maxine
08-11-09, 14:06
Hi,
I thought I'd finished with all this, after years of meds/cbt and fighting constantly I actually had a "normal" life for a while.
I was doing ok, I still got anxious but the attacks had stopped and I wasn't Agoraphobic anymore.
The past few months I've been panicy, had a few attacks but tried to ignore it and just do what i normally did... get on with life.
It's taken over again, I know it's my fault because I know what i should and shouldn't be doing but it's just so hard to deal with, as i type this i'm crying as i don't think i have any fight in me for this again.
I'm doing all the things that slaughtered me the last time... I'm avoiding things which is the worst thing i can do, i know that but i just can't bring myself to deal with it head on.
I'm anxious all the time, the minute i wake up in the morning it's the first thought in my mind , the first 4-5 hours after i wake it's all about trying to control the panic from rising in the pit of my stomach.
I started drinking too much alcohol just so i could still do some normal things without thinking about every single detail which was just starting a vicious circle as the following day I was more anxious than ever.
It's not like I don't have someone who understands, bless my other half, he's trying so hard and i can see it in his eyes that he's disappointed in me, i don't know if that makes things better or worse.
I want to run away , I'm pushing him away and anyone else who tries to help purely out of fear.
I know i'm on the verge of losing everything i fought so hard to get back but it was such a struggle to recover the last time i just don't know if i can do it all again.
Sorry for the rant I'm just feeling really low , how did it come to this again, what did i do wrong for it to come back?
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Maxine
I thought I'd finished with all this, after years of meds/cbt and fighting constantly I actually had a "normal" life for a while.
I was doing ok, I still got anxious but the attacks had stopped and I wasn't Agoraphobic anymore.
The past few months I've been panicy, had a few attacks but tried to ignore it and just do what i normally did... get on with life.
It's taken over again, I know it's my fault because I know what i should and shouldn't be doing but it's just so hard to deal with, as i type this i'm crying as i don't think i have any fight in me for this again.
I'm doing all the things that slaughtered me the last time... I'm avoiding things which is the worst thing i can do, i know that but i just can't bring myself to deal with it head on.
I'm anxious all the time, the minute i wake up in the morning it's the first thought in my mind , the first 4-5 hours after i wake it's all about trying to control the panic from rising in the pit of my stomach.
I started drinking too much alcohol just so i could still do some normal things without thinking about every single detail which was just starting a vicious circle as the following day I was more anxious than ever.
It's not like I don't have someone who understands, bless my other half, he's trying so hard and i can see it in his eyes that he's disappointed in me, i don't know if that makes things better or worse.
I want to run away , I'm pushing him away and anyone else who tries to help purely out of fear.
I know i'm on the verge of losing everything i fought so hard to get back but it was such a struggle to recover the last time i just don't know if i can do it all again.
Sorry for the rant I'm just feeling really low , how did it come to this again, what did i do wrong for it to come back?
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Maxine