Struggling with finishing counselling

[befuddled1]

On Thursday I had my last counselling session after two years worth of appointments. I knew I would be upset after the session and that it would make a difference to how I think about things during the week but I am really feeling empty and lonely now. Counselling was like some sort of hope, even though I didn't necessarily talk about my problems there, there was the opportunity whereas with most others in my life I wouldn't really consider taking the risk. I feel so sad that I will never see or speak to my counsellor again and so afraid of forgetting her, her way of being, and what I have got from counselling. I can't help but feel bad about myself for wanting to see her more, as if it's inappropriate for me to feel that way. Even though we've discussed it and I had understood it, I am struggling again with confusion about why it had to end. We discussed in the session that there was no rule that said I must never see or try to contact my counsellor again and that reassured me for a moment but now I have returned to the idea that it is somehow forbidden for me to ever see or contact her. I just feel a need for her to be there because I'm struggling at the moment as I'm moving away to a new city and a new job. I guess I didn't realise how much of a support the counselling was and I now feel very alone without it, like there is no one who I could tell, who would want to understand how I'm really feeling about things. The closest I can get is discussion boards I use. I had begun to come to see people in a different light, as if I could really be myself with some of them without fear but now it is as if I am returning to feeling I must hide myself in order to be liked. I could be moving house in less than five days and I have done no packing because I am avoiding or resisting the change and the anxiety of it. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like giving up.
NB. I don't want this to reflect badly on my counsellor so please don't make negative judgments about her based on this.
(I would guess that those who really understand what counselling's about and the attitude that goes with it wouldn't do so but maybe I'm wrong there.)

[befuddled1]

I'd really like to know about others experiences and views of this. I haven't really covered even half of it in the above post. I know my counsellor is not my friend in an informal way, it doesn't feel like that's what I want from her. I just don't understand how it is things just 'end' like this, as if they never happened at all. I am already filled with doubt about the nature of what it was and how much I will forget and have forgotten of it. I want the experience to maintain its meaning but I'm not sure it can do that without me seeing my counsellor to remind me of what it was. I think the key at the moment is probably to distract myself and hope that in doing so things will come to feel better and the counselling experience will enter naturally into my thoughts rather than me dwelling on it all the time as I seem to be now. The forever-ness of it is what feels really really hard and the idea that I must not contact her nor she me, as if it is highly forbidden. I am forced to question (actually I have all along) the structured nature of counselling. I guess what I want is a friend who is more like a counsellor, someone I can really be honest with, where can I find one of those? And how long will it take me to trust someone enough to be fully honest? I feel sort of trapped. As if society says things must be this way, and there's nothing I can do to stop that.
I have this feeling also that I have been rejected by my counsellor and feel as if I may have done something wrong to deserve that. Though when in a session with her I may well see that that's not true. Now though it overrides the experiences I've had with her. It's as if I'm being really hard on myself and I can't stop it. I feel bad about me. Selfish perhaps. Needy. Inappropriate. Wrong.

[PanicOver!!]

Hi

I know exactly what you mean about not seeing your councillor again
i know i missed mine after my CBT finished, but i realise now its not a councillor i need but a really good friend a can just be myself with and tell my troubles to without fear of being judged.... why not try and find someone on here you can talk to as they are anonomous and know what you are going through.....Talking is great for freeing the mind and soul x

[flix08]

wow i've never read something so true to how i feel. i'm having counselling at the moment and the thought of it ending is horrible even though i know it is inevitable in the near future...if you want to chat then PM me x

[sinbad]

Hi,
I notice that it's been about five months since the orginal thread was posted. I am in the same situation myself and am in a panic about finishing my counselling and being on my own. Just want to know how are things going with you now?

[Lilith1980]

Hi, I had counselling for the first time a few years ago and when it ended I was devastated. It took me a week or two to deal with the upset but in the weeks and months that followed I realised it had given me the power to make important decisions for me.

I am now training to be a counsellor so not sure if it would help seeing it from a counsellor's perspective?

A counsellor of the orientation that I am training in (which isn't CBT but something that lets the client talk, more than directing them) tries to get the client to do a lot of the work by looking at their feelings about their experiences. The aim is to empower the client to make the links (if there are any) and empower them to make the changes in their lives themselves.

The relationship that can build up between counsellors and clients can be very strong, especially if someone is very vulnerable and the counsellor is maybe one of the few, if only, person the client has ever told personal stuff to. Sometimes, the counsellor may even represent someone to the client.

When I had my counselling, my counsellor represented my Dad (didn't realise this at the time, only months and months later). He was around the same age as my Dad when he died, and I was able to talk to him about adult stuff which I'd never been able to do with my Dad because I was only 13 when he died. When I had to stop seeing my counsellor it was like losing my Dad all over again, but there needed to be that break I think for me to take back control and do things for myself.

