View Full Version : Can't take much more........
RobyBaggio18
04-11-05, 22:26
I have enough of this bull**** I really have.
All my housemates have gone out, my girlfriends gone out and Im sitting hear in tears cuz of I can't make sense of whats in my head. For the last 5 months Ive struggled and had no professional support at all. A year ago I was at college, had a career, was relaxed, happy and healthy. Now I'm a mess, thin, pale and an emotional wreck. I'm wearing the same clothes I wore last year, no interest in anything but my feelings and symptoms, feel like a robot.
I dread the weekend, everyones the same, I can't even drag myself out of bed to face reality, reality being dizziness, nausea, nervousness, blah blah same old crappy anxiety symptoms.
I'm half the person I was last year, Im sick of hearing people say "you'll be fine soon". How the hell do they know.
I've got nothing. Anxiety took away 2 years of my life before, I cant face losing that amount of time again.
Keep hearing its a blip, do blips take 5 months?
sorry for ranting, needed to get these thoughts out. Ive got no one to talk to except 4 walls.
chellebelle
04-11-05, 22:45
I know exactly how you feel, I get really angry at my panic all the time. When anxiety is at it's worst it is terrifying, exhausting, confusing, frustrating and at times, too much to bear. I think about the people you read about who are dying of a terminal illness but are seen as couragous because they never say "why did this happen to me", but i ask all the time.
I'm not going to say "you'll be fine soon", because heck, you probably won't be...but keep in mind, as naff as it sounds, this will pass. Sure. it will probably come back, but you'll hopefully have learnt the skills to deal with it better each time! I promise IT WILL PASS!
I can say I know, because i have been there, you'll be thinking "yeah, but not as bad as this", i think that's what we all think, because it is so bad, it is hell and a nightmare and all you want is to wakeup from that nightmare. You've not "got nothing", it may feel like it but you've got a girlfriend, friends, everybody on this site who are here for you, who feel for you and who understand! Take strenght and know you are never alone!
PS. it's not a blip
"BUT it's DIFFERENT this time!"
RobyBaggio18
04-11-05, 23:11
the reason I'm so angered is 3/4 years ago I was worse than this, but I recovered and I was happier than Ive ever been. Ive been on a steady decline for about 6 months prior to this. I know life's better than this but this is the second time in 4 years that this has happened. I don't want a lifetime of this. I'm gonna be scared that everytime I have a problem in life to deal with I get supplied with anxiety/panic. And I know for a fact that theres gonna be bigger problems to face than what led me to this.
You can get through this again. It ain't gonna happen overnight but you can do it.
Are you getting any type of exercise at all?
Are you still at work?
Are you eating properly?
Cheers,
Trev
RobyBaggio18
04-11-05, 23:30
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You can get through this again. It ain't gonna happen overnight but you can do it.
Are you getting any type of exercise at all?
Are you still at work?
Are you eating properly?
Cheers,
Trev
<div align="right">Originally posted by Trev - 04 November 2005 : 23:26:06</div id="right">
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Yes to all 3.
This is the first exercise regime ive done in 5 years, and possibly my best diet ive ever had. Last time I was off work for 8 months, Ive only had a week off this time through anxiety. I forced myself back into it, I'm so glad i did.
That's good news for a start. What sort of exercise are you doing?
1) Are you totally aware of the mechanism of what's happening to you? Have you read any Claire Weekes books etc? I found her "Self Help For Your Nerves" extremely helpful.
2) Are you getting any proper relaxation time and trying to relax? (even though I know it feels impossible)
3) Are you trying to accept it and not fight it? (Again easy said) If you time it and think, "Oh **** not another week / month" etc then it will only create more agitation.
4) Do you know if you have specific reasons for this or specific triggers?
carldourish
04-11-05, 23:47
I was very much like you a few years ago, until I started to take back control or responsibility.
Do you want to control your life, or hand over control to others. Taking responsibility is taking control of those parts of your life that are within your control, while letting go of trying to control what is not.
Its easy to blame others, thats what I did, but until you decide to see yourself as responsible for your situation then you don't have any power to change it.
Stop for a moment and imagine what it would be like to take responsibility for your life..to have the power to make choices and changes in every area of your life. To be in control of your finances, your relationships and your sense of well-being.
Your self image is the way you see yourself in your imagination. The reason your self-image is so powerful is because your behaviour will almost never deviate from this internal map. It acts as a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.
How you think of yourself also effects how OTHER people feel about you. Because over 90% of what we communicate is unconscious.
THE THREE SELVES
At our core is our authentic self - the reality of who and what we really are.
