When nothing works anymore...

[PoppyC]

Hi
I am trying so hard to be positive, and I take my medication and do everything self help and eat everything healthy there is according to the mental health diet sheets and I was feeling so much better a while ago but I dont know what is happening now
I just seem to have cut everyone out of my life including my family, (my family were treating me badly though so for the sake of how upset I was getting due to the arguments I cut them out and we now have no contact at all) but not my son obviously.He is the one person that I live for.
I know it sounds mad but I dont feel comfortable around people and I don't trust them and I find people strange - but not ones with mental health problems - I fit right in with people like that as though we have something in common and shared.
I cry lots every day and I find it so hard to relax unless my tablets have kicked in.
I feel everyone is having a better time even though I try to tell myself maybe under the surface they are not.
I just feel like I am outside looking in at everyone who is having some great time in life. I feel that the people who are in my life - my boyfriends family and friends - don't like me. I can tell they think I am odd by things that have been said and just by their reactions and what they have said about me to my boyfriend - you can just tell can't you.
I am so bitter towards my boyfriend, even though he is supportive and understanding mostly, because he is always so happy and has a full life with lots of friends and interests. I have never ever met anyone like him who is permanantly happy and positive. I am the exact opposite! I know I should not be bitter but maybe its jealousy of why he is so happy and contented in life and I am going crazy! I think he expects me to keep on smiling despite how I feel and it is so hard to do that. I told him from now on I am going to be me and I am not going to pretend everything is ok with me when its not. Why should I keep smiling just to keep him feeling fed up with me. If he had a broken leg I wouldn't expect him to carry on walking on it no matter how painful just to please me.
I dont know why he stays with me. I am so screwed up. I suppose I am jealous of him and the life he leads. I don't tell him this though.
I feel like I am rapidly going downhill and just so unhappy and I am worried because what is there left for me to make me feel any better. I would be happy with just feeling a bit better. I dont think I will ever feel 100% better and I would be happy just to feel a teeny bit better.
I feel like I am drifting away from everything and everyone.
My agoraphobia is back with a vengeance.
I have been like this for over a year or so now. I had a breakdown and then started picking up on my medication and I can tell the medication works and I wouldn't be without it but yet I have now started feeling like this. When will it ever end???
I have a massive headache constantly at the moment and other little ailments caused by the constant upset. I am trying to be really positive and its just not happening.
I keep thinking of leaving my boyfriend just so he doesnt have to be around miserable me anymore and can find a girlfriend who is happy and full of life, who doesnt get anxiety,agoraphobia, and depression. He is such a lovely good person and I really cant understand why he stays with me. I keep telling him to go and find someone else.He says he stays with me because he loves me, however you dont just stay put with someone because you love them, if they are making you miserable do you???
I am worried I am going to be like this for life. I really think I would be better alone as then at least I wouldn't have to bother about anyone else with the way I am feeling. Does anyone else feel like this???:weep:

[melmulley]

Hi, I can soo relate to what your saying, I feel like walking out on my husband because he deserves someone happy & contented. I am signed off work but my boss keeps leaving pathetic comments on facebk trying to make me feel even worse for letting her down :weep: Im on verge of jacking job in cos I cant take the extra pressure added. Depression signs are feeling low self-esteem & worthless so I guess this is where our not feeling good enough for other people comes from :huh: I hope that we find the strength to build ourselves up again :)
Take care
Melxx

[Mandylou]

PoppyC needs a really big Mandylou hug :bighug1:This is a bad day for you and you know that not every day is like this. Your boyfriend stays with you because he LOVES YOU - everything that makes you - you. That includes all of your problems. Come on now I need you to go on the word game and catch me up! Loads and loads of hugs - you are not on your own as you know from our previous posts. :bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:

[paullong]

Can i just say sod everybody! Try not to worry what others believe or think. They cant help being ignorant! Concentrate on you and getting well cause thats the only way forward and the only thing thats important right now. The ignorance and negativity of others just keeps you down god help them if they suddenly had to deal with this, attitudes would change then!
paulx

[suzy-sue]

:bighug1:A big hug first of all Poppy ,Its really not suprising you are feeling like you do .You have had a lot of bad stuff to deal with ,you are just feeling the aftermath of it all .The problems you have just been thru with your family has added to this terrible negative outlook you have developed Especially about your self .You feel like shutting out the world because you cant deal with the constant put downs .It makes you feel safe and secure being on your own ,there ,no one can hurt you anymore & make you feel worse ..Your boyfriend loves you ,warts and all .:yesyes:.Thats what love is ..pay no mind to what his family want for him .Its nothing to do with them ,its about what he wants, and he wants you .As ive said before ,your sister is insensitive and you are better off with out all that aggro .I hope she never has to go what youve been thru ,well actually I do:blush: even for a week .it would change her attitude . W.hen someone is low and suffering ,they need peace and understanding ,you dont get better overnight .With the right support I know youll start to feel better .You will always find that here .Start to be kinder to yourself ,and stop feeding off the negativity ,Think of the good things you have in your life ,such as your son ,partner and cats .You also have lots of people who care about you here The rest will come naturally as you start to heal .Each day is a step nearer to being well again ,you will get there eventually and we will all be here for you .Take care Luv Sue :hugs:xxx:hugs:xx

[Joellie]

Hey poppy, I know that if your condition made your boyfriend unhappy he wouldnt stay, love or not. So surely that proves he is ok? You probably feel like hes unhappy because you are, not with him, but with yourself.

