Aurun
30-10-09, 18:40
Hello everyone :)
It's hard to know where to start so its best i start from the beginning to explain my situation and why i feel i need to post. This is a loooooog story. Ive suffered with anxiety and panic attacks in the past (posted here 5 years ago) and i learnt to deal with them, but ive now encountered the biggest loss in my life (will explain) and its hit me harder than i ever thought possible - me and a partner have broken up and i have a broken heart.
Bit of back story :- my parents broke up when i was 6 on xmas eve and my mother went off with another guy. For the next 3 years i was beaten by my dad and starved (retribution against mother who knows). I went to live with my mom at aged 10 and had good teen years for a bit.
Im a big strong guy and very keen sporty super confident (normally lol). I met a girl aat 16 we got together, had a child at 19 - it went downhill from there (posted about it 5 years ago) - she didnt want to settle down and be a family but i was happy to - she cheated many many times and got abusive (verbally and physically - i never retaliated once cuz i cant hit a woman). We ended up living in a flat and i became claustrophobic which started off my anxiety along with how i was being treated, then we had problems with noisey abusive neighbours which added to it. I wasnt able to conquer my anxiety until we left the flat and things 'seemed' bearable.
I stayed in that relationship for another 4 years cuz i COULDNT leave my daughter like my mother left me - i wanted the 'happy' family thing SO badly!
But things came to a head, she left several times, cheated a few times and eventually she left last april. In the same week i lost my job, house and family.
I dont know how but i SURVIVED THAT, god knows how! Family and friends helped me a lot, i was a zombie. I moved back into my mothers and tried to 'carry on', i spent last summer chatting with women online, trying to meet people, ended up donig what my m8s kept suggesting meeting women from online, slept with quite a few but I didnt feel better, it wasnt right, it wasnt ME. Thats the backstory, nows why im the way i am now :-
Then in dec last year i met a women ironically via online and a friend - we clicked instantly, had everything in common, loved all the same things, were same star signs, it was amazing, i was instantly attracted to her mind body and soul.
We dated for 2 weeks and she told me new years eve she'd fallen in love with me, i told her the same back but felt very anxious. We then started spending lots of time together, 4 nights a week . Now all my life all id wanted was unconditional love and affection and she gave it me in abundance - the void that had been left due to my childhood and past relationship wanted to be filled so badly! I told her id make her the happiest woman alive, i told her daily how much she meant to me, how much i loved her (further into relationship), how beautiful she was and how special she was, every day. 4 weeks into relationship we'd agreed baby names for gods sake! But i was more than happy to cuz i fell hook line and sinker for her. She told me the same thing every day - how special i was, that id was making her the happiest woman alive, that she found it funny that in a month i made her happier with me than she had been with a guy for the past 4 1/2 years.
She'd told me on 2nd date she wanted kids and family house marriage by the time she was 28 (23 at the time but seemed very mature for her age). Now i was cagey about jumping in to fast but she gave so much and made me so happy, accpeted me and my child lovingly i returned it all, she convinced me we were soulmates and fate had bought us together.
Now a month into relationship she was talking about engagement rings, she'd gone through catalogues for things for house - we bot hwanted to live together BUT we were both in debt, me till now and her till jan 2011. The 1st 4-6 months she was so excited about us living together, and i kept saying i was too but its still another 18 months away, she'd print off info of places we could rent which i was happy to look at but locially knew they wouldnt be available in 18 months (possibly).
She was so full on, so intense, offered me all i wanted and said what i wanted to hear daily, was so affectionate i loved it.
But,,,, at the start of relationship i used to go to gym 3 times a week but she made me feel guilty about it as i wouldnt see her if i went to gym (she lived out of city), she didnt actually say that but made me feel it so i stopped going for 4 months. I put on 2 stone and said enoughs enough i gotta get back down there, she said she needed to get fit an would like to come to plus we'd get to be together there so we did for the last 4 months.
