S.J.
17-10-09, 14:40
Hello everyone. I'm new to the website and I am a long term sufferer of depression which has turned into major anxiety and panic attacks peppered with a touch of agrophobia!! I am a 35yr old single mum of one 13yr old daughter, who is the sole reason i have continued trying to beat my illness. This is my story;
I had my first 'dose' of depression when i was 19. It lasted about 3 months and I did see my doctor about it and was put on Prozac for that time. When I fell pregnant at 21 I was very ill, and not just in the mornings either, but I never felt pregnant, I just felt fat! Anyway, my daughter, Taelor, was born a month early and was in SCBU for a week. I wasn't eating or sleeping and was very...vacant and numb to everything and also very tearfull. Consequently I was diagnosed with severe post natal depression and prescribed hormone pessaries as well as anti-depressants, Prozac again. I was also referred for counselling but I only went once. It was no help to me, I can talk to anyone about my thoughts and feelings but I have always felt that I needed answers, or some direction.
So, I came off the pessaries but stayed on the anti-depressants. I was never called in for a review. When I moved and registered with a new doctor I just had to put in a repeat prescription and that was that.
I had happy times and a social life and friends etc but I'd get very low at least once a year. I also felt that the prozac wasn't working anymore. So I went back to the doctor, was prescribed new Medication (I'm sorry but I don't remember what this one was called, there have been so many) I also told my doctor that I wanted some other help, not just the pills all the time. I didn't want to be on medication forever!! I was told that the help I was asking for wasn't available due to funding?! and was offered counselling again. I went twice, it just wasn't enough (I must stress that at this point I was only suffering with depression. The anxiety/panic and agrophobia was yet to come!)
Roughly 15 months later the meds weren't working anymore and I became really depressed. I went to my doctor, in a hysterical mess BEGGING for some other help. Same response and I was starting to feel neglected/ignored and unimportant! I was put on Sertraline. It was not the right med for me either I had all the side effects but they never went away (I was patiently waiting for them to 'kick in' and I put up with it for about 4 months) These 'side effects' caused me to feel anxious/nervous all the time, I'd talk really fast, major sweating (facially) it was awful. So back to the doctors, this time I was given Venlaflaxine. No alternative help.
Another couple of years later and my depression hits an all time low, coupled with major mood swings. In fact I lost the plot a bit. My mum (used to be a nurse) suggested I see another doctor in the practise about alternative help. So I did. I couldn't believe it when, after sobbing about needing some proper help, she agreed straight away and requested that the local mental health team see me. Great I thought, help at last. Nope!! They had one meeting with me and said I needed counselling!! I said it doesn't work for me and they said 'well this one might!!' It didn't.
So I'm left to get on with it alone. And my symptoms are getting steadily worse, I started having regular panic attacks and my self confidence/self esteeme/social life all started to disappear completely. I lost my long term friends due to being unreliable and a hermit. If I was invited out I would say yes and then bottle it at the last minute and I started shutting my family out too.
I think the final push over the edge was when I found out my long term boyfriend (6yrs) who I thought I knew inside out and lived literally around the corner from me, had been seeing someone else AND had moved her into his house!! It destroyed me completely. It took me a good 2yrs to stop crying and missing him but I still haven't recovered from it and thats when I stopped going out altogether. Except to go shopping and to work (which was only 7.5hrs a week)
Medication needed changing AGAIN so I was put on Mirtazipine, this lasted about 18months because I felt overly emotional all the time but mostly because it caused me to put on nearly 4 stone!! I only found out that this is a well known side effect at the beginning of July this year!!
So, back to the doctor. Only his time he said he was at a loss as to what to prescribe me as I'd tried so many different meds (there are another 4 that I can't think of right now and believe it or not I have tried to keep 'My story' short!) So he said he was going to write to the mental health team to ask for advice.... Well his letter was received on the 13th July, but because they don't have a pschiatrist 'to hand' they had to forward the letter to another place who then had to have a meeting before coming to an alternative medication suggestion. It then had to go back to the 'team' and then onto my doctor... I got my new prescription on the 10th September. It was... Sertraline AGAIN!!! 150mg, starting at 50mg and gradually increased. Not only did my doctor not want to see me to give me my new prescription but he had failed to inform the psychiatrist of my previously prescribed medications!!! Not only do I feel fobbed off but the whole situation seems to me to be very badly handled.
Sertraline is no good for me, as I mentioned the first time I was prescribed it (although in 2004 it was only 50mg) and this time it had made me so ill that my mum wanted me to go into hospital. I have been signed off work for 4weeks so far. I haven't been able to leave the house, at all. Or answer the phone/door. I'm panicy all the time, my anxiety has hit the roof, I'm having scary thoughts, i hate myself and my life and I wanted to give up...
