unweave
10-11-09, 01:17
Hi, I'm a junior in college in Philadelphia, and I've always had a slight anxiety problem. Whether it be about time, responsibilities, deadlines, you name it; I always get this extreme sense of panic. In highschool I became very despondent about it. I think the relationship I had with my parents eventually made me into an anxious person; I don't resent them at all, of course, they're great people, but it lead me to expect so much out of myself it became overwhelming.
When I got to college I would get so overwhelmed with time and punctuality that my toes would get numb and I'd get this really crazy heart palpatation. I could deal with it for the most part, and I knew how to relax and cope with it. This past fall though, I felt really overwhelmed, anxious, stressed, you name it; and these feelings started to manifest themselves in a new worry, the only worry I had control over: my health.
I (like most people on here, I'm sure) started googling all of my "symptoms" I was having and CONVINCED myself I had HIV. I had a mental breakdown. I drove my mother insane, I called her frequently throughout the day to discuss "what if" situations with her. I missed a lot of class, my friends had to babysit me and convince me my lymph nodes weren't swelling and the sore throat I had was because I had a cold and not because I was dying of HIV.
I got tested. I came out negative. Everything was OK for a while. Then, until recently, I thought "well, what if it didn't show up?" I came down with a really bad sinus infection and sore throat, which I'm still getting over, and convinced myself yet again that my symptoms were HIV related. Or that I had cancer. Maybe Lupus... my mind went out of control again.
I live every day with this. Every single day I'm touching under my arms to under my jaw and behind my head to check for swelling. I'm giving myself self-exams; all the while though in the back of my mind I'm well aware I'm in fairly good health.
Some days are better than others. I still feel anxious and dizzy in situations. I hate that feeling of pressure and loss of control. I hate that I'm consuming my life with this fear of dying and dragging my friends and family along with me. I always ask my ex boyfriend, "ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE HIV NEGATIVE?" and it just gets to the point where he, along with everyone else, thinks I'm this crazy hypochondriac with no sense of control.
I'm a successful student. I plan to go to graduate school, start a great career, and raise a wonderful family. I feel as if my anxiety inhibits me from being as great as I know I can.
I just wanted to share my story. I am so thankful I found this forum. It's so good to know that I'm not the only one struggling.
When I got to college I would get so overwhelmed with time and punctuality that my toes would get numb and I'd get this really crazy heart palpatation. I could deal with it for the most part, and I knew how to relax and cope with it. This past fall though, I felt really overwhelmed, anxious, stressed, you name it; and these feelings started to manifest themselves in a new worry, the only worry I had control over: my health.
I (like most people on here, I'm sure) started googling all of my "symptoms" I was having and CONVINCED myself I had HIV. I had a mental breakdown. I drove my mother insane, I called her frequently throughout the day to discuss "what if" situations with her. I missed a lot of class, my friends had to babysit me and convince me my lymph nodes weren't swelling and the sore throat I had was because I had a cold and not because I was dying of HIV.
I got tested. I came out negative. Everything was OK for a while. Then, until recently, I thought "well, what if it didn't show up?" I came down with a really bad sinus infection and sore throat, which I'm still getting over, and convinced myself yet again that my symptoms were HIV related. Or that I had cancer. Maybe Lupus... my mind went out of control again.
I live every day with this. Every single day I'm touching under my arms to under my jaw and behind my head to check for swelling. I'm giving myself self-exams; all the while though in the back of my mind I'm well aware I'm in fairly good health.
Some days are better than others. I still feel anxious and dizzy in situations. I hate that feeling of pressure and loss of control. I hate that I'm consuming my life with this fear of dying and dragging my friends and family along with me. I always ask my ex boyfriend, "ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE HIV NEGATIVE?" and it just gets to the point where he, along with everyone else, thinks I'm this crazy hypochondriac with no sense of control.
I'm a successful student. I plan to go to graduate school, start a great career, and raise a wonderful family. I feel as if my anxiety inhibits me from being as great as I know I can.
I just wanted to share my story. I am so thankful I found this forum. It's so good to know that I'm not the only one struggling.