harasgenster
10-11-09, 15:22
Hi.
I'm diagnosed with mood instability (i.e. low on bipolar spectrum) but in my opinion, my depression is almost always caused by anxiety.
I feel like I'm useless at everything. I get praise for the things I do (comedian/scriptwriter) but I always presume that people just don't have the heart to tell me that I have no talent. No proof is enough for me. A couple of years ago I graduated top of my year from uni. It was an half academic, half creative course; and should have been proof that I'm good at those things. But I keep worrying that I'm very average, and that when I have done well it is not because I am good at something but that I tried harder than everyone else.
I get embarassed when I realise I haven't been doing something "right". I read that comedians look down on new acts that don't visit comedy clubs regularly to learn the craft from the pros. I don't do that and I've admitted to it on the circuit and now I think everybody is frowning on me. The reason I don't is because I either have no money to go to the nights or, when they are free-entry, I'm afraid to go alone and my friends don't want to go. I'm just going to start going on my own now though. I want to learn and I want people to see that I am serious. The only problem is what an effect this has had on me! Nobody has told me that they frown upon me but I just expect everybody to!
I should have been able to go for a career after university but since I feel this way I miss out on opportunities and avoid things. I don't have enough confidence in my abilities, most of the time, to give anything a go.
I have worked in a lot of basic admin jobs over the time where I get very frustrated because I worked so hard so that I can have something better. Plus I am treated differently from all of the other people in the office. Often the boss will mention my "first class degree" in front of other people and I will feel mocked. It means that I am not allowed to make mistakes. They get angry at me for making mistakes and will shout more at me than others because I'm "supposed to be bright". Then I am treated with suspicion when employers presume I am leaving soon for something else. Of course I'm working on my own writing in my spare time but I can't admit it to them in case I lose my job. They tend to try to monitor my spare time to see what I'm doing. I think this is because I look tired a lot because I don't sleep. Sometimes literally don't sleep for up to 35 hours. What annoys me is that I work very hard when I'm in jobs, whatever the role, but that's often overlooked. I left my last job when the stress got on top of me. The day before I went, the people in the office were joking about some competition where you could win a lot of money. In front of everybody in the office the boss looked over at me and said "I think she should have it. Then she wouldn't need to work for money and could do whatever she wanted". I felt hurt because it made it look like I was trying to avoid work where, in reality, I was not only doing my own work but taking on the work of others who were not doing their jobs properly!
Anyway, sorry for the rant. I'm just sick of being held back by depression. If I had more confidence I would never have had to be in these jobs where people see me as "different" because I'm overqualified - I could be with people that just see me as the same as them, in jobs that seem to suit my qualifications. I get jealous when I see other people my age or younger further along, especially when I find out that the only difference between us is confidence. Often, even though I'm not completely confident with my own work, when I see the work of people further ahead of me I do know that I can do better.
Sorry, I don't know what I'm looking for here, except to rant! I suppose I would like to know if anybody has increased their self-esteem in any way and how they did it? I would like to stop worrying about my worth so that I can get on with my life and my career! I've worked so hard for it!
I'm diagnosed with mood instability (i.e. low on bipolar spectrum) but in my opinion, my depression is almost always caused by anxiety.
I feel like I'm useless at everything. I get praise for the things I do (comedian/scriptwriter) but I always presume that people just don't have the heart to tell me that I have no talent. No proof is enough for me. A couple of years ago I graduated top of my year from uni. It was an half academic, half creative course; and should have been proof that I'm good at those things. But I keep worrying that I'm very average, and that when I have done well it is not because I am good at something but that I tried harder than everyone else.
I get embarassed when I realise I haven't been doing something "right". I read that comedians look down on new acts that don't visit comedy clubs regularly to learn the craft from the pros. I don't do that and I've admitted to it on the circuit and now I think everybody is frowning on me. The reason I don't is because I either have no money to go to the nights or, when they are free-entry, I'm afraid to go alone and my friends don't want to go. I'm just going to start going on my own now though. I want to learn and I want people to see that I am serious. The only problem is what an effect this has had on me! Nobody has told me that they frown upon me but I just expect everybody to!
I should have been able to go for a career after university but since I feel this way I miss out on opportunities and avoid things. I don't have enough confidence in my abilities, most of the time, to give anything a go.
I have worked in a lot of basic admin jobs over the time where I get very frustrated because I worked so hard so that I can have something better. Plus I am treated differently from all of the other people in the office. Often the boss will mention my "first class degree" in front of other people and I will feel mocked. It means that I am not allowed to make mistakes. They get angry at me for making mistakes and will shout more at me than others because I'm "supposed to be bright". Then I am treated with suspicion when employers presume I am leaving soon for something else. Of course I'm working on my own writing in my spare time but I can't admit it to them in case I lose my job. They tend to try to monitor my spare time to see what I'm doing. I think this is because I look tired a lot because I don't sleep. Sometimes literally don't sleep for up to 35 hours. What annoys me is that I work very hard when I'm in jobs, whatever the role, but that's often overlooked. I left my last job when the stress got on top of me. The day before I went, the people in the office were joking about some competition where you could win a lot of money. In front of everybody in the office the boss looked over at me and said "I think she should have it. Then she wouldn't need to work for money and could do whatever she wanted". I felt hurt because it made it look like I was trying to avoid work where, in reality, I was not only doing my own work but taking on the work of others who were not doing their jobs properly!
Anyway, sorry for the rant. I'm just sick of being held back by depression. If I had more confidence I would never have had to be in these jobs where people see me as "different" because I'm overqualified - I could be with people that just see me as the same as them, in jobs that seem to suit my qualifications. I get jealous when I see other people my age or younger further along, especially when I find out that the only difference between us is confidence. Often, even though I'm not completely confident with my own work, when I see the work of people further ahead of me I do know that I can do better.
Sorry, I don't know what I'm looking for here, except to rant! I suppose I would like to know if anybody has increased their self-esteem in any way and how they did it? I would like to stop worrying about my worth so that I can get on with my life and my career! I've worked so hard for it!