Don't Make Me Do It..

[gary_2.0]

(contd. from here: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=62561)

Don't make me do it.....Yes, ok, make me do it.

One hour to go before doors open - or show, I'm not sure which - and I'm faced with going out to this show alone. Having to leave the house at all is filling me with dread, but to do it alone, via public transport only to end up sitting in a huge building full of strangers in the dark, is a tall, tall order for me today. Any day. Worst will be the hanging around between performances staring into space. Had nothing but alcohol today and will probably chain smoke all night, where applicable. I hope I find someone to talk to.

Fvck, this isn't easy.

[bottleblond]

Wow gary that is a very admiral thing to do and i can feel your nerves for you. Lol

I hope you manage to have a lovely time and please let us know how you get on.

Lisa
xx

[Izzycam]

Good luck, hang on in there.

[sharona]

Hi

I hope you have a great time and well done for preparing yourself go.

Sharona

[sandy35]

Well done for getting the tickets and having the courage to go and I hope you have a good time and I do mean that!

[gary_2.0]

Thank you Lisa, thank you Izzycam, thank you Sharona, thank you Sandy.

:bighug1:

Lisa, I got to see your message before I left and it really did help to, well I know it's a well-worn cliche, but to able to reach out and make contact like that when I was feeling so very very anxious, was inspiring. To receive such immediate evidence reminding me that none of us are completely alone makes a big difference.

It's about time I made a donation to NMP. Gratitude alone doesn't pay the bills. That's next on the list.

So, I did it anyway. My anxiety set in last night and continued right through. I never quite know how to articulate the panic I feel, except to say that I felt 'beside myself', and 'climbing the walls'. This followed an another episode earlier in the week. A bit like a major tremor before the quake. I might have got a couple of hours of sleep but generally I was very restless. I resorted to alcohol and an extra 150mg dose of Efexor XL,making a total of 450mg :ohmy:, so that, plus the nervous energy is all that has carried me through today. Nothing to eat at all. Yeah rock 'n' roll! Plus a top up in the bar during intermission. It might sound irresponsible and a little glib, but I know my limitations and that of my body and I'm pleased to say that I'm receiving no adverse physical Effects. I did what I had to do within context.

Moments before phoning for a taxi, which I kept putting off as I collected together all the things I thought I'd need to take with me, my friend sent a text and subsequently we went in his car.

Now at home I feel 'fine'. Back in my safe environment once again. A bit of a headache from smoking too many tabs, but happy to have seen it through.

Thank you once again for your messages, it really does make all the difference.

Oh and the show? Stewart Lee was very funny. He was on good form. I couldn't relax into it fully, but it was well worth it.

[sandy35]

Glad you enjoyed the gig and well done!!!!!!!!!

[Izzycam]

1 challenge accomplished, well done, now try and think of another one before you get back into thinking negative.
:yesyes:

[sharona]

Well done, you did it. This will give you a benchmark for the next one. I know how you felt, I went to a party last week and just wanted to come home but I made myself stay and had another drink. I still felt strange but I lasted for another couple of hours, anxiety and all. Well done.:yesyes:

Take care

Sharona x

:bighug1::yahoo::roflmao:

[irishguy]

well done

[kazzie]

Nice one Gary:yesyes::yesyes::yesyes:

Must have been the evening out at the pub with my delightfull grandkids last week that spurred you on:roflmao:

Luv Kaz x x x:hugs:

[gary_2.0]

Thank you Sandy. Thank you irishguy.

@Izzycam: Easier said than done, but yes you're absolutely right. Thanks.

@sharona: Thank you, and well done to you for pushing through your anxiety at last week's party. I can imagine how hard that must have been.

@Kazzie: Glad you brought that up again publicly because it gives me a chance to thank you for taking pity on a poor wretch such as me. Heh! As ever, a big thank you must go to Roger the chauffer. Your grandchildren were very well behaved and really funny to be with. Of course I can say that safe in the knowledge they're not a full time responsibility. No doubt, it's this enlightened attitude that has successfully kept me a bachelor all these years. Oh the agony of it all.

On a serious note, If I had not gone, doubtless I'd now be feeling terribly depressed and cursing my failure. As it is, despite the enormous aggravation this single night created, the residual effect is positive. I feel, well, almost happy! Now all I need do is hang on to, and absorb this logic. I have several, quite big, ambitions in life still to achieve and I must, at least, try. Just try.

Thanks again to everyone who responds to my posts here. I never take these things for granted. Oh, and I made that donation too. :yesyes:

[kazzie]

Lol Gary you are sooooo funny:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

Onward and upwards mate:yesyes::yesyes::yesyes:

Kaz x x x:hugs: