Bitting the bullet!

[Soulshaker]

Hello everyone,

Never been onto a forum before, but I guess there is a first time for everything - be gentle with me!!
I am 35 and work for the emergency services, which is kind of ironic as I have been told I have sever anxiety disorder. I, like many of you have been feeling terrible for over a year now. I hurt my back whilst fighting with a 'troubled lady' who wanted to take a chunk out of me. The back pain got worse and worse, I was unable to exercise as much and as such went to my Dr for all the relevent tests. Yep you guessed it all clear!
My legs started going numb when I was out to the point where I couldn't walk properly and the very real pain became completely over whelming.
I have been going on like this for a year getting lower and lower, more and more with drawn until five weeks ago I had a complete physical and emotional break down at work - for no reason at all!
I realised that something was very, very wrong with my brain and dragged my sorry self to the GP. Hey presto the golden diagnosis. Having read some of the posts and researched the condition I would say that I am a pretty classic case - if only I had realised sooner!
My problem is that the job I do expects me to be helping others and I feel a complete useless failure. I have had four weeks off and still feel no better. I am on escitalopram 20mg and I am starting CBT tomorrow. I feel that I need more time away but the other side of me says that I should go back - I can't win.
Any advise / wise words would be very much appreciated.

x

[diane07]

Hi Soulshaker

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[gypsywomen]

i was a nurse like you saw lots of sad thing dealt with grieving family and now i can work as have health anxiety,i think it started during my work,i think i took on everyone else problems and feelings we are told to shut off but the brain soaks everything up like a sponge ,then it gets to full and bang we end up like this ,,i think it is part of your problems too don't you

[Thorny]

:welcome: Soulshaker

Glad you found this forum. Its been very helpful for me since joining , & i'm sure you will also find it helpful & supportive too.

All the best with the start of the CBT treatment tomorrow.

Take Care

Matt

[cookiecracks]

hi soulshaker, i am a nurse with 20+ years work behind me and this year have developed health anxiety! It drives me mad that i am constantly thinking about what terrible illness i have all relating to rib pain. I think the constant exposure to illness and other peoples misery has definitley affected me who i've come to realise am an anxious person. Good luck !

[juls]

Hi soulshaker just wanted to say hello and im new to no more panic too. I had a course of CBT, I know eveyone is different and what works for someone might not work for someone else but i have suffered from panic, anxiety & agroaphobia for a lot of years and the CBT really really helped me. It wasnt easy cos its meant gradually exposing myself to the things i was avoiding but it was sooooooooo worthwhile and i still continue the use the things i learnt, i hope it helps you too. I understand your uncertainty about going back to work maybe you need a little bit more time could your GP advise you on this good luck juls

[Moonstone]

Hi Soulshaker:welcome:
just wanted to give you this :hugs: sounds like you need one!
best of luck with your treatment...take it easy
moon

[Soulshaker]

Hi Guys,
Firstly thank you for your kind words. It is so nice to know that I am not mad and there are others going through the same as me (that sounds kind of backward - but you know what I mean!).
Secondly I want to clarify that I of course do realise that it is a horrible thing for anyone to go through what ever walk of life you take or career you have chosen to follow. My personal problem is that I feel like I have failed as I have had extensive training to deal with the horrid things that life throws at people. I have been the one that people have called when it all goes wrong and now I can't sort my own life out.
I managed to drive my self to work today for my councilling referal session. Had the horrid panic attack symptoms all the way but my wonderful other half kept talking to me until we got there. I parked up and then blarred like a child. I really don't seem to have any control over it right now. It's so frighteneing, tiring and I hate myself for it.
Anyway. I have been refered, so have to wait for the start date now. Seeing Dr tomorrow to see if she thinks I should go back to work or not.
Thanks again guys.

[Soulshaker]

i was a nurse like you saw lots of sad thing dealt with grieving family and now i can work as have health anxiety,i think it started during my work,i think i took on everyone else problems and feelings we are told to shut off but the brain soaks everything up like a sponge ,then it gets to full and bang we end up like this ,,i think it is part of your problems too don't you

Hey Gypsywoman,
Your not wrong! I guess despite the fact that we are sometimes required to behave like robots, we are all human beings with emotions that are simply chemical reactions which cannot ultimately switched off.
I am a sensitive soul, and it is very possible that I attempt to carry too much of the world on my shoulders BUT I would rather be how I am than not feel anything at all. I treat others with kindness and respect and find it very hard to bare when others do not. I know that is life but sometimes I just wish........it wasn't!