View Full Version : Very Distressed
Although I realise most of you probably think I am worrying about nothing and overreacting, I am getting more and more panicky and distressed about K.
There was no sign of her on any forum yesterday, which is very unusual, as she goes to one a know at least once a day and often several times during the day. I also did not hear from her.
I hardly slept for thinking about her but was hoping you were all going to be right and she would be around today. However, there is still no sign of her at all.
I am so scared that she has had an accident, or someone has hurt her, or she is seriously ill. She might even have been killed and I would never know:(.
I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about her and I am so very totally distraught right now. She has been taken from me and I'll never hear from her again. I can't cope with that. Without her I don't even want to go on.
I am so scared. What has happened to her? I need to know she is OK>
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen,
Try not to worry mate, there could be a million very mundane reasons why she hasn't been around.
Love Piglet
Hi Karen,
you know that this is part of the illness. We catastrophise everything. What if this? What if that? It's always the worst case we lead ourselves to.
It is highly unlikely that anything like this has happened.
Take care,
Trev x
Thanks for all your replies.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think you know of several forums that K frequents. I’m sure if something was seriously wrong then something would’ve been mentioned on one of them by now.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 01 November 2005 : 13:39:52</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Why would there? I doubt it would be the first priority of anyone to notify a forum if something had happened.
I am still panacking.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
She is fine and I've now heard from her[8)].
However, I was right in my other thoughts that I have done something wrong. She is fed up with me now too, not that I blame her at all, and I am panicking that what I'm doing is driving her away.
I'm so stupid and I am ruining everything. What she said in her message is true but maybe I am just past the point of no return. Without her I don't even want to:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
You are not past the point of no return.
Anxiety plays havoc with your reasoning as you know. You know more than I do about all of this stuff. I do realise it is so different when applying it to yourself. Objectivity becomes near impossible.
You can turn it around Karen. It's not easy and it's not overnight (again, as you know) but you can come back.
Wishing you the best,
Trev
Thanks for your reply Trev. It is very difficult to apply any of this knowledge to ourselves.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Right now I don't know how I can even get through tonight, or the next few days.
If K leaves me I'll be so alone. She is the one I cannot live without and being with her would make up for not having the support of my parents or family. Without her I can't do it.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Difficult but not impossible Karen.
We're all with you and know how horrible the anxiety can be.
Trev x
Hi Karen,
I'm sure she is not sick off you, and i doubt she would just stop all contact with you no matter what, all she wants is for you to get better and i suppose it must be frustrating for her sometimes, its not your fault you have an illness that is controlling you and i'm sure K understands that,
I know there isnt much i can say to you but you will never be totally alone as you have the suport off all the people here,
take care Karen
kairen x
There is no evidence that you did anything wrong. She just passed over some things you wrote - thats all.
Its not a disaster and she is not going anywhere
You are in total catastrophy mode
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
Thanks for your reply Kairen. I realise I have other support. I just cannot live without K. She is so important to me.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Meg
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You are in total catastrophy mode
<div align="right">Originally posted by Meg - 01 November 2005 : 19:37:49</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Maybe, but that's because everything that can go wrong keeps going wrong, even if it is all my fault.
Everyone keeps asking me why K should stick around whilst I keep listening to Edie, and I don't deserve her support. I get scared that maybe I am driving her away.
Plus now I have more internet problems and broadband isn't working again. Have had to come on the net on dial up which keeps cutting me off. I am even more panicky now that I won't be able to get online to keep in contact with K. I can't cope without her.
Just feel like I can't take anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
01-11-05, 21:15
Karen
This post is going to sound harsh but you know that I care about you but still have to say it.
Please try and find something else to do other than sit on the internet all day waiting for K.
We know that she is not going to give up her life for you and the best you can ever hope for is emails from her. Even that is driving you mad cos you sit all day waiting for a reply.
You really must find something else to occupy your mind cos it is not doing you any good to dwell on K all day.
She isn't going to save you - I think you truly know that and you have to try and find something else to keep your life meaningful.
Is there nothing else in your life that can rescue you from this? Please don't say no!
