need to get myself a job

[josephine]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling rather low and useless today. I have come on to the forum so i do not feel so alone. Infact this is the only place i feel i fit.

I am 40 years old and once again i am sitting at home alone on my own. My husband works away alot of the time and my 13 year old son is at school.
Since my son started secondary school my aim was to get out there and find myself a job. but her i am nearly 3 years down the line and i have achieved nothing.
I have suffered anxiety all my life and bluffed my way through.But now i have completely lost respect for myself.My husband pays all the bills and i just stay at home and take care of the house. i know i am worth more than this but have no idea wher to begin out there in the big wide world.For the past 13 years all i have been is a mum. I have no work skills to speak of and practically nothing to put down on a cv. Without a cv i have no chance on getting employment. the idea of an interview terrifies me. I have to take a beta blocker just to go to the shop!!!!!!!

I do go and visit my elderly and disabled parents a few times a week. I clean, shop for them and generally help them out and when i am on the bus on the way home i feel like i am part of society. it feels good, but scary too.Only medication allows me to do this.

I suffer from social and general anxiery. I also think i have a touch of agoraphobia as i do not like being out on my own or amongst strangers.But i push myself to do it .
How will i ever beable to work?and contribute to my families life. My husband would like another child and has never pressured me to work. Having babies is another matter , i would love one but it terrifies me.I would have to come off my meds and that would be hard.i have also suffered 2 miscarriages in the past and am frightened of it happening again.

I am sorry to waffle on. but i feel so worthless today. How can my son and husband respect me when i hate myself.

I have no idea what to do for the rest of my life. i havent achieved much, apart from my son, for the first 40.

Life is for confident, outgoing non anxious people.For me it is a fight.where do people like me fit in?

I would have had a entirely different life if i wasnt an anxious person.All those hopes and dreams and i wasnt able to achieve them.

Sorry again to go on. I just feel alone today.

Thankyou for reading this.

LOve Josephine.x

[PanicOver!!]

Hey you are NOT alone

please dont be so hard on yourself all you need a a break
just sounds like your confidence is a little low at the moment

Take care x

[KK77]

You're not alone Josephine!

If you were to ask people around you that love you I'm sure you're not seen as the person you portray.

I have known many people with "good" jobs, money, position, ambition, success that still feel worthless and failures. All is not always as it seems...

Be good to yourself - perhaps you have achieved more than you think... X

[diane07]

Josephine,
If you feel the need to go to work, have you thought about starting off something voluntarily first, that way you can pick up some experience and you won't feel so anxious as you're not committed to it, all what you do for your parents you can do for the elderly.

I don't know where you live but here where i live we so many organisations who are always looking for volunteers.
And many times take on the volunteers part/full time.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, your a mum and sometimes that is a job in itself.

best wishes

di xx

[chickpea]

I was also going to suggest voluntary work - that way, you won't feel you HAVE to feel like you're commited on the days when you feel less able.

What about volunteering to help out in a primary school? They are crying out for teacher's helpers, people to hear children read etc. If you enjoyed it, you could perhaps train to be a learning support assistant.

From what you say about helping out your parents, YOU are a normal person and a valued one. However, like everyone suffering from anxiety, it sounds like you've lost your confidence. Try telling yourself how great you are, instead of useless you are - give yourself a new label. You are kind, loving, helpful, caring, valued. YOU are NOT anxious - you are you, and you are finding things tough at the moment. Don't define yourself by your anxiety, because you are so much more than that. Try reminding yourself of all the good things you do in life and have been successful at.

:hugs:

[cunny1980]

Hi Josephine I lost my dad three years ago and it really changed me. I started a college course at night just to take my mind off what had happened. I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did. Im not a very confident person but I had a fantastic time and made some new friends. Maybe you could look at doing something similar. Try and think of something that you would really like to do then find a course that relates to this. Hope this helps xx

[manic]

Volunteering is a brilliant way to not only get some experience but also to figure out what kind of work environment you fit into.
I started volunteering at my local school after a period of not working due to depression/anxiety but it really gave me lift I needed. I've been very lucky in that after a year I was offered a full time paid contract and now, 5 years later I'm being supported by the school to do my teacher training.
I still have moments of anxiety and 'down' days but I've started to accept that's just who I am.
Also, it's hard when your partner isn't around much (mine is in the Navy) but it's fab being able to share your achievements when he returns.
If you really want it, you can have it.

[josephine]

Thankyou all for taking the time to read and reply to my post.

I am thinking of looking into volunteering and hope in the future this will help me regain a little confidence and give me a bit more self esteem.

Thanks again for all your kind words.

Love Josephine.x

[magnesium]

You are not worthless.

Despite your condition you have made it this far in life.
You are wife to your husband.
You are mother to your child.
You return the care given to you by your parents now that they need it.
You want to provide and participate and feel useful because you are not selfish.

No one who gives and cares that much can be worthless.

You are not worthless. You are just having difficulty.


Magnesium

[Maj]

Yes Josephine - you are not alone and for goodness sake please don't be so hard on yourself!!! Life is for everyone - not just confident people - we're all cogs in the wheel of life - remove one cog and it falls apart!! You've been a mum - this doesn't come easy either at times. you may not have respect for yourself but I, and everyone else on here, has loads of respect for you. Stop putting yourself down. Just because you're anxious doesn't make you a second class citizen!!! Sometimes being an anxious person actually in the long run makes you a stronger person because life doesn't come easy to us. Please, realise that you are a strong, caring, sensitive person. Have confidence in yourself and stop putting yourself down. Your self esteem is very low but you can built it up again. You deserve it.:bighug1:
Myra x

[josephine]

To all the people who have replied to me. Thankyou so much. You made me cry. It is amazing to know that there are so many good and understanding people out there.

I get so caught up with all the negative thoughts sometimes that i forget to remember how lucky i am.I have a caring husband and a beautiful son. Its just sometimes i dont feel good enough.I expect we all feel like that sometimes.

LOve to you all.
Josephine.x