18yold had panic attack - now 34yold ... still suffer badly ... from Ireland

[Irish-Artist]

Hello ...

I am a 34yo father of three. I have suffered since I was 18 from severe panic attacks which then developed into agrophobia as well.

On betablockers and 20mg citalopram. Come off the diazepam recently and still a little shakey.

My teeth are broken, I am frightened to go to a dentist.

Jobless ... I paint and compose for the piano to occupy myself. http://www.youtube.com/user/SacredMelodies

I cannot use public transport.

My wife has told me last week that she will be leaving me in 3 months for a 'good break' as she cannot handle living with somebody so ill. She will take my child with her.

Its been a rough ride ... a really rough ride ... wasnt able to have a 'wedding', just a short service, no honeymoon. Couldnt celebrate my 20th or 30th birthdays. Lost pretty much all my friends. Cannot even take my kids to park most days. No cinema. No holidays unless I take diazepam, and even then holidays are a nightmare rather than fun. etc etc

Sorry to moan, but it is that bad. I am a Christian though, and believe that God has his purpose for me. I will continue to trust in His plan and bear this suffering to the end.

I just wish I was a better dad ...

It is AMAZINg to find somewhere like this where people seem to have suffered EXACTLY as I have. Its been so lonely, and now I know Im not the only one ...

Best wishes to all in the forum ... Samuel

[diane07]

Hi Irish-Artist

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[daisymaisy]

Hi Samuel

Welcome. Am sure you'll make lots of friends on this site and also get loads of support.

Daisy x

[Irish-Artist]

Thanks guys ... means a lot.

Was also wondering about where the information is for partners of those suffering. May help to save my marriage, who knows.

[Adelle]

Hi and Welcome, My heart goes out to you. I cant offer much advice but just want you to know your not alone. Im starting therapy soon so hopefully that will take my fears away and I can live a normal life again. Ill pray for you and im sure your kids know you love them. :welcome:

[Veronica H]

:bighug1:Welcome Samual. It can be a comfort to know that many here share the same symptoms and understand. I would say that I am now 80% recovered thanks to a brilliant book by Dr Claire Weekes;SELF HELP FOR YOUR NERVES ISBN 0-7225-3155-9.This is available from the NMP shop. Dr Weekes was a fellow sufferer who really understood this illness. She took the mystery out of it, and devised a simple programme for recovery. I can't recommend this enough. This will get better. Glad that you have found us.

Veronica

[Thorny]

:welcome: Samuel,

Don't be sorry, you are not moaning. It’s important to share how you are feeling with others (although, as you know it can be very hard to do).

Thanks for posting that link to your piano piece. It is so relaxing & thoughtful. Superb, Well done.

I do hope that you find the forum/site helpful.:)

Best Wishes

Matt.

[Irish-Artist]

Thanks SO much everyone!!

You are all very supportive ... I shall get that book by Claire Weekes and read v soon.

I bought an online program to get better once called the Linden method. It basically said to stop my medicine and live a normal life ignoring the fear. Unfortunately the fear proved too great and so I am still a sufferer.

It really is amazing how precisely my worries match those of you fellow sufferers ... even some bizarre worries seem to be common to most. EG when I stopped citalopram and turned my head there was a whoosh and an unusual 'delay' feeling??

At present I am focused upon saving my marriage. If I dont I shall lose wife and my lovely children. I do think if I could function a bit better it would ease the burden on my wife ... and I have always wanted to be able to take my kids to the park alone, and do at times, but it depends upon how panicy I am at the time.

When I was 18 and going to casualty because of my palpitations I was ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED of dying. This fed the fear in a big way. I was brought up in a non-religious household, far from it. My father was happy to give me alcohol and for me to smoke, mum was a sport fanatic and liked to be social. This early experience, or percieved experience, of my mortality has sent my life in a different direction.

I knew that if I was to survive I had to tackle this issue of death head on, my evential bodily annihalation and the great numinous mystery was feeding my panic. And so, in a logical and methodical way, I began researching the worlds religions. A decade passed and I found myself a Christian, dedicating my life to serving others and loving my family. I met others in church (the few times I actually made it there!) who geniunely didnt judge me for being jobless / nervous / erratic / unreliable etc.

And so here I am, comforted by a Faith in Love, but still very much a sufferer. I have pretty much given up hoping to make a recovery. Perhaps my life is not to be a life of travelling / parties / weddings (I missed all my friends / family weddings) / social life ... perhaps I am to be a solitary musician, playing my piano for the kids and neighbours to hear, and occasionally venturing nervously to the shops. (I cant cope with supermarket lighting ... has anyone else found this?)

Still Hope abides, and you lot seem to be very genuine and having suffered greatly also.

I dont know about all of you, but certainly for me the pain of being a social reject / misfit / oddity has been JUST AS GREAT A PAIN to me as the attacks themselves. So many people DONT understand. So many people judge. I am lazy. I dont care. I am selfish. I dont try hard enough, etc. Well as Oscar Wilde wrote in his Reading Gaol 'and outcasts always mourn'. It is to have been an 'outsider' to life that has affected me most ... to be separate from 'the body', to read headlines about spongers and wasters and bums and leeches and for these words and phrases to hit one deeply as black darts, reverberating inside ... day after day after day ...

Well now I know its not only me ... I mean I always knew but now I KNOW. The descriptions on this site mirror my own so precisely that I guess I do have hope. (Though I am upset about missing the quiz tonight due to being a new member!!)

Well thank you all again, that is just some heartfelt thinking from a fellow soul in distress ... keep on fighting ... spirits up:)

Love to all here, Samuel

[springblossom]

Samuel, have you read Claire Weeke's books, simple but very effective?

[teez]

hello samuel,,,firstly can i congratulate you on getting this far,,,like yourself i was rushed into hospital,,in my early twenties,,i was terrified,,as all our family has chronic heart disease,,but thank the lord mine was the dreaded panic attacks, im now forty seven,,still letting panic tell me what to do,,on my off days ,,some days im braver and give IT,a good run for its money, lol, like yourself i also have agoraphobia, which in my thirtys meant i was totally housebound,,,i realied totally on my children to shop,,take themselves to school,, which i hated,,never went to an open day,,meetings,,i thought i was the worst kind of parent,,when i did manage to walk my dog to a local field i stood one day looked into the sky and shouted at my god,,and asked what had i done for him to take away so much,,,over the years i think ive had my answer,,he gave me other things,,my children are warm caring, loving, people , with an understanding thats second to none, my youngest when i was diagnosed with cancer back four years ago,,said mum i couldnt have asked for a better mum,,i asked even with all problems he said they made you you,,. you sound like a loving parent and thats all a child needs. loves the greatest gift along with understanding,,you can get through this,,i dont know if youve seen our agoraphobia thread,,but its helping me ,,worth a try ,take care theresa :hugs:

[Irish-Artist]

Thanks teez!! I really do hope that Love is enough, I be;ieve that it is, but my ex tells me that it wasnt enough for her to stay!!

Your post really cheered me, its just nice to know that some people care ... so easy for others to judge ...