Having been on both sides I think it is natural to feel an attachment with your counsellor, especially if they represent someone to you. And also because you have shared a lot of stuff with them and their job is to be non-judgemental, accepting, and understanding. Not a lot of people exercise all these because as human beings it is so easy to judge others but as a counsellor you have to try and put all your pre-conceive ideas/perceptions aside, which isn't easy!

Don't be so hard on yourself for feeling like you need your counsellor, but also I think you have a lot of inner strength and maybe you are stronger than you think you are. But if you are struggling so much then maybe it would be wise to call your counsellor and be honest and tell her how you feel about your relationship to her, she can work through this with you if you want.

((hugs)) xxxxx

[Lulluh]

Oh gosh I know just how you feel, I'm having therapy at the moment and my therapist has gone away for two weeks and I already feel quite lost - it's going to be hard to say goodbye when it's time to move on!!!
I hope you are okay x

[befuddled1]

It's a couple of months since the last replies to this thread, but I thought I'd add in an update anyway.
I don't know how I feel now about the counselling that I had. Sometimes I still feel a sort of sadness at no longer seeing my counsellor, and at the thought of never seeing her again. I cannot make sense of that really. I feel quite detached from the whole experience at the moment, which is what I really didn't want to feel...as if it may not have meant anything much. I have begun to see a new counsellor and for moments with her I have been reminded of my old counsellor and sometimes really badly wanted her back. The new counselling isn't going so well really, I find it hard to want to do it, because work is my whole life at the moment and I cannot leave that and focus on the counselling. I wish I could go back to my old counsellor and get some of those feelings back, remind myself if I can why I'm bothering. But the worry is, that even that wouldn't work. All I'm doing now is plodding along with my head down, denying that I'm really living. Well, that's one way to put it. Now and then I have considered moving back to the city I lived in previously in order to go back to that counsellor and continue that thread which I seem to have lost. But I feel silly about it. I feel silly easily about everything I say and do really which is why I do my best to keep my eyes down and as long as people appear to accept me I must be doing ok. I feel that I might be wrong about everything. I cannot trust my own view on things. That two years of counselling which did I suppose happen, or so I am to believe, is far from here and now. And for moments it comes back to me and I miss her but I then doubt those moments, I feel they may have come from ego or from what I want to feel rather than being natural feelings. If there's a story to be told in my life, I don't know what it is, and I don't know how to tell it.

[befuddled1]

In case anyone has interest in this so that they might post a response that makes me feel something....
In case putting this here helps me feel something different....
I am updating this thread with a short and simple summary of where I am now in regards to my relationship with counselling.
I have moved back to the city where I saw the counsellor for two years. I moved back in the hope of a change for the better because I find life hard. The idea of returning to that counsellor was a factor in the decision. It has been over 18 months since that counselling ended. I have asked about seeing that counsellor again. I have been given another counsellor and have felt unclear as to what the response was about seeing the old counsellor. Let's call her A. The new one is S. In between the two of them I have spent several months with C and then with M.
Somewhere in my life there has been some idea that counselling might do something for me to make the hard times less hard, to make life more fathomable. Perhaps I was wrong.
Somewhere in my life has been the idea that returning to A might help bring things together and return me to a place where I had become more hopeful, more on a path to peace of mind. Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps I was never on that path. Perhaps it is all words and nothing solid underneath.
The person who has dealt with my enquiry about returning to this counsellor has said that her thoughts (I think after conversation with A) are that I might benefit more from someone new. She said that two years was a long time. She said that she didn't want to not give me a choice. She said that I and A had done a piece of work and finished it. She used the word 'clinically'. She is someone else giving me an opinion on my experience, she wasn't there for it, how can she know all this? Why am I so uncertain of everything and others so certain?
How do I feel about A now? When I think of her...
I was always worried I wanted her back for the wrong reasons and would be criticised for it. It seems so harsh to me sometimes to have a person essentially banished from your life forever, to never see them again, not ever...what's that about?
When I think of A....I feel....that I don't want to think about it. I feel that my perception of the positives I had with A may now be marred by what has been said about it recently. I feel that maybe, after all that, A is not who I had come to believe she might be...and then for a moment I feel guilt for mistrusting her.
On Thursday I have to phone up and tell them my decision, do I return to A in future against the organisation's advice or continue with the new counsellor? I don't know what is best. I only know that either way what has been said by the organisation is going to play on my mind...and sometimes in a way that makes me strip all value from my own opinion. Perhaps I should never have trusted A. Perhaps I can learn with or without A that I can trust people and keep the value of my own experiences. Perhaps I am very wrong and always have been. Perhaps this is all just words, mess, rubbish.

