoughts. Maybe next time you feel it you should go for a jog and take your mind off it altogether. After the multiple test you have had then I really think that they would have seen something, I had an ultrasound for my weird lump and the Dr said there was nothing there - the lump has been there years now and hasnt grown or caused any problems. I think this is HA doing what it does best, making the harmless into the worst thing it ever could be. Try and calm yourself and think about the positives, nothing has shown up on any test and your breathless feeling lifts when you go running, which if it was something severe you wouldnt be able to run for 10 minutes let alone 60 :)
BornWorrier
02-10-09, 23:50
You poor love :(
Right - let's look at some facts. When doctors "miss" cancer (very, very rare) it's because it's in a hard to find place, hidden away somewhere. Your lump is visible and palpable - not missable at all! They have checked for cancer, and found that it's not. An oncologist is so experienced they can tell by the feel and look of a lump. So - you don't have cancer. This is a fact. Honestly, hon, it's a fact.
So, what is it? Sounds like a gland to me - we do have them in our abdomen, and they can swell up if you're stressed or have had a minor infection. It may be that all that poking and prodding is keeping it swollen. (Incidentally, without other symptoms, a swollen gland is meaningless. I currently have one in my neck).
Possibly, it could be a lump of fat, or a bit of muscle.
Two things to reassure you - cancerous lumps won't hurt when you mess with them, like yours does. And cancer doesn't move - it's rooted to an organ. The fact that yours "slips back" into your abdomen is a sure sign that this is not a tumour.
The breathlessness is anxiety, absolutely. You know the spiteful things our brains can do to our bodies when we're anxious - and your brain is doing it to you now.
I know how hard this is for you, and I hope this fear releases it's grip soon.
:) xxxxxx
Thanks guys. I climbed a mountain yesterday with no breathlessess (apart from what everyone felt towards the end ha ha) so it does fit the anxiety scenario.
But the problem with this lump is that none of the doctors have properly seen and felt it yet (as it has the tendency to slide back), they kind of just stare at me and say there's nothing there - d'oh I can see there is nothing there at that moment, but if I move a bit it will be there again. They have given me a couple of ultrasounds to reassure and a colonoscopy because my father died of colon cancer, but thankfully that's not it.
It's bigger than a lymph node and it's underneath the muscles :( So I think if it is a benign/normal thing then it might be an organ, like a piece of bowel that slips out of place sometimes due to maybe a weak abdominal wall??
but I don't want to keep guessing, I want a CT and I want a doctor to actually see the stupid thing before they say it's nothing!!
Hi Amu -
What, exactly, does this lump feel like? Is it smooth and sort of sausage shaped? Can you push it around? I mean it is weird, isn't it, because, assuming you aren't imagining it (which, no offence, the HA brain can do...... I should know!!), then it must come and go. Does it? I get a smooth sausage shaped lump on the left side of my abdomen (yours is on the right, isn't it?), which comes and goes. Who know's what it is..... poo perhaps, trapped gas maybe or it could be muscle peristalis (spelling??)....... I also used to freak about bowel cancer (and even had a colonoscopy too), but now I don't (because I am too busy freaking out about breast cancer!!).
It really does not sound like you have cancer. I think what is really happening is your brain can't stop the anxiety, even though the medical tests have proved negative....... the neural pathways are too firmly set!
I really sympathise with you: I spend 80% of my waking time terrified I have breast cancer and obssessively checking myself (and finding all sorts of little things that I fear are cancer)...... I've had scans and doctor checks but I Just. Can't. Stop. Worrying. It's so horrific and all consuming.... so although I'm not worried you have cancer I do know what you are feeling and my heart goes out to you! PM me if fancy.... xxxxx:hugs:
Hi and thanks! Yes I agree with everything you say - I know I have HA and my brain does not function the way it should in a normal person. But this lump is not one of my usual fears, it is so very real. I don't think it's stool moving around because on the right side that is still in liquid format, and this lump is quite firm, also it's always in the same place.
