How to help

[Dublinwife]

Hi all. This is my first post here :)

Nine years ago, my husband was involved in a terrible incident. While driving down the motorway in the early hours of the morning, a man stepped out from the central reservation and my husband hit him. The man died. My husband was on the road that night as he was on his way to the hospital where I was in labour (I know that this sounds like an Eastenders plot, but I promise you it isn't. I only wish it was) Our son was born mere hours later. The police cleared my husband of any wrong doing, and when the inquest was held, a lot of information came out about the dead man which suggested he was mentally ill. The family of the deceased were even generous and kind enough to speak to my husband at the inquest and tell him that they were sorry for the distress he was going through, and that they held him in no way responsible. My husband has seen two different counsellers over the years, but has always stopped going after a few sessions. He was diagnosed with PTSD by the first. The second was attempting CBT with him. He has also tried antidepressants for the anxiety, but again for only a short time. As time has gone on, it has become apparent that this is not going away. For several weeks before my son's birthday, and for several weeks after he is angry, anxious, distressed and distant. He refuses to discuss it, and can be quite aggressive (he is usually the most gentle, kind person). I have suggested many things to try and help, but all suggestions are met with resistance. I am at a loss of how to help. My husband is now 33, and I really want him to be free of the crushing guilt. Can anyone suggest anything else that I could try? Thanks.

[eternally optimistic]

Hi Dublinwife,

I read your post with interest and with some sadness as I can relate to his situation, slightly.

Im glad he has been diagnosed with PTSD, or at least had a professional recognise his situation.

I can relate to the aggresiveness, I get like that now when I'm stressed.

Like your husband, I was involved in a RTA which resulted in three fatalities.
It freaks me out now 21 years later just typing the previous sentence.

I didnt cause the accident, the only consolation - believe me, but was spared the visiting the court room for the inquest. My poor parents bore the brunt of that, Im afraid. I then got the letter from the police several weeks after that telling me I wouldnt be prosecuted for their deaths (OMG).

I only started to realise what a mess it all was about four months after the accident when, on Christmas Eve, I heard my mum wrapping presents. Then the realisation that the victims families were never gonna share that experience.

I didnt go back to work until nearly 6 months later due to recuperation from physical injuries, but the psychological trauma was massive.

The only bit of "advice" I got via my mother who visited by GP in desperation was that I should get angry with the situation - some advice.

Anyway, back to you, I think you should try and remain as patient and as supportive as possible.

His personality sounds as if its changed, as mine did.

You cant have something like that happen to you and not be the same person.
HOWEVER, that doesnt mean to say that he wont find peace within himself.

I think acceptance of what has happened, is a big part of moving forward.

I'm 41 now and was 20 when my accident occured and if something prompts me to reflect about what happened, Im probably more emotional now than ever.

I TRULY HOPES HE GETS TO WORK IT ALL OUT and GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

I am sure the fact you've been on this website is a good start for both.

If you want to contact me direct, please feel free.

[annette1]

Hi Dublinwife

I'm sorry to read your story, from personal experience of PTSD I know that this diagnosis affects the whole family.

I was diagnosed in November 08 after struggling with my symptoms for three years thinking i could deal with how I was feeling myself & was using avoidance to get by. Then in April 08 things became much worse & I was signed off work. After 6mths counselling it was suggested that I see a psychologist for more intense therapy. I started therapy & medication in February & I am feeling so different, i no longer search for answers to my trauma, nightmares & flashbacks are less frequent & after 18mths off, I went back to teaching full time in September.

My advice for your husband would be to visit his GP again & ask for further help with a psychologist or the community mental health team, although counselling is helpful it isn't intense enough for working through trauma. I know its very difficult to admit and accept that you need help but it is the only way to recover. Therapy is very hard work & it takes a while to form a trusting relationship with your therapist after all, you need to talk to them about all the strange & irrational thoughts you are having but the fear of doing this is far worse than it actually is. I went through all sorts of thoughts during this time, would she laugh at me, say I'd made it up, or that other people deal with far worse, but that didn't happen. I also found that I couldn't find the words to describe how I was feeling, she has helped me to feel my emotions anger,sadness etc & gave me strategies to help me overcome them and my anxiety. She has very patiently let me talk & I know at times I have repeated myself over & over again, talking about my trauma has been such a help, and she has encouraged me to look at what happened rationally, to understand that bad things happen & that there is nothing we can do to change the past but to understand it & move on.

When she suggested I try medication I was horrified & refused to take it thinking it would turn me into a zombie, then my anxiety made me house bound & I gave in & i'm now taking citalopram, the side effect can be unpleasant at first & last about 3-4 wks. After taking them for 6 wks I began to feel much better, I wasn't so anxious, panic attacks stopped & I was finding it easier to engage in therapy.

My psychologist feels it is essential to combine therapy, relaxation & meds in order to break the hold of trauma & to make a sustained recovery. There is no cure for ptsd but with hard work & determination there is recovery, it comes in very small steps at first then you start putting them together to make bigger ones until suddenly the world feels much different & you can live in the here & now instead of in the past. I've just reached that stage & the world feels a safer place & I'm much happier.

I do hope that knowing recovery is possible with be a help to your husband. If you could persuade him to talk on line it really will help. There may even be a ptsd support group in your area, I recently met up with on other people with ptsd & it has brought some normality to my life talking to others that are also living with this confusing disorder.

There are a number of PTSD specific websites that I use which give excellent information & support. If you'd like more information or your husband world like to talk in private you are welcome to send me a private message.

Take care & stay strong. Life will get better.
Annette

[Maj]

Hi,

I had a lump in my throat after reading your post. My heart goes out to your husband and you. What a terrible ordeal to go through. It could have happened to any one of us. The sad fact is that because he is a gentle, caring man, he is punishing himself. I don't know what else to say but I really hope that he can accept that he's not to blame and he gets some peace of mind soon. I hope you all do.:hugs::hugs:
Myra x

[India03]

If he could come here or at another forum, it helps to talk to others with PTSD or just read.
It not always good to talk to much if he don't have the energy to listen and reply.
Have you tried to write your thoughts to him and give him the chance to come back with an answer, when he is ready? Its long time, I guess you have tried the most?

[Antipodes]

I read your post with empathy for your husband and you.

The circumstances of my trauma were different but I suspect the core issues are not so differnet ... a perceived self-imposed burden of guilt? thoughts like ,, "if only ...", "what if ...", "should have...", "could have ..." can often be very pervasive, persistent and troubling.

I struggled with my set of thoughts like that and found a reconciliation was possible. After that the PTSD symptoms diminished significantly. I am now minorly troubled by PTSD. When acute, it was nothing short of awful .. for me and for my family members.

This site is a good resource as techniques such as CBT, EMDR and the less subject to clinical trials EFT and certain Meditation techniques all have their role and can be profoundly helpful.

There is hope his symptoms will diminish, settle and/or go away completely. I hope his personal journey to wellness happens and is as swift as practicable.