I am not sure what the future holds for you but you have to start thinking ahead and find something that will help you along the way.
I know I can't tell you to forget about K but this is real life and she isn't the only thing that will save you.
I am worried that if you keep pushing K she will back off completely and then you will be in total despair.
Karen you need to take control of your life - please - and stop looking for K to cure you and love you because it won't happen and it is doing you no good atall to think she will.
Sorry this is harsh but you have to know that what I say is true and you need to find something else to give you a meaning to your life.
Think about it ok?
Take care
xxxx
Nicola
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about her and I am so very totally distraught right now. She has been taken from me and I'll never hear from her again. I can't cope with that. Without her I don't even want to go on.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 01 November 2005 : 12:36:36</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
There could have been any number of reasons why K didnt contact you yesterday, perhaps she wanted to put some distance between the two of you? You have a dependence on her which must cause her a lot of pressure, and make her worry about you a great deal. But she's not superwoman, maybe she just needed a timeout herself, to collect her thoughts etc before speaking to you again. Im sure that whatever happens she wont allow you to go through this on your own.
I would imagine that if K did have an accident or crisis, then her family and close friends would be the people which needed most consideration and sympathy. Im not trying to belittle what you feel for K, but try to think of her parents, brothers, sisters, partner, children, old friends and it may put it in perspective. Obviously i dont know anything about your relationship but it seems to be based on internet forums and messages, spare a thought for the people who share her life, her home and her memories as well as her time.
Reading that back it does seem im being harsh and i apologise for that, but you reacting in such a dramatic fashion seems to trivialise the feelings which K's family and friends must feel for her, and theyre the people who know her best and need her the most.
I do hope youre feeling better today and more secure, we're all thinking of you and hoping you get better
take care
Alice
Karen
After all this time you have known her and the support she has given you and knowing how you feel about her, she isnt going to abandon you.
She is maybe busy doing other things and again you havent upset her by what you have said like so many other times you have thought that.
Please dont blame yourself and she will be in touch i can assure you of that.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
nomorepanic
02-11-05, 21:19
Karen
I know that you are upset over these comments because you haven't replied all day in here but I was trying to make you understand that you can't realistically have K forever and I wanted you to try and find something else to hang on.
Sorry if I upset you and I understand if you don't want to post here again but I can't take back what I said and pretend that it will all be ok and patronise you into thinking it will be.
Hope you are ok anyway.
Nicola
Hi Karen,
Just off to bed now.
Please don't be hurt by anything that has been said as it really does stem from a genuine concern over a smashing person who we are all getting really worried about.
From my own point of view I feel so frustrated at not knowing how to properly help someone who I have a great deal of time for.
You are without doubt one of the most gentle unassuming and kind people I have come across and I sincerely want to see you get better because I feel there is a lot more to you than you have had the chance to be yet.
Nite nite.
Love Piglet
Karen
I feel awful now, i hope youre not upset by anything that ive said, i didnt say it to hurt you. Sometimes when youre so involved in a situation its hard to tell how it really appears to an outsider. I hope it didnt come across as a personal attack on you, but i know that when i have been depressed in the past its been really hard to see things from other peoples point of view, and it brings things home when certain things are pointed out. I needed things pointed out to me because i was so wrapped up in myself that i couldnt think of things from anothers perspective.
I hope youre feeling better
Alice
Morning Karen,
I actually wanted to ask you a technical question or Nigel if you come on as another 'clever sod' ;) you may know. Lol!!
I know how to reply using a quote but how do I do it if I want to use more than one quote from the same post and can it be done usiing more than one post and from different threads ?????
Thank you either/both of you or anyone???
Love Piglet :)
Hi Karen
What i think Alice and everyone is saying is that when you are down it is easy to miss the obvious and at times it needs to be said....i call it my kick up the arse when people point out to me things i should be told.
I hate to use the words"you have to be cruel to be kind" [V] but it is because people care that they have to speak the truth at times or you just live in deception and that is never an answer but a prison :( it is better to face truth and find happyness from that foundation stone than to be forever stuck in self deception that leads to misery and dispair [B)]
You can do better than what you think ;)
Hope you are ok Karen.
