I need help

[xBettyBoopx]

I spend most of my time when I'm awake, thinking about death, sometimes in a bad way, sometimes not. I think and cry about my beloved cat Lady so much that I physically feel ill. I hate to say but I have even joined a suicide forum!! I don't know why really, but sometimes I feel that way!!! I have basically told the doctor sort of how I feel but all I got were anti-depressants.

I just cannot cope with these feelings anymore. I want them all to go away. Even if I never feel happiness again, at least I can not feel this terrible sadness that comes over me like a blanket of darkness. And yet death scares me!

Sorry if anyone is offended by this, but I've had to tell someone and I know you guys have been so good to me in the past.

What I want to happen, is to be taken into hospital for the rest of my life because I just cannot cope anymore. I am so lonely too, it's killing me anyway!!!

Els
xxxx

[sue.b]

Awww Elspeth :hugs:

I really feel for you having such a bad time of it lately. Hopefully the AD's will work in a few weeks and lift your mood, hang on in there, the people on here care for you. I so wish i lived nearer so i could pop round to see you.

I does sound as though you have some depression, so AD's will help as you have gotten so low. If you need to chat pm me.

Things will get better Els, you are at a low point at the moment, you will turn the corner and start to climb out of it.

Take care

Sue xxxxxx:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:

[nomorepanic]

Hi Els

Trust me hospotal is not the place to be. I am still having nightmares about my 2 month stay there. I am more traumatised than I ever was before I went in.

You need to get some interest in life and something that keeps you busy and distracted.

You need to work on getting out more and concentrate on that first and foremost

[ladybird64]

Hiya Els :)

I know you believe in straight talking..so do I so I know you wont take offence at what I have to say.
I can see how depressed you are after the death of Lady but this isn't really the issue here is it? I know that you feel bitter about the way your life is and I can understand that but to join a suicide forum? I won't go into that in depth here because I don't think this is the place to discuss it but I can't understand that. Like so many of us, life has dealt me some rough cards and continues to do so but if I can find just one reason to stay on this earth then that is good enough for me..I'll hang around.:)
You have been to the GP who has given you anti-d's, as Sue said they may need time to kick in but I think you wanted/needed more? What do you feel you need Els? CBT or something similar? I am agoraphobic too and my journeys out are also a struggle, but I'm sure that being at home constantly thinking about life and its hardships is not going to help you...it is all too easy for sad/angry/depressive thoughts to spiral out of control when we are at home..the big world outside can seem a very difficult place to be in but we have to do our best to be a part of it.
I know you are lonely and I know you live in the Suffolk area but is there anything happening that you can get involved in at all? I'm not belittling how you feel and I hope you believe me about that, but you have to reach out a little Els..try and make contact with others in some way. It may not seem to be the same but you have many people that care about you here on NMP..and surely that should count for something.

Feel free to straight talk back at me:winks::flowers:

[kazzie]

Hi Els:hugs:

Im sorry to hear things are not going well at present:weep:

I think you need to go back to Doc and tell them exactly how you feel I think CBT would help you loads!!! There can be a waiting list tho but believe me it works!!!

Could you maybe consider some voluntary work to get you out and meeting people locally???

Maybe at local pet rescue place????

If you feel you cant explain things to doc write it all down and give it to them.....or print off this post....I know that has worked for others in the past!!

You can and will get better and please dont ever contimplate suicide you have so much to give the world and it would be a much worse place without you:hugs:

Hows that cutie Sassy settling in????

You know where I am if u wanna chat:hugs:

Take Care Els:bighug1:

Luv Kaz x x x:hugs:

[bottleblond]

Els

I hate to sound harsh here love but you have to try to get some type of purpose back in your life. I am agoraphobic so don't get out either but i make the best of every day the best way i know how, whether that be trying to help people on NMP, talk to people on the phone, or go out and chat to my neighbours in the garden.

I know things are hard for you but no one else can give you the life you crave, you have to work at that. Try to get involved in community stuff that is close to your home so you don't need to travel. Possibly visit elderly neighbours who are worse off than yourself. Get involved in a community group who can make your neighbourhood a safer place. Little things like that can give you a whole new perspective in life.

Keep your chin up and fight for happiness lass

Lisa
xxx

[anx mum]

Hi hun so sorry ur having a awful time at mo. Know the feeling u dont want 2 go into hosptal hun. Has doc put in touch with a councillor think thats what u need and now. Remember hun ur not alone u have so many friends on here. Bev xx

[xBettyBoopx]

Thanks to all for your replies. I will try to do better. I was reaching out for some comfort. I haven't taken offence at what anyone has said.

Want to ask ladybird - if Lady's death isn't the issue, what is? Am wondering what you think is my problem!

Oh and I was turned down for CBT because I wouldn't come off the medication I am on! I am seeing a counsellor but only had 2 sessions so far, will let you know how I get on in due course.

Kazzie - Sassy in getting on well. She is very sassy, she's into everything.

Lisa - Yes I have to have a purpose in life, I have been looking for one for many years.

Take care all.
Love
Els:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:

[PoppyC]

Hi Elspeth :hugs:
You are bound to be grieving for the loss of Lady. The death of a pet can be just as devastating as a human loss and you will go through all the stages of grief just the same.
I found this link for you - not sure if it will be of any help, but thought would send it to you. http://www.pet-loss.net/index.shtml

You sound so down and I know when we get depressed we can't get motivated to do anything or think positively about anything and life seems pointless but you can get better though and it won't always be like this. You can get happier and get your motivation back.
I know you have agoraphobia but would you consider going to a support group? I know that MIND have support groups every week. Would you be able to get out to go to something like that?
I know that with me having agoraphobia if I stay in constantly I get really down but I try and get out, even if it is just for a short walk as it helps lift my mood.
Maybe you could go back to your gp and tell him how you are truly feeling - tell him everything you have mentioned on your post. Hopefully he will be able to help you further.
Do you have any help at all from the community mental health team?
If you are taking anti depressants then hopefully they will kick in soon for you, even if they just take the edge of the depression.
Sending you lots of big hugs:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[ladybird64]

Thanks to all for your replies. I will try to do better. I was reaching out for some comfort. I haven't taken offence at what anyone has said.

Want to ask ladybird - if Lady's death isn't the issue, what is? Am wondering what you think is my problem!

Oh and I was turned down for CBT because I wouldn't come off the medication I am on! I am seeing a counsellor but only had 2 sessions so far, will let you know how I get on in due course.

Kazzie - Sassy in getting on well. She is very sassy, she's into everything.

Lisa - Yes I have to have a purpose in life, I have been looking for one for many years.

Take care all.
Love
Els:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:

Hi Els

I'm glad you didn't take offence although I was fairly sure you wouldn't, I try to be honest but I would never intentionally hurt anyone.
The reason I don't think Lady's death is the issue is the posts that you have written before she passed away, the way you feel about your life has not suddenly materialised since then has it? As you know, I have been in close touch with someone who lost a cat last year and his grief was awful to witness so I see how awful you feel, it has obviously made everyday life seem so much harder. But as for what I think your problem is, Els, you kow I can't answer that. I don't even know what my own problem is! I can only give my opinion on what I think may enable you to feel a bit better, nothing more than that. I know you were looking for comfort and I understand but you know as a fellow sufferer that the answer lies within ourselves somwhere..and no, I haven't got it figured out yet either.
I hate to think of you being so lonely and try to offer some hope that you don't need to be completely on your own. For what its worth I think the refusal for CBT was pretty remorseless but I don't know how these things work.
Please come away from the other forum you mentioned and stay with us, you know we will support you. :flowers:

[Maj]