[annette1]

Hello Befuddled
I fully understand what you have gone through regarding your counselling & how it becomes part of your recovery. I too have been seeing the same psychologist for 2yrs, regular sessions finished on my instigation 6 mths ago but it has been very hard to make the break. For me she was the first person who had really listened to me, she did the listening my mum should have done when i was a child & my ex husband during our marriage.

Having that regular time with a T can be incredibly stressful but at the same time very reasurring. She became someone I could trust with my innermost thoughts & worries. Making the break was hard & I think i made it a little too quick not wanting to draw out the saying goodbye. It took me 4mths to be able to contact her again & i know that if she had refused to see me i would have been left feeling rejected too. Gradually though I am managing to get through my difficult times using the work i did with her.

I'm so sorry your T seems to have rejected you, having put your trust in this person, told her your worries & built a relationship with her, there is no surprise that you should feel a need to speak to her again. Maybe she would agree see you for one last time, to help you to adjust to seeing another counselor. You need to tell her how you feel & how hard it is for you to adjust to life without counselling. Try another phone call & see what happens, I cant see that she will refuse to speak to you so that she can explain her reasons for not seeing you. I think she owes you at least that much.

You are obviously much stronger than you think, you have made some tough decisions recently & maybe you are being too hard on yourself. Try to give yourself a break by telling yourself you can & will get through this even if it means talking to a new councellor. As you say maybe you do need a friend you can confide in but that is not always an option for some of us. I know thats what I need to do but doing it is another matter.

Good luck with what ever you decide to do, its a difficult situation but one i am sure there is a happy outcome for both of you.

I'm sure there are many other on hear that are willing to listen to you too, maybe in time you will be able to 'talk' on the forum & chat room too. :bighug1:

[nicksyb]

Hi Befuddled

I hope everything is going better for you since you had to make a decision about whether to return to your counsellor. As someone who is in training to be a counsellor myself, I would probably feel if I were your counsellor that I had not achieved what I set out to do if you wanted to return to me after two years counselling, which is probably why they recommended that you see someone else. For me, the purpose of counselling is largely about empowering your clients to feel confident about trusting themselves and their own decisions and not have to depend on positive feedback or support from others (which might not be forthcoming). Obviously it takes time, support and lots of work by both of you (!) to reach that stage but maybe your counsellor felt that she had (inadvertently) allowed you to become more dependent on her than was good for you rather than empowered by her. I wonder if you took on board how much of those positive feelings you had for that period of time you mentioned, was down to your own efforts and not just down to the counsellor.

I hope you take these comments as not reflecting any criticism of either you or your counsellor, just a reflection on why she might feel that you would benefit from working with someone else, so that you can continue to grow and gain from counselling in a way that you can take forward yourself.

:hugs:

[John4]

Unfortunately therapy for me seems to be a forever thing. I don't think it will ever end. With all the addictions that I have

[LittleAteam]

Hi;
I just wanted to express that I can completely understand where all of your threads are coming from.
I have been in therapy for the past 5 years on and off. My therapist is very good and we have managed to make huge strides in many healing directions. I have a huge amount of respect for her as a professional and respect her boundaries and the importance of these.
I have PTSD and dissociation combined with horrendous anxiety and panic as a protect if years of sexual abuse and neglect from my early years.
I find things extremely difficult and so have always put on a front. A mask. That protects me when engaging with others. I have been trying to work towards healing gand removing the mask ever so gently...
Quite recently my therapist told me at the end of session 7 ( which should have been a 12 week course) that because of waiting lists for others she would have to cut my therapy short and that next week ( week 8) would be our final session. I was incredulous! Maybe put into shock!!! I don't believe this is healthy; or towards any kind of healing. In fact it feels like a big smack in the face. I explained to my therapist that I could not believe that she was doing this. That it felt like 'Power Over' and that it should be ethically wrong to cut therapy so abruptly! From being extremely traumatised for a major part of my life I felt that this experience shoved me right back there. I felt wronged. Wounded. I turned; upset at the final moment of the session and asked if I could give my T a hug to say thank you. She obliged silently! In my head I was telling myself to express humility for what we had achieved together and that despite the circumstances she had walked through so much with me; but I wasn't planning on ever returning again ( although she said she would be able to see me again in about 3 months time) . I left with tears falling down my face unco trollably although at the same time I felt numb!
My therapist called me the next day and explained that she understood how I felt and that week 8 wouldn't be my final session but that she was able to offer a few more sessions. I am grateful for this and that she took the time to think and call ... But I really feel like i entrusted so much that feels invalidated; lost and alone!
Any body else been through this experience? I really would welcome your thoughts. Should I return? Part of me think I will just because she has tried and I respect her willingness to want to help me; but then power and control exerted from being able to pull the rug from under my feet makes me never want to see her again. Never resume therapy again.
Thanks in advance for anything anyone has to share.