But pilled on top of the real us, with all our weirdness, is that layer of shame, fear and guilt, the person we're afraid we are, our negative self-image.
So in order to make sure people still like us, approve os us and give us love, we pile yet ANOTHER layer on top of our feared self - the person we pretend to be.
As you begin to excavate your real self out from under who you're afraid you are and who you pretend to be, you get to shift positions from driven to driver.
A. YOUR PRETEND SELF: Who you pretend to be
Your pretend self is the image you project into the world. Often, this image is based less on how you really are than on covering over how you are afraid you are. Ask and answer the following questions, theres no right or wrong answer.
* How do you like to be seen?
* Which aspects of your personality do you hope people notice?
* What is it most important that everyone knows about you?
* If your life were trying to prove something about you, what would it be?
B. YOUR NEGATIVE SELF-IMAGE Who you are afraid you are.
If someone calls you a name that you don't identify with (for example "you dirty green idiot") there is rarely an emotional attachment. If something upsets us, it's usually because at some level we believe it might be true.
Any negative traits you identify are not really yours - they belong to your negative self-image and were programmed into you when you were a child. By indentifying them honestly, you are about to let them go!
It can be hard to look directly at your own worst fears about who and what you are - after all, you've probably spent a large portion of your life avoiding doing just that. For that reason, most of these questions point to things that reveal your negative self-image rather than your negative self-image itself:
* What's the opposite of each of the traits of your pretend self?
* Which of your secrets will only be discovered after you die?
* Who is your least favourite person and why?
(Most perception is projection - we most dislike in others what we fear can be found in ourselves!)
C YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF: Who you truly are.
By identifying the traits and characteristics of your three selves, you are freeing yourself up to live more and more from the heart of who you really are - your powerful, loving, unstoppable authentic self.
Here's a guideline to know whether you are identifying a trait of characteristic of your authentic self of if you are caught up in the trap of your negative self-image:
* Who you really are always feels like coming home?
* Who are you when nobody's watching?
* If you felt totally safe, what would you do differently?
* Who would you be if you lived beyond fear?
REPROGRAMMING YOUR SELF-IMAGE
In my experience traditional positive thinking is not very effective. Standing in front of a mirror saying "Day by day in every way I am
RobyBaggio18
04-11-05, 23:48
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">That's good news for a start. What sort of exercise are you doing?
1) Are you totally aware of the mechanism of what's happening to you? Have you read any Claire Weekes books etc? I found her "Self Help For Your Nerves" extremely helpful.
2) Are you getting any proper relaxation time and trying to relax? (even though I know it feels impossible)
3) Are you trying to accept it and not fight it? (Again easy said) If you time it and think, "Oh **** not another week / month" etc then it will only create more agitation.
4) Do you know if you have specific reasons for this or specific triggers?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Trev - 04 November 2005 : 23:40:29</div id="right">
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Try and go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week, at least 20-30 mins on the bikes and then weights. I'd like to bulk up but weights kill your muscles when they're tense. Got self help from your nerves and essential help for your nerves, always refer back to it when necessary (which at the moment is every day).
Acceptance is the hardest part for me, its the hypervigilance i cant stand, makes me feel like a complete cabbage and completely controlless.
As far as I am aware its just concentrating on the symptoms that creates the anxiety/panic.
Just based on my experience, I would suggest not worrying about bulking up at the moment but maybe just doing a bit more more cardio stuff to really burn the adrenaline off.
You don't mention relaxation. Have you tried yoga or getting good massages. These both really helped me.
You do have to make that leap of faith ultimately. The cure can only come from inside you.
It's not pleasant to realise that you are doing this to yourself and you can start to worry about being a failure etc. Don't go down this road. It's a waste of energy and untrue.
You sound pretty acute at the moment. And whe you are acute there is nothing more you can do but accept this fact as best you can. As Claire Weekes says, it can take up to 3 months to fully de-sensitise the body........and that's with full acceptance!
Carl makes some very useful and interesting points. Again, you are the only one who can resolve this (as I'm sure you know).
It's good that you have kept the structure with work, but do get adequate rest as well.
Don't stop going out because you feel ****. I used to go out feeling so rough I could hardly understand what people were saying but ultimately it was worth it.
You didn't mention if you know what triggered it all?
Cheers,
Trev
RobyBaggio18
05-11-05, 00:48
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Just based on my experience, I would suggest not worrying about bulking up at the moment but maybe just doing a bit more more cardio stuff to really burn the adrenaline off.
You don't mention relaxation. Have you tried yoga or getting good massages. These both really helped me.
