Feeling of guilt wont leave me !

[Joellie]

Eugh i've been alright recently *thank god!* but tonight im having a bit of an episode. I was randomly watching tv and for some my anxiety came on. I suddenly felt guilty about something that happened 2/3 years ago.

I was with my boyfriend (at that point wed been together about 2 years and i wasnt happy because he was at uni and we didnt talk as much as i liked so i felt lonely and i started talking to some boy online who said all the right things. We got each others phone numbers and sent some "flirty" messages which my boyfriend later found. At this point i realised i was stupid and i should have just spoken to my boyfriend about it as i was only interested in this boy because he was there when my boyfriend wasnt. After a big upset and after how really sorry i was for doing it we started over and i think my boyfriend forgave me.

But now i just feel terribly guilty about it! ive not thought about it in ages, nothing triggered it i just suddenly had in my head "oh my god you liked someone else when you were with him" (him being the boyfriend) and i feel guilty and selfish like i dont deserve him! i just cant believe i ever did something like that i mean there has been times when ive felt lonely when with my boyfrtiend and i had had thoughts back then of "could someone else make a better boyfriend?" which i just feel totally upset by. My boyfriend is really good to me and we love each other. I just feel sick with guilt that i ever thought of being with anyone else and the thought of what i did with the other guy.

I mean i should have moved on i dont know why its rearing its head i know its in the past, ive learnt from it just my anxiety seems to think its got an excuse to try and throw the "well if you did that surely you dont love your boyfriend" thing at me. I know better though, just writing it has made me calm down a bit, ive spokent o my boyfriend about it or rather were discussing it now. I know i love him i just need to put the thought from my mind.

Sorry for the rant and sorry its so long

[bottleblond]

Hi there

It's completely natural for something to trigger things that have happened in the past whether it is a positive memory or a bad one.

You have to remember though that this did happen a long time ago and you have moved on with your relationship. Please don't let it phase you in any way as you made the right desission and one that you are happy with.

Hold your head high and be proud that you made things right again and leave the past burried where it belongs, I know i did!! lol

Take care
Lisa
xxx
:bighug1:

[Joellie]

Yeah i know lol im fine now i jsut had a random bad hour! With my counciller were going over my past because i quite clearly buried my feelings then to get through it but because ive done that its come back to me through anxiety. So im working towards expressing the feelings from then now and i think i suddenly paniced about the fact the feelings of guilt could come back and because im anxious they did!

thanks for the reply