Keep Strong hun. Everybody hear wants to help you as well we are all here for you to you know that hun.
Take care,
Love PIP'S X X X X
Ooh, well maybe I could give that a go.
Now get back to work clever sod[}:)]
Love Piglet:)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
nomorepanic
04-11-05, 17:55
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Ooh, well maybe I could give that a go.
Now get back to work clever sod[}:)]
Love Piglet:)
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 03 November 2005 : 14:09:11</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Piglet to use quotes you need to surround the text with the HTML code for it (Don't I sound flash eh[^][^])
So you type in [ quote ]text[ /quote ] but omit the spaces between the [ and the word quote and ] and the [ / and the word quote.
Does that make sense????
As for linking to other posts I think all you can do is copy and paste the text then put it in as a quote again.
Nicola
I don't post here as much as some of you, but I do read most everything and I have been following your posts, Karen.
Nicola is right. It devastates me and sends me into pure panic just to think about losing someone who means the world to me - my family (husband and kids) or even my own parents. They're not going to be here forever and I just can't even fathom that. Just this week my husband went out for a walk and he didn't call me at work when he got back like he usually does. I started freaking out and was going to leave work early because I was terrified something had happened to him. I was totally panicking and embarrased myself at work because I later found out he was fine (he just hadn't taken his cell phone with him).
Every one of us feels panicked sometimes when we fear our loved one(s) have left us for some reason.
I do think that you may be at the point where this relationship is becoming obsessive and potentially detrimental to your recovery.
I hope that things are better for you today.
Hi Karen,
I am presuming you have not been on because of the computer - this must be awful for you and I really hope you get back online very soon.
We are missing you:(
Love Piglet x
Hi Karen,
Just saying hello (Sunday).
So you know we are still thinking about you.
HOpe you get back on soon.
Love Piglet:)
Hi Karen,
Hope you are ok.
Please come and let us know how you are getting on if you are able to.
Take care
Tammy x
nomorepanic
06-11-05, 16:45
Karen is ok - she has emailed me.
She just needs some time out for a while so please try not to worry about her - I will keep in touch with her and send her all your well wishes.
Thanks all for caring so much I know she appreciates it.
Nicola
Thanks for letting us know Nic,
Send her my love.
Take care,
Love PIP'S X X X X
Cheers Nic,
please send her my best wishes also.
Trev
Oh that's good to hear - please pass her my best wishes.
Love Piglet:)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hope all is ok Karen - we miss you!! :D
"If life were simple, word would have got around"
Thank you all for the very kind messages of support. I certainly don’t believe I deserve to have such caring friends after the way I have acted over the past week or so. I am very sorry if I caused any concern. I felt that I was worrying and upsetting everyone with some of what I have been posting here and I don’t want to do that.
I also needed to take some time out because I’ve been feeling pretty distressed and upset. I am ok but have not been feeling the best in myself. I am very tired and have had several days where I have stayed in bed practically all day, needing to sleep but not being able to.
So I probably overreacted to a few things that were said here. Part of the problem is that I already feel so guilty and ashamed of my feelings for K and the way this makes me behave. I know I am obsessive and that most of the times I panic there is actually nothing to panic about, but because she is so important to me, I get scared of losing her and just can’t help it. I realise no one wants to hear this, but if someone told me now that I have to live the rest of my life without her then I wouldn’t want to live. My feelings for her are so strong and, rightly or wrongly, she keeps me going and hanging on in there.
K does repeatedly tell me that she is not going to ‘come and rescue me’ and that I can’t be with her in the way that I dream about, but it is those dreams that give me something to hope for and make my days pass slightly more bearably. Most of the time I feel like I am merely existing and not living a life at all, and there are times when I no longer what to live. When I feel like this I think of K and what she would say if she were with me and somehow this gives me the strength to carry on. Living in a dream world is preferable to facing the realities of my life and it is all I can do at the moment.
