I'm safer left alone

[Bill]

Just need to offload as things are getting on top of me.

The anniversary of my fathers funeral 4 years ago is tomorrow. I support my mother who has her incurable illness although she's perfectly well at present. Our old dog is very slowly getting worse because his legs are getting gradually weaker and he's almost incontinent so when he needs to go he can't hold on. My wife's illness has also got worse because she's becoming even slower. They offered a new drug which after the things I read made me feel the risks outweighed any benefit and would only create more problems for both of us. Since then, a couple of weeks ago, they've come back with no alternative solutions. They cancelled my appt yesterday because pf their problems and arranged another in 2 weeks time at 9.30am! Ok for most but not when I'm not gtting any sleep, as they know! I've tried going to bed earlier and shutting my door but I keep being woken up after 6am because of either my wife just going to bed or the dog not being able to hold on and often clearing up what he's left on the newspaper I have to lay out every night.

As for me, I've not been well with bad toothache making me have to use painkillers and a hot water bottle to lay on to numb the pain. However, after seeing the dentist and having an x-ray, it appears it's sinus trouble pressing on the tooth together with my TMJ (clenching) at night. I feel washed out with an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to curl up in bed all day every day.

I feel I want someone to carry me off, wrap me in a blanket and take all the pressures off my shoulders but I know I'd want more....and more...and more....until I'd end up doing more harm than good and forcing them away so I feel it's better to leave me to cope alone. It's just safer. Sorry if it sounds depressing but I feel trapped and too tired to keep fighting when there's no way out anyway.:hugs:

[diane07]

Bill,

I felt so sad after reading this thread, how much can you take on?

It is so very difficult when you are trying to help everyone, especially when you know you are needed by them, but where is your time?

I know you miss your dad very much and it must be so painful for you.

The lack of sleep is going to weigh you down too, is there some way you can have some respite for a short time, even if its to catch up with your sleep.

I actually feel like picking you up and wrapping you in a blanket, you need more help with all this bill, a break, respite, you need some support.

we are all here for you bill and all care:hugs:

di xx

[bottleblond]

Oh Bill :hugs:

Hun there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with saying, 'you know what, i need help here too'. I know you are quite a proud man and i also understand that if help did come your way, you would want more and more but Bill me darlin, that is only natural. You can not possibly care 24/7 for others around you without wanting, no NEEDING an escape route, you wouldn't be human if that was the case mate.

maybe you need to let down your gaurd a tad and say 'Yes please'. Do NOT be ashamed of asking for help or recieving it because it's your basic human right to have some type of 'you' time where you no one is relying on you.

Bill i only have one kid hun and even i need a break. I need my 'me' time.

Sending you lots of love and hugs
Lisa
xxxx

:hugs:

[Maj]

Hi Bill,

You've got a lot to contend with and no wonder you feel so low. Thinking about your dad will be getting you down. The illness of your mum and wife and wee dog - my heart goes out to you - I don't know what else to say to you because nothing I can say or do can help you, other than to say that my thoughts are with you at this very difficult time. I think you are a very strong person and you will cope, even though it must be very difficult at times, but you always seem to find strength from somewhere. Please take care.
Myra:hugs:

[Laura292]

Hey Hun. I'm really sorry to read what you have been going through. I know how you feel, it all happens at the same tine and I understand how losing a dog can be as they are your best friend as well as part of your family.
You need to just go for a walk and sit, just stare into space, cry If you need to. You need to let some emotion out. I'm going through a load of poo at the moment, read my introduce yourself thing to explain.
You will feel shit for a while but after time you will feel better. You don't see it now but you are making progress just coming on here typing it down. You need to keep talking about it and you will start to feel better.
If you need to talk pm me. Not sure if I can help you or not but I believe that things will get better.
Laura

[nomorepanic]

Aww Bill

You have a lot going on at the moment and I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.

http://images.paraorkut.com/img/pics/glitters/h/hugs_to_you-1786.gif


You are a very special person and deserve some happiness and rest from all these problems.

I hope things improve for you soon

xxx

[MOJO]

Dear Bill,
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time again. Sending you loads of hugs.:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:. I have PM'd you too.
Judy.x

[Desprate Dan]

Bill, you are such a special person and it hurts me very much to read them words you written, i feel your pain and i want so much to help you Bill, i only wish i had a magic wand to make things better for you. But one thing for certain Bill you will never be alone we are all here to help you, just like you have helped so many of us. I really do think you need a break, i wish i lived closer to you so i could try and help you, Your father would be so proud of the great man you are, i know your pain i lost my father too and now i believe it is my duty to do the best i possibly can for my mother..

I am thinking of you my friend.

