I can't deal with this again.

[maxine]

Hi,

I thought I'd finished with all this, after years of meds/cbt and fighting constantly I actually had a "normal" life for a while.
I was doing ok, I still got anxious but the attacks had stopped and I wasn't Agoraphobic anymore.

The past few months I've been panicy, had a few attacks but tried to ignore it and just do what i normally did... get on with life.

It's taken over again, I know it's my fault because I know what i should and shouldn't be doing but it's just so hard to deal with, as i type this i'm crying as i don't think i have any fight in me for this again.
I'm doing all the things that slaughtered me the last time... I'm avoiding things which is the worst thing i can do, i know that but i just can't bring myself to deal with it head on.

I'm anxious all the time, the minute i wake up in the morning it's the first thought in my mind , the first 4-5 hours after i wake it's all about trying to control the panic from rising in the pit of my stomach.
I started drinking too much alcohol just so i could still do some normal things without thinking about every single detail which was just starting a vicious circle as the following day I was more anxious than ever.

It's not like I don't have someone who understands, bless my other half, he's trying so hard and i can see it in his eyes that he's disappointed in me, i don't know if that makes things better or worse.

I want to run away , I'm pushing him away and anyone else who tries to help purely out of fear.

I know i'm on the verge of losing everything i fought so hard to get back but it was such a struggle to recover the last time i just don't know if i can do it all again.

Sorry for the rant I'm just feeling really low , how did it come to this again, what did i do wrong for it to come back?

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Maxine

[Danielle2009]

Hi Maxine,

I know what you are going through please do not feel alone. 1in 5 people suffer from this condition!!
I am 21 and have been suffering for nearly 4 years now!! I thought I ad beaten this and lived a normal life for over a year and then one day it come back!!
I feel like I have no fight in me to do this again but I have to otherwise it will control me!! I have tried to cbt sessions but did not feel they helped. I am on medication from the doctor but that does not seem to help. I am no enrolled in hypnotheraphy sessions www.sich.co.uk (http://www.sich.co.uk) and they have cured so many people!!
I am hoping this will help me and hope it will help you too!!

Danielle

[gypsywomen]

your not laloane if you did it once you can do it again ,,we all have relapses .not nice but we have to figh i know they say go with it but i find overcomming it by saying to myself your not going to beat me helped ,hope you feel better soon ,,,your never alone never

[*D*]

Hi Maxine,
I just want you to no you are not alone. I can understand completly with what you are going through, I have been suffering from anxiety for as long as I can remember. It first started about 18 years ago, I had my first panic attack and it changed my life I think forever. I have been doing realy well over the last couple of years, I have been completly off all meds, I took myself off Lexapro (very Slowly) because I gained 50 pounds on the drug, sorry I no you dont use ponds as a reference, and I was learning to live with the anxiety. I no it is always there but I could control it. But he last few months have been brutal, I also have health anxiety, I would say this is my primery disorder if I had to pick one.

I no exactly how you feel when you say you dont have the fight to keep fighting this, This very morning I had a panic attack and I havent had one in a long time and I said the same thing I dont want to do this anymore.
But then I looked into the mirror and said I am not going to let this take me prisoner again, I worked to HARD to get my life back and I am not going to go backwards. I have a huge event today and the old me would have said to my husband that I am not going, but I am!! I am going to go and I am going to enjoy the day, with all my friends.
This has robbed me and all of us of so much living, I cant let it take any more. Your post realy got to me, I havent been on this site in a very long time, I guess there was a reason I came on today, maybe to help you and at the same time help myself.
Dont give up, you can do it, one day at a time. if you ever need to talk you cam pm anytime.

Hugs,
D

[erin31]

Maxine this is so awful and so sad but please, please don't give up.
So many people on this forum have times when they struggle just to get through the day but they do get through.
There is so much support for you here so you are never alone with this. There will always be someone to understand and help.
:hugs:

[gypsywomen]

never give up be strong we are all with you 100%xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[maxine]

Thank you for your replies.:)

I guess i'm just completely sick of fighting all the time, or possibly just feeling sorry for myself!

I'm 26 now and this started when i was 17.. i was full blown for years then i had 2 blissful years of peace, I'd forgotten what it was to feel anxious about things.. then they came back for a while.. then i had another year of peace.

I'm going to have to fight i know that but i just wish it wasn't so draining.

I explained to my other half what was going on this afternoon, he knew but i wasn't really ready to admit it which helped as at least he knows where i'm coming from when i'm acting all weird.

We went out, in the car.. i refused to get out the car but at least i went out.
He's currently writing out what looks to be motovation stuff... he won't let me see yet! lol

I'll be alright... i just need to get it into my head that i will be and i guess i'm be ranting on here alot again lol

Thank you for giving me a boot up the backside, after talking to the OH i've decided first thing tomorrow i need to sort out a doctors appointment, I didn't want to have to but it's time i se i'm not going to deal with this solo.

Positive steps are needed even if i really don't want to deal with it, I hide the last time and the mes i got myself into took years to get out of!

Thanks again

Maxine xx