Due to my persistence I have been in contact with the mental health team (on the phone) and told them everything and that this drug is making me worse etc. On wednesday this week (14th) i had a meeting with the mental health nurse for an assessment.:yahoo:
He was great. I actually felt i was being heard for a change. He agreed I had to stop the sertraline asap, he also agreed that I need more than counselling and I'm now on the list for Cognitive behaviour therapy:yesyes: AND he promised to get hold of my doctor asap to change my meds. I freaked out saying how it took 2 months last time and how I couldn't cope like this anymore etc. But true to his word he sorted it that same day.
He rang me to say I had to make an appoint with my doctor to get my new meds. So I made an appoint for the same day at 5.10pm. (no easy task as I don't want to go out the house!!) My doctor rings me about 20mins later saying "is it just for your new prescription that you've made an appoint!" I said yes and he then said "well I'll fax your prescription through to your nearest pharmacy and cancel your appoint!!"
Can you believe that? He's not concerned about how ill i've become, he doesn't feel it necessary to see me and discuss these new pills, or the side effects, or what they are or how long they'll take to kick in etc. No reassurance or support at all!!!!!!!!
I called the pharmacy to arrange for my daughter to collect my new meds, which are called Cipralex-20mg every day. So far so good but it's only day 3 so early days.
My mum came over on Thursday, due to a very tearfull phone call i made to her on wed night, she was so concerned that she wanted to take me into hospital. Also, my daughter had confessed to me that she wasn't coping with my illness at all anymore and she refused to talk to anyone about it, so my guilty feelings that I already had were confirmed and I was terrified of what I'd done to her. My mum called the mental health nurse to discuss her concerns and to ensure that something was going to be done to help me this time and amongst other things he suggested a web site called Nopanic.org.uk which is where I found a link to you guys.
So there you have it. Thats me. I've been on anti-depressants for a very long and stressfull 13yrs now. That can't be right can it? I have 6weeks to wait for CBT and for new meds to kick in and fingers crossed I'm on the rocky road of recovery, albeit right at the very beginning. I'm trying to stay possitive, I still don't want to go out. At all. I moved to where I am now because it's right by the sea. I used to go the beach everyday, even in the rain. I can't remember the last time I went. I feel like a freak to be honest. Sorry, thats not possitive at all is it.... Onwards and upwards (slow and steady wins the race) I really wish there was some organisation that arranges for someone to visit and drag you out for a walk. Even round the block. I have no will power or self discipline and I'm not very good at making myself do something I don't want to do!!!
Right, I'll say bye for now... sorry for the dissertation. Hope to speak with you all soon..
S.J.
I had my first 'dose' of depression when i was 19. It lasted about 3 months and I did see my doctor about it and was put on Prozac for that time. When I fell pregnant at 21 I was very ill, and not just in the mornings either, but I never felt pregnant, I just felt fat! Anyway, my daughter, Taelor, was born a month early and was in SCBU for a week. I wasn't eating or sleeping and was very...vacant and numb to everything and also very tearfull. Consequently I was diagnosed with severe post natal depression and prescribed hormone pessaries as well as anti-depressants, Prozac again. I was also referred for counselling but I only went once. It was no help to me, I can talk to anyone about my thoughts and feelings but I have always felt that I needed answers, or some direction.
So, I came off the pessaries but stayed on the anti-depressants. I was never called in for a review. When I moved and registered with a new doctor I just had to put in a repeat prescription and that was that.
I had happy times and a social life and friends etc but I'd get very low at least once a year. I also felt that the prozac wasn't working anymore. So I went back to the doctor, was prescribed new Medication (I'm sorry but I don't remember what this one was called, there have been so many) I also told my doctor that I wanted some other help, not just the pills all the time. I didn't want to be on medication forever!! I was told that the help I was asking for wasn't available due to funding?! and was offered counselling again. I went twice, it just wasn't enough (I must stress that at this point I was only suffering with depression. The anxiety/panic and agrophobia was yet to come!)
Roughly 15 months later the meds weren't working anymore and I became really depressed. I went to my doctor, in a hysterical mess BEGGING for some other help. Same response and I was starting to feel neglected/ignored and unimportant! I was put on Sertraline. It was not the right med for me either I had all the side effects but they never went away (I was patiently waiting for them to 'kick in' and I put up with it for about 4 months) These 'side effects' caused me to feel anxious/nervous all the time, I'd talk really fast, major sweating (facially) it was awful. So back to the doctors, this time I was given Venlaflaxine. No alternative help.
Another couple of years later and my depression hits an all time low, coupled with major mood swings. In fact I lost the plot a bit. My mum (used to be a nurse) suggested I see another doctor in the practise about alternative help. So I did. I couldn't believe it when, after sobbing about needing some proper help, she agreed straight away and requested that the local mental health team see me. Great I thought, help at last. Nope!! They had one meeting with me and said I needed counselling!! I said it doesn't work for me and they said 'well this one might!!' It didn't.
