Feel like giving up, i try so hard

[nutteetart]

need some encouragement please.

I am frustrated to the point i have just sobbed and sobbed my heart out, terrifying my partner and son. I just want to give up. If this anxiety,panic and agoraphobia is all down to me to fix then i just can't do it. It's too hard. I've tried and tried. I go for walks each day and drives and try to push my boundaries and i manage bit by bit and then out of the blue, something i thought i had won over is just overwhelming and i am forced back to the beginning again. Is it any wonder we are depressed?

This morning i woke quite positive. The sun is shining (always a positive for me) so i went straight out for my walk. Got about 100 yds (2 or 3 more than before,great) then my partner suggests we pop up to mums. (about 3 mins in car). At this point completely out of the blue i start to feel so dizzy, i feel nausea, but i must fight. So i went. I got v anxious in the car so immediately got out at the other end otherwise i will tense so much i cant move. Walked up mums garden but had to grip hold of my son in case the ground moved any more and i fell off the world. went in the shed for a mo and breathed into my hands just for a few seconds. Thought i should take my mind off it so i picked up some leaves for mum. Stayed about 20 mins and then had the same awful return journey. As we got home, i felt angry, frustrated, i dont want to be here at the start again. Home is my safe place but its also a prison. Its somewhere i have to start all over from and i dont want to be here. I dont understand why one day i can manage so much and the next i am a quivvering wreck. I feel crushed. Just when you think you have a grasp, a new symptom turns up. Just gutted. Cant do this anymore.

Does anyone honestly recover from this?

[PanicOver!!]

Hi YES YES YES

You can recover i have been where you are now and know how bad it can be but you can and will recover.
you just need to find the thing that works for you it is out there so never give up looking or asking for help

best wishes x

[GMarsh]

i agree felt and still do feel simular feelings seek some help and you will recover. i needed some meds to help me through the past 18 months and they do help along with some theropy try claire weeks books they are great.

[sue.b]

I know where you are at the moment because I am there too. I am 4 months in to upping my ad's (depression & anxiety) Had 3 good weeks, could see light at the end of the tunnel, saw the psychiatrist and he felt i was well on the road to recovery, I even felt i could go away for a weekend before xmas, which was a big improvement because a month or two before i didn't think i would ever go away again.

Then, out of the blue on Thursday i felt anxious, panicky, can't cope feelings, low mood agoraphobia worse...:weep:.

Certainly is a weird illness. :unsure:

On the positive side, I had this 13 years ago and not only did I completely recover the last 10 years I was better than ever....so there is hope, don't give up.

I can empathise with how bad you feel, sometimes it can't be put into words.:scared15:

If you feel like crying go ahead and have a good sob and let your emotions out, I wish I could but my emotions feel stuck :unsure:.

Are you on any meds at the moment?

Take care

Sue xxx:bighug1:

[nutteetart]

Thank you

Have you recovered Panicover?

I have suffered for 10 yrs to varying degrees but it never left me. I faced it every day but i have never found what works for me. If i felt i had some control over it, i think it would help. Ive tried breathing, distraction Claire Weekes, i just dont know what to try anymore.
Panicover, whats your secret, i feel like i have nothing left. I need to know that i can recover. I have searched and searched but other that Charles Linden, i cant find anyone else who has recovered. Am i not doing it right?

[nutteetart]

Thank you Sue, you posted as i was replying.

I am just starting Pregablin (5th day of 150mg) i have diazepam but dont use unless i have to.

How did you recover before and why did you relapse? Do you think that when you relapse its a time thing, that to a dregree you have to see this through for a while?

I'm even too agoraphobic to go and get help. I am seeing psych and cbt therapist but they come to me at the mo.

[PanicOver!!]

Hi

Im just about fully "normal" whatever that is

after having CBT and finding out all i could on the subject... and one i learned not to fear the attacks but just let them happen... after that they just reduced in severity.. i still have bad days but it doesnt stop me doing what i want

good luck x

[PanicOver!!]

if you want to send me a private message i will give you my full story.. have to pop ot for a while now but will reply

[nutteetart]

Hi Marc
Thank you for your patience.

If you dont mind me asking, did you suffer with the same things as me, anxiety, panic, agoraphobia and depression? If so, what was your regime? Did you do walks like me? How long did it take you before you could take on more?
You mention about research and i truly have and i 'get it' even my therapist finds it hard to understand why i cant move forward. Am i a lost cause?
Fay

[Downsinthenorth]

Hi nutteetart

I'm a bit nervous about writing this, in case I'm not being very helpful. Anyway, here goes.

I've found that when I'm making the decision whether or whether not to push boundaries, I can cope. The problem comes when other people make suggestions, and then my anxiety goes into overdrive. I am definitely no expert, but (for me) it is the lack of control over my mind and body's reactions, and therefore, increasingly, over my life, which I find so terrifying and frustrating. Therefore, I have found that I have to be in control of my recovery.

If you think that this might apply to you, you might want plan your next trip out with partner, with the option of going on to your mum's. However, you might find it better to ask your partner (or whoever is with you) not to change the plan, unless you yourself make the suggestion (and only if you feel like you can cope). Explain to them what you are trying to achieve, and I am sure they will understand and be supportive. You must decide how much stress you are going to put yourself through, AND for how long - it seems to vary from day-to-day, I find.

You are obviously a very courageous person to have achieved so much. Tell yourself that (because it is true), and make sure you reward yourself afterwards. I read, paint or checkout the Internet, for at least an hour, so that I can wind down. Sometimes I eat lots of chocolate too, which isn't very healthy and is bad for my diet, but what the hell!

I've been wondering if I will be like this forever (I hope not). Anyway, at the moment I have made the decision to take each day as it comes.

All the best

Downsinthenorth

[nutteetart]

Hi Downs

I definitely have control issues. Its probably part of the condition because i dont trust anyone else not to push me too far. I think thats part of cbt that you still feel in control. My therapistne doesnt push me as such but she gets my back up and pushes my buttons until i think, i will show her what i can do! but it doesnt last long.

I still feel awful even now. My head is swimming and is tense and i feel faint. I also feel sleepy, so obviously that will make it worse because then i have health anxiety. My head is worse today tho and its scaring me to death. If i wasnt so unsteady i would go out again. Maybe i should have a sleep and try again, i just dont know what to do for the best. I try to fill my days doing things that are supposed to help. I get quite obsessed about it. Im getting agitated now because i should be walking or doing something positive. Feel i am hiding on here. If im on here, i dont have to walk type thing. And i am angry, so $%&$ing angry with myself. Feel so lonely and desperate and sad.
Sorry waffling
Fay XX

[nutteetart]

I just typed a reply and then i lost it! Its not my day

Thanks Downs

I definitely have control issues, i think its part of the condition. I think even with CBT they make you feel in control, its quite an important part of it. My therapist doesnt push me as such but she winds me up and pushes my buttons so i get to a stage of 'sod you, i can do this' type thing. But it doesnt last long. None of the positive things do. Do you ever feel like your brain is working against you and if you do something positive its like your brain says 'oh no you dont!' and then may make up a new symptom?

I just feel gutted. My head is still tense and swimming, and i feel like i should be doing something rather than sitting on here. If i am on here, im not doing anything constructive to get well and i need to get well asap. If its all up to me i need to get on with it, just dont know if i can x

[nutteetart]

Now i have 2 messages!!! i have definitely lost the plot

[Downsinthenorth]

Hi again

I think it's natural to want to gain some control over your life - even if it is an illusion. The problem is that I have lost trust in myself to make decisions, because of the state I'm in. Having some kind of control over the decisions I am making, does seems to be a very important part of my recovery process - even if the decision turns out not to be for the best.

If you are feeling really bad, you probably need to do something to help yourself unwind (also an important part of your recovery). Try listening to soothing music, read a light book or paint. My sister finds meditation really helps her (does nothing for me except make me feel more tense, I'm afraid).