Take Care

Dan

[Bill]

Thank you Everyone and Nic for the lovely words and pic:)!!! I feel honoured and privileged but undeserving of the praise indeed from "our extra special boss"!:hugs:

Sometimes in the past when I've told them what I've been through and what my life is like, they say to me they don't know how I cope because they would never have made changes years ago but I don't regard it as a compliment that I've stayed. To me, they are the normal strong people who are able to think of themselves so that they can lead normal happier lives in a loving relationship.

When I read what others have been through and how much they've suffered, I feel I really can't complain and nor should I depress them with my problems when I'm incapable of helping myself. I feel when I offload I'm moaning and it isn't fair so I try hard not to say too much about my own problems.

I'm sorry because just lately things have got worse and I'm feeling more pressure from being trapped and alone with everything. The only way I can see things improving is for things to get much worse first because I feel all those around me will only get more ill with time and I fear that I will also get ill as a result. I'm sure my sinus problem etc is a symptom of that but no one can help. they can only listen. What can anyone do to help me anyway when I'm the only one who can help myself but I can't.

I've tried saying to my wife about making changes to help her get to bed but she's not interested. I've tried force but I'm met with a barrier. Even the helper who visits to do the cleaning has noticed that we're catching our tail now that our times of getting up and going to bed are so out of normality.

If I asked for respite, who would look after her? She can't look after herself for more than a day. Who would look after the dog when I can't even get him in and out the car without causing further strain to his legs? How can I ask the mental health team to take her away and help her get better when even they are at a loss what to do? She'll only come back to her old routines anyway. How can I leave when it would kill me inside and cause worry to her and my mother? There are So many complications to every avenue I can think of which is why I feel I can't be the one to initiate anything. I just feel that I'll just have to bide my time, survive and let things run their course whatever the conclusion will be.

We have helpers for my wife but only for a few hours each week but for 19 years I've always had to cope with my needs and emotions alone. It's my fate.

When people say they don't know what to say or don't know what they can do to help, I expect it because in truth there is nothing they can offer except a virtual shoulder to cry on. I have cried many times alone and not told anyone. I put on a smiling face to hide my pain and I do my best just to survive. I do have my little outlets of relief such as sport and the red cross work, and I do have better days than others, and I try to remind myself how much more others suffer compared to me and those are the people who really need help who can be helped unlike me.

I feel I have so many virtual friends on nmp who understand me but none in real life and yet there are very very few that I really know on here other than via pm's or posts but I feel that's probably a good thing for their sakes. I feel I'm too vulnerable and too needy because of my situation so I'd only end up pushing them away. It's better I feel to keep distance so that my issues don't get in the way of trying to help others. Someone once said to me I should be a therapist or counsellor but added that I couldn't until I sorted my own issues. They're right because my issues make me too vulnerable.

I remember once I had an indian head massage but after a couple of sessions the woman told me she could no longer continue because in her words, "my aura was too strong". I know that sounds really arrogant but what she was really saying was that she could simply sense how little affection I've had because to me there is something magical and alluring from a womans touch which is why I'm safer left alone or at a distance because of my vulnerability due to lack of closeness. I would only cause more emotional harm than good because of my issues. I'm sorry but when you don't get hugs or closeness of any form it can make you very needy which people sense which then drives them away. I'm just being frank about things. This is why I feel I'm better coping alone because then no one else gets dragged into my situation and problems that I can't change.

To give you an example of how it affects me, a while ago I was standing in a queue in the bank with a rail beside me. I suddenly noticed a womans hand placed on the rail from behind me and as I stood there, I felt compelled to look at it, to analyse its soft complexity, to imagine how such a delicate hand would feel to touch, to imagine caressing and smoothing it if I was allowed, how it would feel against my skin. You see, this is what happens when you can't have things you need. The pain makes you imagine even though you know you could never touch unless the woman allowed it. Sometimes a womans smile can feel like a magnet or her eyes like sparkling jewels that hypnotise. Sometimes her aura can feel intoxicating. Sorry. I'm just a "sad" romantic. After I saw this womans hand, I felt inspired to write this piece which I did post a while back but for those who haven't read it, maybe you'll enjoy it.....


Standing in a seemingly endless queue, I suddenly noticed a woman’s hand outstretched holding the rail from behind me. It was not young but nor was it old and as I gazed upon its satin texture for that momentary glance, I became intoxicated with its sublime simplistic beauty.

As I stood there with her colourful oyster-shell nails glimmering beside me, I felt her warm presence burning through my back with the heat of a summer’s midday sun, which although consumed me with profound sadness, also filled my heart with peace, and comforted my soul easing my hidden trembling anxieties.

Within a precious moment though, her soft hand was retracted and as I slowly glanced round to attempt a glimpse of her princess image, her flowing auburn hair flashed before me on the breeze above a sinuous silken white dress, as she floated gracefully out of the door melting into a crowded sea, leaving only a tear within my eye reflecting her beautiful image to last my lifetime within only fleeting special memories, before for eternity, she was gone.

Hope I haven't come across as sounding too weird! See, I'm not special. Just a sad pathetic man.

Anyway, no doubt things will sort themselves one way or another and I'm sorry for offloading on people who have far worse things to cope with.:bighug1:

[Veronica H]

:bighug1:Hugs Bill. Sorry you are having such a hard time. I wish there was more that we could do to help. I just wanted to let you know that there are many of your anxiety buddies here who value you as a person. You are not pathetic in any way. You are a brave, sensitive and very caring soul, taking care of your family the way you do. I hope things at home settle down soon and that you get more sleep.

Veronica:hugs:

[onceagain]

:bighug1::hugs::bighug1::hugs:

Thinking of you

[RosieXXX]

Hello Bill,

We are here to listen and support with words of comfort, but I do understand how isolated you must feel, and that you so desperately need some tender loving care. I wish I could find some solution which would help with all the difficulties you have to cope with, and that I could help in some practical way. I think you are a very gentle genuine man with great integrity; and there are many people who would feel honoured to have you as a friend.

I am thinking of you today:hugs:

[Bill]

Thank you.:hugs: I said too much last night. I think to myself sometimes I'm just like my mother because we spend so much time without anyone to talk to who we can share with that once we start, we never know when to stop. Sorry.:hugs:

[bluesparkle]

hi bill
dont ever be sorry...and especially here hun.
we all need someone to talk to...
am sending you lots of :hugs: :hugs::hugs:
rach
x

[pollyanna]

Bill, never apoligise for who you are, many people would be priviledged to have the qualities that you have .
:hugs:

p x

[maddie]

Anniversary's of the passing of someone you loved are always hard. I hope yesterday was not too painful for you. The old cliche "it gets better with time" is true, but I still desperately miss someone I lost 29 years ago, especially around the anniversary of her death. :hugs:

No-one on here will ever judge you. Write what you feel and it's up to the reader to decide whether to reply or not. It's good that you can manage to let it all out. I hope that you feel better for having written this post and I feel priviledged that you felt safe enough with us to share your innermost thoughts. You are a good man. :yesyes:

For me, the issue you raise about dependency is important. To varying degrees, all of us on nmp are needy and vulnerable. I think each person has to take responsibility for not getting into relationships (be they virtual or at meets) that might cause themselves or others distress. However, I don't think that you will ever write anything on here, Bill, that will push others away. We all have a very high regard for you :bighug1:

[Bill]

I feel priviledged that you felt safe enough with us to share your innermost thoughts.

With people like you and others on here I ALWAYS feel safe Maddie because your caring shines so brilliantly, it's blinding.:shades: I can't think of any safer people to be with which is one reason why I keep coming back. The only ways someone can get rid of me is by ignoring me or by telling me they no longer want me around otherwise I stick like chewing gum stuck to their shoe! See, I can be annoying! lol

Oh I can push people away. I'm pretty sure there are those who have got fed up with my moans. In my situ, I reckon if a cake was offered to me I'd want to eat the lot! That'd be enough to scare anyone off!:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[maddie]

Well you'd best save me a few crumbs because I like cake! :)

I try to give encouraging, light replies to people on here because I don't know them. The few I do know well understand that to me friendship means accepting someone faults and all, and being prepared to tell them when I think they are being a pain or need a push. Sometimes my insights aren't comfortable to receive, but they have on occassion caused some enlightenment and helped people move forward. I expect my friends to care enough to do the same for me too.

There's a song by the Carpenters with this chorus. I've reached a point where I let people in when I think they understand it.

You've got to (like) me
For what I am
For simply being me
Don't (like) me
For what you intend
Or hope that I will be:
And if you're only using me
To feed your fantasy
Just let me go
I must be free.
If what you want
Isn't natural for me
I won't pretend to keep you
What I am I have to be.
The picture of perfection
Is only in your mind
For all your expectations
I can never be designed.

I am tired of being what other people want me to be for them. I don't want many people or emotional entanglements in my life. Just a few friends I can say something to and know they understand.

Now would that be Victoria sponge or chocolate gateau?? :hugs:

[Bill]

Mmmm....That's a difficult choice Maddie.....are either of them as sweet as you?:shrug:.....I'm Sure you'd be much more irresistible!:winks:

You remember you said you liked the verse I wrote about a woman by the window as the rain fell? I think you'll like this...."the only truth I know is You":hugs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXxPzqk4dDU&feature=related

[maddie]

Yes, Kathy's song. I like the images they have set it to.

I've edited my post above. It was quicker than starting again!

[marie1974]

Hiya Bill, i just wanted to say i have had a look through your posts and i am very sorry how things r with you at the moment and i honestly do know what u mean, when u say about having good days and then bad and coping and not coping, because i have these days too, i get some days where things get so ontop of me, i feel like running for the hills and hiding away and also feel very angry and bitter.

i then have days where i go for weeks where i just plod on and i dont worry so much and i a quite happy doing what i do, thing is, when we suffer with anxiety or dep etc, it makes things a whole lot worse and mentally drains u.

i am glad you do your charity work and have little time for yourself because even little things like that can b enough to make sure u can carry on and stay sane.

Everything u wrote down Bill is very natural and we all want and need those things and as far as the hugs go, i totally understand, some people dont need many hugs, but people like us do and i find it hard to function if i dont get hugs, they r a very important part of my life.

Your poor dog, they really are like having a child in the house and its so very sad when they get poorly, your dog is very lucky though to have you as dad and i'm sure despite mayb being in pain, he/she is prob very contented and happy.

Thankyou for your email too bill and it nice to catch up now and again, remember to think of all the good things you remember about your father on these sad days, i am sure some of those memories will help you to smile. hugs xxxxxxx

[Bill]

Good to see an old friendly face!:hugs:

I find myself in a strange situation. I cope perfectly ok with my anxiety so I can do what I like, when I like and yet, and I know you will disagree dear Donna, I feel completely trapped in a cage which is denying me things that others take for granted in their relationships but I am powerless to change my situation and so am resigned to how my life must be. I wish I could be selfsh and then maybe I'd enjoy the things other partners have. I've only myself to blame for caging myself alone. At least I can't cause any harm by dragging anyone else in with me.:shrug:

[marie1974]

Hi Bill, it is not that i disagree, i just think diff people react and think different in certain situations and some cope better than others and can put up with more etc etc.

At the end of the day Bill, we have to do what we feel comfortable doing and i can't properly understand your situation so it would b wrong of me to try to tell you what to do, but what u r wanting is only natural and and i dont know how i would b able to cope without those things, so i can only imagine how frustrating and sad this must make u feel.

I do think though sometimes everyone has to b selfish sometimes and think of themselves, being selfish is not bad and people like us, give lots of support to people and try to help the world lol, but occationally need some support and help too and more often than not, prob don't get it, so we have to be abit selfish and sometimes and start thinking about what we want and need and how we deserve to b happy and content and have fun sometimes.

But u r right that u could end up hurting someone in the process who u care about mayb, but knowing u have more important priority's and people in your life that need you, may cause pain for the other person etc because u have commitments, if u get me, god i am useless at writing down what i trying to say haha, i know wot i mean, i hope everyone else does too lol.

Its your life Bill at end of the day and u should do what feels right for u, so i would never judge u on anything and nor should anyone else in certain situations, because its easy from the outside looking in to comment and give advice but in reality its never quite that simple.

U do give great advice on here though Bill and alot of people respect you for that, some people in certain situations rely totally on there pc etc for chat and advice and i am sure u have helped lots of people, i am sure lots r here to support you too. hugs xx

[Bill]

I heard a revelation today which seemed appropriate for this thread.

I've always known my older sister has resented me and I can't honestly remember any happy memories or moments of affection from her when I was little. Today my mother told me something that I never knew!

Evidently my sister wasn't just resentful, she was also spiteful and my mother had to confiscate her pocket money! Why? Because during the summer holidays when she had to look after me, my mother found out she was always pinching me. A little thing I know and I can't honestly remember anything about it but somehow my mother "noticed".

At least I know now why I can't remember anything nice from her.

Seems to be my life history though. Always being pushed away by those who "could" have given me affection - my sister, my mother (although I know she loves me), and my wife for the past 19 years. I kind of have to say to myself is it any wonder I feel so alone and so unloved!:shrug:

[maddie]

Bill maybe one day I'll be brave enough to open all the boxes in my mind and write my story. In the meantime, let me just say that I understand how perplexing and hurtful rejection and physical cruelty can be.

:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:

[Bill]

If you ever want to open the boxes and share with someone, I'd love to listen and offer you comfort.:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:

[maddie]

Thanks Bill. I'm touched because I know you really mean that. I'll remember.

:bighug1:

[Bill]

My door is Always open to Special People like you who just want to offload or who are in need of some comfort and understanding sweet Maddie. It's the main reason I joined nmp - to Try my best to ease others suffering. It makes me feel worth something to bring back someones smiles!:bighug1: