View Full Version : Slowly Understanding the Why..
Hi All visted the Dr last night re the anxiety and depression I'd been experiencing - had the same Dr for the last 10 years so has a good understanding of me I think... The Why I was feeling so sh*t she answered straight away - my life has been crap ( not one to bleet or moan I've just turnt on the coping mechanism and hey presto! My Mum left me and my brother when I was 6, got stuck with a Pysco step mum who tried to ruin both of ours lives and our relationship with our Dad, very sad to say she almost suceeded with my Dad, god rest him.
Then went from one shitty relationship to another culminating in my ex husband who like to aliveate his stress on me. All in the past,life is now good I have a great partner, two wonderful nearly grown up girls and no worries.... so how can I feel so crap etc... Dr told me because life is now good I dont need to cope any more and suddenly all the pent up anxieties etc can now be dealt with.
Been prescribed 20mg of citalapram, with a review to counselling after xmas. Can anyone else relate to this ?
Yes, I've experienced the same result from different causes.
A perfect example how we can go on living our lives without realising there's a thorn in our foot and only finding out once it's been removed when we start experiencing the pain that it's left behind.
Also though, once the pain starts we often start looking for a "magic cure" from the doctor for the symptoms the pain produces without realising the real causes from all the years of emotional torment caused by too much worry, fear and stress.
Sometimes we just can't see it for ourselves because anxiety blinds us from the truth.:hugs:
Thank you
I really mean that, I had a crap life and finally met a guy who I loved and trusted, I was so happy but the more my feelings grew and I felt happy the more I feared I would lose it.
I became a nightmare to myself I felt I wasn't good enough, felt someone would take him away, felt I had to protect us from all sorts of dangers, but underneath it all I truly was in love.
I got worse and worse and he would walk away, unable to cope, this only made my fears grow stronger feeling he couldn't love me as he would leave me, he would say just stop it and we'll be fine, but I was so ill I didn't even recognise what I was doing almost as if I was on auto pilot, I would try to stop when I did recognise my behaviour.
I did lose him, totally he feels he is unable to even be friends, but think that maybe his way anyway, but now that I am getting counselling and on medication I see flaws from both parties.
However what you have confirmed is that I knew that I loved him but my past had resurfaced when I least expected it to and I lost control. It was not me, it was the illness that was fuelled by fear and he was unable to recognise how ill I was and how painful it was for me too living in that fear.
I thank you both, I am moving forwards, first of all I could see no point as I lost the thing that I feared losing and to me it proved how little he loved me (illness) now I can see how he had to walk away for his sanity and mine, I am saddened that this is what it came to, doctor didn't hear my cries of help and waited for nearly a year for treatment, which all came a little too late.
He has forgotton me moved onwards and forwards really believing I was just a nasty charactor all I did was panic until I broke, but now I will continue to mend myself.
Thank you both so much I needed that confirmation that we can be blinded by our own fears, to the point where nothing seems safe or normal. Now I can see but at the time I lived totally in fear and paid a high price.
We will all get through this some maybe faster than others, but all using the same strength and grow from it x
Hi Angie
I do not have a similar story but can strongly recommend a book - 'Been there, done that, try this' by Sam Obitz. It will explain why you feel as you do and how to overcome it.
I took citalopram last year and it was a 'wonder' drug. It took a few weeks to kick in and I was worse before I was better but persevere - it gave me back my life...
Good luck
Chantelle
Hi angie
i understand ..similar to you my mum left me when i was 3 lived with my dad that was alcoholic ..then went into a horrible relationships abusive , controlling partners ...now i am in calm relationship wher my prtner loves me and i can tell you my anxiety has never been this bad ...i read in a book that when you grow up and everything around you is a mess you learn how to cope with it ...but funny enough if then you reach a stage where you are loved and everything is good you find it hard to cope ...not sure if i made much sense ..hope so
it will be good to talk again as we r going through something similare
take care
Fran
i read in a book that when you grow up and everything around you is a mess you learn how to cope with it ...but funny enough if then you reach a stage where you are loved and everything is good you find it hard to cope
The reason for this is because the stakes become much higher. The more we have to lose, the more our fear and anxiety grows of losing it. The more important something is to us, the more pressure we put on ourselves.