It doesn't come and go in terms of once it's there once it's disappeared, instead I think it just moves, slips back inside my abdomen - but it is not a hernia, and that's the only thing I know that does this. :huh:
This is the thing, that this is not a headache or a lymph node or diarrhoea etc etc that lots of other people have - none of the people I know have an asymmetric abdomen and a moving lump in their right side :weep:
The only thing I cling to is that the ultrasounds (3 of them) were clear, plus I know it's not bowel cancer as the colonoscopy and the stool test were clear.
I don't think I can relax until I get a CT, but there is no way that any doctor in their right mind would give me a CT...
... and you know what, even that I might not believe and want additional tests.:scared15:
PS: I have had the breast cancer fear but my gyneacologist explained that what I feel are just glands.
Oh poor you. I really sympathise......... What do the doctor's think it might be, when you describe it to them? I can imagine what you must be feeling like........ (because I feel the same way)..... but It REALLY REALLY sounds like you DON'T have cancer. Firstly, the chances of a great big lump being missed on all those tests must be minute and secondly what you describe doesn't sound like cancer (cancer tends to be invasive and so fixes onto whatever tissue is surrounding it.... that means it doesn't slip around when pushed.... and thirdly, you've had it a while and it hasn't changed significantly (aggressive cancers are noticably different in a matter of weeks)...... Have you tried any therapy? I'm trying CBT for my breast cancer phobia......... not sure if it works yet or not though!!! xxx
I*m going through the same thing - the "C" word is just too prevalent!
How low in your lower-right abdomen is the lump you*re feeling? I have one that*s maybe 3-4" below the end of my rib cage. It*s possible that you, like me, may have a "wandering kidney" - basically one of your kidneys gets knocked out of place and will drop down to your abdomen. If you lie down on your back, does it go away?
Docs have a hard time finding this because they usually make you lie down when they do ultrasounds, which makes it jump up and disappear into your rib cage. Also, it*s position isn*t fixed, so it won*t always be in the same spot when you*re standing, either. Don*t know if this applies to you, but just saying there are plenty of weird lumps/bumps in the abdomen. Despite what Google will tell you, not everything is cancer :) Hang in there!
Jojo: yes that's true I am holding onto the fact that three ultrasounds should have picked up something that big and also I noticed it 20 months ago now and even though I keep freaking myself out that it is growing, I am still not convinced that it has actually grown. I guess cancer would have definitely grown and it would have spread in such a long time???
Freeme: it's not very low (like ovary-low), it's higher, kind of in the middle. Depending on where it slips :scared15: Yes it goes away usually when lying down and the doctors just see a flat stomach.
I have never heard of a wandering kidney before. Weird stuff!
westofengland
07-10-09, 13:13
Hiya
Have you thought about it this way - the real issue is not the 'symptom' but the fact that you are worrying and obsessing about the symptom. I'm not dismissing your fears, but chances are, once you stop worrying about this health issue, something else will come up to worry you (if you are anything like me). I've had HA about all the common diseases and am currently having CBT treatment. They say that you more you feed the fear - looking up symptoms on Google, seeking reassurance from people - the worse your fear will get. I am trying it now, it's bloody hard, but does seem to be helping. I think we HA sufferers will never get the reassurance we need - nobody can tell us that we are never going to get ill or die, because we will. We want to control what cannot be controlled, and maybe we need to learn to get our fears into proportion and just 'sit with our fear.' I am currently obsessing about a rare cancer too, so I am no expert, just passing on what I have discovered. Good luck
Hi - of course, you are right, I definitely have HA and yes y obsession is an issue and it is very true that if I stop worrying about this symptom I will find something else. However, this fear is different from all my other scares from before, because those were all vague symptoms (headache, breathlessness, difficult swallowing etc) that HA sufferers usually worry about, but this lump is so real and visible and I have been worried about it for a record 20 months. 20 months the same worry! I only had short periods of relief after each test that was carried out.
Aw love love love,I know that feeling..the brief relief that you ARE okay but then it comes back..but you have had this lump for 20 months and you are none the sicker are you? If you were really unwell,something would have happened AND you have had loads of tests and they are all okay.
When I press about the bottom of my back and sides when I am sore(I can get a sore back) it is all lumpy and bumpy and I too got obsessed over this worry shortly after a pelvic infection and I had it in my head that I had cervical cancer and it had spread round to my back..seen the doc,she pressed about and told me that it was merely lumpy bumpy fatty tissue. I have similar behind my legs too. The amount of reassurance we get is never enough though and I'm sorry you are suffering with this. Could you not suggest that it is maybe the dropped kidney or something that someone mentioned before and see what they say?
It's much more likely that this is just a wandering/detached kidney than anything serious, especially if docs have looked and were unable to find anything there. If you keep pressing and poking your kidney, I'm sure it would swell up! I did the same thing when I first discovered mine and had all the same things happen (it started to hurt, swell, etc).
If it's really bothering you, I'd recommend specifically mentioning wandering kidney the next time you go to a checkup and request that the doctor does an ultrasound while you're standing upright rather than lying down. My kidney goes all over the place as well, and it's only been since losing weight and exercising that I've noticed it was there. It's really easy to find something weird and then start pointing all your anxiety-related symptoms at it, thinking it's causing them and is part of a bigger problem; I do this all the time.
Hang in there amu, we all know how tough this stuff can be to go through!
Maybe I'll try to mention it when I go back home at Christmas and try to get another scan. Here in Ireland I don't even have a GP yet... :/
Thanks for your help. I hope I won't go nuts one day because of this...
I am going out of my mind and lost all of my hope. I can see now that my whole abdomen looks completely deformed. The upper right side is now very visibly bigger than the left, the lower right has the lump which has the tendency to move and slide back inside when I am lying down, but it is absolutely HUGE.
I am not starting to tell the story to a new GP here in Ireland as have gone through that many times in the UK and it was always a waste of time, as when I lay down they said there was no lump as it was no longer visible and they refused to send me for tests.
As I had a colonoscopy and ultrasounds done privately, I want to arrange a CT or an MRI privately as well, I am now looking for a way to get examined back home.
I simply cannot live like this anymore. I want to cut this thing out of me. I see cancer everywhere, whenever I read anything about a visible abdominal lump it is always cancer, cancer, cancer, usually stage IV.
And I saw and felt this lump about 20 months ago already, but since then my abdomen has become more deformed.
Why is this happening to me? If it is cancer why couldn't they just diagnose it then??? I just don't understand what else it could be, it looks so horrible. :weep: I hate seeing myself naked, I hate showering, and every time I feel good I have to think about how I have cancer and it will soon end :weep::weep::weep:
And this is not like a headache, it is a visible lump inside my body - I really can't forget about it :weep::weep::weep::weep::weep::weep::weep:
... and now I also have my period and feel even sh*ttier...:mad:
Hi Amu,
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It definitely sounds like the anxiety is taking a hold of your brain in regards to this matter. Please forgive my forwardness - but based on reading the progression in your posts, do you think there could be some body dysmorphia going on? The only reason I say that is because several docs have checked you out several times and none have found anything concerning. By now, if it was anything of concern, they would have found it long ago. Im sure the anxiety you are feeling is making the situation worse, and sometimes we become oversensitive to our own body in the process. Our focus on one specific thing for so long can actually change our view and our reality of the situation. I don't know much about body dysmorphia but do know there is a link to anxiety. Whatever the situation is, I hope you find some relief soon.
Hugs! :hugs:
Hi Valley
I wish! :) But unfortunaltely this is very real, it can be touched and felt.
It could be something non-lethal, simple problem that needs no treatment, like a weak abdominal wall or something that I obsessivly worry about, but in this state it is very hard for me to see the difference and I really need just one proper scan to confirm what's there.
Amu
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