You do have to make that leap of faith ultimately. The cure can only come from inside you.
It's not pleasant to realise that you are doing this to yourself and you can start to worry about being a failure etc. Don't go down this road. It's a waste of energy and untrue.
You sound pretty acute at the moment. And whe you are acute there is nothing more you can do but accept this fact as best you can. As Claire Weekes says, it can take up to 3 months to fully de-sensitise the body........and that's with full acceptance!
Carl makes some very useful and interesting points. Again, you are the only one who can resolve this (as I'm sure you know).
It's good that you have kept the structure with work, but do get adequate rest as well.
Don't stop going out because you feel ****. I used to go out feeling so rough I could hardly understand what people were saying but ultimately it was worth it.
You didn't mention if you know what triggered it all?
Cheers,
Trev
<div align="right">Originally posted by Trev - 05 November 2005 : 00:05:49</div id="right">
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in October 2001 it was a bad experience in a nightclub that triggered it but to be honest looking back i think my lifestyle prior to that was a recipe for disaster. for a year i went out every weekend clubbing really abusing recreational drugs, not just one or two but about 20 ecstacy pills a weekend. That coupled with a crap job, horrible home life, terrible diet and no exercise its no wonder that i burnt out.
I didn't understand what was going on really and neither did any of my friends. I was disowned by my parents, i lost my job and for the first six months convinced myself i was brain damaged. it took a long time to convince me otherwise with the help of CBT. In about the summer of 2003 things really picked up and since then I've had a normal life, been on holiday, passed two years at college, driving lessons.
Things started to go a bit awry just before xmas. I kept getting obsessed with stupid thoughts about my girlfriend, the things that ive done to her in the past are horrible, cheating etc. She's said shes forgotton the past and it doesn't matter but that wasn't enough to convince me. If she went out without me i'd sit at home worrying whether she'd dumped me and id get the worst stomach cramps. It got so bad that id send her a text and if she didnt reply within 5 mins i'd assume the worst. If she was going out without me then id actually plan my night of lying on the bed, anxiously watching the clock tick before she'd come home. I had no interest in anything, id demand to see her 24/7. Only now I realise how unhealthy this is and how it damaged my health.
If this wasn't bad enough then coupled with the stress over my exams I had a HUGE panic attack while having a vaccination for my holiday. Ive had panic attacks in between but just shrugged them off but I for some reason these kept happening. This then put me back into anxiety.
Reading Claire Weekes book i now understand the nature of sensitization, and it doesn't take a fool to work out that sensitization started months prior to my panic attacks. Looking back i should have seen it coming. I still get the worrying thoughts about my g/friend but I'm now more obsessed with thoughts that anxiety is gonna rob me of another two years.
I just want a better quality of life, holidays, get back to driving lessons, clearer mind, but dont we all?
oh relaxtion wise I use hypnotherapy, tried yo
Ok, it's pretty obvious what caused it to start off. That's in the past now.
You are right, the way you were behaving towards your girlfriend (and yourself btw) was unhealthy for you, (probably for both of you). Again, if you've dealt with all of the issues around this then it should be in the past and left there.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I still get the worrying thoughts about my g/friend but I'm now more obsessed with thoughts that anxiety is gonna rob me of another two years.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Of course you are going to be anxious if you continue to beat yourself up and also if you start watching the clock. It won't "rob" you if YOU don't let it. Do the things that you would normally do as much as possible (apart from the drugs obviously, but you say this is in the past).
Get comfortable with the fact that it is not going to change overnight. It is HIGHLY unlikely you will wake up one day and say "I'm ok now" and that will be it all over and done with.
YOU are going to have to accept that it takes time and it involves work on your part. I can only base my advice on what has worked for me.
In broad terms I would say the key factors are...
1) Relaxation. (And paradoxically, you have to work at this!) Stick with the yoga (but find a good one that you enjoy. Quality of classes varies wildly so search out one appropriate to you). Breaks away with your girlfriend.
2) Distraction. Closely linked to relaxation in a way. I took up the guitar which I'd always wanted to do. It focuses your mind on something else. I also used to do martial arts and that would be another good type of thing I reckon. Again, find a good quality teacher if you go this route. Martial art quality varies wildly. These distractions are also relaxing....although you may not think of it that way. But they make the mind focus totally on something else which is, to my mind, a key element of acceptance as well. It frees up the anxious part of the brain to take a break.
3) Structure. Eat well. DO NOT STAY INDOORS. I don't think this applies to you? If you get the urge though to spend alot of time indoors or in bed then nip it in the bud and get outside and go for a walk. This is where I think you are wise to stick with your job if it is possible. (Structure and distraction combined).
4) You'll know this one from Claire..........DON'T RUSH TO GET IT OVER WITH. It just creates the agitation that I can sense in your posts. I actually think it's harder sometimes when you have glimpsed "normailty" again because you want it even more. It therefore disappears off again! I think she also states that you have to think of it like the runner in a race. He doesn't just stop dead on the line he has to plough on and aim for that extra few metres beyond the line.
5) You do have to accept it.
6) Regular aerobic exercise. Min 30 minutes per day of something that makes you really sweat (or glow as Piglet likes to call it :D).
I think you know what has to be done because you have already been through it. You may have slipped back into old habits without realising it. Memory is enough at times. Of course you don't want to go back to how it was. Nobody here does. That alone is enough to trigger things off.
YOU are the one who will make these things happen. YOU will have to maybe think about how much you are prepared to put the time into the things that are going to help.
You'll know all about negative and positive thinikng spirals, I'm sure. There are points in your posts that are obvious negative thinking spirals. Got to TRY (at least) and get the positive thoughts in there where the negative ones currently exist.
Right, my fingers are also now hurting!!
Cheers,
Trev
Hi Rob,
Carl and Trev have given such good replies here that I myself took some heart from.
We all often arrive at the burnout stage and then looking back realise it actually started sometime before. The trigger for me was the breakup of my marriage and subsequent single motherhood. Essentially I looked like I was coping very well but after a couple of years of frenetic 'coping' the whole house of cards fell down around me.
The last 6 years have been spent picking myself back up. I've had some very good spells and some not so good spells but I would say I am learning an awful lot along the way.
In a funny sort of way I quite like hearing that we are doing this to ourselves as it means we could by definition reverse this trend.
To say anymore would only be repeating what Trev and Carl have said so will just add I do feel better for working up a 'glow' everyday and I too make sure I have some interesting/good fun distractions to get absorbed in.
Love Piglet:)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
RobyBaggio18
05-11-05, 14:02
Thanks everyone for your replies.
I feel I'm a lot more equipped to deal with this than last time round. I have my friends round me, a girlfriend, a good diet and more exercise than Ive done before.
I don't think I glimpsed normality but actually had it for 2 years. But even in that time I took my health for granted.
I think I need to start looking at other areas of my life, the period I went into sensitisation I had no hobbies, no interest, just an interest in making myself miserable. When Ive recovered this time hopefully I can stop the rot before it sets in.
p.s
Trev, are u now recovered?
Hi Rob,
when I mentioned glimpsing I meant those short periods where sometimes you think it's actually going, only to wake up next day feeling worse! Don't know if you went through that last time?
Two years free is great. It sounds to me like you realise deep down why you've slipped back and you seem to be looking at it objectively..........
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think I need to start looking at other areas of my life, the period I went into sensitisation I had no hobbies, no interest, just an interest in making myself miserable. When Ive recovered this time hopefully I can stop the rot before it sets in.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Accept it's a pain in the ****, treat it as a blip, which is what it is. Longer than you'd hoped, but it is a blip. Get things back in order, take control yourself, and move on...........but do learn from it. We are creatures of habit and as soon as we feel ok we slip back into things. It doesn't mean we can't do the things but we did before but we do know what to expect if we follow the exact same old route!
I'd say I'm recovered, yes. I might get the odd spin out or ectopic but for the last month or 2 everything has been ok really. And at the end of the day these are normal experiences that we have come to fear so much, for whatever reason.
I'm still working on it a bit though. I've made changes. Will continue with yoga as I really enjoy it. Considering the martial arts again but not made a decision on that yet for various reasons.
Getting back into "proper" exercise at the gym was my final thing really and that's really helped to sort out the final edginess I was experiencing.
You can do it Roby, just be a bit easy on yourself and patient with it. Sort out positive things to do......and stick with them this time!! :D
Having a good girlfriend and friends around you is a major help. Sometimes you feel you might have let people down, especially when you are seen as the one everyone turns to in a crisis (as it was with me) but hey, the people who have since admitted to me that they suffered the same thing has been staggering. It was often those people who appeared the most confident. Don't waste time on that one as I said before.
Pick yourself up mate, face it, accept it and just do some good stuff and see where you are in a few months. I bet you'll see a positive change if you apply all the elements that you know you need to.
And don't watch the clock!!!!!
All the best,
Cheers,
Trev
roby,
some absolutely great advice been given here and it would seem you knew alot of it anyway just needed reminding like we all do. gym 2 - 3 times a week, still getting out, recovered before, yep youve got what it takes without a doubt. patience my friend.........and in the space of your four replies you are sounding like the confidence has begun to return already..........
and by the way ive read a few of your replies to things and your attitude is great, straight talking no nonsense.....so lets get on with getting better and getting u bulked up again and being the roby you wanna be.
take care.
andy
carldourish
05-11-05, 18:15
So much excellent info here. Just another technique I use often.
THE INNER CRITIC
I've found nothing takes the wind out of your sails more quickly than a few critical comments made by the wrong person at the wrong time. And the worst critic you will ever encounter is the one who lives inside your own mind. The way we talk to ourselfs has a profound impact on our emotional state.
For example, when you make a mistake, consider the tone of voice you use when you talk to yourself. Do you say "Oh, goody, another learning experience!" or is it more like "You stupid idiot, you really screwed up that time!" or "When are you ever going to learn!"
Remember a time when you made a big mistake and recall how you spoke to yourself. What does it sound like? Is it critical, is it angry, sarcastic or resigned?
Many people presume that just because there's a voice inside their head they have to listen to it. But criticism is meant to be constructive, and if what your inner voice says is not supporting you, try this simple experiment. I do like my experiments.
THE INNER CRITIC
(1) Stop for a moment and talk to yourself in your critical voice, saying all those nasty things in that unpleasent tone.
(2) Now, notice where you make that voice. Does it seem to be coming from inside yuor head or outside? Is it at the front, the sides or the back?
(3) Extend your arm and stick out your thumb.
(4) Wherever the critical voice was, move it down your arm to the tip of your thumb, so it's now speaking to you from there.
(5) Next, slow it down and change the tone of it. Make it sound sexy, or speed it up so it sounds like Mickey Mouse.
It sounds much less threatening like that, doesn't it.
Carl
I just wanted to reply to this to keep it live, and say thanks and well done to everyone on this thread. Sometimes you get a thread which a real "keeper" - this is one of those.
Time and time and time again those sufferers who have recovered tell those of us who haven't that the keys are time, relaxation, acceptance, exercise, healthy living, distraction and keeping on doing the things we would normally do.
When you look at that it looks simple - "oh, that's all I need to do?", but the reality is that when you are feeling awful, all these things can actually be very difficult.
For me, I find taking time out to relax very difficult. Even though I know it would help me.
So there is the answer yet again. Recovery is in our hands, but we will have to WAIT and we will have to WORK to get it. Yes, it sucks. But are we going to listen this time and are we going to get on with it?
That's up the individual, and up to how much we really want it.
thanks again everyone for this thread, be well,
Gareth
*** I think, therefore I'm anxious ***
I agree with Gareth about this being a good thread. It's one of those to keep for reading through 'wobbly' patches or just to remind yourself of how to keep on track.
A lot of it is what we already know but somehow need to keep re-reading to reassure and reinforce.
As much as anything it makes you realise you are not on your own with this!
Love Piglet :)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
RobyBaggio18
08-11-05, 21:26
It is a good thread and certainly helped me on Friday when I was going up the wall.
Sometimes things can get too much but this place is reassurance on tap. Wish I'd found it years ago when I first went through it.
Some posts are worth viewing over and over. I think I had a printed copy of Meg's story in my bag for about two months.
thanks again to people who helped me through a difficult night on Friday.
carldourish
08-11-05, 22:05
Nice and simple, this time. Your welcome.
Shortest thread I've done.
Carl
Glad to hear you're feeling better Roby.
Gareth. What you say reminds me of a quote which I think is Claires.....again! (......I'm not on commission I promise!) :D
It basically says that "the cure is very simple, but it's not easy".
That always stuck in my mind as it sums it up perfectly I think.
Hope you are ok,
Cheers,
Trev
hi.
i think that threads like these are useful not only to people who are asking for help, but people who are giving help as well.. as we are writing these advices out it helps us ourselves get it through our head. i find that when i give advice, i take a lot of it and go..wow..i should be doing that myself...
i also have read somewhere, that a lot of people who go through anxiety know exactly what it is..we all know why we get these symptoms, we all know they are not dangerous or threatening..we know this..so why doesnt it help us..because we have to believe it.
knowing it is one thing, but believing it is hard. i think this is a real big part of acceptance, dont tell yourself.."its okay its just anxiety" if you really dont beleive it. i think it is really important to believe in yourself, and believe that you are okay. this helps me a lot with accepting my symptoms.
just thought i'd share some of my thoughts.
stan
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