From the beginning of a year, I was at home living with parents but by the end of that year I had a new job, a wife to care for and our own house. I didn't realise it at the time but gradually I became more ill and on of the reasons was because I felt I had so much more to lose.
When our lives are a mess, we feel no pressure other than the pressure from trying to cope but our minds are occupied on simply that- coping. We feel we have nothing to lose but when things settle and the pressure of coping is off, that's when anxiety hits because of the stress we've been under together with the added stress of fearing what we've gained.
We're intense people but we need to relax and I don't just mean relaxing in a chair. I mean taking a more relaxed approach to life, how we approach things and everything we do. Things don't have to be perfect all the time and we need to accept what will be, will be. To feel secure in the knowledge of what we have but not insecure in the knowledge of what we "could" lose. If we take a relaxed approach to life, we not only feel happier in ourselves but things also fall into place and we feel more happy and content.:hugs:
Sharon:hugs:
Your post disturbs me a little because I feel you "might" still be blaming yourself for what "he" did to you.
I lost the thing that I feared losing and to me it proved how little he loved me (illness) now I can see how he had to walk away for his sanity and mine
You loved him so much and this made you fear losing him but as it turned out, he left you rather than standing by you which really shows how one-sided the relationship was because if he felt as deeply towards you as you did for him, he would never have left. He had no fear of losing you because he didn't love you as much as you loved him so then how could it be for his sanity that he left? I could never do that. If I loved someone, I could never leave them.
i "hope" you don't blame yourself for what happened because in my view you did nothing wrong and don't really need counselling other than to show you how to take a more relaxed approach to life. I could certainly never leave a woman like you just because the woman loved me too much! Surely showing how much you're afraid of losing someone is showing how much they mean to you and what could be wrong in that? I'd much rather a woman be constantly making sure I'm not going anywhere than ignoring me because I would love "loving and reassuring" her that I wouldn't be going anywhere because it would make me feel needed!
No Sharon, I could never blame a woman like you for behaving as you did because I could understand the reasons and I would love that feeling of being needed. I much rather feel very close than distant so I feel he just didn't think like you and had a different make-up to yours. Why would any man want to leave a loving woman like you?
When someone is afraid, no matter what it is they're afraid of, you give them time, patience, understanding, comfort, reassurance, and above all....all your love. Isn't that what you tried to do for him to show how much he meant to you? What's wrong in that!? Why then shouldn't you expect the same? To me, it's just being perfectly normal when you love someone so much. I wish I'd married a woman like you and I mean that Sincerely!:hugs:
Thank you all so much for your kind words and support and for sharing your own experiences.
I just find it amazing how the light has been turnt on and now I can see the way ( just need to stay on the path!)
I'm shopping for the book now, its so good to know that there are other kind people out there going through or been through this mind turmoil.
xx:bighug1:
Hi Angie
Just wanted to wish you the very best of luck, don't lose the things you love due to fear, it is just the worst feeling ever.
Hope that it all works out successfully for you :flowers:
Hiya Bill,
I just want to say thank you :flowers: for your kind words, but loving someone too much is very painful for both parties, I feared every woman because of my past and hated being away from him panic would kick in as was never sure whether I would see him again.
He sent me a text telling me that he had loved me like he had never loved before but that he was angry at me for taking that away from him, that I made him feel like killing himself, so if I feel bad then imagine how it must feel when you love someone so deeply, more so than yourself and they say those words to you, he moved on quickly from me and is cold. He really does blame me for everything and therefore I blame myself, because he is no longer here.
But thank you so so very much I need all the support I can get and I will move forwards but what it has left me with is a void that I know I will never fill again, but I do still love him so very much, but I can't make him love me....can I
Sharon:hugs:
I can only say one thing....