Elspeth I hope you start to feel better soon. It's rotten when you feel so down. Please don't even think about the suicide thing - you are too precious for that. Take the meds the doctor has given you and if they don't work then ask for something else. In this day and age I refuse to believe that there isn't a medication suitable for someone. It's awful that you have to struggle on like this but there must be help out there. We will always support you:hugs:
Myra x

[bottleblond]

Els

What i have noticed about you over quit a long period of time is you seem to be quite fine and then you hit a major dip and it effects you really badly. I can absolutely get that because i have those major dips too and they are horrible. I do agree that you need to really distance yourself from the suicide site because it only serves one purpose and that is to hold that thought in your head, whether it's trying to talk yourself into it or our of it. It's still there in your head and that wouldn't be good for any of us.

Hey we are all in this together ok so please let us help you as you help us.

Take care
Love Lisa
xxxx

:bighug1:

[RosieXXX]

Hello Els,

I am sorry you are feeling so low, and I do hope you will soon begin to feel better. It is particularly difficult to deal with these feelings when we feel so much alone, and I do think it is important to let the doctor know exactly how you are feeling, because he might be able to arrange for a little extra support. We are all here to help, so please listen to all the good advice, don't let those negative thoughts fester, concentrate on all the positive things you can do to help yourself through this bad patch. :hugs:

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Els,

I wish I could help you feel better. I know you have faith and during difficult times I find comfort in mine. Perhaps you could find on the internet a group of faith and you could share your poetry of faith with them too. I have always found your poetry to be very comforting and uplifting, you have a gift. I personally think it would be so much better for you mentally than the other group you just joined. You will come out of this down cycle and trust me you will be all the much stronger from it. Believe in yourself that you will get through this and know that you have many friends on here that care about you.

Best wishes,

Laura xxx

[xBettyBoopx]

Thank you to all for taking the time to reply to me. I know you all care.

One day I will come here and tell you that I feel so much better:):)how lovely will that day be for all of us:yesyes::yesyes: I mean if we could all say that:D

Just one last thing for ladybird - I did feel depressed on and off inbetween the anxiety and panic attacks before Lady died, but I have felt 10 million times worse since her passing, I feel the same grief today as I felt 10 weeks ago when she died. I just don't know how to cope with these feelings, that's what I was trying to say. I haven't learned how to 'deal' with stresses and strains of everday life. After all, people are right when they say that if you have a pet, chances are you will outlive them. When people lose pets they grieve, feel bad for a while then get on with life and think about good times, not the bad, I cannot do that, I am still re-living everyday those last 5 minutes of her life, I just cannot get past it!! Anyway, that's what I should have been saying, instead of what I said, but hey I'm only human:ohmy::blush: Seeing counsellor, hoping he will be able to help me.

Thanks again everyone for being caring.
Love
Els
xxx

[suzy-sue]

Elspeth im so sorry you are feeling so awful .:bighug1:Your depression has obviously been made worse by the loss of Lady ..Being depressed will prevent you from coping with this tragic event in an average way .Its hard to or should I say impossible to deal with things or move on when you feel like this .Thats the nature of the beast .Im sure when your new meds have settled you will be able to move on and see life in a better frame of mind .The coucelling will help you too .Until then you have everyone here ,so please stay off that other site ,it will not do you any good whatsoever .I look forward to the day you write how well you are feeling theres no reason why ,this wont happen .Stay positive .Take care of your self and your new kitty and dont be so hard on yourself .Lots of love Sue :bighug1:xxx:bighug1:

[zippy338]

Hi - just read your message and wanted to offer you my support. I suffer from depression, anxiety, OCD etc and have have bad times like you when you just think that there's no point in living anymore. Sometimes life is a struggle and I often worry about dying too and worry that my parents (who are my best friends) will not always be around. The thought really terrifies me.

I think you're on the best place here as there's loads of people in a similiar situation to you - so hopefull they will make you feel better.

Keep strong :)