Just take one thing at a time. You may have cut off your family, but they are family and will always want you back even if you dont get along. But if your not up for that right now thats ok, Maybe start a new hobby or join a social club? Something to meet new people? Phone an old friend etc try and ease yourself back into the social setting?I know its hard i hate social settings even if its with people i get along with.

Sorry your feeling upset but hang on in there and if you feel your medication isnt working maybe its time to try something new?

[PoppyC]

Thanks for all replies and all the hugs! I really am glad I have you on this site to turn to.
A lot has happened since my last message. I ended up having an argument with my boyfriend (It must be my week for arguments!) and I tried explaining to him how I am feeling. Did he listen??? No,he just said he spends so much time away because I am always miserable and won't join in with anything, that if the tablets can't sort my head out well then I have to, and that I am a pyschotic nutter and maybe I should leave. He then went out and is not back until tomorrow and then away again. What was I saying about him being a lovely boyfriend earlier??? lol
I was really upset but somewhere in between my crying I thought I don't care and maybe I should be on my own to get myself sorted out without the worry of this relationship and that it may turn out to be a good thing.
I know it can be difficult for people to understand how we feel but I don't expect name calling. It really does hurt. I then start getting anxious and panicky inside thinking am I pyschotic?
I am having a large glass of wine (I know I shouldn't but after today I feel like I want one) and reading the messages. Thank you so much because your words have really helped.
I will start being sociable again but I have to get over the agoraphobia and the uncomfortable feeling I get when around others.
Maybe I will go and see my gp and see what he thinks.I can see him putting me on 60mg citalopram but if it helps more than I will take it.
Sue - Thank you as ever too for your helpful kind reply and the hug:flowers:.
:hugs:

[candee86]

Hey Poppy!!
Hope you are feeling a bit better at least! Look I dont think you should leave your boyfriend unless he does something to hurt you that is not salvagable! He is with you because he wants to....just remember he would leave you if you made him miserable all the time and thought you were really a 'psychotic nutter'. We all say hurtful things when we are angry and things we dont really mean!
Secondly, I think a visit to your GP is the best thing :) see what they think they can do to help...have you tried CBT? Help you change your thoughts to positive ones and realise how amazing you really are :)
Also in your first post you mention a mental health list for the healthy eating diet list? Where is that? I would be really interested in following this as I am also trying to sort my anxiety out but I eat really badly lol.

Hugs hunny

Candy xxx

[Bill]

I just find it So sad that people who suffer from anxiety are So misunderstood and So badly mistreated.

I wonder sometimes, which is more important? To love someone or to care about them? Sometimes I feel we can love someone because of the love they give us but when someone becomes ill, the love the person needs disappears but when you care about someone, you still care for them even when they're ill.

I mean, I can honestly say I don't stay with my wife because I love her - I stay because I care and I don't want her hurt and made ill again. If I can look after my wife with her mental illness then why can't people treat anxiety sufferers properly when they simply feel so afraid of everything? How does losing your temper and calling them names help to comfort someone with anxiety, even during an upsetting argument?

I just find it very sad when such lovely people are made to feel so unimportant and worthless when they're the Most Special people ever put on this Earth because they Care so much about others. If only people would treat them in the same way.:shrug:

Love and Hugs Sweet Poppy for Being one of those Very Special people.........whether you feel it or not! No matter what others may think or say, nothing will ever change the Special person you Are!:bighug1:

[Joellie]

Hey poppy, thats sad :( I think in arguments things get said sometimes. And i know it doesnt make up for what he said, but loved ones also have some pressure to them because they feel they cannot make you better. My boyfriend often got annoyed with me asking "do you still love me" because he felt that he was trying to make me feel loved yet i was always just asking and he wanted to make me feel better but was powerless to. Same with the anxiety now he gets really upset because he cant help me and sometimes gets stressed out. He may have said those things in anger but i think it is repairable if you wanted to repair it. Ive been called psychotic before by my sister and that really hurt so i know the pain of it.

Its your call really. If it was my boyfriend id be angry but i think id forgive him if he gave me a reason to.

[PoppyC]

Just read all the replies which I am grateful for. Thank you for your advice and kind words.
I woke up feeling a lot better today and although my anxiety is a little worse, I feel much better.
I have upped my dose today and hopefully this will help.
I seem to be having a lot of 1 day good and 1 day bad at the moment. Not sure why. I keep wondering if I am Bi Polar however I don't get the extreme highs. Do you have to have extreme highs and lows to be Bi Polar?
Bill - As always thank you for your reply. You sound a lovely person and very wise too.
I am joining the quiz on here later tonight so will be back online then.
Hugs to you all for being so supportive :hugs:
P.s Candee - If its ok with you can I pm you the MIND diet sheet info that I have?

[suzy-sue]

[SIZE="3"][Glad you are feeling a bit better Poppy .:hugs:Perhaps the upset and a combination of the wine last night has made your anxiety worse today .I know alcohol always does with me ..I honestly dont think you are Bipolar ,I have known people with that and have a friend who has it and you do have episodes of being hyper or manic ,you have never sounded like you have been in that state of mind ..You dont seem to of had a period of time without any stress for a long time ..It wont help you get on an even keel .Im sure your boyfriend will be sorry like the last time ,but there is no excuse to be so unkind ,its the last thing you need .Kick him in the butt from me ..lol.What dose are you going to up your Citalopram up to ? Remember it may make you feel tired ,like last time .Hope it helps you get back on track ..Try to get plenty of sleep and take no notice of name calling ,People say things without thinking sometimes ,but It doesnt help knowing that .Shows their ignorance not yours .Enjoy the quiz Take care Luv Sue xx:hugs:/SIZE]:hugs::hugs: