18 years ago

[Alisonj]

My life changed forever. My father died at the age of 41 from a massive heart attack. It was a few short weeks later that I had my very first panic attack which quickly turned into agoraphobia. 18 years that I have lived every day in major fear that I would suffer the same fate as my father. Not a day goes by that I dont miss him more than you can imagine.
I would like to be able to say if he saw me now he would be proud but I think he would be devastated at what I have become. A person who suffers daily, cannot work, fights to make it through the day from the constant fear.
I was once a happy go lucky young girl full of hope and life who wanted to be a doctor and had the potential. I in no way blame my father, but it makes you wonder in a spiritual sense, why things like this happen. Why take someone so young, a father of two. It all seems so cruel. I am hoping that today is not to rough of a day.:weep::weep::weep:

[daisy232627]

I am so sorry for your loss and I won't pretend to understand exactly what you feel because your pain is your own. I can tell you I understand what it feels like to have your faith shaken and feel like everything was ripped away from you. My mom and sister both died from cancer and in between their deaths my other sister commited suicide, this all happened within a 9mo period. My sisters had 3 young kids between them and it was devistating. It all seems so unfair, how could this happened, why.

The truth is we will never be able to understand this injustice and we have to move forward in our lives, even if it feels impossible. We have to set aside the time to grieve and continue to live because we have no choice. They have moved on to better place (this is my belief) and this period of seperation is only temporary. I know you miss him and grieve for the life you did not have but, you are still here and its never too late to start living. I too was afraid that I was next too....but I am not them and you are not him. I know your fears overwhelm you but, you can get through this, it is possible to overcome and start healing. Have you been to therapy or tried taking any meds. It has been 3yrs since my family passed and I still have days where I feel like I am pushing to make it mintue by minute but, I also have wonderful days where I feel strong. I credit alot of my recovery to therapy and meds and God, even though I was really mad at him/her for a long time.

You probably feel like you have been this way for too long to change...well this is just not true, there is always hope! You have to pick yourself up and start making those steps (and they are baby step, but they add up) and you will have set backs, everyone does....you may have to pick yourself up hundreds of times but you can do it, you are worth it and deserve to be happy!

[Alisonj]

Thank you so much daisy, your words have helped more than you can imagine. I am so sorry for your losses as well, you seem to be a very strong person.

[daisy232627]

I am so glad I was of some help. I don't always feel strong...in fact it comes and goes and it took me a real long time to see that I am....after the panic started I always viewed myself as weak. We are not weak we just have hard lives. Life is just so rough sometimes.

By the way, it was nice chatting with you for those few minutes the other night in the chat room (you may not remember me lol...it was my first time there). I have been in chat rooms before where the people were so rude or they ignore you when you say hi and you are really nice....so thank you....