Why does it target my relationships?

[Joellie]

Im so annoyed with myself. Basically, i had anxiety to start with over my boyfriend and alot of what ifs flew around and i worried i didnt love him but sort of realised its because i was looking at everyone elses views on what love is and not what my own is. I know i love him and i want to spend time with him and i got anxiety and depression because of the "thought" attacks i was getting all the time over it. Long story short though im much better on that front.

But i have a problem. I have a friend thats a guy, that i have no attraction to, he is my dads girlfriends son and we get on really well. Its like he has the same sense of humour as me so we have a laugh. But my anxiey is constantly like doubting everything in me like "is this JUST friendship" and my rational head is like "yes because you dont have butterflies with him" and then it argues with "yeah but you enjoy spending time with him" and i get so messed up about it.

I know i dont like him like that i could never in 100 years picture me having a relationship with him because its just..not like that :S i dunno its wierd my anxiety seems like its trying to make something out of a friendship and i just hate it. I feel guilty about having anxiety over it because its hurtful for my boyfriend. Ive not told him because i know its the anxiety and i need to treat the thoughts like "silly thoughts" but i still just feel all anxious about it.

Once id calmed down though i could think like "well i dont get butterflies when im with him at all and if i ever kissed him it would be wierd" so i know its not like i fancy him.

Ahhh i should stop talking about it im refraining from googling it because my counceller suggested that i stop doing that as it fuels my worry lol but I know that its mutual friendship, its my anxiety i feel like im convincing.

Anyway yeah this is more a vent than wanting advice. I talk to my boyfriend about everything anxiety related even when its about him but this makes me uncomfortable because if i told him i feel like id be hurting him alot because its like im worried i have feelings for someone when i dont. So i need people to talk to about this as my main man cant be involved :(

*must stop thinking about this now*

[jude uk]

NEVER EVER GOOGLE...okay thats my vent over about googling.

I think if we all watched every love story made in hollywood we would all doubt if we are really in love.

As a male I have male and female friends and so does my girlfriend. I think it is very healthy for both of us. I spend time with my female friends and there has been times when I have felt very close to them but thats just a deepening of our friendship. It may also be the same for you and its good that you can laugh with this guy. So on that level enjoy the friendship.

I am sure if I was to say to my girlfriend " Hey honey I think I have feelings for one of my female friends" I would have to dodge every pot pan and kitchen knife in her flat or mine.
I think its best that you dont tell your boyfriend because its not something your ever going to act on.

Love is a strange emotion. Even in the best relationships there are times people dont get on but they still love each other. I think your anxiety is playing a major part in this.
Take it easy and your not alone because I am positive others will give advice

[Joellie]

Thanks :) Yeah i know i find at the moment because of the anxiety im having to think about all emotions i feel (even simple ones like happiness) and try to figure out if its really what i feel. Because sometimes I dont get what im feeling or what im thinking and its difficult to know what im REALLY feeling like or what im really thinking. I know its a bit confusing :S I just know i dont want to act on this, also if it was a situation where i DID have attraction to another guy i would never cheat on my boyfriend.

I have this fear of following in my dads footsteps and cheating on my boyfriend or having an affair in the future when were married etc because thats what my dad did, and hes a nice guy, he didnt intend to do it he just met a woman, just started out as friends but he started feeling things for her and then he left my mum for her. Im just worried im destined to do it. i think maybe my anxiety is finding oppertunities to spark this one up.

But i feel better today i know i dont feel anything for this guy were just friends i just for a moment last night realised i was having fun and it threw me off track.

Thanks for your reply:)

[mumof4]

i know how u feel me and my partner split up last week over my anxiety been together 12 years and he just couldnt take anymore there was nothing between us apart from kids.

my mind was always somewhere else worring about things that i couldnt be botherd even with him and sex wasnt there and i dont blame him i dont think i could do it either.

but we are still friends and he is my career and my kids dad.

i have prop babbled on to much all i wanted to say was it can be tuff on ur relationship and i hope everything works out good.

all the best take care

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Well if your dad married his girlfriend he'd be your stepbrother and you couldn't marry him anyway, so that'd solve the problem! And if you thought of him as your common-law stepbrother.. Normally I wouldn't advocate "its socially inappropriate anyway, so you know you wouldn't go there" as an answer, but in this instance it might be helpful.

[Joellie]

Erm :| Did you read my post? lol I dont want to have a relationship with him so marriage isnt really something id want to consider. I do think of him more of a brother anyway.

My boyfriend stumbled upon this anyway when i left the laptop on and mentioned it so we talked about it and everything is fine. Ive resolved it for myself anyway, i just had a quick anxiety moment i think and went all irrational on myself again.

[jay_57]

I know exactly what you mean, and I also experience this sometimes, but in a different way. My group of friends is very equally mixed male and female, and whilst I'm entirely comfortable eith the relationship I have with the males, I'm so uptight about what I say to them, just in case it's interpreted the wrong way and then I'll worry that my boyfriend will find out, and think it's suspicious.

This of course is absurd, if I ever said something ''flirty'' to a male friend, it would be entirely banter, and they'd joke back, and my boyfriend would say ''what are you like!!'' and laugh.

And yet, let's look at this scenario:
I'm in a nightclub with a friend. She's got the hots for some bloke that's just walked past and asks me what I think of him. I'm obviously not interested, but can acknowledge that he's nice-looking and seems friendly. And I can't even bring myself to say that, because it feels like cheating. To an outsider, it seems ridiculous. But I can't help it.


I know what I've posted isn't that relevant to your problem, but I hope it'll show you that you're not alone on this one, I also feel unnecessarily guilty/panicky about this sort of thing.
It's no use me telling you not to worry, because you will - everyone here knows that - but all I can suggest is that you spend time with this man and after a while, your doubts could be put to one side.
In the light of day, he's your stepbrother (most people would love to have such a good relationship with a stepsibling!), a good person, and you enjoy his company. End of. Would it be any different if it was a stepsister? No. Apart from you wouldn't be worrying. The only difference is that he happens to be male, that's all.

Love and hugs x

[Joellie]

Thanks yeah it did help though especially the last part. I have other step siblings who i dont get on as well with apart from one step sister and i have good fun with her too. Your right though its probably just guilt lol thanks though