I don’t want to dredge up everything that was said on here a week ago but there are a couple of things I do feel I need to respond to, namely:
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I am worried that if you keep pushing K she will back off completely and then you will be in total despair.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote"> and
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You have a dependence on her which must cause her a lot of pressure, and make her worry about you a great deal.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
K has reassured me numerous times and on countless occasions that she will not leave me. She made a promise to me that she would stand by me through this and however long it takes. I often think I have done something so bad that I might leave her with no choice other than to walk away, but she tells me there is nothing I could do that would cause this to happen.
I worry that she might think I am stalking her and it is getting too much for her. However, she reassures me that this is not the case – she said I am not harassing her in any way and act responsibly when it comes to my contact with her.
She told me I could quote her as saying “Do stop beating yourself up. It is pointless and unnecessary. I’ve told you before that you aren’t doing anything to me! I am not being hurt or disturbed or pressured by anything you say or do. I’m quite OK, thank you, and not suffering one bit.”
Secondly:
[quote]<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I would imagine that if K did have an accident or crisis, then her family and close frien
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Big hello - we missed you heaps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love Piglet :):)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
hi karen,
so pleased you are back!!! :D
it was like something was missing from the site for a while there!! Glad you are ok. and dont worry at all, we all need time out from time to time, its only natural.
It is hard to give advice to you, because you are so damn clever you already know it!!! and we all know that applying it to ourselves is the hard part!!
If your attachment to K is what keeps you trying then I'm certainly not going to knock it. If she is what you need right now then let it be. You just need to build up your own confidence slowly slowly and you WILL get there..
Thanks for explaining your lack of correspondence lately, I totally understand.
Glad you're back though!
Lisa
xxx
"do not fear to hope...Each time we smell the autumn's dying scent, we know that primrose time will come again"
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Big hello - we missed you heaps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love Piglet :):)<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 09 November 2005 : 18:55:52</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">Aww thanks Piglet. I missed all of you too. You might have known I couldn't stay away for too long!:)
Thanks for the welcome back.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I'm so pleased that you have decided to return and to also address the things that were said that have caused you distress. That has taken great courage, well done.
So, you may have overreacted to things that were said. I overreact to everything, everyday, continually. We all know that us sufferers are a sensitive lot!
You DO deserve the friendship of people on here. Just cos you are going through a hard time doesn't mean that you are any less important than anyone else on here. We all have awful problems, we are all drawn here because we all suffer to varying degrees, but each and everyone of us are important and deserve the support of others as we in turn will support them.
I also feel guilty and ashamed of how I deal with my problems, feel that I am a terrible person. I also have the added guilt of ruining my kids lives as well as my own. But, we are who we are and there isn't anything ever going to change that fact.
Karen, you are upsetting and offending no one. This is a public forum. People can CHOOSE to read/reply to your posts, no one makes them do either.
Don't ever feel that you have to stay away ;)
Love Kate xx
Hi Lisa
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">so pleased you are back!!! :D
it was like something was missing from the site for a while there!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thank you so much. I am overwhelmed by all the messages that have been posted here while I have been away. I just needed some time out to compose myself a bit after getting into quite a state last week.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It is hard to give advice to you, because you are so damn clever you already know it!!! and we all know that applying it to ourselves is the hard part!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks! If only it were as easy to practice what we preach! I wouldn't say I know it all but I do know enough that I ought to be able to put my knowledge to use in helping myself. It is just not that easy though.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">If your attachment to K is what keeps you trying then I'm certainly not going to knock it. If she is what you need right now then let it be.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I really appreciate that. K is what I need right now and this is really what I hope to convey from my post tonight, so that maybe it helps others understand a little better aboutmy feelings for her and why I need her so much.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Kate
Thanks for replying. I can't believe all the welcome backs I am getting and so soon after posting. I've been feeling really bad about how upset I got and for staying away the way I did.
I guess it is true that we all overreact in our own ways. I just think I was doing rather too much of it and didn't feel able to respond while I was in such a distressed state. I didn't want to say something wrong or hurt anyone.
You are right that the forum is a place for mutal support. I think I have been doing rather a lot of taking and not much giving recently though. It is not that I don't want to offer support to others, I just felt I had lost my way rather and didn't have anything worthwhile to contribute.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I also feel guilty and ashamed of how I deal with my problems, feel that I am a terrible person. I also have the added guilt of ruining my kids lives as well as my own. But, we are who we are and there isn't anything ever going to change that fact.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
You are not a terrible person Kate. You are kind, caring and sensitive - I suppose we are all a bit too sensitive at times. It also is not true that you are ruining your kids lives. That definitely is negative interpretation on your part. Anyone can tell how much you love them and you are doing your best for them. That is all you can do.
What you say about people making a choice whether to reply or not is true I suppose. I just felt like I was causing a lot of upset with what I had been saying.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen - so glad to see you back!
Love Sue - watching from the sidelines!
Thanks Nigel and Sue.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Karen, im so glad youre back!
Im sorry if what i said upset you, i didnt mean it too and i apologise because it was obviously the wrong thing to say. I had no intention of hurting you or making you feel even more guilty, i just thought that it might put things in perspective, but i admit to being highly inarticulate and messed it up as usual lol
It hasnt been the same on here without you, im sorry if you have had a hard week, ive missed following your posts as have most people on here. Its good to see that your still here and still fighting. From now on i shall only say supportive things and happy thoughts of bunnies and puppies and flowers lol
best of luck, welcome back
Alice xx
Hi Alice
Thanks for your reply. There is no need to apologise for saying what you thought might help and, if anything, I am probably oversensitive, particularly when it comes to K. I wouldn't say you are inarticulate at all, nor did you 'mess up'.
My post tonight was mainly to explain how I feel about K and I felt it important to let everyone know that K is perfectly fine about everything. I often post saying I feel bad and guilty for what I am doing to her but she tells me I am not doing anything to her and it is all in my imagination. I just felt it might help you all understand a bit more about my attachment issues and also I seem to feel permanently guilty about just about everything.
I really appreciate you welcoming me back. I have missed being here too and hope we can all draw a line under this now and move on.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">From now on i shall only say supportive things and happy thoughts of bunnies and puppies and flowers lol
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No need to go quite that far! I do acknowledge that I often have irrational thoughts and other people (including K) do point this out to me. Sometimes I need it. I suppose everything just combined together to get on top of me last week and I have been feeling rather overwhelmed with so many things happening at once, as well as not feeling very well.
Hope to see you around the forum!
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
karen
i love talking about bunnies im slightly obsessed with my two rabbits lol
im so pleased that youre back, i understand that you needed to take some time out, but it really wasnt the same without you on the forums! Im glad that K will always be there for you, so will everyone on here too :-)
hope youre feeling better, how have things gone on the househunting front?
xx
Thanks Alice.
Rabbits are cute!
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">how have things gone on the househunting front?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Alice - 09 November 2005 : 21:04:40</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
A subject for another post I think[:O].
This is another area of my life currently causing me a lot of stress. I seem to be incapable to making a decision I can stick to.
I decided to go with renting, at least for now, because I thought it would be easier but even that is complicated. I found a flat that seemed ok - quiet and safe at least - but now I can't move on that until I have exchanged contracts on my house sale and from moving really quickly nothing seems to be happening. In the meantime, the Agents for the rental flat are pressuring me and saying that if I want the flat I have to put down the full deposit and a month's rent in advance or they can't continue to hold it - I had put down a small holding deposit. I realise their client needs to be earning rent on it but they originally told me the holding deposit would hold the flat for 4 weeks.
I don't know. It seems to be one thing after another and I can't think about it clearly anymore.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
estate agents are always a nightmare, lol i know i used to work in one! Sorry things arent going smoothly, it often seems like things are all going to go wrong but then at the last minute they sort themselves out and everything is ok. i have my fingers crossed for you!
my rabbits are a bit pampered really, they have a hutch outside in the yard, but when its cold (ie all the time now) i have them in a large cage under the stairs and let them scamper around inside, where they get thoroughly spoiled by everyone lol. And now when i let them outside in the day (when its not raining, god they really are spoiled haha) all they do is sit in a corner and wait until they can come back inside! oh dear, my rabbits are wimps, but i ilove them anyway lol
take care
xx
Hi Karen,
glad you are back and ok. :D
Don't be "bullied" into paying money out to these guys. Do what is right for YOU.
