maz
22-10-09, 17:21
Hi, I haven't used this site for nearly a year now, its really hard posting now, so please excuse the waffle. A lot has happened in the year, my mother in law was diagnosed with cancer last April, we lost her in in December 08, just after Christmas. My father was rushed to hospital November 08 with a leaking aynurism (I cant spell), he survived but it has left him weak and anxious. My brother who is 37 and has a wife and 2 babies was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor in Oct 08, he had a treatment of radiotherapy and is doing ok at the moment as the tumor is grade 3, it becomes nasty when it reaches grade 4!!! My father in law has just been diagnosed with cancer in his lungs, liver, bones, kidneys and spine, he has been given weeks possibly a couple of months to live!!! Three years ago I lost a good friend to cancer, he was 34 and had brain tumors, secondary to lung cancer.
What is going on with me??? I am terrified to see my brother in case I jinx him, he and his wife must think me insensitive but I am terrified. I cant take the risk.
Earlier in the year, August I think, I was attending a day hospital, I had decided that my meds were making no difference. Dont get me wrong they helped me in the beginning but I was feeling really bad on them. I was on 300 venlafaxine, I think the max dose is 225, so the side effects were probably contributing to the depressiona and anxiety.
Anyway this is such a wafflie post!!! I am sorry!! My husband is understandably under a lot of strain and is using me as his battling ram at the minute. I am finding it very hard to cope and have had urges to fall back into bad habits. I am frightened at the minute incase I loose control. If feel guilty about his mum, I feel guilty about his dad and I am afraid of how it is all going to pan out. I have remained close to one good friend but have isolated myself from the others. I am again beginning to feel panicky when I go outside. I feel vile and putrid again most of the time. I put off seeing a pyscologist but have made an appointment for two weeks. I dont see my physciatrist for 2 months. I am scared now. I dont want to go back on meds especially after coming off them horrible venlafaxine, the side effects were awful, but I am scared not to.
If you have managed to make sense or even finish reading this load of dribble with grammatical and spelling disasters then thank you xx
What is going on with me??? I am terrified to see my brother in case I jinx him, he and his wife must think me insensitive but I am terrified. I cant take the risk.
Earlier in the year, August I think, I was attending a day hospital, I had decided that my meds were making no difference. Dont get me wrong they helped me in the beginning but I was feeling really bad on them. I was on 300 venlafaxine, I think the max dose is 225, so the side effects were probably contributing to the depressiona and anxiety.
Anyway this is such a wafflie post!!! I am sorry!! My husband is understandably under a lot of strain and is using me as his battling ram at the minute. I am finding it very hard to cope and have had urges to fall back into bad habits. I am frightened at the minute incase I loose control. If feel guilty about his mum, I feel guilty about his dad and I am afraid of how it is all going to pan out. I have remained close to one good friend but have isolated myself from the others. I am again beginning to feel panicky when I go outside. I feel vile and putrid again most of the time. I put off seeing a pyscologist but have made an appointment for two weeks. I dont see my physciatrist for 2 months. I am scared now. I dont want to go back on meds especially after coming off them horrible venlafaxine, the side effects were awful, but I am scared not to.
If you have managed to make sense or even finish reading this load of dribble with grammatical and spelling disasters then thank you xx