Sometimes you have to write the day off, and start afresh tomorrow, I find. Spend the rest of the day being very kind to yourself.

:hugs:

Downsinthenorth

[nutteetart]

My replies dont appear to have been posted. Any ideas?

[nutteetart]

Its okay ive sorted the technicals.

I think you are right Downs, i have had to write days off in the past and start again with a vengeance the following day. I think today was harsh because i was quite confident this morning and then the rug got pulled again. Devastating.

I used to paint, i enjoyed it and it formed part of my recovery before but i just cant find the motivation this time. I've done a couple of drawings but i lose interest quickly. I cant think of anything that i want to do at the moment. I end up doing boring things like housework. That can take me days to do because i have to do it in bits. But i feel like i need to do my jobs first. Then i am at a loss. Typical depressive emotions i suppose. I must trust that they will lift.

I lost my horse after 25 yrs in March and my partner bought me another one (which we cant really afford). She is beautiful but because i am agoraphobic i cant get to see her and do for her. My partner and friend take care of her. She is a goal but it too big a goal at the moment.

Going to have to just accept that today is crap.
Fay
X

[sue.b]

Hi Fay

13 years ago, (at 37 yrs) I had lots and lots of negative life events in the previous 5 years, I had agoraphobia quite bad in my teens, but eased off to almost nothing in my 20's & early 30's. So the life stresses and being a bit agoraphobic led me to depression.

I was put on sertraline, had CBT, Stress Management and Anger Management courses (I wasn't angry I was passive). It took me about 5 months to get over the worst of it, but it took another two or three years before i got my confidence back. In this time every little anxiety or stress i would start to think it was "all coming back". The last 10 years have been really good, still had odd bouts of anxiety, but i think this was related to the dregs of agoraphobia that remained.

The psychiatrist and the therapist both think that in the last year or two i have been over doing things. A brief insight into my life from Nov to June this year.

November - firework party, grandsons birthday party weekend,9 kids staying.

December - Functions for two weekends
grandchildren (8 of them) staying over two weekends. Family christmas at ours , (has been for the last 22 years and lasts for 3 days, usually 10-12 adults and 10 kids most of whom stay
)

[sue.b]

ooops pressed the wrong buttons. I will carry on with december:

New years eve party for family at ours with people staying over.

January - weekend away
weekend out
my 50th birthday party that i arranged totally at home 80 guests
26 staying

February - weekend at hotel for a wedding (felt uncomfortable anyway)
on holiday for a week in gran canaria ( i might add holiday have
caused me anxiety, usually the first 3 days or so)

I wont go on any further than to say hubby and me run our own business, which due to the recession has been extremely quiet for all of this year (so some big decession looming there).I have alway had all the grandchildren to stay usually every other week for the weekend. Took 6 of them to Disney Paris in April (had an early warning there, as I had quite a big wobble). The final straw was hubby and me going to Portugal on holiday in June, had to come home a week early because of the anxiety, which almost immediately brought on the depression.

I am sorry i have gone on a bit, but thats my story and how i got to where i am today. i really did not expect to be here again thats for sure.

If you want to chat just pm me.

Take care

Sue:bighug1:

[nutteetart]

Thanks Sue, did you start with baby steps like going 100 yds up the road?
As for your schedule, i couldnt cope with that. Well done
Fay
X

[sue.b]

Yeah I did Fay,

We had a dog then so I used to just walk up the road with her, it took a while but I gradually got comfortable with it, and then progressed. then I started to drive on my own to the doctors, only a couple of mins in the car but it was a start.

It is important to take baby steps, and move on when you are comfortable, if you do too much too soon and you panic and scare yourself you may feel you are back to square one again, when you are not really.

Don't give up....says she...lol, you will get there.

Take care

Sue xx:bighug1:

[nutteetart]

Thanks Sue,
thats reassuring. especially saying not to push it because i do. It took me 2 wks to build up driving around the block (about a mile) and then got cocky, tried it going the other way and panicked, big time. Havent done it since.
We run our own business too. Thats why i need to hurry
Fay
X