I married my wife with her severe mental illness a few months after we met when she'd not been long out of hospital. For the first 10 years life was hell and I didn't get any support so I saw no hope and took od's and selfh but still no one listened or was there to help me. I came through it though but I still don't have a normal life or any form of a loving relationship but I'm still here trying to survive and not out of love but because I care and now want to be around to try and help others.
I stay because I care and I stay with friends for Life because I never stop caring for them either until they decide they no longer need me but I also believe that when you Truly love someone, you stay by their side through sickness and in health and always do your very best to give them love, care, understanding and support. That's all "You" did because you have a "warm heart" and you love to show how much someone you love means to you so I stand by what I said in my first reply to you. Sometimes people don't appreciate precious gems because they don't realise what they have because they can't be bothered to take the time to help the special jewel sparkle. :hugs:
Hi all
I too can relate to losing or shall i say pushing people away becos of how my illness has effected them,but i have learned that if they had been the right person they would have been by my side with me instead of standing behind me watching me go throught this alone,they was just not meant to be in my life....when i met my now husband he gave me an choice to either get help or he was walking away,he gave me the push i needed,he doesnt fully understand about the illness or how i feel inside but hes there for me to lean on ..and that makes me love him more
Hi Wendy
You are very lucky to have met someone like your partner, My partner too told me if I didn't stop he would walk away, but my counselling took such a long time that he did walk.
I believe he was the man for me, in every other way we were fantastic, but he didn't and doesn't understand what the illness can do to people and I think he now believes that illness is me, which breaks my heart.
I don't think you can replace someone who meant so much to you, you may move on in a different direction but I truly believe that once in a lifetime love is exactly that.
Everybody goes through different reasons for illness and I'm glad that your treatment came through for you quickly I should have moved to your town maybe things would be different. who knows.
What I do believe is that I have to concentrate on getting well and getting my own life back even if that means carrying a man in my heart with me along the route, real love doesn't just stop otherwise it wouldn't be real.
Best of luck to everyone we all deserve a love, a someone special, and to be happy within ourselves x:blush:
hi sharonsk
thank you
Please just let me explain,when i first met my now husband i was in the middle of the worst 12mnths of my life not knowing where to turn just wanting to die and had no purpose,then in he came i couldnt love him cos i couldnt love myself but he stayed travelling 6o miles to just spend 15 mins with me,i took all this for granted in the beginning but as i write this i feel so blessed..i did recover this was 5yrs ago but the last 5 mnths panic and stress has returned and once again he stands by me,i cant say he understands because he has not walked in my shoes but hes there when i need a hug....i will get better not just for me but for the both of us xx
Hi Wendy
I'm glad for you honestly I hope I didn't come across the wrong way, I'm genuinely glad for you, everyone deserves someone special and you have that.
I'm here so you can pm me anytime, if you ever wanna just talk absolutely no problem.
Hug sent I'm just lonely :hugs:Miss John like crazy and he still believes I did it to be hurtful to him.
:bighug1:
hey dont think that please..u didnt come across the wrong way....so sorry bout you and john i really am,but maybe he had to leave cos he just wasnt as strong as you and also he had to make way for someone who loves you for you .....keep smiling cos you never know whos watching,but aim to get better for you and only you ....:yesyes:
Sharon:hugs:
I feel in a way you seem to be suffering from grief because when we lose someone special we can't see a way forward.
When my mother lost my father after 59 years together, she told me she just couldn't imagine having anyone else in her life because no one could replace my father but there is a difference. She is over 80 whereas I would picture that you're much younger than that with your whole life ahead of you.
You say you're lonely but if you don't come to terms with your loss and help yourself to move forward, I fear that you will live your life always loving someone who will never come back because they can't return your love.
I know it will take time for you but while he gets on with his life, you really need to live your life too because someone as special as you should never always be lonely. You deserve so much more than that.:bighug1:
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