A nervous hello!

[fashionista]

Hi everyone,

I am 22, and have been suffering from anxiety for a couple of years. I actually used to use this site when I first started university, and a couple of the usual things going wrong caused me my first real bout of anxiety - I became obsessed with the idea of having cancer, or HIV, or lung cancer.

A couple of years on, the above symptoms have totally gone - I can't imagine having them again - but since I graduated in the summer and moved home, I have started to have these horrible thoughts that I can't control, really freaky and horrible, about people that I love, and that I would never ever harm. It makes me feel sick and guilty, but I can't seem to shift them, at least not for a few hours each time. I have been with my boyfriend for two years, and he is so so understanding - but I worry that I am getting just TOO much!

On Monday we celebrated two years since we had been together, with a lovely meal that he cooked. He went to so much effort, making my perfect meal ever. There were candles, flowers, and even a laminated menu that he made just to make it look like a restaurant!! It was wonderful... until my wierdness kicked in! I had this thought that I was going to rip up his menu, or harm my boyfriend. :weep: I can't believe I am sharing this. I told him straight away, and as usual he was brilliant, he said "well thats not the wierdest thing you've ever told me!" but I felt so MENTAL afterwards. And now.

Its these thoughts that I just can't shift, about fancying members of my family, or scared of harming clients who come into the wonderful place i work in.

I have also developed a really irrational sense of jealousy of people around me who I deem more successful, or in some way better than me. I really really want to work in the fashion industry, and am working hard at the moment to work my way up the ladder, but am horribly jealous of any celebrity I see, or anyone doing well! It scares me, because I have never really been jealous like this before. There is a girl who lives in the same town as me, who is friends with celebrities, and works in the fashion industry, and I am so jealous of her I find it really affecting me. I hate it, but don't know know how to switch of these feelings. When I am rational, I know that I should be inspired by her success (and also when I am rational, am not so enthralled by the whole celeb thing!), but when I am feeling like I am now, I can't stop but keep looking at her Facebook and Twitter page, and the famous friends she has. I have become to fear that if I do ever make it into fashion, she will see me for the crazy stalking fraud that I am, and turn everyone against me! Oh my god, now I am sounding crazy, I am so sorry!!

I think I have rambled enough now, I am really sorry for it - I have just had the most awful day of crying in bed (I always feel worse on my days off!?) and I just felt like I needed to come back on here, as it helped me so much a few years ago.

:unsure:
xxxxxx

[diane07]

Hi fashionista

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[hopers]

hi there and huge welsome nice to meet you im sorry to hear yr having a hard time with yr thorts , maybe see you in chat some time or if you ned some on to talk to please message me :)

hopers
huggels and fishes

[gypsywomen]

dont be upset you will find people on this site with simerler problems your not alone be strong

[dreamer]

Hi Fashionista
Sorry to hear you are feeling low.. I too am havinmg a bout of anxiety which I haven't had this bad in years so joined this site on Monday for the first time. The doc has signed me off all this week which makes me feel crapper as my boss will know the reason i'm off :(.. You said you feel worse on your days off... Best thing to do is keep as busy as you can... I make myself do exercise and have decided to join a yoga class to chill me a bit...
The jelousy thing you talk about... I get that too! It's horrible and just kind of creaps up on you doesn't it... Are you going through changes and stress in your life at the moment?
I have just got engaged, was really happy but can't stop feeling jealous of other people in relationships as my boyfriends mum has cancer which stops us from moving on with our lives... He stilll lives with his mum and dad during the week as he wants to help them which is lovely but people around me are getting houses together, getting married etc etc and it's like our life is on hold :( Hey ho i'm sure things will improve and i'm sure things will get better too. Your boyfriend sounds supportive :) xx

[Skakitty]

Hiya :)

I just wanted to say, the 'horrible thoughts' you are experiencing, i have had them too, my psych called the 'intrusive thoughts' and they can be a common symptom of both depression and anxiety. I used to have really gruesome ones involving harming/maiming myself and my friends and family- they would also be accompanied by flashes of images in my head of horrible things :/

I am naturally a relaxed, laid back person with loads of patience, and i don't anger easily (or at all really) so i know i would never DO any of the the thoughts i was thinking, but they always happened when i was feeing slightly anxious and also depressed.

Just to let you know you are not the only person experiencing them :)

[fashionista]

Thanks everyone, seeing your responses has made me feel so much better. Much better day today, no tears, and good day at work!

