Is this as good as it gets ? ?

[sue681]

Not been on here for a while , not because i didn't want to but my son broke my laptop !
I'm 42 single , 4 kids 22 ,17 , 15 and 12 ( 12 lives with dad) ive got no family around me and feel totally isolated. ( all my family up north) we are not that close anyway !
been on my own for nearly 5 yrs after leaving my violent controling husband ( the police helped me )
I suffer from deppression , anxiety and the last year panic attacks too !
my 15 yr old son is a hand full he drinks alcohol smokes cannabis and stays out all night oh and is always in trouble with the police !
my 22 yr old is lovely shes gong traveling soon also shes looking to leave home as shes fed up with the way my 15yr old treats her ( think shes only still at home beacause she feels for me ) my 17 he's lovely too doin well at college.my 12 yr old daughter lives with her dad ( long story ) and i have her every holidays i miss her soooooooooooo much it hurts !
I work part time and can just about manage this !
I wake up every morning with anxiety , i worry about everything, suffer from deppression which makes me stay in most of the time.I worry about going out and having panic attacks ( been in A&E twice because of them)
If i do go out which is'nt offten i binge drink, it feels good and settles me but the next day i'm in bed all day with anxitey .
I hate my life and i hate myself, i offten think what is the point of being here but would do anything stupid because of the kids !
I do help myself , go walking , gave up smoking, try eat heathy and take vitamins. I have a draw full of antidepressants but don't want to take them, i did try them once but felt numb and the house ended up in a worse mess than what it is now, oh yes because of my depression i find housework a strain i just cant be botherd with it !
sorry this has turned into abit of a novel but once again i'm alone , 22 and 17 yr old gone out ( always out ) and god knows where my 15 yr old is. i'm here watchin ex factor :wacko:...my god who ever put sheryl Cole in that ress wants sacking !

sue x x x

[nomorepanic]

Hi sotonsue

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[sue681]

Oh forgot to mention....crap at spelling and grammar too !

[kazzie]

Hey Sue:welcome:

Do you live in Southampton by any chance(known as soton):shrug:

Kaz x x x:hugs:

Ps reason for asking is that I live in Southampton on outskirts of Sholing

[sue681]

Hi
I live in NorthBaddesley , do u know it ?

[looking4answers]

Its so weird. I sign on here feeling sorry for myself.. Feeling alone and worried and thinking the worse..We live in a remote part of the U.S ..A population in a town some 8 miles away of less than 2000 people. The people here are strange to say the very least. We have been here for almost five years..

We don't really have any friends here to speak of.. Its just my wife and I and two dogs and two horses..Thank God for the animals.. Its so quiet here you can hear a pin drop.. the weather is unreal..Its gets minus 30 and 40 in the winter time and most years five to ten feet of snow..You get snowed in until the county decides to plow the road then you have to warm your car up just to get the fluids to make the vehicle move warm..

You go outside and you can't feel your hands or your feet or your face no matter how warm you dressed..In the summer time the night time temperatures are colder than your winters used to be where you grew up and thats in the summer time here..

You see the beautiful mountains but they look pretty much like they have for the last 30 million years.. once every few hours sometimes you hear a truck or car go by but thats on a rare day when people are going back further back into the rural areas. You think I can't believe I moved here. All the places I could have chosen to live and I picked here.

You are at least 1000 miles from anyone you have ever known.. and you know you aren't going to go anywhere and travel because you can' t leave your animals here alone.You can't think of moving anywhere else because you spent every penny to move here and you couldn't sell your home for what you paid for it.. Nobody comes to visit you and could care less about you being isolated .

But you don't have issues with family because there is no family, nor friends , only the weather to get depressed about and the solitude of nothing.. I suppose when I read others post here like yours..It kind of makes me feel better about myself knowing at least I don't have to deal with family members and people fighting with us.. because there is no people nor family members in this sand pit and there is no escape.. but at least the only stress is the solitude and the boredom that you used to crave ,but now loathe..

I read and read and read the troubles that people have here and suspect even with mine .. I really don't have any troubles.. I don't drink so I can't drown my problems.. my only escape is to sleep or sit and watch the sky move past the mountains and the seasons changing.. wondering if this is all there is ,is this as good as it gets? I guess we all have our little hells.. Heres to yours getting better.. :-)

[sue681]

Looking for answers....
Thanku for yr replie , its strange isn't it but at this moment in time i'd give anything to be sat there looking at yr mountains and watching the sky go by !
I can understand though how u are feeling , isolation can cause you too get down
sometimes its just nice to go to the local shops and say the odd hello. I know u will lose out if you move because of house prices but maybe you should consider down sizing and move closer to a town.
i wish u well xx x

[alicebrum]

Hi Sue,
I'm also new here, really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. Reading about your experiences made me think of my mum; she's had depression since I can remember and when I was a terrible teenager (well I still am sort of, I turn 20 in december) I must have made her life so much harder! Now that I'm going through similar sort of experience to her I feel terrible for not understanding and she seems much more like a real person rather than just my mum!
I guess there are so many more people going through this than we realise, there seems to be such a hush on talking about it that I never realised how common it was. I try to be open about it with everyone I meet but to be honest I don't meet many people what with being holed up most days feeling panicky and depressed!
It just really helps to talk to people about it, have you had any talking therapy? I also had a bad experience with an ex partner and saw a rape counsellor and I found that it helped (to an extent) and now I'm waiting to see a psychiatrist.
I recommend herbal tea, in all situations :)
Alice x