Also i started staying at hers more than at mine, 5 nights a week (when i didnt have my daughter), in the last few months i kept saying to her i felt uncomfortable staying at hers (her dads) so much and didnt want to step on his toes as its his house (also politley saying i wanted a bit of my own space) but she insisted its ok and i stay. A couple of times she went for drinks with a m8 and insisted i wait at hers an that its ok which i was uncomfortable with.
Everythnig was fine until mid sept.
She instantly changed, she went cold, was distant to me, non receptive. I asked her what was wrong and she kept saying it was work getting her down as might be laid off (had nearly happened a few times and id supported her through it). Then 4 weeks ago we went for meal and she said something was wrong, that she felt things had got 'too' routine and we were spending too much time together under each others feet (id tried aying it for weeks but she didnt listen). She said she felt she'd neglected her m8s but insisted she didnt want to break up just wanted some time to herself. I was like np, thats absolutly fine with me. I said what if u feel like this in 6 months and her reply was 'im a fighter, i love you more than anything id never give up', lol.
The next 2 weeks she continued to be distant no matter what i did, she wasnt her at all. Then on the sat she met me at work and broke up with me saying she 'couldnt do it anymore, she wasnt happy, had lived a lie for a few weeks, didnt love me anymore but didnt know why'.
i was a mess. We met the sunday night and talked, she said she wanted us to work, us to be happy again and things to be like as they 'were' at the beginning. She was very affectionate that evening cuddling like old days.
We had 4 days apart and met on the thur night, and had the best night we ever had, meal, id done candles, music cd, pink champagne, and the energy between us was electric, she told me lots of her feelings had coem back for me.
Then the friday and weekend she was cold, hardly heard from her at all. The monday i cooked her a meal and she was 'ok' but not receptive, the tuesday we went bowling/meal and she treated me like one of her lad m8s, i felt so uncomfortable. She'd told me the thur feelings had coem back but then told me tue that she had no feeling at all for me, but was gonna see how things went. We were meant to be going away that weekend and i needed soem answers before we went and instead she broke up with em by text lol. Said she though it was a mistake trying (she didnt try at all) and that shes not happy anymore (but didnt speak to me about it at all). It broke my heart. Id fallen unconditionalyl in love with her, trusted her, beleived all she'd said about soulmates, we'd planned out our next 4 years together, her dream became ours, i can imagine what our kids look like, she used too!
Now my anxiety came back when she started being distant in sept, and u can imagine it got worst with how things hae transpired recently to the point where in now in full depression and full of anxiety.
The void she filled is now hollow, she has totally cut me out of her life, not heard from her since monday, shes dropped all my stuff off.
Some thnis ive found out :- shes been engaged 4 times in 3 years. She was with a guy 4 1/2 years, kept breaking up cuz he didnt go through with ahving kids/marriage so she left him got with another guy. Was with other guy 7 months happy. THen the ex turned up saying he wanted kids etc and she broke up with the guy she'd been with 7 months like it was NOTHING. Shes able to cut things out of her life so easily.
She also told me she stopped loving me when the 'honeymoon' period ended (sept). She got this fairytale in her head about marriage, kids etc and a relationship being as intense all the way through like it is at the start. She'd had a hard childhood with alcoholic mother and her leaving for another man - so we both had a emotional void we wanted filled. She offered me what id always wanted in a partner and family and i offered her the same. But the reality of waiting another 2 years /18months it wore off for her. Tbh yes things did get a bit routine but not once did she suggest anything, it was always me. She never initiated anything cuz she said she feared rejection even though she rejected advances from me like 18 times a week lol. I could never win - she was never in the mood unless stimulated via neck / massaging (im good at), so id do that, she had car crash 2 years and and had bad back so id massage it to help her plus just being nice id do that. So she always thought i was after something even if i was just being loving! I tried talking to her about it an she said 'well if u massage me i'll be in the mood anyway'. (reminding myself of good and bad cuz it helps me move on).
Anyway. I feel like ive lost the love of my life cuz i have, it was so intense, she made me and my daughter so happy, she offered me everything i dreamed of. I have no confidence, no motivation. The main problem i have with moving on is A. my heart loves her so much B. We shared everything, all my escapisms we shared even the gym, i have nothnig to switch off. For the last 8 days ive thought about her constantly. But shes already moving on looking for the next 'victim' and its breaking my heart how fast shes moved on.
I dont know where to start, ive been to doctor like 7 times, im not sleeping hardly at all, wake up stupidly early, Zopidem sleeping tabs, Propranoioi for anxiety and Escitalopram for depression - been 4 days. Today i saw a mental health worker for assessment and he says im not depressed, just very very very hurt, he says i should come off the anti depressants (was on dothiepin 5 years ago).
Im struggling to let go, i dont know how to let the love of my life thats still alive go, the last thing she said was 'let me go'. My head says ive got to but my heart doesnt know how. Plus i cant find anything to distract me, ive looked on net at things new to do locally cant find anything, i talk to lots of friends and family, got lots of support.
Just my anxiety is so bad, had so many panic attacks, full of tension. If i bottle it up it gets worst, if i let it out i cry non stop, feel a bit better but always crying.
Reading this i may sound a bit silly, or whatnot, but i went from someone that was independant and only looked slightly ahead, to i can see now someone that was dependant on her love, it dominated me i see now. But i was happy for it too cuz it made me so happy.
Ive researched lots of thnigs on net and found a thing about 'imitation love', and it describes perfectly what happened, that we were both searching for something, its just mine turned into 'real love' it seems and hers didnt. The fact that her love stopepd when honeymoon period ended. God im waffling now but its helpnig write this out trust me!! Some thnigs are becoming clearer to me.
It hurts so much, i miss her terribly, got so used to her, her smell, company, she smile, touch, now im alone and i hate it. Miss her so much, feel sick thinknig she may be out with someone else. Ineed to get a hold of my life again. Cant believe how much this has effected me.
Im feeling a bit agrophobic again, get nervous around people, im getting tingling feeling in hands and feet/toes, i have no motivation, no confidence at all, the sense of loss is huge and the anxiety is getting worst. Its made even worst with lack of sleep, waking tossing and turning for hours and hours 3am+ and cant ever get back to sleep. In evenings i dunno what to do cuz everything reminds me of her, this room, this pc. I ve made some little changese liek using different mugs, changing my deoaderant and shower gel sprays etc, diff bed sheets. But my inner chatterbox is constantly thinking of her, all the time, i cant shut it off and it makes the anxiety worst. Haunted endlessly by memories of her about everything i look at.
Im sure many of you have been here, what do u recommend? Everyone is telling me tiem is a healer and i know it is. But the anxiety is making it worst. Even worst that i knoew something was up and she lied for weeks to me. That hurt me deep cuz ironically we said at beginning of relationship we'd had partners that were bad at communication. I tried to talk to her daily. Im in disbelief that im in the situation im in now, i cant believe whats happened and im trying to come to terms with it. I need help on how to relax in morning when i cant sleep, how to switch my brain from thinking about her, and how to make my heart start to let go.
Please if anyone can help or has any advise im open to anything cuz i feel like im going insane.
I know ive gone on but just knowing other people out there are experiencing the anxiety makes me feel better that its not just me. Ive conquered it before but that was because the ex ex was unbearable to live with. With this partner we didnt argue once the whole time, just had a few annoying things.
Its amzing that it can affect anyone no matter how strong u think u are. Im 6ft 2" skin head, always been physically strong an confident but this paralyses me totally. i go back to work next monday but im afraid. Today i took my daughter home and had to get 4 buses, that was so hard, the tension was building inside badly.
Ive probably missed lots of things out but my head is a mess and feels cotton-wooly. Thankyou if you've read this and sorry i didnt use spell checker :)
J
It's hard to know where to start so its best i start from the beginning to explain my situation and why i feel i need to post. This is a loooooog story. Ive suffered with anxiety and panic attacks in the past (posted here 5 years ago) and i learnt to deal with them, but ive now encountered the biggest loss in my life (will explain) and its hit me harder than i ever thought possible - me and a partner have broken up and i have a broken heart.
Bit of back story :- my parents broke up when i was 6 on xmas eve and my mother went off with another guy. For the next 3 years i was beaten by my dad and starved (retribution against mother who knows). I went to live with my mom at aged 10 and had good teen years for a bit.
Im a big strong guy and very keen sporty super confident (normally lol). I met a girl aat 16 we got together, had a child at 19 - it went downhill from there (posted about it 5 years ago) - she didnt want to settle down and be a family but i was happy to - she cheated many many times and got abusive (verbally and physically - i never retaliated once cuz i cant hit a woman). We ended up living in a flat and i became claustrophobic which started off my anxiety along with how i was being treated, then we had problems with noisey abusive neighbours which added to it. I wasnt able to conquer my anxiety until we left the flat and things 'seemed' bearable.
I stayed in that relationship for another 4 years cuz i COULDNT leave my daughter like my mother left me - i wanted the 'happy' family thing SO badly!
But things came to a head, she left several times, cheated a few times and eventually she left last april. In the same week i lost my job, house and family.
I dont know how but i SURVIVED THAT, god knows how! Family and friends helped me a lot, i was a zombie. I moved back into my mothers and tried to 'carry on', i spent last summer chatting with women online, trying to meet people, ended up donig what my m8s kept suggesting meeting women from online, slept with quite a few but I didnt feel better, it wasnt right, it wasnt ME. Thats the backstory, nows why im the way i am now :-
Then in dec last year i met a women ironically via online and a friend - we clicked instantly, had everything in common, loved all the same things, were same star signs, it was amazing, i was instantly attracted to her mind body and soul.
We dated for 2 weeks and she told me new years eve she'd fallen in love with me, i told her the same back but felt very anxious. We then started spending lots of time together, 4 nights a week . Now all my life all id wanted was unconditional love and affection and she gave it me in abundance - the void that had been left due to my childhood and past relationship wanted to be filled so badly! I told her id make her the happiest woman alive, i told her daily how much she meant to me, how much i loved her (further into relationship), how beautiful she was and how special she was, every day. 4 weeks into relationship we'd agreed baby names for gods sake! But i was more than happy to cuz i fell hook line and sinker for her. She told me the same thing every day - how special i was, that id was making her the happiest woman alive, that she found it funny that in a month i made her happier with me than she had been with a guy for the past 4 1/2 years.
She'd told me on 2nd date she wanted kids and family house marriage by the time she was 28 (23 at the time but seemed very mature for her age). Now i was cagey about jumping in to fast but she gave so much and made me so happy, accpeted me and my child lovingly i returned it all, she convinced me we were soulmates and fate had bought us together.
Now a month into relationship she was talking about engagement rings, she'd gone through catalogues for things for house - we bot hwanted to live together BUT we were both in debt, me till now and her till jan 2011. The 1st 4-6 months she was so excited about us living together, and i kept saying i was too but its still another 18 months away, she'd print off info of places we could rent which i was happy to look at but locially knew they wouldnt be available in 18 months (possibly).
She was so full on, so intense, offered me all i wanted and said what i wanted to hear daily, was so affectionate i loved it.
But,,,, at the start of relationship i used to go to gym 3 times a week but she made me feel guilty about it as i wouldnt see her if i went to gym (she lived out of city), she didnt actually say that but made me feel it so i stopped going for 4 months. I put on 2 stone and said enoughs enough i gotta get back down there, she said she needed to get fit an would like to come to plus we'd get to be together there so we did for the last 4 months.
Also i started staying at hers more than at mine, 5 nights a week (when i didnt have my daughter), in the last few months i kept saying to her i felt uncomfortable staying at hers (her dads) so much and didnt want to step on his toes as its his house (also politley saying i wanted a bit of my own space) but she insisted its ok and i stay. A couple of times she went for drinks with a m8 and insisted i wait at hers an that its ok which i was uncomfortable with.
Everythnig was fine until mid sept.
She instantly changed, she went cold, was distant to me, non receptive. I asked her what was wrong and she kept saying it was work getting her down as might be laid off (had nearly happened a few times and id supported her through it). Then 4 weeks ago we went for meal and she said something was wrong, that she felt things had got 'too' routine and we were spending too much time together under each others feet (id tried aying it for weeks but she didnt listen). She said she felt she'd neglected her m8s but insisted she didnt want to break up just wanted some time to herself. I was like np, thats absolutly fine with me. I said what if u feel like this in 6 months and her reply was 'im a fighter, i love you more than anything id never give up', lol.
The next 2 weeks she continued to be distant no matter what i did, she wasnt her at all. Then on the sat she met me at work and broke up with me saying she 'couldnt do it anymore, she wasnt happy, had lived a lie for a few weeks, didnt love me anymore but didnt know why'.
i was a mess. We met the sunday night and talked, she said she wanted us to work, us to be happy again and things to be like as they 'were' at the beginning. She was very affectionate that evening cuddling like old days.
We had 4 days apart and met on the thur night, and had the best night we ever had, meal, id done candles, music cd, pink champagne, and the energy between us was electric, she told me lots of her feelings had coem back for me.
Then the friday and weekend she was cold, hardly heard from her at all. The monday i cooked her a meal and she was 'ok' but not receptive, the tuesday we went bowling/meal and she treated me like one of her lad m8s, i felt so uncomfortable. She'd told me the thur feelings had coem back but then told me tue that she had no feeling at all for me, but was gonna see how things went. We were meant to be going away that weekend and i needed soem answers before we went and instead she broke up with em by text lol. Said she though it was a mistake trying (she didnt try at all) and that shes not happy anymore (but didnt speak to me about it at all). It broke my heart. Id fallen unconditionalyl in love with her, trusted her, beleived all she'd said about soulmates, we'd planned out our next 4 years together, her dream became ours, i can imagine what our kids look like, she used too!
Now my anxiety came back when she started being distant in sept, and u can imagine it got worst with how things hae transpired recently to the point where in now in full depression and full of anxiety.
The void she filled is now hollow, she has totally cut me out of her life, not heard from her since monday, shes dropped all my stuff off.
Some thnis ive found out :- shes been engaged 4 times in 3 years. She was with a guy 4 1/2 years, kept breaking up cuz he didnt go through with ahving kids/marriage so she left him got with another guy. Was with other guy 7 months happy. THen the ex turned up saying he wanted kids etc and she broke up with the guy she'd been with 7 months like it was NOTHING. Shes able to cut things out of her life so easily.
She also told me she stopped loving me when the 'honeymoon' period ended (sept). She got this fairytale in her head about marriage, kids etc and a relationship being as intense all the way through like it is at the start. She'd had a hard childhood with alcoholic mother and her leaving for another man - so we both had a emotional void we wanted filled. She offered me what id always wanted in a partner and family and i offered her the same. But the reality of waiting another 2 years /18months it wore off for her. Tbh yes things did get a bit routine but not once did she suggest anything, it was always me. She never initiated anything cuz she said she feared rejection even though she rejected advances from me like 18 times a week lol. I could never win - she was never in the mood unless stimulated via neck / massaging (im good at), so id do that, she had car crash 2 years and and had bad back so id massage it to help her plus just being nice id do that. So she always thought i was after something even if i was just being loving! I tried talking to her about it an she said 'well if u massage me i'll be in the mood anyway'. (reminding myself of good and bad cuz it helps me move on).