Suddenly this evening though, I got this thought that I might FANCY MY DAD!!! Arrrrrghhhhhh!!!:ohmy: What the???? I have had these random thoughts every now and then, and they freaking petrify me!! I would never fancy my dad for gods sake, so why do I get these thoughts??? I love my Mum and my Dad very much for sure, but this is CRAZY!! Is this at all normal??? Please help!! Thanks! x

[tylerdmartinez]

omg i used to be the exact same way when i was behind someone in line i had thought about smacking them in the back of the head and also had thoughts of just yelling at random people for no reason, alsom when at school as i passed back a desk with a binder on it i thoughts of throwing it across the room.....it was bad i thought it would never go away...but it did i see a psychiatrist for ocd and anxiety and take prozac 20mg.....my doctor said everyone gets those thoughts but its ONLY a problem if u do the things your thinking about

[fashionista]

omg i used to be the exact same way when i was behind someone in line i had thought about smacking them in the back of the head and also had thoughts of just yelling at random people for no reason, alsom when at school as i passed back a desk with a binder on it i thoughts of throwing it across the room.....it was bad i thought it would never go away...but it did i see a psychiatrist for ocd and anxiety and take prozac 20mg.....my doctor said everyone gets those thoughts but its ONLY a problem if u do the things your thinking about

Thanks so much - it makes me feel so much better that I am not alone with this! It's funny, because when I really think out my thoughts, I always think URGHHH NO - what am i thinking??? You know, the idea of fancying my dad (I really can't believe I am writing this, but then I can't believe I worry about it either!!!) or whatever other crazy thought I'm having - always makes me feel sick - I would never ever ever ever ever ever act on my thoughts, because they are not real - but I just don't know how to make the 'words' go away, if you know what I mean?

[tylerdmartinez]

Thanks so much - it makes me feel so much better that I am not alone with this! It's funny, because when I really think out my thoughts, I always think URGHHH NO - what am i thinking??? You know, the idea of fancying my dad (I really can't believe I am writing this, but then I can't believe I worry about it either!!!) or whatever other crazy thought I'm having - always makes me feel sick - I would never ever ever ever ever ever act on my thoughts, because they are not real - but I just don't know how to make the 'words' go away, if you know what I mean?

my doctor told me to keep myself occupied, working out, listening to music, some sort of exercise, anything because if you are occupied then you well pretty much forget about those thoughts because you well be busy doing something else.......but the most important thing is that your not acting upon your thoughts....if u start acting upon your thoughts, thats a problem.....but i totally know what your saying the words in your head, or thoughts rather really got me scared i was like "is this gonna go away!!???" i hated having those thoughts soo much

[fashionista]

Hi Fashionista
Sorry to hear you are feeling low.. I too am havinmg a bout of anxiety which I haven't had this bad in years so joined this site on Monday for the first time. The doc has signed me off all this week which makes me feel crapper as my boss will know the reason i'm off :(.. You said you feel worse on your days off... Best thing to do is keep as busy as you can... I make myself do exercise and have decided to join a yoga class to chill me a bit...
The jelousy thing you talk about... I get that too! It's horrible and just kind of creaps up on you doesn't it... Are you going through changes and stress in your life at the moment?
I have just got engaged, was really happy but can't stop feeling jealous of other people in relationships as my boyfriends mum has cancer which stops us from moving on with our lives... He stilll lives with his mum and dad during the week as he wants to help them which is lovely but people around me are getting houses together, getting married etc etc and it's like our life is on hold :( Hey ho i'm sure things will improve and i'm sure things will get better too. Your boyfriend sounds supportive :) xx

Hi there,
Sorry to feel you're having a bad time too! God, this totally creeped up on me, I literally had no clue it was coming!! I've been fine for ages! I think maybe finishing university, and settling back into normal life may be the 'change' - I don't have anything to focus on at the moment maybe.

I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend's mum, that must be so hard for you as well as him. Your time will come though, congrats on the engagement!

I am actually starting Yoga as well - I have told all my workmates aboyt what I'm going through, which actually has really helped, and I'm starting yoga with one of them next week. Fingers crossed that will do the trick! I'm having a much better day today though, do you find it comes and goes? No crazy thoughts today either hurrah!!

Great to hear from you, thanks so much for your reply, it really helped!
Good luck with back to work tomorrow,

x

[Deltadog]

Its horrible isnt it? Ive only had two episodes of these thoughts whilst being in the state of just waking up. The worst one I had was mental picture of my 4 month old son with a badly damaged head. I had not thought up that I had done it to him but it was just a picture that would barge its way into my thoughts. That day I was in a horrible state, just to think that a picture like that could enter my head. Luckily apart from a few bad dreams I havent had anything else.
All I can say is that these are a symptom of depression/anxiety and not a sign you are going mad. Does it feel like you are almost daring yourself to think these thoughts? well, this is a very common one. Often when you have been feeling ok for a while you think 'hey I might be getting better' and then you (sometimes subconciously ) test yourself to think bad thoughts to see if you can have them!
There's a page on this site that mentions this sort of thing, on the 'symptoms' page on the left menu, look at the topic 'The Fears: going crazy, of dying, of impending doom, of normal things, unusual feelings and emotions, unusually frightening thoughts or feelings'. You're certainly not alone.

[fashionista]

Thank you so so much for your reply - I will check out that topic! I feel so guilty for having these thoughts, and YES it is exactly as if I am somehow daring myself to think these things. At the moment, every time something bad pops into my head, I try and focus on something else - like the postal strike!!! I know that sounds wierd, but I figure something like that, which my brain can't manipulate into something bad, it's something I can't overthink about, helps take my mind off things!! Bizarre I know!!!