Sexual Health

[harasgenster]

I am consistently worried about this. I have always been worried about my genitals since I was about 13 (now 23) because I've always thought they looked different to how they were supposed to. When I was a teenager I was always very careful to use protection and was able to hold out a couple of weeks before having sex with men but, after a couple of bad, long-term relationships with men, I have become quite the opposite. I'll have sex with men on the first date and won't use protection. I'm usually drunk but sometimes I'll do this sober. Other women see sex as a bit of fun and I saw it that way before I was 16 (when I ended up in a 2.5 year abusive relationship with a man 7 years older). Nowadays I end up having sex with men straight away, calling off any kind of relationship with them (I usually don't like them) and then feel deeply wounded and upset for weeks afterwards. During this time I obsess about my sexual health. I'm always sure I must have caught something. I'm going to the GUM clinic tomorrow as this happened again last weekend to get a full check to stop me panicking but I think it's got a lot to do with feeling "dirty" and "infected" by my behaviour that sets off the anxiety that I will be literally "infected". Though, obviously, I need to start using protection again, because there is always reason to worry if you don't, you never know.

I have a coil so I won't get pregnant and am not worried about that but this always tears me up and I become terrified of STIs. I know it's my own fault if I get one but I want to find a way to stop this cycle of behaviour which, to me, has absolutely no pros and a lot of cons.

There's a few issues here, not all to do with health, but the health forum seemed the best place to put it because of the STI factor - hope this is appropriate posting!

Anybody any insight into whats going on with me? I feel like such an idiot whenever I do this and I get really upset!

Thanks

[BabyRachel]

Going to the clinic is definatly the first step. I think you need to look at WHY your having these impulsive sexual relationships with men. Im not judging you, I think your in some deep distress and pain at the moment. Are you doing this because you just don't care anymore? Because you want to be noticed? Be validated? Feel something? There could be any reasons but I think the first thing to do is to find out why your doing it. That way you can work on fixing that problem. Maybe seeing a therapist may help.. I hope everything works out for you. xx

[westofengland]

hiya. I have a lot of anxiey about sexual health too, yet I still take the odd risk and I too have decided to go to the GUM clinic for (another) test. For a long time I used to look at sex as something really important to me, fancied myself as a ladies man and got a bit promiscuous. I realise it hasn't made me happy and fuelled my HA. It's another example of me looking outside myself or validation and stuff to make me feel happy. I now realise the best sex is the sex you get in a proper relationship. I'm not judging you and there's nothing wrong with having lots of partners, but please use protection - it's not just HIV, there are lot of other STIs to worry about too. Why take the risk - unless you are 'getting off' on taking the risk? Hope it helps. Also, sex can be an addiction just like booze and drugs, it gives a short term high but it doesn't last. GOod luck and stay safe

[Maj]

It sounds to me as though you're trying to punish yourself for something? That you feel so little about yourself. That you're prepared to let men take what they want from you at your expense. At least you are attending the clinics but please, don't take risks. You are worth far more than this. Try to find out deep in your heart why you're putting yourself through this and you'll maybe get peace of mind.:hugs:
Myra

[harasgenster]

Thank you everybody.

I really don't enjoy taking the risk, in fact I don't even enjoy the sex. It does always feel like punishment. I think the reason it happens is because I have stopped caring, like some of you have said. I sometimes feel like I don't care what happens to me. But the pain it causes me later is terrible and, having started my sexual life very responsibly where protection is concerned, I end up hating myself for not looking after my health and being "so stupid" as I usually tell myself.

I've thought about this a lot now and think I am doing it because I want physical contact. I don't go out looking for sex and certainly don't have a lot of sex (it had been nine months since I'd been with a man until recently and this is normal for me) but if someone offers it me I'll take it. I imagine that the man will hold me while he does it but in reality this is never true. I'm just doing it for the hug and, if there aren't condoms to hand, I'll just take the risk to get that hug.

In reality I never get the hug or the affection that I'm looking for and I end up feeling awful because I haven't used protection. I'm going to start carrying condoms just in case now because I think I'd use one if I had it but my aim is to stop having sex outside of a loving relationship because it hurts me.

Thank you, everybody, for your support, and for not judging me. I was worried everybody here would think I was a slut and I'm always afraid that that's what I am. I'm going to be much more vigilant in the future and try to learn from this.

Thanks.

[Cell block H fan]

You really need to start using protection. You're playing the gambling game. Regardless of why you are sleeping around, thats another issue, & everyone has said all that needs to be said there. This gambling with your health thing is actually quite dangerous. It can only take one infected person with something nasty, to set you on a road of long term health problems. My friend had a one nighter once years ago, she never made a habit of it, & ended up with herpes. Now that never goes away. She's stuck with it for life.
Get the tests done, get the all clear, then go from there. Counselling will be good to sort out the issues of the why's & wherefores of why you jump into bed so easily.
But even if you still sleep around, & thats your choice & nothing wrong with it for the right reasons, make sure you use protection from now on! Std's are preventable health problems. We're in control there xx

[Maj]

I would never dare to judge you. No, I don't think you are what you called a "slut" because if you were you wouldn't even have a worry about what you are doing to yourself. I think you are desperately craving some love and attention and are putting yourself in danger by doing what you are. Please, always take precautions and look after yourself. Hopefully some time you'll find someone who will really take care of you and put all these negative feelings about yourself behind you. You seem a very self-aware person so why don't you start by thinking more of yourself. You'll always get support and kind thoughts from people on here.
Myra:hugs:

[harasgenster]

Many, many thanks everybody. I've talked to my friends about this too now and they, and you, have convinced me that I have nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody makes mistakes after all and it's not like I do this every week. After I get the all-clear (I hope) I will be making a lot of changes, including not drinking alcohol on dates as if I get nervous I drink too much and then I stop caring. I'm also looking at the root causes and rethinking a lot of things. CBT methods are really helping.

Many thanks again for everybody's support.