Worried for my children

[cc]

Hi I'm new here and suffer from anxiety and depression, and going through a particularly rough time, changing ove meds etc. My husband and parents have been fantastic and have been basically looking after my children 7 and 2, while I'm going through this rough patch. The problem is that I am making myself even more anxious worrying about how this is affecting my children. I'm especially worried about my 7 year old, he's a bright spark and of course know's somethings wrong - mummy's got a headache, so is in bed crying. Also, I have been having big mood swings while getting used to the new meds, and yesterday after school he was being really loud, screaming and shouting (like seven year olds do when they get excited), my husband was telling him to stop and he just carried on, and I just had this scary uncontrollable urge to scream at him and was worried that had I could even have been violent towards him. I just shouted really loudly and then went upstairs to get away from the situation, but was really frightened at how out of control I felt a t that split second. I then broke down with guilt at the way I had felt and what I must be doing to him?

I know changing over meds could bring some of these side effects, but in the meantime what do I do about the children? My husband suggested I stay with my parents for a few days, but then I would feel ghuilty and a failure because I'm their mum and I should be with them looking after them.

I'm worried that all this is affecting them more than people realise and that one of them (or both) may end up with the same problems in adulthood. I can't bear to think of my children going through what I am going through now - we all want our children to be happy and healthy don't we?

My mum suffered the same when she was younger and we were children. i don;t remember any specific times I was scared or distressed, i just remember my mum being cross a lot of the time and always telling us off, and sometimes being in bed ill and my dad having to make our packed lunches (remember this in a funny way because the sandwiches would always be a piece of bread folded, not cut neatly like my mum used to do them??). I remember thinking if my mum and dad ever split up that I would definitelyt go and live with my dad as he was a lot softer. Of course I can't tell my mum this as it would probably break her heart...I feel guilty for even thinking it, and I love my mum to bits and don't feel angry towards her at all.

Could it be that this has affecetd me more than I realised subconsiously and that is why I am now suffering? Will the same thing happen with my children? I can't bear it:weep:

I am thinking of having some kind of therapy, does anyone have any ideas what could be right for me?

[gypsywomen]

hello CC for one you are not a bad mum,you seem to me like a very caring mother that's why you are so upset at yourself ,if you weren't you wouldn't care,this illness is terrible children are very versatile more than we think, believe me...they wont grow up thinking ANYTHING BUT THEY LOVE YOU AND THAT YOUR HERE MUM,as for the way you feel it could be your meds you could have a word with your doctor,, see what he thinks ,,i think it might do you good to spend a couple of days with your mum,,your husband seems a very kind man and only wants you to get better,,please dont feel bad we all feel like screaming with this,your not alone god bless maggie:hugs:

[cc]

Thanks for the advice, feel better just getting things off my chest sometimes. I've not been on my new med for long - only four days, so I know I have to give it a chance and take whatever help I can in the mean time, but i still feel like I'm being a burden on people and letting everyone down. As I sit and write this though and think about it rationally, i know that these are all symptoms of the illness and the people that love me just want me to get better and help me to do so. As my mum said this morning as she took my little girl to her house "You would do the same for her wouldn't you?" So I guess it all makes sense.

When i think likek this everything seems like it's going to be OK, it's just the "out of control" moments scare me.

Thanks anyway

Caroline

[gypsywomen]

your very lucky having family around who understand a lotof people have no one,i am sur when meds take effect you will calm down give them time glad i could chat:hugs: be strong

[cc]

I know, I am very lucky to have my lovely family - don't know what I'd do without them. thanks, feeling a bit less :weep: and a little bit more :) now!

[gypsywomen]

good dont worry about the children they will be fine ,,your a caring mum or you wouldnt have written your post good for you xxx

[Mudskipper]

I often worry about the effect my anxiety might have on my kids, ironic as it's them and their future I'm worrying about. God knows I wouldn't want them to inherit the same mental outlook as myself. I just try my best not to let my worries show when I'm around them and if I do have to disappear to the bedroom to chill out, I tend to make light of it for their benefit, "Daddy's just a bit tired" maybe or "Got a tummy ache", simple little things that they get themselves and understand more easily. Sorry I can't offer anything more, but you're not alone. I'm on new meds myself and hoping they'll kick in a bit within a couple of weeks.
Take care

:flowers:

[PoppyC]

Hi Caroline
My son grew up with me being the most temperamental, unstable, mood swinging, emotional wreck of a mother there could be. I was unwell, looking back. I eventually went on to have a breakdown.I am totally different now thankfully to how I was back then.
I brought him up alone plus he had help off his grandparents.
I told my son constantly that I loved him and I would explain things to him about how I was feeling, although not in great detail - just kept it simple. If I felt like I was going to scream and go mad I would walk away - out into another room or outside.
I thought my son would pick up on how I was and would have similar problems, and that really worried me and made me anxious over it, however he is the most emotionally balanced, stable, caring, kind and intelligent person there could be. Socially he is very outgoing and has many friends. He is nothing like me! He has no mental health issues and is too laid back if anything. I have always watched him closely for signs of anxiety or depression and so far thankfully there is none.
He is at university now studying for a Masters Degree.
I suppose the point of this message because I know I am rambling is that it does not always mean we will end up with issues like our parents had.
Just keep loving and reassuring your children and they will be fine and maybe explain you are not feeling very well for now but you will get better.
Like Gypsywomen said, children can be very resilient. You sound like a very good mum because if you were not you would not be here worrying about the effect on them.
I hope you soon feel better on the meds change.

[cc]

Just want to say thanks to everyone for your messages, it really helps to hear other people's experiences and advice and to know that I am not the only person who feels like this and that there is hope of feeling better. I'm so glad I have found this site as it really helps to just get all my feeliings out to people who really understand, without the worry of hurting or upsetting anyone close to me :hugs:

Sorry if I keep babbling, I'm sure you all understand:blush:

[gypsywomen]

glad you have found an answer

[shotokansho]

When i went into hospital last month all i thought about was my children. My eldest is 12 and he knew full well what was wrong. I wasnt allowed to see them at first and then i was only allowed 15 minutes twice a week supervised. This i must admit was heartbreaking for both my son and myself.
However, Ryan knew that mum was poorly and for me to be better i had to be there so i could be a brilliant and fun mum again. He was so helpful and good for his nana, i was so proud by the way he handled the situation. He was my great big man and i adore the pair of them as they do me.
You are not a bad mum and kids are very resiliant, as im sure you know. Lol i totally understand about having an urge to scream at them, i have done that many times and felt guilty afterward.
Hun sounds like you have a great supporting family and im sure your little uns will be great. I really hope things go okay with your meds change. Keep your chin up.

Kez xx

[cc]

Hi Kez, you have really been through it havn't you, and your son is so brave and sounds fantastic, which is a credit to the way that you have brought him up of course. I can't imagine what it must feel like to not be allowed to see your children - you are so brave. Hope you are getting there and thank you so much for your words of comfort when you have obviously been going through a horrendous time yourself.
:hugs:
Caroline x