All the best,
Trev
Hi again Karen,
one thing I just wanted to say that is meant in a very helpful way.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">K has reassured me numerous times and on countless occasions that she will not leave me. She made a promise to me that she would stand by me through this and however long it takes.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
The one thing that hit me straight away with this comment was that it doesn't really give you an incentive to progress, if you know what I mean?
It implies that K will not be there if you are ok and therefore there is no incentive for you to progress. In short, it is in your interest not to get well in respect of K's attention.
I mean this post to be a positive appraisal from an outside, objective point of view, that's all. I want to see you make progress and it just seems that there is an obvious barrier there in a way. Do you see what I mean Karen?
Just wanted to point it out really in case you were not aware of it. I wasn't going to post it at first but I didn't feel right not posting it really. I hope you take it in the positive context in which it is intended. :)
Hoping you are feeling better,
Cheers,
Trev
good to see you back.
luv
jenny
Hi Karen,
It is lovely to see you back and ok. Glad you are feeling more able to post again.
The estate agents surely should hold it for as long as they said they would, don't let them pressure you!
Tammy x
Hi Alice
Those bunnies certainly do sound pampered!!!
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">estate agents are always a nightmare, lol i know i used to work in one! Sorry things arent going smoothly, it often seems like things are all going to go wrong but then at the last minute they sort themselves out and everything is ok. i have my fingers crossed for you!
<div align="right">Originally posted by Alice - 10 November 2005 : 12:20:38</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
You know how these things work then! It is my fault in a way because I should just ring them and find out what they want but I think they will pressure me so I am avoiding doing it.
On the other hand this flat seems like my only option at the moment so I don't want to lose it either. I think I need to email my solicitor tonight and see if they can push for a date for exchange of contracts.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Thanks Jenny and Tammy for your messages.
I am feeling a bit calmer than I was last week and just needed time to collect my thoughts and rest.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Trev
Thanks for you reply and the welcome back.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">The one thing that hit me straight away with this comment was that it doesn't really give you an incentive to progress, if you know what I mean?
It implies that K will not be there if you are ok and therefore there is no incentive for you to progress. In short, it is in your interest not to get well in respect of K's attention.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It's ok I do see what you mean and I have already admitted myself that I do think I have more of her attention while I am so ill. It is not really the attachment that has made any difference to my contact with her; it is (in my head anyway) since I have been so ill with anorexia that she has been in contact more frequently.
However, at the same time it is a constant battle - again in my head - between amount of contact and quality contact. All the time I am ill and remain so attached to her and obsessed, the only contact I can have with her is through messages, because she doesn't want to do anything to encourage my attachment. Whereas, if I get better there is normal, healthy friendship on offer and she has said we can meet up and it will be an equal relationship, rather than what we have at the moment where I rely on her completely to meet all my needs for attention.
We have an arrangement for a lunch date booked for when I am better. This really should give me incentive to want to get better and be able to enjoy a normal relationship with her. But somehow I still cling to my fantasies of being with her in the way I need right now, which is for her to love me and look after me.
I have taken your comments as trying to help and being supportive. At the moment I am thinking a bit more rationally than I was last week. Thanks for your support.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
That's good Karen,
Maybe you've been through this already and I may have come in late with the same comment as someone else, so apologies if that's the case.
You have the incentive of a normal relationship as you say so it sounds like you have dealt with that point I made.
Hope the house stuff gets sorted to your satisfaction and quickly! :D
All the best,
Trev
Hi Trev
Thanks again for your reply. No need to apologise. I can't really remember if anyone here has made this point before, but I have talked about this Jill (my therapist) and K also knows.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You have the incentive of a normal relationship as you say so it sounds like you have dealt with that point I made.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Trev - 10 November 2005 : 19:46:31</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Not exactly dealt with but everyone involved knows the problem exists. I know it is keeping me stuck where I am to a certain extent, although there are other factors too, but I am at the point where I can't envisage not needing her in the way I do at present.
