Hello, I guess I need to introduce myself

[Fenty]

I am glad to have found this site. I am married aged 44 and since my last high pressure job in December 09 have lived in a constant state of fear over lack of money and cannot really cope with situations like collecting my child from school. I sit at home all day, am constantly nervous and can no longer drive as I find it too frightening.

This year I just feel worn out. I have applied for nearly 70 roles - many of them coming from calls to me but have made just 5 interviews. My husband has relied on me being a high earning breadwinner and is putting me under pressure (we are more or less on state benefits now and living in a 2 bedroom council house) as he is used to looking after our child. She is now starting school permanently. He also finally doing a job two days a week and I have pushed (filled in the application form etc) him onto an asst teaching course which will last 6 months - he is 38 and really has lived off me for the 10 yrs of our marriage.

My parents are both dead and I have limited contact with siblings - I am trying to do everything for my daughter I can, but am feeling as though we are on a slippery slope.
My mother left me a small amount of money which thankfully is invested in two small properties but my husband has a desire to live in a smart part of town and educate our daughter privately. With some of my mother's inheiritance we managed to do this for two years but we are running low. Without work, I cannot do this, and am happy with our daughter in a state school. I feel bitter that although bright he has not contributing to our household and until I pushed him had no intention of having a career, it is nearly too late now. I have got to the point of seperation twice this autumn but I know he loves me and I do not want to replicate my parents who divorced when I was 4, the same age as my daughter.

A few problems here I guess, maybe CBT may help. I have seen one psychiatrist who just listened for an hour and gave me no advice at all, so no good really.

Any thoughts?

Kind regards, Fenty.

[diane07]

Hi Fenty

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[Skakitty]

Hiya,

Have you tried couples councilling?

If you are having feelings like bitterness towards him, it needs to be addressed in a healthy way. You can then also talk about differing views towards education and lack of ambition etc, and try to work though it.

I hope you do feel better soon.

xxGabbie

[Fenty]

Thank you I am reading through some of the first steps and certainly think that keeping a journal and some of the remedies will be helpful.

I will also think about the counselling, but it is more a case of trying to create a long term strategy for financial survival for myself and my daughter. I have created some life policies for her and done my will which mentally is a step forward.

The driving thing is a psychological barrier to my getting out and about. I used to be a very fast company driver until I had my daughter - it is a bit strange my mother was the same and lost her nerve at about 50. Has anyone been through this and got back driving? I guess my only option is maybe to sign up for lessons again.

Kind regards
Sarah:)

[mandyclare]

Hi Sarah.

I am going to be blunt here.. I hope this doesn't come across as unhelpful or offensive in any way but from what you have said, and of course that is all we have to go by, I feel that your husband has been very lucky to have you work extremely stressful jobs all this time and allow him to stay at home and not work.. He is still a young man and maybe it is HIS turn to give you the time and rest you need, not to mention time with your child and put some hard graft in himself. I am not slating him, so please don't misunderstand. I am sure he has done a great job being at home father to your daughter but you now need him to be strong and take some control of bringing in an income.

I really hope you feel better and please don't worry too much. You are lucky enough to have property so you will always have a roof over your head.

Take care and feel free to p.m. anytime you need to chat.

mand x

[Fenty]

Thank you Mandy - you put in writing exactly my feelings so you must understand very well.

I think the property thing sadly is a false alley, one is in negative equity anyway and I will have to sell the other to keep going at this rate.

I am sure there are many families who have lost jobs and have limited income and cannot cope with the constant stress of asking the state for help, I think in our situation it is more my husband's attitude of limited interest in doing any work.

It is constantly draining - which in itself has been more distressing than the back operation (slipped disc) I had three weeks ago (I ended up having to move stuff he told me he had packed from our last house).

Your support is very much appreciated Mandy.

[gypsywomen]

you will get better counseling on this sit there all fantastic i couldn't do without it i am so much better since being on here xxx