Anyway. I feel like ive lost the love of my life cuz i have, it was so intense, she made me and my daughter so happy, she offered me everything i dreamed of. I have no confidence, no motivation. The main problem i have with moving on is A. my heart loves her so much B. We shared everything, all my escapisms we shared even the gym, i have nothnig to switch off. For the last 8 days ive thought about her constantly. But shes already moving on looking for the next 'victim' and its breaking my heart how fast shes moved on.
I dont know where to start, ive been to doctor like 7 times, im not sleeping hardly at all, wake up stupidly early, Zopidem sleeping tabs, Propranoioi for anxiety and Escitalopram for depression - been 4 days. Today i saw a mental health worker for assessment and he says im not depressed, just very very very hurt, he says i should come off the anti depressants (was on dothiepin 5 years ago).
Im struggling to let go, i dont know how to let the love of my life thats still alive go, the last thing she said was 'let me go'. My head says ive got to but my heart doesnt know how. Plus i cant find anything to distract me, ive looked on net at things new to do locally cant find anything, i talk to lots of friends and family, got lots of support.
Just my anxiety is so bad, had so many panic attacks, full of tension. If i bottle it up it gets worst, if i let it out i cry non stop, feel a bit better but always crying.
Reading this i may sound a bit silly, or whatnot, but i went from someone that was independant and only looked slightly ahead, to i can see now someone that was dependant on her love, it dominated me i see now. But i was happy for it too cuz it made me so happy.
Ive researched lots of thnigs on net and found a thing about 'imitation love', and it describes perfectly what happened, that we were both searching for something, its just mine turned into 'real love' it seems and hers didnt. The fact that her love stopepd when honeymoon period ended. God im waffling now but its helpnig write this out trust me!! Some thnigs are becoming clearer to me.
It hurts so much, i miss her terribly, got so used to her, her smell, company, she smile, touch, now im alone and i hate it. Miss her so much, feel sick thinknig she may be out with someone else. Ineed to get a hold of my life again. Cant believe how much this has effected me.
Im feeling a bit agrophobic again, get nervous around people, im getting tingling feeling in hands and feet/toes, i have no motivation, no confidence at all, the sense of loss is huge and the anxiety is getting worst. Its made even worst with lack of sleep, waking tossing and turning for hours and hours 3am+ and cant ever get back to sleep. In evenings i dunno what to do cuz everything reminds me of her, this room, this pc. I ve made some little changese liek using different mugs, changing my deoaderant and shower gel sprays etc, diff bed sheets. But my inner chatterbox is constantly thinking of her, all the time, i cant shut it off and it makes the anxiety worst. Haunted endlessly by memories of her about everything i look at.
Im sure many of you have been here, what do u recommend? Everyone is telling me tiem is a healer and i know it is. But the anxiety is making it worst. Even worst that i knoew something was up and she lied for weeks to me. That hurt me deep cuz ironically we said at beginning of relationship we'd had partners that were bad at communication. I tried to talk to her daily. Im in disbelief that im in the situation im in now, i cant believe whats happened and im trying to come to terms with it. I need help on how to relax in morning when i cant sleep, how to switch my brain from thinking about her, and how to make my heart start to let go.
Please if anyone can help or has any advise im open to anything cuz i feel like im going insane.
I know ive gone on but just knowing other people out there are experiencing the anxiety makes me feel better that its not just me. Ive conquered it before but that was because the ex ex was unbearable to live with. With this partner we didnt argue once the whole time, just had a few annoying things.
Its amzing that it can affect anyone no matter how strong u think u are. Im 6ft 2" skin head, always been physically strong an confident but this paralyses me totally. i go back to work next monday but im afraid. Today i took my daughter home and had to get 4 buses, that was so hard, the tension was building inside badly.
Ive probably missed lots of things out but my head is a mess and feels cotton-wooly. Thankyou if you've read this and sorry i didnt use spell checker :)
J