In fact, I am struggling rather today because I've not had contact and until an hour ago had been panicking that I hadn't seen her online all day (again).
Thanks for your good wishes about the flat. I'll just have to hope it works out I suppose. Finding somewhere to live really ought to be rather high on my list of priorities but it isn't.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I know it is keeping me stuck where I am to a certain extent, although there are other factors too, but I am at the point where I can't envisage not needing her in the way I do at present.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I suppose this does form part of the crux of your problem then really. I think that it's a very positive factor that you are at least aware of it. OK, so dealing with our problems is not an easy or quick process, but at least you can deal with it if you know what it is!
Do you feel like you have made progress on this issue?
The house thing will shake itself out in time. Don't be pushed into areas you don't want to be. Not suggesting you will but sometimes we can make snap decisions if put under pressure by others.
Take care,
Trev :D
Have been listening to music because I can't sleep and then suddenly got upset and felt like crying when a certain song came on. I couldn't work out why at first but then the memories came flooding back of when I was a child and another example of being rejected by mum.
It was the song that brought it all back because she used to play it on the piano. I remember this one time when she was playing it with my brother sitting next to her at the piano. First the was playing the song and then encouraging my brother to play some of the notes. I wanted to join in, to feel part of things and to get her attention I suppose. But she wouldn't let me and pushed me away, telling me I should know better because I was older and my brother wanted to play the song with her.
I think I was about 7 or 8 at the time and afterwards asked for piano lessons. Maybe I thought it could be a way of doing something with her. My brother wasn't interested really. Shortly after that she sold the piano and I never did get to learn to play properly.
Sorry... I'm on a bit of a downer now as it suddenly upset me and now makes me think of K and want to be with her even more:(.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
nomorepanic
10-11-05, 22:30
Karen
Sorry to hear this. I have those moments sometimes when I remember things from the past and they really hurt don't they? :(
I know you had a rough time with your mum and she had no right to treat you like she did and I feel for you on that one.
Those moments - though they make us cry - are to be remembered and I know it hurts but they are there for a reason and to remind us of things we either loved or hated.
I don't think I have told this before on here but when my dad was at his worst with his drinking he used to sleep on the park bench and I used to go to him and beg him to go home and he wouldn't. Those dreams come back to me a lot - seeing him there on a bench and not being able to change anything. I used to beg him to no avail. :(
Sorry - you got me started now as well.
Thinking of you and hope you can go back to sleep soon.
Nicola
Hi Nic
Sorry, I didn't mean to start you off too.
I was just daydreaming with the music on in the background, not properly asleep, and the memory just came flooding back. I just needed to tell someone.
The memory of your dad sounds like it still hurts a lot too. It is hard I guess because when these things happened when we were children, we were unable to understand why they couldn't hear our cries and pleas for love, or attention, or just for them to be there at home.
I am sorry you had to go through that but thank you for sharing it with me. I know lots of others have painful memories from childhood too and mostly I just block mine out now. This one seemed to come from nowhere.
Sometimes I think it would help if I could cry when I get upset like this but I rarely do. I am crying inside but can't actually let the tears out.
Hope you are not too upset.
Love
Karen x
nomorepanic
10-11-05, 22:50
Karen
Hey it is ok. I just really felt touched by your post and wanted to relate something similar though it isn't really cos my dad is dead and your mum is alive and still choses to ignore you.
He never listened to us lol and I was about 18 at the time so I still remember it well.
A good cry is great - I do it a lot. It release all that tension that you feel.
You hang on to those memories but try to also remember good ones - are there some?
Thanks for caring karen
Nicola
Glad you are ok Nic. I could relate to what you said. It is still the same kind of rejection, no matter what age.
I suppose it just hit me a bit tonight that I got so upset when I thought I was dealing with the situation with mum a bit better, or at least I thought I was learning to accept it. I suppose it never goes away completely.
There are some better memories I guess, although not really any of being close to mum. Maybe it is just that the painful ones block out any good ones there were. All I really remember is always being pushed away by her, which is why I have had these attachment issues with a couple of different women in my life, it is just that each one has become more intense. I suppose I am still searching for that mother-figure deep down.