So I'm left to get on with it alone. And my symptoms are getting steadily worse, I started having regular panic attacks and my self confidence/self esteeme/social life all started to disappear completely. I lost my long term friends due to being unreliable and a hermit. If I was invited out I would say yes and then bottle it at the last minute and I started shutting my family out too.
I think the final push over the edge was when I found out my long term boyfriend (6yrs) who I thought I knew inside out and lived literally around the corner from me, had been seeing someone else AND had moved her into his house!! It destroyed me completely. It took me a good 2yrs to stop crying and missing him but I still haven't recovered from it and thats when I stopped going out altogether. Except to go shopping and to work (which was only 7.5hrs a week)
Medication needed changing AGAIN so I was put on Mirtazipine, this lasted about 18months because I felt overly emotional all the time but mostly because it caused me to put on nearly 4 stone!! I only found out that this is a well known side effect at the beginning of July this year!!
So, back to the doctor. Only his time he said he was at a loss as to what to prescribe me as I'd tried so many different meds (there are another 4 that I can't think of right now and believe it or not I have tried to keep 'My story' short!) So he said he was going to write to the mental health team to ask for advice.... Well his letter was received on the 13th July, but because they don't have a pschiatrist 'to hand' they had to forward the letter to another place who then had to have a meeting before coming to an alternative medication suggestion. It then had to go back to the 'team' and then onto my doctor... I got my new prescription on the 10th September. It was... Sertraline AGAIN!!! 150mg, starting at 50mg and gradually increased. Not only did my doctor not want to see me to give me my new prescription but he had failed to inform the psychiatrist of my previously prescribed medications!!! Not only do I feel fobbed off but the whole situation seems to me to be very badly handled.
Sertraline is no good for me, as I mentioned the first time I was prescribed it (although in 2004 it was only 50mg) and this time it had made me so ill that my mum wanted me to go into hospital. I have been signed off work for 4weeks so far. I haven't been able to leave the house, at all. Or answer the phone/door. I'm panicy all the time, my anxiety has hit the roof, I'm having scary thoughts, i hate myself and my life and I wanted to give up...
Due to my persistence I have been in contact with the mental health team (on the phone) and told them everything and that this drug is making me worse etc. On wednesday this week (14th) i had a meeting with the mental health nurse for an assessment.:yahoo:
He was great. I actually felt i was being heard for a change. He agreed I had to stop the sertraline asap, he also agreed that I need more than counselling and I'm now on the list for Cognitive behaviour therapy:yesyes: AND he promised to get hold of my doctor asap to change my meds. I freaked out saying how it took 2 months last time and how I couldn't cope like this anymore etc. But true to his word he sorted it that same day.
He rang me to say I had to make an appoint with my doctor to get my new meds. So I made an appoint for the same day at 5.10pm. (no easy task as I don't want to go out the house!!) My doctor rings me about 20mins later saying "is it just for your new prescription that you've made an appoint!" I said yes and he then said "well I'll fax your prescription through to your nearest pharmacy and cancel your appoint!!"
Can you believe that? He's not concerned about how ill i've become, he doesn't feel it necessary to see me and discuss these new pills, or the side effects, or what they are or how long they'll take to kick in etc. No reassurance or support at all!!!!!!!!
I called the pharmacy to arrange for my daughter to collect my new meds, which are called Cipralex-20mg every day. So far so good but it's only day 3 so early days.
My mum came over on Thursday, due to a very tearfull phone call i made to her on wed night, she was so concerned that she wanted to take me into hospital. Also, my daughter had confessed to me that she wasn't coping with my illness at all anymore and she refused to talk to anyone about it, so my guilty feelings that I already had were confirmed and I was terrified of what I'd done to her. My mum called the mental health nurse to discuss her concerns and to ensure that something was going to be done to help me this time and amongst other things he suggested a web site called Nopanic.org.uk which is where I found a link to you guys.
So there you have it. Thats me. I've been on anti-depressants for a very long and stressfull 13yrs now. That can't be right can it? I have 6weeks to wait for CBT and for new meds to kick in and fingers crossed I'm on the rocky road of recovery, albeit right at the very beginning. I'm trying to stay possitive, I still don't want to go out. At all. I moved to where I am now because it's right by the sea. I used to go the beach everyday, even in the rain. I can't remember the last time I went. I feel like a freak to be honest. Sorry, thats not possitive at all is it.... Onwards and upwards (slow and steady wins the race) I really wish there was some organisation that arranges for someone to visit and drag you out for a walk. Even round the block. I have no will power or self discipline and I'm not very good at making myself do something I don't want to do!!!
Right, I'll say bye for now... sorry for the dissertation. Hope to speak with you all soon..
S.J.