Some of my earliest memories from school are spending lunchtime breaks walking around the playground with one of the teachers because she showed me more care (emotional care anyway) and attention than my mum ever did.
I'll be ok in a while. Think I'll watch some TV or something to distract myself.
Thanks for caring Nic.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
A bit belated, but I just want to give you a 'Welcome Back' too.
The only way I can get away from this forum is by going away on holiday, so you did well to stay away!
You have loads of support on here, and I hope that over time you can continue to develop more and more friendships. Eventually, you may find you have so many people around you that you will not need any obsession for a mother figure in the way you need now.
OK, maybe I'm looking a long way off, but its something to ponder over, yeah?
Be Strong
Ray
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Nigel
Thanks for your message.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It’s amazing what associations between emotions and situations we carry around inside our minds, waiting to be triggered when we least expect it. And that’s the time when they hit us like that – when we least expect it.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 10 November 2005 : 23:49:50</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That is true. I think the memories are there but sometimes when they are not pleasant we want to block them out rather than remember and deal with the difficult emotions.
Blocking out things that hurt doesn't really work though and it only takes the tiniest reminder to stir things up again. There are many memories like this that I know are there but I don't want to think about them because of the distressing emotions that are triggered.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Ray
Thanks for the welcome back.
I do realise I have a lot of friends here and all the messages of support over the past couple of days have made me realise just how lucky I am to have so many people who care about me.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Eventually, you may find you have so many people around you that you will not need any obsession for a mother figure in the way you need now.
<div align="right">Originally posted by clickaway - 11 November 2005 : 00:33:00</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Unfortunately it doesn't seem to work like that. My need for K is different to and separate from other friendships. If only it were that easy.
I can't really see a time when I will ever not need her or want to be with her.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Trev
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Do you feel like you have made progress on this issue?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Trev - 10 November 2005 : 20:46:14</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Not really, no. If anything my feelings get stronger and I feel a greater need to be with her now.
My way of avoiding being pushed into anything by letting agents is avoiding their phone calls at present. Not a very good way of dealing with it I know. I keep hoping I'll hear something from my solicitor about my house sale before I have to talk to the agent about the rental flat.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
At the moment I am not feeling very proud of myself because I am being so needy with K and I think I am being manipulative again. I am so desperate to be with her and I keep telling her that I need her. It is so pathetic. I know I'm not a child and should be able to look after myself and not want her to take care of me.
I just am tired and don't want to be alone. I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel right now.:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Feeling very distressed again tonight and I just can't take it. I haven't heard from K for the second day running and I think my increasingly distressed messages to her have gone too far.
I am feeling so low tonight. I finally fell asleep for a couple of hours and was dreaming about her. I didn't want to wake up. Just wish I could go to sleep and be with her in my dreams and never wake up:(
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
I think we all have dreams that we don't want to wake from. I always have dreams about someone I was close to who died and sometimes think how great it would be to stay asleep forever.
The I wake up and know I need to make the most of everyday, even if I don't feel like it.
I know it's hard Karen and I don't have any advice for you (that makes a nice change I hear you say lol) just wanted to say hi and show some support.
Tammy x
Hi Tammy
Thanks for replying. It doesn't matter that you don't have any advice. The support is always welcome.
I am just feeling really low again at the moment and I am scared I have done something wrong. K rarely ever goes two days without sending me a message unless she is away, in which case she warns me about this.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Then I wake up and know I need to make the most of everyday, even if I don't feel like it.
<div align="right">Originally posted by tammyg - 11 November 2005 : 18:37:24</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I guess that is my problem really. I don't feel able to make the most of each day. There isn't anything to make the most of. I feel I am just existing and passing time rather than actually living.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Karen,
Occasionally I will hear a certain song and it will remind me of a memory (sometimes very painful) and also certain smells do it for me too. Like the smell of certain trees from when I was little or the smell of grass reminding me of the school playing field. Some memories are nice ones and some are tinged with a sort of sadness. I guess thats where aromatherapy has its roots.
Love Piglet :)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
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